


Memento Mori

by spooky_ghoul



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Halsey (Musician), Jon Bellion (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Adulthood, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Elementary School, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Attempted Murder, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blood and Gore, Childhood, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Elementary School, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Gore, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Hallucinations, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Middle School, Murder, Neurological Disorders, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Personality Disorders, Physical Abuse, Post-High School, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers, Underage Drug Use, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:36:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 69
Words: 140,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spooky_ghoul/pseuds/spooky_ghoul
Summary: paper dreams and harsh truths.rusted skin and hopeful, peach petal lips.bruised cheeks, hearts connected by strings.we always collide at the worst moments,perhaps this time will be different?





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a work of fiction, although many parts are based on true events that have happened in my life. Real experiences. My story will be viewed through multiple characters. Character point of view will change often, but I will always let you know when. 
> 
> This will be the last time that I will warn you; there are many triggers throughout this book: Domestic violence, child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault, physical and mental abuse, drug addiction, drug abuse, suicidal thoughts and actions, suicide, murder, violence, gore, death, depression, self harm, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD and everything that comes with it.
> 
> I will always put a note at the beginning of a chapter to let you know what you might be reading in said chapter, or at the beginning of what could be a trigger. This is an outlet for me but I still want the people who are reading it to feel safe. If you ever have a question, please, do not be afraid to message me on here. 
> 
> So, again.. If you feel you may be triggered by any of these events, I urge you NOT to read this. I don't want anyone to feel hurt. I know the world is an unforgiving and cruel place. My intentions while writing this are not to cause or bring up anyone's past trauma. Stay safe.

You can follow me on twitter for updates and ...hints? I guess you could call them that.  
Username is spoookyghoul

 

I've also written this story on Wattpad if you want to check it out there..

https://www.wattpad.com/story/102808117-memento-mori-joshler


	2. Vivid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warning: extreme domestic violence and child abuse.**

 

_September 25th, 1997_

 

_His bed was cold, hints of lavender drifting through the air, his mother's voice comforting as she sang softly down the hall. She was singing Ashley to sleep. Rhiannon._

_Jordan was facing the wall in his own bed. Josh knew he wasn't asleep. He doesn't like sleeping alone. He's too afraid. Josh understands._

_Josh is afraid to sleep. His father hasn't showed up, yet. He's been on the road for three weeks. The best three weeks of Josh's life, so far. But his father's presence is due soon._

_Josh closes his eyes, listening to his mother singing Ashley's favorite song, willing himself to slip into the sound and fall asleep. Melancholy and soft. A small voice breaks his hiding place._

_"Josh?"_

_He would be startled if he wasn't used to his little brother leaning towards his face when he opens his eyes._

_"Come on, get in", he makes room in his bed for Jordan. "You have to sleep behind me, against the wall."_

_Jordan nods, clutching his cat stuffy to his chest._

_They could never have a real cat, no matter how much they wanted one. Not after what their father did to the last one. He told them that the cat had worms as he drowned it in their kiddie pool._

_"Is Daddy coming back tonight?"_

_Josh tucked him in and kissed his forehead, "Don't think about that. Listen to Momma's voice and try to sleep."_

_"M'kay, Bubby", Jordan scooted closer to Josh, hiding his face under the blanket._

_Minutes later, soft snores came from behind Josh. He smiled to himself, glad that his little brother felt safe enough to fall asleep._

_That smile dropped immediately as their bedroom was lit up by truck lights._

_No. Not now._

_The singing stopped._

_The truck door slammed shut._

_Josh counted the steps until his father would walk through the door. Always 12._

_He didn't make it past 5._

_Through his open door he could see his mother going back into the hall, sorting through the gigantic pile of laundry._

_The front door never slammed shut. That wasn't normal. Something was off. He could feel it sitting on his chest. Gripping his throat._

_His father walked- no, his feet never seemed to touch the ground- towards his mother. "What's this?", his voice is calm. Too calm._

_"What does it look like?" His mother snorted, "I've got three kids, one on the way, and bedtime is the only chance I have to do the laundry. You know I found most of this in the washing machine already? Poor Josh tried to do it for me." She laughed halfheartedly._

_"That's not what I fuckin' meant. Why are you washing all of them now?" His father's voice grew louder, "What are you hidin'? Huh?! Tell me, you fuckin' cunt!"_

_Josh watched his father drag his mother down the hall by her hair. His father's shouts never ceasing. His mother's whimpers growing louder._

_There was a loud smack. Her face is stinging._

_Jordan is awake. "Make him stop, Bubby. Please," he sobbed._

_Josh shushes him, "Go in Ashley's room. Both of you hide in the closet."_

_Jordan hesitated, gripping Josh's shirt._

_A loud crash came from the living room. The screams and cries never stopped._

_"Now! Go!" Josh pushed his brother down the hall while Josh stood at their bedroom door, peaking around the frame._

_His father was on top of his mother, hitting her relentlessly. Josh ran._

_He leaped on his father's back, "Dad, stop!", only to be thrown off, his back hitting a wall._

_"Who is he?!" Hit._  
_"How long have you been fuckin' him?" Hit._  
_"Answer me!" Hit._

_He pulled her from the floor by her hair. She bit him on the shoulder. It didn't phase him. He broke her nose._

_Josh was crying, pulling at his father's legs. "Boy, go to your goddamn room!"_  
_His father picked him up by the arm, his feet dragging across the rough carpet in the hallway and threw him onto his bedroom floor._

_He heard his father slam the basement door. This was his chance._

_He scrambled to his feet, rushing to his mother's side. She's not crying, "Take Ashley and Jordan outside."_

_"Momma, no! I'm not leaving you!"_

_She grabbed his shoulders, "Do as I say! Go through the window. Now!"_

_Josh ran down the hall to Ashley's room. He opened the closet to find Ashley holding Jordan, her hands over his ears._

_"Up. C'mon.", Josh stood on his sister's bed, opened the window and popped the screen out._

_Ashley carried Jordan to her bed, "What are you doing?!"_

_"Momma said you have to go outside. Front door is too risky." He hoisted himself onto the window ledge, "I'll jump down first. You help Jordan up here and I'll catch him. Then you climb up." Ashley's eyes were wide as she shook her head. Josh sighed, "Don't worry. I'll catch you. You'll be safe." Then he jumped._

_As Jordan's legs dangled from the ledge, the screaming started again._  
_"Jordan, jump!" Josh caught him._

_Ashley didn't waste any time in jumping, Josh barely had time to catch her. He grabbed their hands and they ran to the end of the driveway. "Hide behind this tree and don't come out. No matter what. Not unless I tell you to." Josh hugged them as they nodded._

_As Josh ran back to the house, he noticed the front door was wide open, the broken screen door slamming back and forth from the harsh Autumn wind._

_The concrete steps scraped his bare feet as he ran into the house. His mother was sitting in the recliner, head rested in her hands. His father was nowhere to be found._

_He lightly touched his mother's arm, avoiding the growing bruises. "Momma? Where is he?"_

_"The bedroom," she whispered softly._

_Josh hid behind the chair as his father's voice boomed down the hall, "Oh darlin'! I've got somethin' for ya!" Clattering and objects smashing could be heard as Josh whimpered._

_"Momma, I'm scared."_

_She turned around and grabbed his hand, "Don't be scared. You can't hide. If you hide, he'll kill me." They we're both crying now. "Get on my lap. Quickly."_

_Josh crawled onto his mother's lap, her arms held onto his waist tightly. She whispered onto his hair, "Don't be afraid, baby. Be brave. Can you be brave for me?" Josh nodded._

_Footsteps thundered towards them. The smell of alcohol and blood settling in the air. His father appeared from the hall, holding something sheathed in camouflage._

_"Joshua, I thought I told you to stay in your room?" He crept closer, a predatory demeanor matching the twisted grin on his face._

_Josh and his mother stayed silent._

_He removed the sheath, revealing a machete. "Go to your room, Joshua."_

_Josh never broke eye contact with his father, "No."_

_His father's grin dropped, morphing into something sinister. He stood in front of them, raising the machete. His mother sobbed, "Bill, leave him alone. He's your son. He's your son! He's your-"_

_"Shut the fuck up!" The machete was close to their throats. Josh flinched, still not breaking eye contact, tears slipping down his cheeks. "Dad... please stop."_

_Time seemed to stop. That moment seemed to last for hours, days._

_His mother's cry shattered the silence, time sped forward. Josh was pulled off his mother's lap, his head meeting the floor with a thud. His mother was ripped from the chair by her throat. The machete lay on the floor, clean._

_When Josh sat up, his father was out the door, dragging his mother down the steps, throwing her to the harsh concrete. Josh ran to the door, "Dad stop! Please!"_

_He was kicking her in the ribs, screaming, ignoring her desperate pleas. Josh realized his cries were futile as he watched his father pick his mother up by her hair and slam her against the chain link gate._

_By the third slam Josh was a few feet away from them. His mother was thrown over the gate, landing on the gravel driveway. Josh grabbed onto his father's legs, "Momma! Get up! Run to the tree!"_

_She scrambled to her feet as fast as possible. Josh's father pushed him off as he tore through the gate, rushing toward his battered wife._

_Josh took his chance. He ran through his father's legs. His goal to catch up to his mother. She grabbed his hand, "Did you tell them to stay put, Josh?!" Their feet being cut by the gravel as they ran towards the tree._

_"Yes, Momma, they should be there!" Josh's lungs burned, "Ash! Jordan! Come out!"_

_The second they reached the tree, their mother picked up Jordan, Ashley grabbed Josh's hand, his other hand still gripping his mother's._

_They ran. Their father still screaming._  
_He wasn't chasing them. They still ran up the road, barefoot. Josh's head hurt and the back of it was warm, something dripping down to his neck._

_By the time they reached the neighbor's house, sirens could be heard in the distance. The neighbors were standing on their front porch, ushering them inside. They had already called the police._

_"Laura! Good gracious, what happened?!" Anne took Jordan out of her arms and led Laura to the couch. Anne's husband, George, shut and locked the front door before leaving for the bathroom to grab a first aid kit._

_Sadly, this wasn't uncommon. This wasn't the first time they had to call the police, take them in and patch them up. Hopefully, it was the last._

_Ashley and Josh sat on the smaller couch, watching their mother finally break down. "He came home early," her voice broken, choking out sobs, "I had just put the kids to bed. He cornered me while I was sorting the laundry. He thinks I'm cheating on him. He-"_

_Laura was cut off by a loud bang. The bathroom door slammed shut. George was walking back to the living room. Except it wasn't George._

_"Josh."_

_Bill._

_"Josh!"_

_His dad was aiming a gun at Laura._

_Ashley was calling for Josh but it sounded far off in the distance._

_"Joshua!"_

_A gunshot rang out._


	3. Sonder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **sonder**
> 
> n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. 

****

**Josh's POV**

 

_ November 13th, 1997 _

 

I woke up.

"Josh!"

I woke up in a cold sweat, chest heaving, gasping for breath. I woke up to the sound of my sister yelling through my bedroom door, "Jooosh! C'mon! We're gonna be late!"

I've never felt so happy for her to be yelling at me. To know that it was only a nightmare.

"Josh! If you don't answer me in the next five seconds, I'm coming in whether you're dressed or not!"

I shot up, out of bed and across my room. I cracked the door so my sister couldn't see me fully. "I'm up. I just need to shower and get dressed," I sighed.

Her nose scrunched up and she started yelling again, "We don't have time for you to take a shower! The bus gets here in 30 minutes!" She stomped her feet.

I opened my door quickly, revealing the stinky, sweaty mess I was. I nodded my head, "So you want me to go to our first day of a new school, like this? Because I can do--"

She held her hands up defensively, "No! No no no! No."

"That's what I thought," I smirked.

"Just try to be quick." She walked back down the stairs.

My little sister, Ashley, has always been too wise for her age. She's seven, but don't tell her I told you that. On her terms, she's 7 years, 5 months, and 41 days old. To her, every second counts.

I always took that for granted.

When I got out of the shower, I wasted no time in getting dressed. Having a mom that let's you pick out your own clothes helps with that. I ran down the stairs, taking two at a time. I always felt like I was missing out on something.

"Joshua William Dun! What have I told you about running down those stairs?!" My mom hated it.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "That one day I'm going to hurt myself and to stop doing it."

She smiled and handed me my backpack, "So you did listen?! I'm so glad."

I returned her smile with a sarcastic one and took my bag, "Always, Momma."

My grandmother's voice called from the dining room, where she sat with my grandfather, drinking coffee. "Respect your mother, Joshua."

"Yes, ma'am." She nodded her head as she went back to her crossword puzzle. My grandfather saluted me and smiled, "Carry on, son! Have fun today."

I returned his salute with a grin, "Absolutely!"

My baby sister's cry, Abigail, rang through the house from the baby monitor my mother kept around her neck. She quickly kissed mine and Ashley's cheeks, "Oh! Doodie calls!" She snorted, "You better go. Lunches are in your backpacks! I love you both, with all my heart!"

 

I shook my head at my mom's pun and wiped the kiss from my cheek. Ashley never did. "Bye, Momma! Love you!", we both called out before I shut the front door.

 

We ran down the driveway, onto the sidewalk, towards the bus stop. The bitter wind of November whipping at our faces, usually the beginning of winter is more forgiving in Oklahoma. Ashley huddled close to me, "Do you think it will be warm on the bus?"

I wrapped her in a hug, "Definitely. I'm sure the mouth-breathers it's filled with keep it toasty."

She scoffed, "Why won't you tell me what that means?!"

"You are far too young, little sister", I grinned cheekily.

"I'll have you know, I'm--"

"7 years, 5 months, and 41 days old. I know!"

She narrowed her eyes at me and smirked. "Well, I'm so glad that you've been listening!", she sarcastically remarked.

The bus pulled up as I mocked her. Ashley shifted nervously from foot to foot as I made my way to the open doors. I looked back, noticing the fear in her eyes, "Ash, it will be okay. I'll be right here. No one will mess with you." I reached my hand out for her to take.

She hesitated before latching onto my hand and walking forward. "Yeah, easy for you to say. Until we split into different classes.", she scoffed. I ruffled her hair, receiving a glare, but she hugged me anyway.

Walking onto a new school bus is the first initial judgement before walking through the school doors. The objective is to remain confident yet not cocky. You are a newbie and you will be treated as such, whether you like it or not. Ashley's palm was sweating in my hand as we walked down the narrow aisle. I took the seat that rested above the wheel well. The one everyone hates.

"Why do you always choose this seat?", Ashley sighed. I looked back to her, shocked that she caught this habit of mine. I did say she was too wise for her own age.

"For your information, I like resting my feet. Plus, it creates my own makeshift table with my knees... for you know, drawing or writing or--"

She snorted, "Or drumming on your knees?"

I smiled at her in complete adoration, "Yes. Or that."

A few moments of silence passed as we drove past our bus stop. I also liked looking out the window, but I don't like to admit that. If anyone found out why, they would surely label me as the freak, the weirdo. I find it calming. Everyone out there is living their own life. They have their own story, their own secrets and weird things about themselves that are probably more common than they think. 

I drummed a random beat on my legs as I payed close attention to where we came from and where we were going. I like being aware of my surroundings. It comes in handy more than you'd think. I was pulled from my thoughts by my little sister poking me in the arm, "Josh..."

She looked scared to ask me something, which is unlike her with me. Other people, yes. She's frightened of speaking up or making her voice known, no matter how important it is. I leaned forward so I created our own bubble, away from the outside world. "What's wrong, Ash?"

She hesitated, "Can.. Can I s-sit near the win-window?"

I nodded my head, grabbing my backpack, getting ready for the switch. Yet, she continued to ramble, trying to convince me that she had a perfectly good reason why and it was most certainly not because she was afraid. "You see, I like watching the world go by and like you said, your knees create a perfect table. And as you and Mom and Grandma know, I love to write and draw. Plus, you're taller than me, you have longer legs, therefore that seat is perfect for me since--"

"Ashley! It's fine. I said yes." I brushed the fallen strand of hair behind her ear. "Plus, I like to protect you, so me being on the side of the aisle, I can do that more... efficiently." I smiled at her, raising my eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Move over, you dork."


	4. Mr. Sketch

****

**Josh's POV**

 

Walking off the bus brought a sinking feeling to my stomach. I was trying to stay strong for Ashley, but being shoved and pushed as other kids passed by was pulling at my self control. I shook my head, trying to block out the noise. I grabbed my sister's hand and walked quickly towards the front doors. We just have to get to the office and we'll be okay.

"Josh? You're hurting my hand." I looked to her frantically, immediately loosening my grip. I hung my head and whispered, "I'm sorry, sissy. I'm just trying to get us to the office in time."

She nodded her head and we continued walking. On our way there, I couldn't help but notice the stares and whispering. We're new kids, I knew it would happen... it doesn't make you feel any less left out. A large man with a mustache that reminded me of a walrus, stood at the door of the office, holding a cup of coffee. He was shouting things at other students yet I knew he was looking for us. Ah, that's the principal.

I took a deep breath and trudged my way over, little sister in tow. I looked up, desperately hoping I could say this without stuttering, "Um, sir? We're the Duns. T-the ne- the new kids?"

"Of course!", he bellowed. "Please, step into my office. Joseph! No basketball indoors!" I turned around to see who he was yelling at. A small boy with brown hair was smirking, "Ah ah ah! Isn't the gym _indoors_ , Mr. Holland?" He dribbled the ball, raising his eyebrows. Mr. Holland sighed, " _Indeed it is_. Which is why you should limit it to the gym _unless_ you'd rather explain to your P.E. teacher why you have to sit in my office that period?"

The Joseph kid stopped dribbling almost as quickly as his smirk dropped. "No, sir." He met my eyes and waved awkwardly. I don't think he'll be a problem... I think.

Mr. Holland clapped his hands once and far too loudly, "Now then! Shall we enter?"

Ashley and I nod, walking in before him and taking our seats in front of his desk. He closed the door, which cut the sounds of chaos out immediately, and sat behind his desk. It instantly looked smaller than before. He cleared his throat, "Now, I understand coming to a new school in the middle of the first semester can be.. overwhelming. Fear not! The teachers already know of your arrival and the kids aren't as intimidating as they seem. In fact, we have a strict anti-bullying policy and the consequences for bullying aren't the friendliest, so kids naturally stay in line."

I couldn't help but snort. He obviously doesn't realize kids can be bullied without people finding out. I let him continue his practiced speech anyway. He opened a drawer and pulled out two sheets of paper. "Mr. Joshua--"

"Just Josh. Please, sir." My breath quickened. 

He looked up at me above the rim of his glasses, "Just Josh? Okay then." He cleared his throat, "Well, _Just Josh_ , it appears you have Mrs. Snyder as your 3rd grade teacher. She is very nice, strict, but nice. Mr. Joseph, the kid you met in the hall is also in this class. He's a good kid. I suggest becoming friends with him." He handed me my paper that held my subjects and class times.

I looked at my sister, who was already rolling her eyes. He can't be serious, right? Did he actually just tell me to be friends with someone? Clearly, this man has forgotten what it's like to be a kid.

He cleared his throat, yet again, "Now, Miss Ashley Dun, you are in Mrs. Green's 1st grade class. She is incredibly fun and understanding! If you ever have any problems, she will be more than happy to help you out." He handed her the paper and I couldn't stop my mind from running away with me. Does this guy smoke? Is that why he clears his throat so much? Maybe he's uncomfortable... I know I am. 

My little sister spoke up, "Do you assume that I can read this paper? I mean, after all I am in the 1st grade. And what if I get lost? Are you going to walk us to our classes or do we get to roam the halls until we happen to find our class? If it's the latter, will we get in trouble for being late? I really do _not_ want to be late on my first day."

I couldn't help but snort at my sister's attitude. Mr. Holland seemed to be at a loss for words as he sputtered nervously and chuckled, "I assure you, Miss Ashley, I will walk you both to your classrooms and you have an excuse to be late for today. But _only_ today!" He and my sister smiled as we all stood up. He opened his office door, ushering us out before closing it behind him. 

As we walked down the hallway, I couldn't help but stare at the artwork and posters on the walls. I felt like I was moving into someone's old house before they packed up all their things. I felt out of place, yet I was mesmerized by it all. I didn't realize we reached my classroom until I bumped into Mr. Holland. "Omfp!", he chuckled, "Stay on alert, Just Josh."

"Yes, sir." I looked down at my shoes and my sister grabbed my hand.

Mr. Holland kneeled down to my height, "You have very fine manners, Just Josh. But remember to have fun, okay? Learning is fun and we're all here to help you. There's no need to be afraid."

I nodded, looking him in the eyes. "Please, look after my sister. She startles easily and she's not--"

My sister slapped my arm, "Josh!" She faced Mr. Holland, "I assure you, sir, I am _more_ than capable of taking care of myself. I am 7 years, 5 months, and 41 days old. I had all A's at my previous school and I read on a 7th grade level. _So_ ," she looked towards me, squeezed my hand before letting go and smiled. "Josh, if you would be so kind as to go into class now, I'd like to get to my classroom."

Mr. Holland smiled at her fondly as I gave her a short nod and walked in my classroom. The smile she put on my face fell suddenly as I took in the room. There had to be at least thirty kids in here... and they were all staring at me. Someone cleared their throat, "Class, quiet down."

Yeah, like they didn't immediately fall silent upon my entrance. This must be Mrs. Snyder. She had blonde, curly hair that reminded me of a birds nest. She was also rather short, like my mom's height. I walked towards the front of the class and stood by her, staring at my worn down shoes. She placed her hand on my shoulder, I tried not to flinch, "This is Joshua--"

"Just Josh. Please, ma'am."

She looked down at me and smiled, "Ah, okay. Class, this is Josh Dun. He just transferred here from South Heights Elementary. I expect you all to treat Josh how you would want to be treated." A couple snickers sounded from the back of the classroom. "Josh?", her voice was gravelly and rough. I looked up at her, "Yes, Mrs. Snyder?"

"Is there anything you'd like to share with us? Favorite food, hobby, color?" I looked back toward the class room, everyone's eyes were on me. I shook my head. She kneeled down to my height, handed me a slip of paper and pack of stickers. "Well, _I_ was told that you really like space, playing the drums, and your favorite color is blue." My eyes grew wide as she leaned in to whisper into my ear, "Which just so happens to be the color of the packaging of your favorite food? _Oreo's?_ They're in my desk drawer. See me before lunch." She leaned back and winked as I smiled, grinning.

She stood back up and pointed towards an empty desk, "That will be your desk for the rest of the school year, Josh. Decorate it well. Write your first and last name on that piece of paper. You can draw on it if you'd like and I'll be around in a few minutes to laminate it onto your desk." I couldn't help but notice my seat was right next to that Joseph kid. I also couldn't help the grin that seemed to be permanently plastered to my face as I sat down.

I draped my jacket over the back of my chair and pulled out my box of markers and crayons. I began writing my first name when I heard, "Psst!" I looked up and around the room until I met the eyes of the Joseph kid. He was holding a blue marker towards me. I didn't know what to do. He smiled, "Take it. It's scented. I mean, you won't smell it after she puts the laminate on it but you can keep it."

I smiled as I took it from him, "Scented?! Really?"

His face lit up, "Yeah! It smells like blueberries. At least, I think that's what they were going for."

I giggled, "Thanks..?"

He giggled and his smile showed dimples that were hidden in his cheeks, "My name's Tyler."


	5. Sour Froot Loops

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

Mr. Holland grabbed my hand and led me down the hall. I looked back at the classroom door my brother vanished behind, a twisting feeling in my tummy, something sour rising in my throat. Mr. Holland let go of my hand. I turned around sharply, noticing we stopped in front of a door. He kneeled down to my height, "Okay, Miss Ashley, this is were I leave you. If you need _anything_ let me or Mrs. Green know. Okay?"

I nodded, "I will, Mr. Holland. But I'll be fine." I don't know if I was trying to convince him or myself. He stood back up, put one of his hands in his pocket and used his other to open the door. He knocked on the door, "Mrs. Green? I have your new student here with me." I hid behind him.

Mrs. Green was very tall, with blonde hair cut off into a bob. Her smile was very toothy and her nose was sharp. I counted her steps as she neared me. "Don't be afraid, honey. _Please_ , please, come in."

I walked inside, shaking like the leaves that were falling off the trees. Mrs. Green extended her hand for me to take, leading me to the front of the class. "Students, I'd like you to welcome your new classmate, Ashley Dun.", she smiled down at me.

"Done? Like the word done?", some boy in the back laughed.

"Zack! That's enough." Mrs. Green gave the boy, now known as Zack, a stern look before leaning down to whisper, "Would you like to tell the class how to spell your name? Maybe share a few things about yourself?"

This was my chance to show everyone who I am. To show them that I'm not afraid of a bunch of mouth-breathers. Even though Josh still won't tell me what that word means. I took a deep breath and stared straight ahead. But when I opened my mouth to speak, nothing came out. I closed it shut and breathed again.

"Can you even talk?"

"Zack! One more outburst and you're going to the office!" Mrs. Green kneeled down to my height, "Ashley, you don't have to speak if you don't want to."

"I- No, I want to", I whispered.

She nodded and stood back up. I stepped forward a bit and cleared my throat. I held my head high and took a deep breath, "My name is Ashley Dun. That's A-S-H-L-E-Y D-U-N. I'm from South Heights Elementary. I'm 7 years old, 5 months, and 41 days old. I have a 7th grade reading level and I _love_ to write. I also love to read."

Zack snickered to his friends. I ignored him, "I _also_ have an older brother, Josh." I stared at Zack. "He's new and he also came from South Heights. He's in the 3rd grade... in Mrs. Keith's class, I beli--"

"Hey! My brother is in that class!", Zack interrupted.

I scoffed, " _Good for you!_ Now, as I was saying, I believe he's in Mrs. Keith's class. He's my best friend. He's 9 years, 4 months, and 23 days old. I also have a younger brother named Jordan, he's 3 years, 4 months, and 38 days old. My baby sister, Abigail, is 24 days old. And--"

"Okay! Thank you for sharing, Ashley." Mrs. Green stepped forward, placing her hand on my shoulder. I flinched. "How about I show you to your desk?" I nodded, swallowing down the sour taste of this mornings Froot Loopsand the small amount of bile.

 

I took my jacket off and placed it on my chair before sitting down. My feet didn't reach the ground. I _need_ them to reach the ground right now. Fiddlesticks! I settled for chewing on the insides of my cheeks.

Mrs. Green went to the white board at the front of the classroom. "Okay, class! Today we are going to write!" Groans were heard from behind me. _Great_. I let out a deep sigh. I sit next to the boys. I was excited that writing was the first subject of the day. Well, I _was_. "Yes, yes I know. _Some_ of you don't like that but you might enjoy what we're writing about!"

Zack nudged me on my back, "I doubt it. It's probably about our favorite color.. _again._ "

"Don't touch me!" I shouted. Zack held his hands up defensively, "Sorry! Geez..."

The volume of the class grew louder as Mrs. Green had her back facing us, writing on the white board. I started feeling dizzy. I grabbed onto the edge of my desk and closed my eyes, swinging my feet back and forth. I could feel the sour taste come back. 

Mrs. Green's voice snapped me out of it, "Okay. Now, on the board here, I've written down a list of questions. You're going to copy these questions on your paper and answer them. You won't be graded for that. However, you _will_ be graded for how you present your answers. All of us are going to read our answers, aloud, in front of the class."

 

Now, I was joining in on the groaning. The questions were mediocre.

1\. What's your favorite color and why?

2\. What is your favorite animal and why?

3\. What's your favorite book?

4\. What's your favorite food?

5\. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

6\. What's your favorite song and why?

7\. What's your favorite number?

8\. What is your favorite hobby?

9\. What food do you hate?

10\. What do you want to be when you grow up?

 

I laid my head on my desk and let out another deep sigh. I should have been put in Josh's class.

Honestly, _I_ could have asked better questions. Nevertheless, I pulled out my purple notebook and pencil. I thought it'd be best to write the first question and answer it, repeating as I go through each question. 

Finally, the class had grown silent. Or I was finally able to shut everyone out. That was definitely it, because I hadn't realized it was my turn to read my answers until I sat my pencil down. 

I drowned everyone out again. Crap.

"Ashley? Are you ready to read your answers to the class?", Mrs. Green asked with a dumb, hopeful smile.

No. "Yes, ma'am."

I stood shakily, my notebook clutched to my chest so no one could read it. I stood near her desk, at the front of the classroom, and looked at my answers. My breathing quickened as I tried to recite in my head how to say my first answer. 

"Whenever you're ready, Ashley." I hate Mrs. Green.

I exhaled a shaky breath, "Number one; my favorite color is purple because it can transform into many shades. Including, lavender, which is my mom's favorite color, and mulberry, which is my grandma's favorite color." I took another breath. So far, so good. I can do this.

"Number two; my favorite animal is a cat. I know most of you like them because they're fluffy and cute, which they are, but I like them for a different reason. Cats don't have to like you. You earn that. I think they respect you as long as you respect them. Which, I for one, think is very noble."

"Number three; my favorite book is The Complete Cat Book by Richard H. Gebhardt. My grandpa gave me that book, because he knows how much I love cats and reading. It _literally_ talks about _every_ breed of cat on the planet. I highly recommend it."

"Number four; my favorite food is spaghetti. Since my mom had my little sister, she doesn't really have time to cook. So my grandma does. We eat _a lot_ of spaghetti." I laughed and I'm surprised the class and my teacher laughed with me.

"Number five; if I could have any superpower I would choose superhuman strength. I mean, imagine the possibilities? You could do anything! I would only use my powers for good, though."

"Number six; my favorite song is Rhiannon by Stevie Nicks. My mom sings it to me every night and always has. In fact, my mom and I sing and dance to Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac whenever we get the chance. If you haven't heard of that song, I suggest you listen to it ASAP."

"Number seven; my favorite number is nonexistent. I don't believe in lucky numbers and I don't understand how a number could become your favorite."

"Number eight; my favorite hobby is writing. I have others, such as drawing, dancing, singing, and collecting. But writing is where I'm able to empty the clutter in my mind. It's a chance to create a story from nothing but my own brain. It can be about anything, in any era, and I think that's really special."

"Number nine; I don't hate any food. A new food to try is a new opportunity. I also, don't see how you can hate a food. You may dislike eating a certain food, but I don't know of any foods that have done something to make me hate them."

"Number ten; when I grow up... I want to be happy. It doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I enjoy it. Honestly, we're always growing up. There is never a time where you stop growing up. Well, there is... but that's when you die. And to rephrase the question a bit, when I die... I want to die happy, knowing that I enjoyed my life and everything I chose to do in it."

I looked up from my notebook to find every pair of eyes glued to mine and every mouth hung open. Even my teacher's. I looked at the ground and shuffled my feet, "So... yeah. That's it. Can I sit down now, Mrs. Green?"

Mrs. Green snapped out of her daze and shut her mouth just to open it again, "By all means, Ashley. That was.. that was just fantastic! Right, class? Let's give a big applause for Ashley!"

Their clapping was all I could hear as I focused on getting to my seat. My breath was quickening, I was tripping over my own feet. I started to get very hot. My desk looked so far away. I stopped moving and turned to look at my teacher. "Mrs.. Mrs. Gr-green?"

She rushed to my side, "What's the matter, Ashley?"

The sour taste was back. "I-I.."

I puked on her shoes.


	6. Mouth Breathers

****

**Tyler's POV**

 

"Okay, class!", Mrs. Snyder tried to yell over the noise of the other students. The buzz of a new kid was echoing through the room. I bit my bottom lip nervously, as I watched Josh concentrate on writing his name, and blocking out the noise. His tongue was peeking out of the corner of his mouth, his eyebrows furrowed. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask. Mrs. Snyder's booming voice broke me out of my thoughts, "Enough!"

Everyone's head snapped at attention, conversations fading into whispers until all was silent. I could see Josh shake lightly out of the corner of my eye. Mrs. Snyder walked to the front of the room, pointing to the clock above the door. "Now that I have your attention, if you would please stand from your seats and calmly form a line to the door."

Everyone stood up, rushing to the front of the class, trying to be first in line. Josh looked around, confused, standing by his desk. I hesitated walking ahead and leaned in to whisper, "Don't worry, we're just goin' to P.E., it's fun." He nodded and took a deep breath. Why is this kid so nervous? Doesn't everyone like P.E.? I know what it's like to be a new kid. He's probably scared to death. I walked with him to the line.

He was twiddling with his thumbs, looking down at his feet, which made me notice his shoes. They were old and tattered, the kind that light up when you walk. This kid's going to be a moving target. 

I quickly took action, working a plan as I went along, "Hey, you can hang out with me and my friends. If you want to, I mean.. they're nice. Well, some of them are _total_ mouth-breathers but they're pretty cool."

He burst into giggles immediately. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as to what was so funny. Then, he looked up with the biggest smile, the corners of his mouth reaching his eyes, making them squint. _Holy crap._ "I call people that, too.", he said between giggles. I smiled and grabbed his hand, a light pink spreading across his cheeks. "We have to hold hands as we walk to the gym.", I explained. "Mrs. Snyder calls it the "buddy train". I call it an embarrassment and dumb."

His giggles never ceased, causing me to giggle as well. I grabbed the hand of my friend, Jordan, and we walked out of the classroom. I looked back to Josh and began to explain what we do during the day. "So, we'll go to gym, the teacher's name is Mr. Reynolds. He's _awesome_. We mostly play games. Then, we go back to class... uh, we have science and math, then we have lunch!" Once we got to the door of the gym, I leaned in and whispered, "Don't eat the pizza. It sounds good, but it's awful."

Jordan joined in, "One time, I found a hair in mine. It was so gross. And they're in the shape of squares! Pizza is _NOT_ supposed to be square shaped." 

Josh laughed, "I know, right? Hey, my little brother's name is Jordan." I perked up at that, asking Josh, "You have brothers and sisters?"

His face lit up. "Yeah! I have two sisters and a brother. Ashley, Jordan, and Abigail, she's just a baby though. Ashley goes here, too."

"I have a brother, Zack, who goes here. He's in 1st grade. My sister, Madison, is only three so she's not--"

"Ashley's in 1st grade, too!", Josh interrupted.

His enthusiasm made me smile, "I bet she's in the same class as my brother! He's a bit of a mouth-breather but--"

Mrs. Snyder interrupted, "Okay everyone! Behave and I'll be back to get you in an hour." 

We started walking into the gym when she stopped Jordan, who was in front of me and Josh. She handed him a rescue inhaler, "Baby, don't forget to keep this in your pocket at all times."

Jordan scoffed, "Yes, Mom. _I know_." She patted his back and walked off.

Jordan ran ahead, while I stayed behind with Josh, waiting for the questions I knew he would ask. 3.. 2.. 1.. "Mrs. Snyder is Jordan's mom? And what is that thing she gave him? Why does he need it? What--"

I turned around, putting my hands on Josh's shoulders to stop him. "Whoa, Josh. Slow down.", I giggled. "Yes, Mrs. Snyder is Jordan's mom. _Tragic_ , if you ask me. The thing she gave him is for his asthma, it's a rescue inhaler. Sometimes, when we play games or sports Jordan gets out of breath. And the only way he can breathe again, is if he uses his inhaler. _Please_ , don't say anything about it. He hates it."

Josh nodded and followed me to the middle of the gym, where the rest of our class and a giant rainbow colored tarp of some sort sat on the floor. Mr. Reynolds ordered for us all to form a circle around the tarp, and to choose a color to hold onto. "Hello, children! Today is parachute day!"

Kids erupted into screams, pure excitement etched onto their faces. Mr. Reynolds smiled, "We're going to play Shark Attack, Tag, and _then_ we'll make a tent! Now, everyone stretch your legs out straight and pull the parachute over you, holding it up to your chest. Close your eyes... no peeking!" Laughter was heard once again as everyone closed their eyes.

Mr. Reynolds began walking around us, "I will tap one of you on the shoulder, meaning you are the shark. You will crawl quietly under the parachute and begin to choose your prey. Once you have chosen your fellow classmate, or prey, you must quickly pull their feet until they are under the parachute with you! Now, whoever is the prey must scream _as loud as you can_ to warn the others, as you have now become the second shark. Ooooo!"

More giggles were heard, I peeked one eye open to look at Josh, who was grinning. Mr. Reynolds caught me, a smile on his face. "Ah, _Tyler_! I saw you peeking! Okay, you'll repeat that until you are all sharks, then we'll play tag. On the count of five, I'll begin walking around you all to choose the first shark. Ready?"

All of us nodded, giggling. "One.. two.. three.. four... five!"

The room was silent, minus the stifled giggles and the squeaking of Mr. Reynolds sneakers on the wooden floor. I could hear his footsteps get closer and closer until I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I scooted under the parachute as quietly as possible, knowing exactly who's shoes to look for. I crawled around, squinting my eyes, searching for the tattered shoes in the dim light. I saw a pair of feet lightly wiggling, causing faded green lights to flash. Bingo.

I grabbed his feet, pulling him under the parachute with me as he let out a scream. The other kids started screaming and I noticed Josh looked scared. I hurriedly whispered into his ear, "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

He shook his head and hugged me. I was surprised from his sudden response but hugged back. I the gently tickled his sides and he giggled, "Let's get someone, yeah?" 

I nodded and we began crawling around, searching for the next victim.


	7. Dipcrap

****

**Josh's POV**

 

The first day of school wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I quickly put my jacket on and slung my backpack over my shoulders. I started walking to the front doors when a voice called out my name. I spun around seeing Tyler running towards me, face flushed. "Hey, Josh! Do you ride the bus?" He held onto the straps of his backpack and walked out of the school with me.

"Uh, I- Yeah. I'm waiting for m-my little sister." I stuttered. Dang it.

He didn't seem to notice, he just smiled. "Cool, me too. What's your bus number?"

"Four? I think? Crap, I really should have paid attention." I chuckled nervously. "I'm sure my sister will know, she remembers everything. It's kind of--"

"Josh!" I whipped my head around, my sister stomping towards me with an aggravated face.  
"What the heck? You were supposed to wait for me!"

"I-I am! That's what I'm doing! Tyler and I have been waiting for you and his little brother, Zack."

She rolled her eyes, "Ugh, Zack? Of course I have to be around that mouth-breather, again."

I swatted her arm, "Ashley!"

Tyler giggled, "No, it's fine. He is a mouth-breather."

Ashley's eyes lit up, a smirk growing on her face. I shook my head and chuckled, "Hey, Ash, do you remember what bus we're on?"

Another eye roll. "Josh, I swear you would lose your head if it wasn't connected to your neck. We're on bus five. C'mon, I wanna get out of here before Yak-Zack shows up."

"Wait up, 'Yak-Zack' and I ride the same bus", Tyler giggled, his eyebrows raised in amusement.

As the sound of Zack's feet thudding against the wet concrete drew nearer, Ashley's face grew more irritated. The small boy, with facial features similar to Tyler, skidded to a stop in front of us. He leaned over, placing his hands on his knees as he caught his breath. Tyler shook his head and motioned for us to walk to our bus. "Wait for me!", Zack called out.

I walked onto the bus, following Ashley, with Tyler and Zack behind me. Ashley took the seat that rested above the wheel well, me following suit. Tyler and Zack sat on the seat next to us. I tried to raise my voice loud enough so Tyler could hear me, "I didn't see you on the bus this morning?"

His eyebrows raised in confusion before realization graced his features. "Oh, yeah my dad drops us off at school. He's a basketball coach for the high school, so it's easier that way or some crap." Tyler's younger brother gasped, "You're not supposed to say that word!" Tyler rolled his eyes, scoffing, "What are you gonna do? Tattle?"

Ashley leaned over me and stuck out her tongue, "Of course he will, Yak-Zack is nothing but a pig fart." My eyes widened in disbelief at the sudden immaturity of my little sister. "Ashley! What has gotten into you?"

"She blew chunks all over Mrs. Green's shoes this morning! It was so funny!", Zack yelled.

My heart sank, as Ashley's face fell into one of pure embarrassment. Tyler punched Zack in the shoulder, telling him to shut his face. I whispered into Ashley's ear, "You wanna talk about it when we get home?" She looked away, towards the window, shaking her head and wiping tears off her pink tinted cheeks. I frowned and looked back to Tyler. He mouthed "Sorry" and I shook my head. Trying to pass it off as no big deal.

Aside from the noise of the bus, the ride was silent. Ashley and I stared out the window, I tried to tell her a few jokes to see her smile. She just moved farther away, resting her head on the cold window.

 

When we came to our stop, Ashley and I stood up the same time Tyler and Zack did. I smiled at Tyler and gestured for them to go first. Walking off the steps of the bus, I noticed Tyler and his brother walking the same direction we were going. "So, I guess we don't live far from each other then?" I called out.

Tyler turned around, continuing to walk backwards. "I guess so. Wanna walk together?"

I nodded, grabbing Ashley's hand, rushing to catch up with Tyler. He giggled as we started walking together, Ashley and Zack behind us.

"So, I--", Tyler and I both said at the same time, our giggles cutting us off.

The chocolate eyed boy looked down, "You go first, Josh."

"I j-just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me, today. Most people aren't." I looked down at my shoes, a pathetic attempt to hide my blush.

Tyler's gaze never left his feet, either. "It's no problem. I know what it's like to be the new kid, too. Plus, you're really cool. We should hang out sometime."

"Yeah!", I exclaimed a little too quickly. "I- I mean, yeah. That'd be cool."

Tyler looked up, smiling. "I was going to apologize for my brother. He can be a total dipcrap, sometimes."

"Dipcrap?" I giggled.

"Yeah! I just made that up. Impressive, I know." He winked at me and laughed.

Soon enough, we came to a stop at a large, grey two story house. My eyes widened, "Is- Is this your house, Tyler?"

He shrugged, "Yep. Where do you live?"

I looked around, realizing my grandparent's house was only three houses down. I pointed down the street, "We live in the white two story house down there. We're staying with my grandparents for now."

Tyler nodded and turned back around to face me. "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can hang out this weekend? I have a basketball hoop in my backyard."

The palms of my hands started sweating just thinking about it. I gulped, "Yeah, s-sure. See you tomorrow."

 

I waved bye and took my sister's hand as we continued walking home. Ashley kicked through the wet leaves on the sidewalk, humming a song I couldn't quite recall. I copied her actions, before asking, "So.. are you sure you don't want to talk about today?"

She looked up at me, her furrowed eyebrows peeking from under her hat. "Do you want to tell me about that Tyler boy? And why you get so bashful and giggly around him?"

I rolled my eyes and pushed her hat over her eyes, "Shut up. Let's just go inside."

"That's what I thought", she huffed.

 

We trudged up the creaky front steps, wiping our feet off on the doormat. I opened the old, wooden door, the smell of pot roast and pipe tobacco filling my nose. The sound of Johnny Cash and the faint noise of the TV filling our ears. Ashley and I exchanged confused glances before removing our coats, shoes, and backpacks. No spaghetti?

I padded my way into the kitchen, Ashley following. My grandma stood at the counter, dancing to the music, kneading dough and rolling them into small rolls. She perked up at the sight of us, "Hello, my babies! How was your first day? Ashley, come up here and help your Granny."

Ashley climbed onto one of the bar stools next to Granny. "School was okay, I think Josh had a pretty good day." Ashley's voice was barely above a whisper. Granny turned her head towards me, looking at me over her glasses that sat low on the bridge of her nose. An unspoken demand for an explanation. I sighed, "Yeah, it was good. I made a friend." Ashley smirked.

"Well, that's wonderful! What's their name? Do they live near?" I was surprised my grandma was this excited. Actually, I was quite surprised about a lot of things. For instance, why is she cooking something other than spaghetti? Where is Mom? And Jordan isn't running around? And where's Grampa? The sound of my grandmother clearing her throat broke me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, his name is Tyler. He actually lives just a few houses down from us. His little brother, Zack, is in Ashley's class." Ashley stuck her tongue out at me before Granny caught her. "Oh? Are you friends with this Zack, Pumpkin?" My grandmother asked.

Ashley pretended to gag while our grandmother just chuckled. "Okay, well go see what your Grampa is up to in the den, Josh." I gave her a quick nod and slid across the wooden floor in my socks. When I reached the shag carpet of the den, I began to scoot my feet, hoping to get enough charge of electricity. I sneaked up behind my Grampa's lounge chair, reaching one finger out to tap his shoulder. He startled me before I could, "You're not as slick as you think, son."

We chuckled as I walked to the love-seat near him and sat down, tucking my legs underneath me. He sat with his legs crossed, tobacco pipe in his mouth, watching Wheel of Fortune as he took sips from a short glass filled with what looked like liquid honey. He turned the TV's volume down and looked at me expectantly. "So, was your first day productive?", he asked.

I nodded, "Yes, sir. I made a friend. His name is Tyler and he lives just down the street. Oh! We also played this really cool game in P.E. and my teacher even gave me Oreo's! I shared them with Tyler at lunch."

He smiled as he puffed on his pipe. "That sounds like a mighty productive day, to me!"

I returned his smile. "Grampa, why is Granny cooking? More specifically, what is she cooking?"

He let out a hearty chuckle, smoke escaping from his nose. "Well, your grandmother thought we would all enjoy a nice hot meal, for this bitterly cold day. Your mother had quite the day. I suspect it has something to do with calming everyone's nerves. You know how your Granny is; if nerves are high--"

"Food can always calm them down," I interrupted.

He chuckled and turned back to the television. Clearing his throat, "Now, I bet you $2 that you can solve this puzzle. I've been watching these three buffoons try for the past twelve minutes."

I shook my head, giggling, "Of course, Grampa!"


	8. Mashed Potato Pillow

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

Humming along to the music coming from the stereo in the dining room, I rolled the dough in my palms. The soft squishy feeling calming me as I tried to roll the dough into the perfect ball. I love creating things, but Granny says I'm a bit of a perfectionist when doing so. It bothers Momma, but Granny would always tell her to 'Shup'. 

I missed this. I felt closer to my grandma than my mom. She taught me everything I know. Granny and Grampa always supported me, no matter how far fetched an idea or dream, they always said that anything is possible.

By the time my grandma's voice broke me out of my thoughts, I noticed the ball of dough in my hands had started to turn into goop from the heat of my hands. "You okay, Pumpkin?"

I snapped my head up, eyes wide, expecting to be yelled at. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to ruin it. I ruin everyth--"

She cut me off by holding me in her arms, my head nuzzled in her neck. "Shh, sweetie. You haven't ruined anything. _Not at all_." She pulled back and gave me an endearing smile, "We'll just give that one to your Momma, huh?"

I giggled and nodded my head. "I love you, Granny."

"I love you the most, Pumpkin." She picked me up and sat me on the counter, looking at me over the brim of her glasses. "Now, I'm going to put these in the oven and _you_ are going to wipe this counter down."

I nodded my head quickly, grabbing a rag. Granny put the tray of rolls in the oven and turned back to me, dusting the flour off her hands. " _And_ you're going to tell me what's brewin' in that noodle of yours."

I sighed, wiping the spilled flour off the counter, "It's no big deal, Granny. Jus' me, ya know?"

She stood in front of me, taking the rag out of my hands, looking at me over the brim of her glasses. "That's a load of horseshit and you know it."

I gasped, smiling. " _Granny_!"

She just giggled and helped me down off the counter, leading me into the dining room. We sat down and she held my hands in hers. She took a deep breath before asking, "This wouldn't have anything to do with your mother, now would it?"

I pressed my lips in a thin line and avoided her eyes. " _Maybe_."

"Ashley... you _know_  that you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm not gonna tell your Momma. I know she can get a little.. out of it, sometimes."

I looked up, tears welling in my eyes. "Why does she hate me? What did I ever do? We never talk anymore or sing or-- or dance! She never laughs with me. She doesn't even sing me t-to sleep now. _I know_ , I know! She just ha-had Abigail, but it's like I'm not-- not even h-here anymore!"

She took her glasses off, letting them hang from the beaded string around her neck that I made with her years ago, and rubbed her eyes. "Pumpkin, your Momma is trying so hard to be here for you, your brothers and Abigail. Now, she doesn't want me telling you this because she thinks you're 'too young' to know, but I think she's dumber than a box of rocks. You're the smartest girl I've ever met." I smiled as she wiped the tear that fell onto my cheek.

"Your mother left your daddy before Abigail was born, because your daddy was mean to all of you. Especially your Momma."

Memories flashed through my head, no matter how hard I tried to make them stop. The screaming and crying, running away at night, red and blue lights. More tears fell.

She continued, "The things that went on.. messed with your mother's head, like when you wake up from a bad dream and you're not sure if it was real or not. And she's worried it could be affectin' you kids the same way it's affectin' her."

"Is that why Momma cries at night?" I choked out through sobs.

"Possibly." She nodded. "There could be plenty of reasons as to why she cries, and all of them are perfectly valid. But you have to believe me when I say that she does _not_ and will _never_ hate you. _Any of you_. Your mother brought you here, away from your daddy, to keep you all safe. She loves you. I know things are different now, and they probably won't ever be the same, but that doesn't mean things will be bad. You'll still laugh, sing and dance with her. She will always laugh and she will always cry. Those are emotions, and it's good to have them. But your mother also knows that you can't stay in the bad emotions. And you have to know that, too."

I nodded as I got up from my seat and sat in my grandmother's lap. She held onto me, running her fingers through my red hair. "So.. if it seems like she's ignorin' you or your brothers, and is only giving her attention to Abigail, just think of it this way; she's tryin' to keep those bad emotions away by focusin' on the good emotions that Abigail makes her feel. You all make her feel good emotions, but she wants Abby to grow up strong like you. So, when you want your Momma to read you a bedtime story, take your book in her and Abby's room, and read to her."

I looked up suddenly, my glassy hazel eyes lit up as I peered into her warm brown eyes. "You really think she'd like that? Ya sure she won't get mad?"

She chuckled, her eyes crinkling as she smiled. "She won't get mad. I think she'd love it."

"Thank you so much, Granny! I love you." I hugged her tightly as she kissed the top of my head.

"I love you the most, Pumpkin." The timer on the oven dinged. "Now, let's get some grub in our bellies!"

 

Dinner was quiet, save for the clanging and scraping of utensils. I hated that. The noise always repeated itself in my head, causing my body to shiver and my teeth to ache. I listened to Josh go on and on about his new friend, Tyler. I'm being replaced, yet again. Instead of a crying baby sister, a stupid boy with an even more stupid brother is replacing me. Oh, well. As long as Josh is happy, that's all that matters. I've never seen him so happy. Sure, he was happy when we would play together and laugh, but Josh has never really had a friend, other than me. 

I'm selfish.

Jordan fell asleep in his mashed potatoes, causing everyone but my Granny to giggle. After she cleaned him up and took him upstairs to bed, I helped Grampa wash the dishes while Josh did his homework at the dining room table. After hushed voices were heard arguing, Momma came downstairs with Granny, a forced smile on their faces. She took the plate of leftovers Granny had wrapped in cling-wrap and sat next to Josh. She didn't say a word to anyone until Granny cleared her throat.

She looked up and glanced around the room, a slight smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Sorry I didn't make it to dinner. I fell asleep right after feeding Abigail. That little girl sure is somethin' else. She cried for two hours until she caught sight of your bunny, Ashley."

That caught my attention. "Luna?" I dried my hands off on the kitchen towel and sat beside her at the table. "You gave her Luna?"

She snorted and shook her head. "Of course not. I was walking around your room, bouncing her in my arms and she fell silent when she saw Luna." I let out a sigh of relief.

"Jordan fell asleep in his mashed potatoes." Josh spoke up, trying to hold back a laugh.

Momma laughed, "Your grandma told me. I was surprised.. 'mashed tatoes' are his favorite."

We all laughed as Granny and Grampa joined us at the table. "That's your father's fault," Granny said, looking disapprovingly at Grampa. "He kept him busy all day. Wore the poor kid out."

Grampa crossed his legs and grinned proudly, "I taught him how to hold a flashlight. It's never too early to learn how to work on a leaky sink."

Josh raised a finger in the air, agreeing. "That's true. If Grampa hadn't shown me how to use a screwdriver, I wouldn't have been able to change the batteries in my RC car."

Momma laughed halfheartedly, as she sat her utensils down on her plate, picking them up and standing to go wash them. "Well, Dad I would appreciate it if you waited to teach Jordan the fundamentals of handy work until he's four. Or at least--"

"Hey! You never taught me the fundamentals of handy work." I pouted.

My grandpa ruffled my hair, chuckling, "No, but your grandmother taught you the importance of finishing a crossword puzzle with a pen." 

Momma sighed and stood next to us, giving us a pointed look. "And _I_ taught you both the importance of taking a bath. Ashley go upstairs, get in the tub and get ready for bed. I'll come in to read you a story, later." I grinned and hopped off my seat, taking the stairs two at a time. "Josh, when you're done with your homework, I expect you to do the same."

"Yes, ma'am. Just no bedtime stories, that's baby stuff."


	9. With All My Heart

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

I scrubbed my skin as fast as possible, trying to ignore the sting of shampoo in my eyes. The quicker I took a bath and got my pajamas on, the quicker I could read with Momma. I closed my eyes and rinsed all the soap off. I stood up, carefully stepping out of the tub, wrapped a towel around me and pulled the plug from the drain. It might sound silly but I have a fear of being in the tub when the water drains. I hate the noise it makes. It repeats in my head and makes me dizzy.

After drying off, I brushed my teeth then peeked out of the bathroom, making sure no one was around. I ran into my room and shut the door, panting slightly. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear my head of the bad thoughts. I made my way to my dresser, picking out the pajamas my Granny made me. The clothes she makes are my favorite ones to wear. She always gives me new clothes she's made and books for my birthday and Christmas. She knows me well.

I slipped the light pink nightgown with golden stars over my head, smoothing it out before pulling on the matching pajama bottoms. I can't sleep without pants on. Somehow, Granny understood that and never questioned it. I'm glad she hasn't, but I'm starting to wonder if anyone ever will. My head twitched and I squeezed my eyes shut.

I focused on slowing my breathing down as I frantically searched for a book to read. It has to be a short book. I don't have much time and neither does Momma. She never has any time. I shuddered at the thought of reading a Dr. Seuss book. I've had them read to me about a hundred times already, before I read them all to myself a hundred more times.

"Pumpkin?"

I snapped my head up. Granny was standing in my doorway, a concerned look etched on her face. "I-- I was just looking for--" I looked down, just now noticing I threw all of my books off the shelf and onto the floor. I sighed, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my palms. "I was looking for the perfect book."

Granny stepped in my room and kneeled next to me. She rubbed my back soothingly. "Lookin' for a quick one?"

I nodded solemnly. "Momma doesn't have much time to read.. or listen to me read. Either way, it's not like we'll be readin' anything over twenty pages long." I scoffed, shaking my head and began putting the books back on the shelf.

Granny and I almost had every book put up before she gasped out, holding a book up proudly. "What about 'Where the Wild Things Are?' You love that book and so does your Momma." She winked.

I smiled at the memory of watching my grandma make Max's wolf costume. That became my pajamas for an entire year, until I grew out of it. "Yeah. It's perfect, Granny." I smiled.

She hugged me tight after we stood up. "Go get settled in bed, yeah? Your mother should be in here soon." She kneeled down to my height. "And remember, if she's not.. go see if she'd like for you to read to her. Okay?"

I nodded, hugging her again. "Okay, Granny. I love you."

She hugged me back just as tight. "I love you too, Pumpkin."

 

I sat in bed with my blanket pulled up to my chest, the book laying on my lap. I must have read it at least eight times while waiting for Momma. I looked at my Snoopy alarm clock and sighed. It's been an hour... I'm scared to walk down the hall in the dark. I grabbed Luna and held her tightly to my chest. "I can do it, right Luna? There's nothin' out there. I'm just being silly."

I looked at my bedroom door then back to Luna. "Right."

I slipped out of my bed and darted to my door, holding Luna and the book tightly in my hands; I looked back to my bed, more specifically under my bed. "Take that, stupid monsters. No feet for you, tonight." I huffed triumphantly and opened my door. I peered into the hallway. Everyone's door was shut and the only source of light was the Christmas lights strung on the walls of the hall, Granny never took them down. I silently thanked her for that.

I tiptoed across the creaky wooden floor, passing my grandparents' room and Jordan's room on the left, Josh's room on the right, next to mine. I reached the door at the end of the hall, anxiety bubbling in my chest and fear coursing through my veins. I hesitantly grabbed the doorknob and cracked my mom's bedroom door open, the rusted hinges screaming out my presence.

Momma shot out of bed, fumbling around in the dark to turn on the lamp sitting on her bedside table. "Ashley?" She rubbed her eyes, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "What are you doin' out of bed? It's almost eleven."

"You said you'd read me a bedtime story," I said barely above a whisper.

She sighed, "Ashley, come closer. I can't hear you when you mumble and Abigail is sleeping, don't raise your voice."

I fought against my nerves, stepping forward until I was less than a foot from Momma. She gave me an expectant look. I cleared my throat and swallowed down my fears. "You-- You didn't come in to read to me, s-s-so I thought I'd come read t-to you, Momma." I gave a hopeful smile as I held the book up to her. "I brought our favorite. You remember when I used to wear the--"

"Ashley." My smile fell as her eyebrows furrowed, frustration showing in the creases on her forehead. "I didn't come in because it was too late. I'm exhausted and you have school tomorrow. You need to go back to bed." She placed a hand behind my neck, kissing my forehead, failing to notice the tears welling up in my eyes. "Go to bed, baby."

I nodded, "Yes, Momma." I turned away, heading for the door.

"I love you with all my heart, Ashley."

I kept my gaze to the floor, grabbing the doorknob, begging the tears not to fall. "I love you with all my heart, Momma."

I walked out of her room, shutting the door quietly behind me, shoulders shaking. I dropped the book and ran to Josh's bedroom, opening his door quickly. The faint light from the hallway cascading across his floor. I padded my way to his bed, Luna tightly clutched to my chest.

I poked him gently. "Josh?" I choked out a sob. "Josh, wake up." I shook him lightly until he stirred from his sleep.

He turned on his lamp, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He squinted from the sudden light, eyebrows raised in confusion. "Ash.. what are you doing in my room? Wh--"

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I clung to him, sobbing into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into bed with him. "Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

I shook my head, not wanting to bother anyone else with my stupid problems. He rocked me back and forth, gently. "Shh, it's okay. No one's going to hurt you. Everything's okay, Sissy."

"C-Can I sleep w-- with y-you?" I choked out through the sobs that wracked my body.

He stilled, taking in a sharp breath. Oh no. I looked up at him in the soft light of his room. "Please? Just f-for tonight?"

He let go of me. "Sissy, I don't want to do anything. You know how I feel about that." His voice barely registering as a whisper, he wouldn't look me in the eyes.

Crestfallen, I gasped out, "I wouldn't do that! That-- I'm not going to do that. I promise."

He looked away. A sharp pain ran through my chest, a feeling of a hand around my throat silencing my words before I could find a way to form them into a sentence that made any sense at all. I just sat there, crying, as I waited for him to respond. I grabbed his hand and he flinched as if I burned him.

I ruined it. He isn't replacing me. He's walking away from the ruins of what was our friendship. I looked down at my hands, pressing my nails into my palms until my knuckles turned white.

"I'm sorry." He grabbed my hands. "Don't do that." I stared into his honey brown eyes, tears threatening to spill from them and run down his faintly freckled cheeks. "You can sleep in here with me."

I smiled through my tears, the sharp pain and hand around my throat fading away. He reached up and wiped away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. "No more crying, okay? And you can't hog the blankets."

I nodded and got settled into his bed. He leaned over his nightstand and before he turned out the light, he stopped and looked back at me. "Want me to keep the light on?"

"Yes, please." I whispered.

"Okay." He gave a small smile and laid back down, tucking us both in with the blanket. I rolled onto my side, facing the wall. He snuggled up to me, whispering before I let my eyes flutter shut, "Goodnight, Sissy. I love you with all my heart."

"Goodnight, Bubby. I love you with all my heart."


	10. Giraffe With Wings

****

**Tyler's POV**

 

_November 14th, 1997 _

 

I couldn't sleep.

I laid awake in my bed until the night sky faded into the soft grey morning light that streamed through the blinds of my bedroom window. 

"Tyler?"

 

 

Sorry. 

 

 

I meant the bedroom I share with my brother, Zack.

 

I continued to stare at the ceiling fan moving in lazy circles. Maybe he'll think I'm asleep with my eyes open if I don't reply.

Maybe if I lay here long enough he'll think I died upon waking. Should I hold my breath?

I completely fooled him once... I also got into trouble with Mom. It feels that way though sometimes, like I'm the living dead. I got into trouble for telling my mom that as well.

"Tyler!" Zack jumped on my bed, I rolled my eyes letting out the first sigh of the day.

"Zack, get off of my bed."

"Why didn't you answer?"

I sat up, watching him settle on the end of my bed. I blinked slowly. "What do you want, Zack?"

"It's morning. We gotta go to school. Duh." He scoffed.

"What's school?" I deadpanned.

He gave me a wary look, slowly sliding off my bed, going to our door. He looked back and shook his head before walking into the hallway and calling out, "Mom! Tyler's being weird, again!"

I chuckled to myself, getting out of bed and preparing myself for another day of trying to stay awake.

 

I hopped down the stairs and made my way into the kitchen, where my brother was eating cereal and my mom was feeding Madison in her highchair. I pulled out a chair, the wooden legs scraping against the tiled floor and sat down with a huff.

"Tyler, aren't you going to eat breakfast?" My mother asked, wiping applesauce off Maddy's face.

"I'm not hungry." I shrugged and laid my head on the cold wooden table to avoid my mom's disapproving stare.

"You need to eat, son. Today's game day!" My father's voice boomed as he walked into the kitchen, going to pour coffee into his travel mug.

Right. _Game day_. I play basketball, so does my brother. Don't get me wrong, I love basketball. I always have, it's a _big deal_ in my family. I've just been so tired lately. Of course my brain decided it would be best to stay awake all night before a game. I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

"Can I have a pop-tart?" I lifted my head, looking at my dad. Mom would say no.

He shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. "I don't see why not... go for it, bud."

I got up and trudged into the kitchen, opening the pantry and taking out two packages of pop-tarts. I slipped the second package in the pocket of my hoodie. Maybe Josh would like one? 

"Hey! That's not fair! Why can't I have a pop-tart?" Zack asked, milk dripping off his chin.

My dad raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Because you didn't ask, son."

Before Zack could protest, Dad grabbed his car keys off the table by the front door, signaling us to follow him outside. 

"Bye, Mom! Love you!" Zack and I echoed, running to the door.

"I love you! Have a good day at school! Maddy and I will see you at the game!"

 

I shrugged on my backpack, trying to beat Zack to the car. "Shotgun!" I smiled at him as he sighed, rolling his eyes. 

"That's _so_ stupid. I'm not even allowed to sit in the front seat, Tyler." He mumbled, climbing into his booster seat, waiting for my dad to buckle him in.

I buckled my seat belt and turned in my seat to face him. "Yeah, but it makes me happy to rub it in." I grinned.

"Tyler, that's enough." My dad got in the driver's seat, starting up the car. "Now, are you prepared for the game?"

"Ye--"

"Sike! I know you are, because you've been doing _excellent_!" My dad laughed at his lame attempt of a joke. I shook my head, smiling as I leaned my head against the window. The pitter-patter of rain against it daring to lull me into sleep.

 

By the time Zack and I walked into school, splitting up to go to our own classrooms, the light sprinkling of rain turned into a torrential downpour. The low rumble of thunder could be heard from inside the classroom. I strolled to the back, hanging my backpack on my chair, I sat down next to Josh. He had the hood of his hoodie pulled up, head laying on his arms that rested against his desk. 

I lightly tapped his shoulder. "Psst."

His head shot up but he never looked at me.

"Dude, take your hood off. I don't want ya to get in trouble."

He raised a hand and slipped his hood off, revealing a mess of curly brown hair. He turned his head slightly, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, he muttered a quiet "thanks".

"No problem." I nodded.

Mrs. Snyder rose from her seat and stood at the front of the classroom. "Good morning!"

She's always too happy in the morning. I think it's fake.

"Everyone stand as we say the pledge of allegiance."

I sighed as I groggily stood from my seat, yawning as I placed my hand over my heart.

"I pledge allegianceto the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

The enthusiasm of us all was just _absolutely_ overwhelming. Why do we do this every frickin' day? I'm sure we've all said this line so many times that we could recite it in our sleep.

 

Everyone plopped back into their seats as Mrs. Snyder started handing out worksheets. "Alrighty, we're going to do a fun project today." Groans and quiet cheers scattered throughout the room.

"Everyone go to your cubbies and get your art supply boxes." All of us stood at once, scrambling to the back of the room. "No running! No shoving!"

Pushing past others, I grabbed the plastic container from the cubbie with my name above it. As I walked back to my desk, I noticed that Josh never got up. I looked back at the cubbies and saw his was completely empty. Huh.

"H-hey, Josh?"

When he looked at me I recognized the exhausted expression written on his face. His eyes were half-lidded and puffy, he seemed pretty out of it. Luckily, our desks were already pushed together. So were four other kid's but that's besides the point. 

I sat down and placed my art supply box between us. "You don't have any art supplies, do you?"

He shook his head and gave me a half-smile. "I kind of.. forgot to bring my backpack with me this morning. I didn't realize until my sister pointed it out to me on the bus."

I frowned sympathetically and opened my art supply box, taking out the crayons and markers to separate them. "You can share with me."

His "thanks" turned into a yawn.

I laughed, "You didn't sleep much, either?"

He snorted, his half-smile growing into a smirk. "No, not really. My sister kept me up most of the night, she hogs the bed. _And snores_."

"You have to share a bed with your sister?"

His smile dropped. "No, she has nightmares... And she's afraid of the dark. My mom just had my little sister, Abigail, so she doesn't have time to read to my sister until she falls asleep."

I nodded in understanding. "I have to share a room with Zack. He snores, too."

Josh giggled at that. "I used to share a room with my little brother, Jordan. He never slept and always tried to sleep in my bed with me." He started organizing the crayons by color.

"Oh, man. I don't know if I could handle that. It's bad enough Zack wakes me up by jumping on my bed. If he tried to sleep in my bed too, I'd have to strangle him." I chuckled watching Josh quickly complete his crayon rainbow and begin arranging the markers in the same way.

"You know, it wasn't that bad. It kind of made me feel proud that he chose me to protect him. And Ashley doesn't bother me so much, she just recently started sharing my bed with me. My mom used to read to her every night and then sing her a song. The same song. Every. Frickin'. Night. Now, _that_ got a little annoying." I listened to Josh intently, noticing his movements quicken along with his speech. 

"She doesn't sing much anymore... not even to Abby. My grandma and grandpa say she's tired, but I feel like something's wrong... I wouldn't be surprised if there was something wrong, I'd just like to know exactly what it is, _for once_. Jordan sleeps now, at least. He passed out in his mashed potatoes last night." He chuckled.

I grinned, laughing at the image of a little boy snoring face down in mashed potatoes. 

A silence fell over us as our laughs died down. "So... where's your dad?"

Josh dropped the black marker. His face went blank as his eyes darted back and forth. "Oh. Um. H-He doesn't--"

"Okay, class!" Mrs. Snyder shouted over everyone's conversations, ending ours. "We're going to draw our own mythological creature! It can be whatever you want. It could be a giraffe with wings! Or a horse with big sharp claws!" 

Josh and I snickered under our breath, shaking our heads at the images she was trying to convey. 

This is gonna be a long day.


	11. Red Crayon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **memento**
> 
> [muh-men-toh] 
> 
> n. an object or item that serves to remind one of a person, past event, etc.; keepsake; souvenir. 

****

**Josh's POV**

 

I picked the black marker back up and began to draw. I didn't really have an idea of what creature I wanted to create so I decided to wing it. I was working on the shape of my creature when I realized this is usually the time we go to P.E.

"Hey, Tyler?"

He looked up from his drawing. It looked like it could be a dragon... or a bunny. A scary bunny. It reminded me of Ashley's stuffed animal, Luna. I hate that stupid rabbit.

"Why aren't we in P.E.?" My eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Oh, we don't have P.E. on Fridays. Mrs. Snyder kind of lets us have free time or a 'fun project', instead." He rolled his eyes as if it was the worst thing in the world to have free time. "I'm kind of glad we aren't in P.E. right now. I didn't sleep at all last night _and_ I have a basketball game today."

I looked back at my paper and started to color in the outline. "You play basketball? Like on an actual team and stuff?"

He giggled. "Yeah, a team and stuff. It's not the school team but our team has won a lot of games." He shrugged. "My little brother's on the team, too."

"That's cool." I picked up a red crayon. "So, I guess you hang out with your brother a lot, huh?"

He shrugged and picked up the black marker that I just put back in it's place. I liked that he kept the crayons and markers in the order I arranged them in. "Yeah, we pretty much do everything together. I hang out with my friend Michael, sometimes. He's funny."

"Does he go to school here, too?"

He sat the marker down and pointed to the front of the classroom. "You see that kid who looks like he should be in the 5th grade?"

"The one that's coloring furiously?" I asked, giggling.

He chuckled, smiling so wide dimples formed in his cheeks. "Yep, that's him. He plays football with me. You'll get to meet him at lunch. He wasn't here yesterday."

I smiled, nodding my head. "Okay, cool."

 

I looked out the window and watched the rain fall, the wind shaking the remaining leaves off trees like confetti. I hope it stops raining by the time we get out of school. I really don't want to walk from the bus stop in this weather. 

I wonder if Ashley's doing okay. She seemed really upset last night. I feel bad for assuming she would do that, again. She stopped doing that when we stopped going to Nana and Pawpaw's house. Before we left Dad behind...

Tyler's voice interrupted my train of thought. He had his eyebrows furrowed, scanning the assortment of crayons. "Josh... where is the red crayon?"

I realized I had been sitting there staring off into space, gripping the crayon so hard it broke in half. Oh, no, no, no. What have I done?! I looked away from him, tears welling up in my eyes. My breath began to quicken, my face burned as I held the broken crayon out to him. "I'm so sorry, Tyler! I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He shook his head and placed his hand on my shoulder. "Josh, no. It's okay."

I couldn't stop my lip from quivering as I forced myself to look at him. "I-I really didn't m-mean to break it. I g-got lost in m-my head."

He pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded his head gently. "I do that too, sometimes. It's okay, Josh. Really. I know you didn't mean to break it." He took the crayon from my hand and disconnected the tiny piece of paper keeping it together. He placed one half back in my hand. "Here. You can keep one half and I'll keep the other."

The corners of my mouth tugged upward. My breathing evened out as my heartbeat sped up. "Thanks, Tyler." He grinned, his cheeks turning a rosy pink as he ducked his head down. 

 

I looked back to my drawing and my heart stopped. I didn't mean to draw that. No, no, no! Why did I draw that?! I wasn't even thinking about him! It's like he's everywhere. Oh no. Fire burned in my chest as I tried to catch my breath. My hands started shaking.

"Josh? Are you okay?" I shook my head, dropped my half of the red crayon on my desk, it rolling off and onto the floor, and rubbed my eyes with the sleeves of my hoodie. Don't cry. It's not real. _Don't cry._

Tyler lightly shook my shoulder. "Josh? What's wrong?" I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands, shaking my head then covering my face.

"My drawing." My voice came out muffled. Tyler fell silent.

After a moment, I peeked out from behind my hands, hoping Tyler hasn't decided to stop being my friend and start ignoring me. He probably thinks I'm weird. Everyone does.

But he was just staring at it, his eyes squinted. "That's kind of creepy. Cool.. but creepy."

My breath hitched. "I didn't mean to draw that. I wasn't even thinking about what I was drawing."

He picked up my paper and placed it next to his. He studied both drawings closely, pursing his lips and furrowing his eyebrows. He took his half of the red crayon and colored in the eyes of his creature. 

Satisfied with his work, he picked up both drawings and stuck them out in front of us, leaning towards me a little. "Look.. they kind of match. We used the same colors and they're both creepy. _And_ cool."

"Yours is way cooler." I managed to catch my breath.

"Dude, _no way_ ," He protested. "They're equally cool. Like... both of them together is what makes them so cool. Ya know, like Tom and Jerry."

I nodded. "Yours looks like a rabbit mixed with a dragon, or a dog... because of the tail and the spikes on the back."

He smiled and placed the papers back down on our desks. "Yeah, I couldn't decide what to put together but I like how it turned out. Yours kind of looks like a shadow.. but also a vampire. The arms and claws are really awesome."

I looked down at my hands, pulling at a lose thread on the sleeve of my hoodie. "It's not awesome in person." I said barely above a whisper.

He swiftly turned his head to look at me, his mouth slightly agape and an emotion spread across his face that I couldn't quite place. I struggled to correct myself, "I-I me-mean it w-wouldn't be awesome to see it in person, if it were possible. You know? It'd be pretty scary."

He nodded his head slowly, never taking his eyes off mine. "Y-Yeah. Same with mine. I wouldn't want to see that in person, either."

We both nodded our heads, averted our eyes back to our drawings and left it at that.

Mrs. Snyder's voice rang out, telling us to bring our drawings up to her desk and to put our art supply boxes back into our cubbies. The rest of class Tyler and I didn't say a word to each other. I was worried I may have screwed up, letting it slip that my creature wasn't just a random drawing I came up with last minute. 

But when we formed a line to go to lunch, Tyler leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I see mine, too."


	12. Square Pizza and The Chocolate Milk Disaster of '96

****

**Josh's POV**

 

I stayed silent as we walked to the cafeteria. I couldn't stop the words Tyler said from repeating in my head over and over again. He sees his too? I don't think he meant what I did... or did he? I'm so confused. 

I took my lunch tray and walked to our table. Wow, _our_   table. I'm really surprised how fast I made friends. At my last school I didn't have any friends. Ashley was my only friend and she's my sister so that doesn't really count. God, I sound pathetic.

I sat down in an empty seat across from Tyler. Jordan sat down next to me and that kid, Michael, took a seat next to Tyler. I kept my head down, picking at my food. Are they really my friends? I mean, Tyler has been a friend but should I count his friends as mine, too? They don't know me. Heck, Tyler barely knows me. They probably just feel sorry for me.

 

"Josh." Tyler's voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I  looked up at him, startled. "Y-yeah, Tyler?" I looked around and everyone's eyes were trained on me.

"Josh, this is Mike. Mike, meet Josh. This is his second day here." Tyler smiled.

Mike extended his fist and I awkwardly reached over to 'fist bump' him. "Hey, dude. So, how do you like it here so far?"

I chewed on my lip nervously. "It's okay. You guys are pretty cool." I took a drink of my chocolate milk.

Mike chuckled, fumbling with his carton of milk, failing to open it. "Yeah, this school's alright. Stick with us and you shouldn't have _any_ problems. Just stay away from the girls, they're dumb and meaner than any of the other guys you'll meet here."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and looked at Tyler, silently asking what Mike meant. He seemed to catch on. "You see those girls?" He pointed to the table behind us. I craned my neck to see about eight girls giggling and pointing at... at me?

"Why are they pointing at me?" I asked, more nervous and confused than before.

Jordan sighed. "You're next."

"Shut up, Jordan! Don't freak him out." Tyler exclaimed in a hushed tone. He looked back to me and continued his explanation of the annoying girls that were now whispering, well attempting to at least. "They think it's funny to de-pants the guys. It started in the beginning of the school year. I think they've been plotting it since the Summer."

"What the heck?! And no one has done anything about it?" I asked, baffled.

"Well, it's not like we can do the same to them. We'll get in trouble. The teachers yell at them about it but that's it." Tyler shrugged.

"That's messed up... Ha-have you guys been.. ya know?" I asked, cautiously.

The three of them let out a collective, "Yep."

Great. I _am_ next. I let out a long sigh and picked up my piece of pizza.

"No!" Tyler slapped it out of my hands.

I snapped my head up in shock. "Dude, what the heck?!"

He shook his head, reaching into the pocket of his hoodie. "You _don't_ want to eat that. It's so gross, dude. None of us have eaten that since like.. the 1st grade."

"It's true. Kids have found all kinds of crap in there. Hair, fingernails, pieces of what _could be_ flies... One time I found a band-ai--"

" _Jordan!_ Shut up, dude." Tyler interrupted Jordan's rant, which I was grateful for. He pulled a package of pop-tarts from his pocket and handed it to me. "Here, I grabbed one of these from my house for you this morning."

I was slightly taken aback by his kindness. I wasn't expecting that. "T-thanks, Tyler. But you didn't have to do that."

"I know, but I did." He smiled, shrugging his shoulders.

Jordan gasped, placing his hand over his heart, faking a hurt expression. "Don't you know how to share, Tyler? Where's _my_ pop-tart?"

Tyler snickered. "You bring your lunch to school, dipcrap. You get Lunchables and Capri Sun while we get this." Tyler gestured to what the school calls 'lunch'. "If anyone should be sharing, it should be you. Where's _our_   Capri Sun's?"

Mike laughed loudly, still struggling with his carton of milk. " _Yeah, man._ What about the Rice Krispies Treats you promised us?"

Jordan held his hands up defensively. "Hey, it's not that simple. I have to sneak into the pantry without my mom, dad, _and_ my two brothers seeing me. I'm not James Bond."

Tyler and Mike snorted. "That's for sure." Tyler said, grinning mischievously. "Remember the time we tried sneaking downstairs to get Fruit Roll-Ups and we almost made it until you tripped on air?"

Jordan groaned as the three of us broke into a fit of giggles.

"What about the time he sneaked into the kitchen and brought an entire gallon of chocolate milk down to the basement and dropped it before even getting down the stairs?" Mike said between breathless giggles, now gnawing on the opening of his carton of milk.

Tyler cackled, holding his tummy. "Oh man, we spent the rest of the night cleaning it up! But _you_ stepped in the puddle of milk. You left chocolate milk footprints all over the kitchen. We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for your chocolate feet."

Jordan hung his head, sighing but smiling at the mention of his mistake. "I wasn't allowed to have chocolate milk for a whole month!"

"And I kicked your butt at Mario Kart that same night. You just can't win, man." Tyler smirked.

"That's because you cheat!" Jordan exclaimed, slamming his fists on the table. I flinched.

"Nope, you just suck." Tyler grinned before reaching over and snatching Jordan's Capri Sun, taking a big sip.

"Hey! Give that back you turdbeast!" Jordan leaned over the table making grabby hands at his stolen drink.

Tyler leaned away, taking a huge drink until the Capri Sun was completely flat. He handed it back to Jordan with a grin on his face so wide I was sure his eyes had disappeared behind his dimpled cheeks. Jordan let out the deepest sigh and sat back down, shaking his head. "You're dead meat, Joseph."

"So Josh, how's that pop-tart treatin' ya?" Tyler smirked as I took the last bite, ignoring Jordan.

I grinned. "Dude, it was so good. Thank you so much. _If only_ I had a nice Capri Sun to wash it down with." I looked at Jordan, snickering. His eyes went wide, mouth slightly agape. Tyler and Mike burst into laughter.

"Watch it, Dun. You're still a newbie." Jordan pointed out, obviously still butthurt over his precious drink.

"Hey, hey, hey! This can all be solved with a tournament of Mario Kart." Tyler declared.

"Oh yeah? I bet Dun can't even play. He'll be an easy take down." Jordan crossed his arms, smirking.

"You think so? That must be why I've beaten my sister and my cousins at Mario Kart every time I've played." I proclaimed smugly.

"Ohhh! I think we have a challenge!" Tyler laughed, giving me a fist bump.

Jordan turned in his seat, glaring at me. "Name the time and place, Joseph. I'll wipe the floor with this dork."

"Oh yeah? You planning on spilling chocolate milk, _again_?" I shot back.

Tyler and Mike erupted into a fit of giggles. Tyler wiped his eyes, trying to suppress his laughter long enough to reply to Jordan's statement. "How about on my birthday? My family is supposed to come over, my mom's throwing a huge party. You guys are invited, of course. It's December 1st, Josh."

"You game, Dun? Or are you chicken?" Jordan stuck his hand out, smirking.

I shook his hand, chuckling. "You're on, dude."

Suddenly, the light tension was broken by the sound of Mike shouting and liquid dripping on the floor. We turned our attention to him. His shirt was covered in chocolate milk, his busted empty carton laying on the table, chocolate milk running off of it. He held his head down, failing to hide his sad face.

Tyler and I burst into laughter, Jordan placing his hand over his heart and looking up at the ceiling. "I have been redeemed of the chocolate milk disaster of '96. _Thank you, Jesus_!"

Mike couldn't help but laugh, wiping his face. The bell rang, signaling it was time to for recess. Mike sighed, " _Man_ , I didn't even get to eat my lunch."


	13. Nickname Basis

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**Tyler's POV**

 

As we dumped our lunch trays and got in line to go outside, I couldn't help the smile that grew more as I thought of Josh. He was currently talking to Mike about how he once snorted hot chocolate out of his nose at his family's Christmas party. He barely knows Mike and he's trying to make him feel better about the now 'chocolate milk explosion of '97'. Josh just might be the coolest guy I've ever met. I really hope we can hang out before my birthday.

"Quiet down, everyone!" Mrs. Snyder shouted over us. "Since it's raining like cats and dogs outside, we're going to have recess in the gym!"

Everyone groaned while I muttered out a, "Yes!" I'm still tired and it's not even _close_ to 3 o'clock.

Mrs. Snyder let out a chuckle. "Yes, yes _I know_. That _totally_ sucks, but if you'd rather go back to class and start social studies early we can--"

"No!" We all exclaimed. Anything but that. I may be tired but I'd take recess over that _any_ day of the week. 

We followed Mrs. Snyder in single file towards the gym. Jordan nudged me, leaning in to whisper in my ear, "Are you ready for the game tonight?" I sighed but in my head I was screaming. I swear, if one more person asks me that today I might explode. I nodded and continued walking in silence.

If I'm being honest, I'm not ready at all. I'll be able to play, no problem with that, but I feel like I could do it in my sleep. The pressure of my dad, mom, brother and the rest of my team expecting me to do my best, to go above and beyond, is the problem.

We entered the gym, Mrs. Snyder leaving us with Mr. Reynolds. The rainbow tarp was in the center of the gym, basketballs and scooter boards scattered around. 

"Hello children!" Mr. Reynolds' booming voice startling just about everyone. "We're not going to let the rain stop us from having fun today. Now, you can join me at the tarp, play basketball, use the scooters, or do whatever, really. It's recess, after all!" I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his enthusiasm.

I ambled across the gym, picking up one of the basketballs, Jordan following suit. It can't hurt to practice a bit. "You wanna play one on one, Tyler?" Jordan halted his dribbling, looking at me with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I shook my head lazily. "Nah, I'm just gonna practice dribbling and shoot some hoops. Save my energy."

He scoffed as I made a basket. "What's with you, Joseph? You've been acting really weird since you became 'friends' with that Dun kid."

I clenched my jaw and tried to ignore him, making another basket. He didn't shut up, though. Of course he didn't.

"I mean, he's not even that cool. First, you spent all day with him yesterday. Now, you don't even want to play? You _always_ want to play, dude. And you didn't even stick up for me when he was being a douche!" He made a basket, shaking his head.

That's it. I stopped dribbling and turned towards him, glaring. "Are you jealous or something?"

He rolled his eyes. "Please, jealous of _him_? I saw him crying earlier in class. The kid's a weirdo."

I chucked the ball at him. He caught it, his eyes wide and a shocked expression on his face. "He's not a weirdo. He just moved here and yes, he _is_ my friend. Also, he wasn't being a douche just because you feel like you have to be one to make up for that stupid and embarrassing story. _And_ he wasn't crying and even if he was, it's none of your business. So why don't you just shut up, for once, because he's _definitely_ cooler than you're being right now."

 

I walked away leaving him standing there speechless. I started looking for Josh. He wasn't at the tarp or on one of the scooters. He didn't follow me either. For some reason, I began to panic and called out his name. I looked towards the bleachers and saw Mike sitting there, holding his sticky shirt away from his chest. I snickered and made my way up the bleachers.

"Hey, Mike." I sat down next to him, having a better view of the gym I continued looking for Josh. "Have you seen Josh?"

He shook his head, raising it to look for Josh as well. "Nah, man. I came up here and he disappeared. He might be under the tarp."

"No, I looked for him there before they made the tent." I sighed.

He nudged my arm. "I saw you and Jordan yelling. What was that about?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a deep sigh. "He's being stupid. I think he's jealous of Josh."

" _Wow._ " Mike laughed. "That's lame. Josh is a cool dude."

"Right?" I scoffed. "He called Josh a weirdo and blamed him for me not wanting to play one on one with him."

Mike rolled his eyes. "I'm sure it has _nothing_ to do with the fact you're tired as crap _and_ you have a game tonight. Jordan is so dumb, sometimes."

I blinked, surprised he could tell. "Is it that obvious?"

He chuckled. "Dude, I thought you were going to fall asleep at lunch until you slapped that pizza out of Josh's hands." 

"Yeah.. I didn't sleep last night. I-I don't know why exactly eith--"

"Hey, there he is!" Mike lightly smacked my arm and pointed to Josh who was talking to Mr. Reynolds.

"Where the heck was he before?" I asked, squinting my eyes and furrowing my brows as I watched Josh leave the gym. "I wonder where he's going..."

Mike shrugged, resting his chin on the palm of his hand. "Maybe he had to go to the bathroom?"

"Hmm.. maybe." I wasn't convinced. "Are you going to the game tonight? It'd be nice to have someone there that _isn't_ my family or the dipcrap pouting over there."

Mike patted me on the back. "Of course, buddy. You'll do fine tonight, don't worry about it."

I smiled. "Thanks, dude." Mike's a good friend. "Hey, do you want to come over to my house this weekend? We could hang out with Josh."

Mike lit up at that. "Yeah! And _Jordan_ isn't invited. If he's going to be a douche about Josh being our friend, he can just stay home and drop some more chocolate milk."

I laughed, smiling at how Mike referred to Josh as _our_ friend. "Exactly. Jordan is still my friend, but he should know better than to think I'm going to stop being his friend because I made a new one. I mean, you didn't act like that when he first moved here. We accepted him, even though he's the clumsiest basketball player I've _ever_ met."

Mike giggled. "I know. You'd think he'd be better on his feet with how good he is at basketball. Maybe his feet only know how to work on a court."

I laughed, slightly distracted with the thought that Josh hasn't come back yet. I started bouncing my leg. A nervous habit of mine. 

Mike noticed. "Tyler, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and try to clean up. I'll be back."

I nodded watching him descend the bleachers carefully. 

I hope Josh is okay. I wonder if Jordan said anything to him... Josh _was_ behind him in line. I bit the inside of my cheeks, thinking about what else could be going on with Josh. He did say he saw the creature he drew and I told him I saw mine, too. I hope that didn't freak him out. Oh no. What if this is all my fault? I'm so stupid. I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling at the strands trying to calm myself down. 

Before I could, Mike came running back in the gym. "Tyler! Come here!" He called out breathless.

I ran down the bleachers, a sudden spike of fear running through me. "What?! Is it Josh?"

He rested his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. "He-" Mike took a deep breath, shaking his head. "I walked in the bathroom and grabbed a few paper towels. I went to the sink to wet them and I stopped when I heard crying from one of the stalls. I tossed the paper towels and ran all the way back."

My eyes widened and my breath quickened. "I'm going to go check on him. I'll be back."

Mike nodded and sat down as I jogged over to Mr. Reynolds. "Sir, can I go to the bathroom? It's kind of an emergency." I shifted from foot to foot nervously.

He eyed me curiously for a second before nodding and telling me make it quick. I muttered a ''thank you" before running out of the gym and swiftly making my way to the bathroom. Luckily, there weren't any teachers or hall monitors around.

I opened the bathroom door cautiously, listening for Josh. I heard muffled crying from the last stall.

I took a deep breath and slowly walked towards the stall. "Josh? It's me, Tyler."

I heard shuffling and sniffing, then the clicking of the lock. When Josh cracked the stall door open the sight of him made my stomach drop. "H-hey," he stuttered out taking a shaky breath. "W-what d-do you ne-n-need?"

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Can I come in?"

He snorted and opened the door the rest of the way to let me walk in the stall with him. "Welcome, enjoy your stay." He chuckled halfheartedly and slid his back against the wall until he was sitting on the floor, his head resting against the tiled wall.

I joined him on the floor, biting my lip, trying to think of the right thing to say. Something is wrong but I don't want to make it worse. Especially when I think I might be the reason he's this upset. I swallowed the lump in my throat and worked up the courage to say something. "Josh.. you can talk to me, if you want. I'm not gonna make fun of you. _I promise._ Is it what I said earlier before lunch?"

He looked down at his lap, fiddling with his fingers. I noticed he had been biting his nails, dried blood caking around them. He let out a deep breath. "That's part of it, but it's not your fault at all. I've been dealing with that- that _thing_ as long as I can remember."

"Do you see it a lot?"

He nodded, chewing on his bottom lip as a single tear fell. "You probably think I'm crazy."

Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed his hand. "You're not crazy. I don't think that at all. If you're crazy then I'm just as nuts."

He turned his head towards me, eyebrows raised in curiosity. "What do you mean? Do you really see yours too?"

I bit the inside of my cheeks and nodded. "It- It doesn't really look exactly like what I drew. I added on the tail and scales to make it less scary because I realized what I was drawing... But the spikes on the back are real."

He gripped my hand tighter. "Why do we see that?"

I looked away, desperately trying to come up with an answer. "I-I don't know. I ask myself that question all the time." I shrugged. "I've never told anyone about it, either. You're the only one that knows... I-It keeps me up at night."

A faint sad smile graced his features. "Me too."

A blanket of silence fell over us as we sat there. I began thinking to myself... He said that was only part of why he's upset. I didn't want to cross the line by asking more but it came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Josh, what's the other part?"

"Hmm?" 

"The other part of why you're so upset. You said that was only part of it... what's the other reason?" He looked away suddenly, taking a sharp breath. I hurried to correct myself. "You don't have to answer that-- I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have--"

"No, it's fine Ty." He loosened his grip on my hand but I didn't let go. "I'll tell you but if you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll understand."

"Josh, nothing you can say will make me stop being your friend." I rushed out.

He slowly turned his body towards me, chewing on his bottom lip before speaking. "I-I don't have the best- the best life, right now. I m-mean, I'm grateful that I still have my family.. well, most of them.. and they love me b-but--" He broke out into sobs, removing his hand from mine to cover his face.

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Josh.. do you want to come to my house tomorrow? And you can talk to me about it? I'm not saying I don't want to listen to you right now, I just don't want you to get even more upset before we have to go back to class."

He nodded, wiping his eyes with the palm of his hands. "Y-yeah, that sounds like a good idea. T-thanks, Ty."

I gave him a small smile. "No problem, Jishwa."

He chuckled. "Jishwa?"

"Well, you called me Ty so I thought I'd call you Jishwa, if you're cool with it." I shrugged, still smiling.

"Yeah, that's cool." He smiled.

I patted him on the back and stood up, extending my hand to help him up. "C'mon, Jishwa, let's kick the rest of today's butt. I'll give you my phone number when we go back to class."

He nodded as I put my arm around his shoulders and we walked back to the gym.


	14. Unwanted Reminder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warnings: mentions of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, rape.** **I'll tell you when it comes up in this chapter. If you want to skip it, by all means, feel free to do so. You can message me and I'll give you a brief summary of what happened. Stay safe.**

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

I trudged up the front steps of the house, dreading the slew of questions Granny is bound to ask as soon as she sees my face. I don't want to talk about it. Judging by Josh's puffy, red-rimmed eyes, he wants to talk about his day as much as I do. He was completely silent on the bus and kept silent as he opened the front door, letting me go in first. I muttered a quiet "thank you" as I wiped my feet on the rug by the door, Josh doing the same after shutting the door quietly.

I put my arm out in front of him, placing a finger to my lips and signaling to be as quiet as possible. We tiptoed across the creaky wooden floor, our backpacks still hanging off our shoulders, coats remaining zipped up, shoes laced and tied to our feet like weights. Just as I reached for the railing on the stairs, my grandma's voice rang out, bringing us to a halt. "Ashley? Josh? What're you doin' sneakin' around for? Get your tushies in here!"

Josh and I sighed, rolling our eyes as we made our way into the living room. Josh kept his head down. I chewed on my bottom lip, waiting for someone to say something, _anything_. Granny squinted at us from above her reading glasses, pursing her lips. "What's the matter with you two?"

"Nothing!" Josh and I claimed, a little too quickly.

She raised one eyebrow, not believing us for a second. "Mhm," she got up from the love seat, placing her crossword puzzle down. "Well, come in here and sit down. We have a surprise for y'all." She and Grampa meandered into the den, speaking in hushed voices.

We shuffled farther into the living room, both of us plopping down on the love seat. Josh sighed and hung his head. He hates surprises. I'm not very fond of them either but it's best if we act grateful. I nudged him and whispered, "Hey, look excited. Maybe we can get out of here faster?" He nodded and forced a small smile on his face.

I faked a grin as my grandpa came back into the living room, dragging something behind him, the sound of metal scraping against the wooden floor. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and glanced at Josh. He seemed just as confused as I was, an eyebrow raised, the smile gone from his face. When Grampa finally presented the 'surprise' to us, my face fell and my heart sank, a storm swirling in my stomach. I turned my head towards Josh. His face was pale and he looked like he was going to be sick.

"Well?! What do you think?" Grampa clapped his hands together, grinning.

Granny stood by the- that stupid rocking horse, a smile on her face and her hands resting on her hips. "Your Grampa and I stopped by the old house and picked up a few of the things y'all left behind." She pointed to a box filled with old toys. The toys _he_ gave us, which were most likely stolen, and then broke most of them later.

"We had to hide it in the den from Jordan. Had to pry the boy off of it." Grampa chuckled, sitting back down in his chair and taking a long drink from his glass filled with 'liquid honey', as he calls it.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, silently begging the tears welling up in my eyes not to fall. They don't know. They have no idea why we begged Momma not to bring that stupid thing with us.

"Well? Aren't you excited? I thought you two would be jumping for joy, fighting each other over it." Granny scowled.

"I-I.. I don't--" Josh tried to speak, "T-th--thank you." He stood up suddenly, gripping the straps of his backpack tightly. "Um- I- I have a lot- a lot of homework. C-can I go upstairs? To my room?"

Grampa turned his head and eyed Josh, worry spread across his face. "Sure, son. You alright?"

Josh nodded and practically ran out of the room. His heavy footsteps thudding against the stairs as he made his way to his bedroom. His door slammed.

 

I tried to slow my breathing, fiddling with my fingers. My mind was racing, bad memories flashing behind my eyelids. I didn't notice Granny sat down beside me until she placed her hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Pumpkin, is there somethin' you wanna tell us? Did somethin' happen at school?"

I bit my bottom lip hard, shaking my head as tears started to slip down my cheeks. I didn't dare open my mouth to speak, knowing anything I said wouldn't make any sense. She stroked my hair and spoke again, but I couldn't make out anything she was saying. I wish she would stop touching me.

There was a ringing in my ears and a weight on my chest. I opened my eyes and shakily took a deep breath before I my eyes fell on the stupid rocking horse. My eyes spilled like a faucet on full blast, shoulders shaking as I let out a gut-wrenching sob.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. "I hate that thing! Why did you have to bring it back?! Why?" I yelled, startling my grandma and grandpa. "He-he made us--" I choked out between sobs, unable to finish my sentence.

My grandma wrapped her arms around me, shushing me. "He did what, Pumpkin? Who?"

I wriggled out of her embrace and ran out of the room, flinging the front door open and racing down the steps. I heard her call after me but I ran faster down the sidewalk, the standing water splashing on me up to my knees. The bitter cold wind whipping at my flushed cheeks, tears continuing to make tracks down my face. I didn't know where I was going but I didn't care, as long as I was far away from there, nothing mattered.

I ran across the street, a car horn startling me, it's bright headlights momentarily blinding me. I hurriedly moved out of the way, taking in my surroundings. I ran farther than I thought. I caught sight of a forest just past a small park. I ran towards it, passing the swings I tripped on a fallen branch. Thunder rumbled in the distance as I heaved myself off the ground, ignoring the mud covering my hands and knees. I kept running until I was out of sight of the park and stumbled over broken tree limbs, my feet slipping on the wet leaves.

As I trekked farther into the forest it began to rain, the wind shaking the trees, their soaked leaves showering me until I was soaked from head to toe. I saw what looked like a cave, a hideaway surrounded by moss covered rocks. 

Deciding on that being my destination, I quickened my pace, holding my jacket tightly around my body. Trying not to slip, I climbed down the rocks, holding my breath until my feet touched solid ground. I got on my hands and knees and crawled to the back of the cave.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly as I shivered, relieved to be out of the rain. I sniffled, the memories rushing back to me as I shook my head back and forth frantically, squeezing my eyes shut as if that would make it stop.

 

****trigger warning****

 

_He told us to go into the living room. To go play. He switched the TV on, turning the volume all the way up. He said to stay put as he dragged our mother down the hall. Her screams muffled by his hand over her mouth. He slammed their bedroom door shut. I looked at Josh who was sitting on the couch, holding Jordan. He wasn't even two years old._

_"It's okay, Ashley. Just play on your horse, yeah?" Josh said, rocking Jordan back and forth, an attempt to stop his crying._

_I climbed onto the horse and gripped the handlebars tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to focus on the sound of the TV and not the cries of our baby brother or the shouting coming from our parents' bedroom. I rocked back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth until that's all I was focused on. My ears were ringing, snot running from my nose._

_Our mother's scream echoed through the house. Our father's shouting growing louder. Josh and I looked towards the hall, frightened of what was happening. We continued staring down the hallway. A thought crept into my head, "What if he's killing her?" I jumped off the rocking horse and ran down the hallway, ignoring Josh's protests. Josh ran after me, still holding Jordan. He tried to stop me from opening the door by standing in front of it. Our mother's cries and screams louder than ever now. "Josh, move." I cried._

_He took a shaky breath, tears falling down his face, and turned around to open the door. Before he pushed it all the way open, the sight before us made our mouths and stomachs drop. Our father had our mother pinned down to the bed, her bloody face pushed into the mattress. His pants were around his ankles, he had her arms bent behind her back. He was hurting her. I wanted to throw up. Josh and I couldn't do anything but stand there, crying. Jordan was silent, as if the screams of our mother and father were his lullaby._

_Our father went still as our mother sobbed into the pillow. "Daddy, w-what are y-you doing t-t-to Momma?" I choked out. He whipped his head to the door, a wild look in his eyes. He pulled up his pants and marched to the door, slamming it shut in our faces. Josh grabbed my arm, pulling me towards his bedroom. "No! Josh he's hurting her!" I screamed, trying to break free of his grasp._

_He pulled me into the bedroom and sat me down on his bed. "We can't do anything, Ashley. He'll hurt us. Or worse, he'll hurt Momma more." He laid Jordan's small sleeping frame in his crib and sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. He held me and ran his fingers through my hair, shushing me. "Calm down, Sissy. Momma would want us to be strong. Take deep breaths." Josh struggled to soothe me through his sobs._

****end of trigger warning****

 

I wiped the mud off my hands on my pants, trembling I laid down, my breathing unsteady as I curled in on myself. I placed my arm under my head and my vision became hazy, my head was spinning. I tried to blink away the tears as I watched the rain pour. Then everything went black.


	15. Heart Shaped Rock

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**Josh's POV**

 

I followed Ashley up the front steps, keeping my head hung low. She stared at me the entire bus ride home. She knows I've been crying. Sometimes, I hate how observant she is. I didn't say a word as I opened the front door, letting my little sister go in first. I heard her mutter a quiet "thank you". I shut the door as quietly as possible, not wanting anyone to know we're here. I wiped my muddy shoes by the door and began to race towards the stairs, hoping I could make it upstairs fast enough without being seen.

Ashley stuck her arm out in front of me, placing a finger to her lips and signaling to be as quiet as possible. I held my breath as we tiptoed across the creaky wooden floor. Just as Ashley reached for the railing on the stairs, Granny's voice rang out - we froze. "Ashley? Josh? What're you doin' sneakin' around for? Get your tushies in here!"

I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut as I mentally cursed myself for listening to Ashley. I should've made a run for it. I rolled my eyes as we made our way into the living room, still keeping my head down. I shifted from foot to foot, waiting anxiously. Granny's voice made my head snap up. "What's the matter with you two?"

"Nothing!" Ashley and I rushed out. Crap.

She raised one eyebrow, her lips pursed. "Mhm," she got up from the love seat, placing her crossword puzzle down. "Well, come in here and sit down. We have a surprise for y'all." She and Grampa walked out of the room and into the den, whispering to each other.

I walked into the living room with Ashley and sat down on the love seat with a sigh. I hate surprises. I've had enough surprises for today. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the images of that.. thing. Ashley nudged me and whispered, "Hey, look excited. Maybe we can get out of here faster?" I nodded and forced what I hoped looked like a smile on my face.

Grampa came back into the living room, dragging something behind him. I raised an eyebrow, the smile on my face replaced with confusion. When Grampa stepped away from the 'surprise' for us, I felt like I was going to puke.

"Well?! What do you think?" Grampa clapped his hands together, grinning.

Granny stood by the rocking horse, that I had hoped I would never see again, with a smile on her face and her hands resting on her hips. "Your Grampa and I stopped by the old house and picked up a few of the things y'all left behind." She pointed to a box filled with what I assumed were the toys our father used to bring us.

"We had to hide it in the den from Jordan. Had to pry the boy off of it." Grampa chuckled, sitting back down in his chair and taking a long drink from his glass filled with whiskey.

I attempted to stifle my vomit, my jaw clenched shut. I have to calm down. I have to. Or something bad will happen.

"Well? Aren't you excited? I thought you two would be jumping for joy, fighting each other over it." Granny had a displeased look on her face. I wanted to scream.

"I-I.. I don't--" I tripped over my words, "T-th--thank you." I'm definitely going to puke. I stood up, gripping the straps of my backpack, trying to hang on. "Um- I- I have a lot- a lot of homework. C-can I go upstairs? To my room?"

Grampa turned his head and gave me a worried look. "Sure, son. You alright?" Oh, God. Don't do that. Not now.

 

I nodded quickly and dashed out of the room, running up the stairs. My bedroom door looked like it was moving farther away from me. I ran faster, opening my door hastily then slamming it shut, locking it before leaning against it and sliding down to the floor. I yanked my backpack off and threw it across my floor. 

I pulled my knees to my chest and placed my head in my hands, letting out a shaky breath.  _Why?_ Why did they have to do that? No one asked!

I know that they have  _no idea_ what memory is connected to that pile of junk, but as soon as I saw it, I felt like someone hit me in the chest with a baseball bat. I can't imagine what Ashley must be feeling. I tried. 

I _tried_ to keep her from opening their door, but she wouldn't listen. She's stubborn. She wasn't the only one that wanted to do something about it. But we couldn't. There was nothing that we could do about it. I tried explaining that to her but she wouldn't listen. I held her in my arms until she cried herself to sleep.

She doesn't know that wasn't the first time it happened. She was too little. Ashley was about the same age as Jordan was when she saw it happen. I didn't understand what was going on when I first saw it. I asked Momma what Dad was doing to her and she said they were making a baby.

I was young but I don't think making a baby involves screaming and fighting and- and blood. He always made her bleed. Jordan was born shortly after, meaning they _did_ make a baby. But I don't think it was on purpose. Momma was pregnant with Abby after Ashley and I saw him do it again. 

I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms, sniffling as I tried to calm down. I want to punch something. I want to scream. Suddenly, someone did. It came from downstairs. I stood up and cracked my door open after unlocking it. I could hear Granny talking and Ashley yelling.

I walked into the hallway, stopping at the top of the stairs. I watched Ashley run out of the living room and open the front door, letting it bang against the wall. Granny rushed to the door, yelling for Ashley to come back as she ran down the steps and out of sight. This isn't good.

My mothers' bedroom door opened. I turned around to see her still in her pajamas, she looked like she just woke up. "What's going on, Josh?" I struggled to form a sentence.

"I'll tell you what's goin' on!" Granny called out from the bottom of the stairs. My mother stood beside me, hand on her hip and her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "Ashley threw a fit over that damn rocking horse and ran outta here like a bat outta hell!"

My mother gasped, pushing me out of the way to run down the stairs and rush to the open front door. "What do you mean she just left?! You _let_ her leave?!" She turned around, glaring at Granny.

" _What in the hell_ was I supposed to do, Laura?! I'm old! I can't run after her!" Granny yelled.

My mother's face went pale. "Wait a minute.. you said something about a rocking horse?" Her voice shook.

Granny placed her hands on her hips, mouth turned into a grimace. "Yes! Your father and I went to the old house and brought it here along with some other toys y'all left behind!"

"You-- You shouldn't have done that! What were you thinking?!" Momma yelled, her eyes burning with anger.

"I thought--"

"No!" Momma cut Granny off. "I want that goddamn rocking horse out of here by tomorrow morning! And the other shit!"

"Fine!" Granny grabbed her coat and pulled it on. She slipped into her shoes and picked up her car keys off the table by the door. "Well, come on! Let's go find her!"

My mother put her hands to her head. "I can't just _leave_ Abby!"

"I'll go!" I ran down the stairs. "I already have my shoes and coat on, anyway. Plus.. I think I know where she is."

Granny grabbed my hand and led me down the front steps towards her car. We hurriedly clambered into the car, buckling our seat belts as quickly as possible. As we backed out and drove away, I watched my mother standing in the doorway, her hand placed over her mouth.

 

"So, you think you know where she might be?" My grandmother asked, frantically looking back and forth, from sidewalk to sidewalk.

"Yeah," I said breathless, "You know the park on Terrace Drive?" She nodded, lighting up a cigarette and cracking her window. "There's a forest behind it. We went exploring in it one day. That's where we found the heart shaped rock we gave you."

"Then, hold on to your butt, kid." Granny sped up, taking a sharp turn as she flicked her cigarette in the ashtray. It began to pour rain.

My body surged forward, the seat belt holding me in place. The scraping of the windshield wipers echoing in my head. 

I hope we can find her. Ashley's somewhere in the woods in the pouring rain. My stomach twisted in knots at the thought of something happening to her.


	16. Memory Comes When Memory's Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Living with a traumatic memory means that you will carry the weight of it forever on your back.**
> 
> **The older the memory, the heavier this weight gets.**

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

I woke up shivering. My hands numb and my face frozen. My eyes were swollen and I strained to keep them open. I hurt so much. The sky was getting darker, the rain now just a light drizzle. I shifted, my muscles stiff as I sluggishly moved my body into an upright position. My pants stuck to my knees, blood soaking through the fabric that was smeared with dried mud. I wrapped my arms around my shaking frame, teeth chattering. 

I shouldn't have ran away. I shouldn't have hid. Momma always said to never hide.

I could try to walk back home but I don't think I can move. I curled in on myself, sleepiness washing over me. With slow breaths I struggled to keep my eyes open. Just before I drifted into the somnolence that seemed to blanket me, pulling me under, I heard my name being called. 

I raised my head wearily, trying to open my eyes. I tried to move but I felt glued to the spot where I sat. I heard someone call my name again, amidst the sound of footsteps on wet leaves and branches snapping. "I-I-I'm d-down h-h-h-he--here." I murmured, my voice slurring a bit.

The footsteps neared closer, the voice louder than before. "Ashley! Where are you?!"

It's Josh. He came looking for me. 

I struggled to move, my feet slipping out from under me, I fell back down on my knees. Grimacing in pain, I tried lifting myself up by my hands. They were too numb. I let my body collapse on the cold hard ground. I sniffled and attempted to speak again, "J-Jo-Josh?" My voice barely above a whisper.

I heard nothing but silence for a moment, confusing me. Maybe I imagined the voice? Or am I dreaming? I listened to the rustling of leaves, a shred of hope lingering in my mind. It's probably just an animal. Maybe it will eat me... then I won't have to remember anything ever again.

 

Suddenly, heavy footsteps against rocks and a familiar voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Ashley! Are you down there?!"

Josh. It _is_ Josh. 

I could hear my slow and steady heartbeat pounding in my ears as I tried desperately to raise my voice. "Y-yes-s. I-I'm d-down h-h-here."

A thud sounded near me, hurried footsteps coming closer. "Oh my God! Ashley!" Josh kneeled beside me, his hand gently touched my cheek. "You're freezing! Can you get up?!"

"No. I tried." I croaked out.

He sighed heavily, sniffling. "Okay, just-- hold on. I'm gonna pick you up, okay? I need to turn you over first." He gently grabbed my shoulder and rolled me over. "Alright, I'm gonna pick you up now."

He placed an arm under my neck and under my knees, lifting me off the ground. I laid my head on his shoulder as he walked out into the open, the harsh wind and chilly air hitting us immediately, causing me to shudder against his chest. "It'll be okay, Sissy. I've got you." Josh sniffled. I sobbed, feeling like a terrible sister for making my brother cry. Everyone is probably so angry with me.

The sound of his heavy, labored breathing and his footsteps against the forest floor were the last things I heard before I let sleep pull me under.

 

 

I heard many voices, hushed and distraught, as I awoke. I was warmer and my hands were no longer numb. I tried opening my eyes but my eyelids felt as heavy as a ton of bricks. I acknowledged someone sitting down next to me, pulling me towards them, my head resting in their lap. Fingers ran through my hair as I heard a soft voice. 

My mother. 

"My baby... I'm so sorry." She sobbed. "I should have been there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She rocked me gently in her arms.

"W-where did y-you find-- find her, Josh?" She asked through sobs.

"She-- she was d-deep in the forest, laying in what looked like a cave. She was s-so pale..." Josh's voice was shaky and quiet.

My mother held me closer in her arms, wrapping the blanket around me tighter. "She needs a warm bath." She sniffed. "And some soup and tea."

"I'll make her a hot toddy and warm up some of the leftover chicken and dumplings." I heard my grandma say, her footsteps retreating into the kitchen.

My mother sighed and tenderly stroked my cheek. "I'm so glad you found her in time, Josh. You're a very, _very_ brave boy. I love you both so very much. I'm so sorry I'm not around as much as I should be."

"Momma, it's okay. This isn't your fault." Josh tried to assure her. "And we love you too, with all our hearts."

She choked out a sob and muttered, "I'm so sorry."

I could hear Abigail cry from upstairs. Josh sighed, "Take her upstairs, Momma. I'll check on Abby."

"Thank you so much, Josh." My mother breathed out.

 

Momma lifted me up, carrying me in her arms to go upstairs. I could hear the creaking of the wood floorboards change into the soft padding of my mothers' feet against the tiled floor. She laid me down on the fluffy bathroom rug. 

I heard the squeaking of a cabinet door, running water following after. I sensed my mothers' presence and felt a warm cloth gently wiping against my eyes. "You gotta open your eyes, baby. We need to get you in the tub. I need you to be awake."

I slowly opened my eyes, my mothers' grief stricken face and worry filled eyes meeting mine. "Hey there, sleepyhead." She quietly laughed, stifling a sob.

The corners of my lips tugged into a small smile. "I love you, Momma."

She let out a breathless laugh, her face contorting into a frown. "I love you too, baby. _So much_." She kissed me on my forehead and stroked my hair. "Let's get you in the bath, yeah? Can you sit up for me?"

I nodded, even though I was unsure if I could. I planted my hands on the rug, scooting across the floor until I was sitting up, my back against the side of the bathtub. She laid the washcloth on the side of the tub and twisted the temperature knobs, sticking her hand under the stream of water and adjusting the temperature. Once she thought it was warm enough, she plugged the tub and sat down beside me.

"You gave us quite a scare, y'know that?" She held my hand.

"I'm sorry." I hung my head, ashamed. "I-I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to scare everyone. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorr--" My rambling broke off into sobs.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me onto her lap, moving a strand of hair that had fallen in front of my face behind my ear. " _Shh_ , it's okay. The important thing is that you're _safe_ and you're still here. You're safe." She sniffled, wiping a tear from her eye. "But don't you _ever_ do something like that _ever_ again. You hear me?"

I nodded before nuzzling my head in the crook of her neck. "Yes, Momma. I swear it. I'll never do that again. I promise."

"Okay." She kissed the top of my head. "Now let's get these wet clothes off and get into the warm bath."

She helped me stand up, my knees wobbling beneath me. She pulled my soaked shirt over my head, tossing it on the floor. She held my waist as I pulled down my pants and underwear, I held onto her arms as I stepped out of them. She kneeled down as I placed my hands on her shoulders, she slipped my wet socks off one by one. 

I held onto her hand as I stepped into the tub. I carefully sat down, the warm water enveloping me, melting the cold from my bones. She smiled at me as she wet the washcloth again and squeezed soap onto it. 

For once, I was comfortable with my mother seeing me naked. I wasn't afraid. I only felt comfort.

 

 

My mother led me into my room, a towel wrapped around my body. "Momma?" She turned her head towards me from where she stood by my closet. "Can I wear my footie pajamas?"

She smiled and nodded her head. "Of course, silly goose."

Once I had put my pajamas on and Momma tucked me into bed, Granny knocked on my open bedroom door. "Hey, Pumpkin. You hungry? I got your favorite." I nodded as she made her way into my room, tray in her hands. Momma sat at the end of my bed.

Granny placed the tray over my legs carefully to avoid spilling anything. "Now, you're to eat all of that and drink every bit of what's in that mug." She raised a brow, a slight smirk on her face.

"What's in it?" I asked her.

"It'll knock whatever ya may have caught down there right out of ya. That's all ya need to know." She winked at me.

Momma sighed, exasperatedly. "Mom, I told you to make her tea, not get her drunk."

Granny scoffed. "Oh please! There's barely any bourbon in there. It's mostly ginger, tea, honey, and lemon juice." She sighed, shaking her head as she shuffled out of my bedroom.

I eyed the drink, warily. "Go ahead, baby. Eat. The drink will make you feel better." Momma patted my leg and stood up to walk over to my bookshelf.

I brought the mug to my mouth, sniffing as the steam rose from the mug. I took a sip and scrunched my nose at the taste. It wasn't terrible but I certainly wouldn't request it. Momma walked back over and settled down at the end of my bed. "I believe _this_ was the book you wanted to read last night?" She smirked as I nodded my head, smiling.

She read "Where The Wild Things Are" while I ate my soup and gulped down the warm drink. I fell asleep to the sound of her voice, softly singing "Rhiannon".


	17. Fingers Crossed

****

**Josh's POV**

 

_November 15th, 1997 _

 

I couldn't sleep. I laid awake in bed until the glowing stars on my ceiling faded into the pale light of morning. All I could think about was Ashley. What would have happened if I hadn't found her in time? _What if I hadn't found her at all?_  

I grimaced at the thought of losing my sister... over that stupid rocking horse. People don't realize the weight objects can hold over our minds. That they can connect to memories and thoughts like a train. A train that could derail at any moment. I turned over on my side and stared at my alarm clock. 6:42 AM. 

I sighed and got out of bed, I usually wake up around this time to get ready for school anyway. As I shuffled to the door, I could hear the sound of little feet padding across the hall and race down the stairs. I opened my door to see my mom standing in front of me, her hand raised as if she was about to knock. She smiled. "Granny and I made breakfast. Come downstairs when you're ready."

She walked away, still smiling, as I stood there shocked watching her move down the stairs. She's never up this early, aside from our first day of school. I stood in the hallway, dumbfounded. She doesn't make breakfast either... I shook my head, attempting to clear my thoughts and moseyed on into the bathroom. I peered into the mirror, bringing my hands to my face. I squished my cheeks together and pulled the sides of my eyelids outward. I look awful. I'm glad today is Saturday.

I trudged downstairs and into the kitchen. "Good mornin', son!" Grampa bellowed from behind his newspaper. I winced at the volume of his voice and the clattering of forks scraping on plates. I rubbed my eyes and plopped onto my seat, next to Ashley. She was grinning as she shoveled biscuits and gravy in her mouth. I raised my eyebrows in amusement and shook my head. I'm glad she's feeling better.

"Well, aren't ya gonna eat, Joshua?" Granny raised her eyebrows, pulling a biscuit apart. I hate it when someone calls me by my full name. I watched steam flow out from the middle of the biscuit, my stomach growled. I hate being hungry, too. Jordan clapped his hands from where he sat in his highchair and I nodded, giving her a half smile. 

I grabbed two biscuits and began tearing them into small pieces. The only sounds in the room being the scraping of cutlery and satisfied sighs. Until Grampa spoke up. "Looks like you didn't sleep last night, bucko?" His statement coming out more of a question as he peered from the top of his newspaper.

I shook my head, sighing. "I didn't. At all."

Momma's eyebrows knitted together, worry gracing her features. "Why not, honey? Are you feeling okay?" She placed the back of her hand against my forehead.

I gently pushed her hand away from me and stood up, leaning over the table to scoop gravy onto my plate. " _I'm fine_ , Momma. I just couldn't shut my brain off for some reason." I shrugged, sitting back down and began eating.

Grampa folded his newspaper and sat it beside his plate, picking up his mug of coffee and taking a sip before asking, "Would that have anything to do with what happened yesterday?" 

Ashley hung her head.

" _Maybe_. Can we not--"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, Joshua." Granny scowled.

I swallowed my food and cleared my throat, rolling my eyes. "Can we not talk about yesterday? Please?"

Granny narrowed her eyes at me and took a sip of her coffee. "Sure. But you roll your eyes at me again and you'll be raking leaves for the rest of the day."

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry." I muttered, picking up a piece of bacon.

Everyone went back to eating, the topic of yesterday's events forgotten, for now. 

Momma spoke up, "So, what do you kids wanna do today? _I was thinking_  that we could go grocery shopping and make dinner together! Maybe play Uno after?" She took a drink of her orange juice, a hopeful glint in her eyes and a small smile on her face.

"That sounds like a swell idea! Granny and I'll watch Abigail and Jordan while you three are out." Grampa declared as he stood up, taking his plate and coffee mug to the kitchen sink.

"What are we gonna make for dinner, Momma?" Ashley asked, a bit of gravy smeared across her freckled cheek.

Momma grinned, standing up and picking up her plate and glass. "Anything you two wanna make, sweetie pie."

Ashley gasped and turned her head towards me. "Bubby, let's make cinnamon rolls!"

I narrowed my eyes at her while Granny snorted. "Sissy, you don't eat cinnamon rolls for dinner. How 'bout we make lasagna?"

"Ooh, yes! _So much cheese_." Ashley clapped her hands together, Jordan mimicked her actions.

 

  
After we cleared our plates and washed them in the sink, all of us meandered into the den. Rocking horse nowhere in sight. Grampa turned on the TV, switching the channel to Cartoon Network. Grampa was the coolest. He didn't just put cartoons on and leave us, he watched them _with us_ and he clearly enjoyed them. Tom and Jerry was his favorite.

Our eyes glued to the TV, while we watched Tom use Jerry as a yo-yo, Grampa shouted, "Hey! I got a hell of an idea! Why don't we get a little kitty cat today?" He gained all of our attention. Ashley, Jordan, and I gasped, bouncing in our seats.

Neither Granny or Momma protested. They just smiled and nodded their heads, Granny going back to her crossword puzzle and Momma watching us fondly. "Let's get everything the kitty needs today and we'll go pick one out tomorrow. That way we can bring Jordan along as well." Momma suggested, grinning from ear to ear.

Ashley and I nodded our heads excitedly, Jordan clapped his hands and cheered. We've always wanted a cat. We had one before, but Dad killed it.. in front of all of us. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head slightly, turning my attention back to the TV. Ashley rested her head against my shoulder, a smile still planted on her face. I placed my arm behind her, pulling her close and hugging her. I'm so glad she's still here. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend.

Suddenly, the phone rang, startling all of us and causing Abigail to cry from upstairs. "I'll get it." Grampa declared, rising from his chair with a grunt and walking to where the phone hung on the wall. Momma rushed upstairs.

Grampa picked up the receiver, "Hello?" He was silent for a moment, nodding his head and letting out quiet 'uh huhs' and 'I see'. "Well, let me get him for ya." He placed his hand over the receiver and called out, "Josh! You have a friend on the phone!"

I rushed to where my grandpa stood, holding the phone out to me. I placed the receiver to my ear letting out a breathless "Hello?"

 _"Jishwa! It's Tyler."_ I grinned at the sound of his voice.

"Hey, Ty! What's up?"

_"I was just wondering if ya wanted to come over to my house today?"_

I frowned, remembering the plans Momma made for us. I sighed. "I'm sorry, Ty. I can't come over today. I'm goin' grocery shopping with my mom and Ashley. Then we're getting stuff for a cat we're gonna get tomorrow."

He was silent for a minute.

"Ty? Are you still there?"

_"Yeah! Yeah, I'm still here. Uh, what about--"_

"Hold on, Ty."

Momma walked back downstairs, Abigail in her arms. I placed the receiver to my chest. "Hey, Momma is it okay if my friend, Tyler, comes over today?"

She tsked. "We have a lot to do today, Josh. I don't know about that."

" _Please?_ He can help us make dinner and eat with us! And he can play Uno with us!" I pleaded.

Momma sighed and rolled her eyes. " _Oh alright._ Write down his address and tell him we'll be by around 2 o'clock to pick him up and so I can meet his parents." She patted me on the back and shuffled into the kitchen.

"Thank you so much, Momma!" I called after her. She waved me off, sighing.

I placed the receiver back to my ear. "Ty? You still there?"

_"Yep."_

"Do you wanna come to my house? We can make lasagna together and- and we were all gonna play Uno together, you can join us!"

He giggled. _"I was gonna ask if I could come over before you told me to hold on!"_

I laughed, grinning so wide I was sure my face was going to break in half. "So do you think you can?"

_"Lemme go ask my Mom real quick!"_

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and waited impatiently, tapping my foot against the old rug that was stained with God knows what. A few minutes passed until I heard Tyler on the other end of the phone, slightly out of breath.

_"Josh? You there?"_

"Yeah, I'm here."

_"She said I can come over but she wants to talk to your mom first."_

"That's cool. My mom wanted to talk to your parents anyway. Lemme go get her."

_"Okie dokie! I'll run back downstairs to put my mom on the phone!"_

 

I ran into the kitchen, dragging the cord with me. My mom was standing next to the kitchen sink, rinsing out one of Abby's bottles. "Momma! Momma!" I said excitedly.

"What?! What?! She smiled, laughing at my urgency.

"Tyler's mom wants to talk to you." I let out a breath. "She said he can come over but she needs to talk to you first." I held the phone out to her.

She dried her hands on the dish towel and tossed it back on the counter, taking the receiver from me and placing it to her ear. "Hello?"

I hopped from foot to foot, anxiously waiting while I listened to my mom talk to Tyler's mom. I shook my hands and started pacing back and forth. This is taking too long. I stopped pacing and stood in front of my mom, placing my hands on my hips and tapping my foot against the tile floor. "Momma?" I whispered.

She held her hand up, silently ordering me to wait. "Uh huh... yeah, it's no problem." She scribbled something down on a piece of paper. "We'll be by around 2 o'clock. Is that alright for you?" I hopped up and down, clapping my hands together. Momma smiled at me. "Alrighty! We'll see you then! Bye bye." She grinned and walked back to hang up the phone.

"Is he coming over?!" I tugged on the hem of her shirt. "Well, is he?!"

She let out a breathy laugh and ruffled my hair. "Yes! Yes, he's coming over!"

I cheered and lifted my arms in the air, running in circles. "Yes! Oh my God! I gotta go get ready!"

Momma shook her head at me and went back into the kitchen as I rushed up the stairs to pick out my clothes and take a bath.

Today is going to be the best day, ever.


	18. Not Cool

****

**Josh's POV**

 

Jordan ended up coming with us to go shopping after all. He threw a tantrum until Momma picked him up and buckled him in his car seat. I rolled my eyes at him from where I sat beside him in the van. His tears dried up immediately when Momma pulled out of the driveway. Ashley sat in the front seat, switching the radio stations until the sound of Chumbawamba filled the car. Ashley and I sang our hearts out, Momma singing the girl's part, while Jordan mumbled along to the words.

For the whole song, all the bad thoughts and the bad things that have happened seemed to disappear. As if they never happened. I wonder if this is how it feels for people that didn't have bad things happen to them... or watch them happen. Is that even possible? I doubt it. 

Everyone goes through _something_ horrible in their life. No matter what age. Sure, it may not be as bad as some people have it but it's still bad. Sometimes, I still can't help but feel jealous of kids. The kids whose parent's aren't split up. The kids that have families that don't yell and argue with each other. The kids that have never seen their mother beaten or been beaten themselves...

What am I saying? I don't know what goes on in their life! _I don't even have friends._ I never did. Ashley's always been my best friend. Well... Tyler's my new friend _and_ he's coming over today. I tried to contain my giddiness as I let out a sigh and looked out the window. I lightly gasped as I noticed it wasn't raining.

I pressed my face to the glass of the window, peering up at the blue sky; not a cloud in sight. I watched the trees as we drove on and counted light posts until my sister screamed from the front seat. "Oh my God! This is my favorite song!" She turned the volume up and began dancing in her seat, singing a Backstreet Boys song I've heard a gahzillion times.

"Every song is your 'favorite song'." I murmured under my breath, rolling my eyes. Momma met my eyes in the rear-view mirror, catching me lip syncing to the song. _Okay_ , so I like the Backstreet Boys. But Ashley can't know that. Ever.

We pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store and my mom tried to find a place to park, muttering curse words under her breath. I covered Jordan's ears and yelled over the music, gasping, "Momma! You're not s'posed to use that type of language!" I smirked and she rolled her eyes, finally parking the van.

"And _you_ aren't supposed to sing along to the Backstreet Boys, since you hate them so much." She turned her head, raising her eyebrows in amusement at my shocked expression, my mouth agape.

"Momma!" I whined, unbuckling my seat belt. "Not cool."

 

We strolled down the aisles of the store, Ashley and I on separate sides of the shopping cart and Jordan sitting in the bench of the cart. He swung his feet as Momma stepped away to grab the lasagna noodles. "Bubba! Push me!" He yelled.

I rolled my eyes. "No, Jordan. Be quiet."

"I don' hafta!" He smiled and started yelling nonsense. Momma placed the noodles in the cart and pushed it towards the milk and cheese aisle. "Jordan, stop yelling. Use your inside voice." Momma said sternly. He didn't stop yelling. Instead he pulled up his shirt and screamed, "I hafta pee! Pee, pee, pee!"

Momma sighed and turned the cart around, now walking to the restrooms. I groaned as Ashley and I sat down on the bench near the family restroom. Momma picked Jordan up and carried him into the restroom. 

Ashley scuffed her feet against the shiny floor of the grocery store and sighed. "So... are you excited that Tyler's coming over?"

I perked up at the mention of Tyler. "Yeah! He's gonna make dinner with us and everything!"

"Josh, this was _supposed_ to be a 'family day'." She grumbled, lifting her head and narrowing her eyes at me. "Now, it's gonna be _all about your friend_."

I scoffed. "It is not! Tyler's nice.. a-and cool. I don't know what your problem is, Ash."

"He is _not_ cool, Josh. And his brother is a total mouth-breather. Which makes _him_ a mouth-breather." She rolled her eyes, her pink and purple windbreaker rustling as she crossed her arms over her chest.

I gasped, standing up and clenching my hands into fists. "You take that back!"

"Nope. I don't have to." She smirked.

"Take it back! You're being a- a dipcrap!" I scowled.

She furrowed her eyebrows together, uncrossing her arms. "A dipcrap? Where'd you come up with that? _Tyler?_ "

Before I could say anything, the restroom door opened and Jordan ran out, Momma chasing after him. "Jordan! You get back here this instant!"

Ashley sighed while I giggled, grabbing the handle of the shopping cart and following Momma and Jordan. We caught up with them near the refrigerated section. Jordan was sprawled out on the floor, kicking his legs and yelling. 

Ashley shook her head. "He does this _every time_ we go shopping. I don't know why Momma brings him with us. She should have left him with Granny and Grampa."

I snickered at the sight of Momma picking Jordan up from the floor and swatting his butt. "At least he went to the right section of the store."

Ashley shrugged her shoulders, nodding in agreement.

 

When we arrived back home, Jordan was fast asleep in his car seat, drooling. I can't decide which scene was worse, Jordan flailing at the grocery store or screaming that he wanted every animal at the pet store. Ashley made a funny joke about buying a leash for him. 

Momma scolded us and ordered for us to bring the shopping bags into the house while she took Jordan inside, to put him in his bed. I walked to the back of the van and put as many bags as I could on my arms. Ashley snickered but copied me, managing to grab the rest of the bags from the trunk space.

We lumbered up the porch steps, lugging the heavy bags into the house. Both of us dropped them on the kitchen table and began to make our way into the living room. Momma stood at the bottom of the stairs and stopped us. "Ah, ah, ah. Didya get all of 'em?"

Ashley and I let out a collective sigh and nodded our heads, muttering a "Yes, Momma".

Momma ruffled my hair and kissed Ashley on the top of her head. "Good job, kiddos. Josh, go make sure your room is clean and we'll go pick Tyler up when I'm done putting everything away."

"Yes, ma'am!" I bolted upstairs, not bothering to take my jacket off. I opened my bedroom door and gasped at the sight. Toys, books, and all of my blankets and pillows were scattered on the floor. This was _not_ how I left it. Someone sabotaged me. 

I huffed, stomping down the stairs. "Ashley! You're dead meat!"

I chased her around the house, yelling while she giggled. As we turned the corner of the entryway and raced into the kitchen, Momma grabbed both of our shirts, separating us. I punched and grabbed at the air, trying to reach Ashley while she just stood there, a stupid grin on her face. 

Momma sighed, exasperatedly. "What's going on?"

"That dipcrap trashed my room!" I shouted, pointing at Ashley.

Ashley scoffed. " _As if_ I'd want to go into your smelly room. Seriously, it's a _total_ mess."

I growled and lunged at her, Momma's grip on my shirt preventing me from reaching her. "You did! Admit it! You went into my room and threw everything on the floor before we left! Didn't you?!"

Ashley crossed her arms over her chest. "Why would I want to do that? You're just blaming _me_ for _your_ grossness."

"Because you don't like Tyler! You called him a mouth-breather!" I shouted.

"I said no such thing! You're lying!" Ashley yelled, stomping her feet.

"Enough!" Momma roared over our shouting. We went silent, scowling and narrowing our eyes at each other. "Sit down. The both of you. And no more yelling." Momma let go of us and gestured to the kitchen table.

I sat across from Ashley while Momma sat at the end of the table. She placed her hands together, letting out a deep sigh. " _Now_... you're both going to tell me what's going on, one at a time. Do not speak until I ask you a question and use your inside voices. Understood?"

Ashley and I nodded, looking away from each other. Momma turned her head towards me. "Josh, you said your room is a mess. Why do you believe Ashley is the one who made it that way?"

" _Because_ ," I sighed. "Before we left to go shopping, it wasn't like that. I had already made my bed and cleaned everything up off the floor. _And_ when we were at the grocery store, Ashley called Tyler a mouth-breather and complained about him coming over."

" _Mhm_ ," Momma tsked, turning her head to the red-haired devil sitting across from me. "Ashley, did you destroy Josh's room?"

"I-I- I didn't- I--," Ashley stumbled over her words, her bottom lip quivering. _Great_ , she's gonna cry and try to get out of getting in trouble. I rolled my eyes as she hung her head and let out a sob.

" _Ashley_ , tell me the truth." Momma pressed.

"Yes! Okay?! I did it!" Ashley shouted.

"Ashley, what did I say about using your inside voice?" Momma scolded, raising an eyebrow.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry, Momma." Ashley whimpered.

Momma rubbed her temples and closed her eyes as she let out an agitated sigh. "Ashley... _Why?_ Why did you do it?"

She squeezed her eyes shut, managing to let a single tear fall. 

Impressive. 

"B-Because," Ashley gave Momma the most pathetic look I've _ever_ seen. "Today w-was s'posed to b-be _our_ day. An-and n-now Tyler's coming over and it's gonna be all about him."

I rolled my eyes as Momma gave Ashley a stern look. "Ashley, there will be plenty of days where we can spend time together. You're being ridiculous and your actions _will_ have consequences."

Ashley sighed and hung her head as Momma stood up from her seat. She pointed a finger at the both of us. "Ashley, go clean up his room. I want it to be spotless when we get back." Ashley muttered something under her breath and stood as well. She shuffled towards the stairs. 

Momma patted me on the back and grabbed her car keys. "Josh, c'mon. We're gonna go pick up Tyler."

I nodded, feeling triumphant, and stood to follow my mom to the van. Tyler, here we come.


	19. "A Nin-do-what?"

****

**Tyler's POV**

 

I darted around my room, grabbing my pajamas, socks, and my church clothes from my dresser and stuffed them into my overnight bag. I raced into the bathroom I shared with my brother, Zack, who was sitting on his bed watching me. I opened a drawer, taking my toothbrush cover out and placing it on my toothbrush. I rushed back to my overnight bag and tossed it in. 

I took one last glace around my room making sure I packed everything I needed. An idea popped into my head and I snatched my bag off of my bed and barreled down the stairs.

I scurried across the living room floor, dropped my bag on the floor and kneeled in front of the TV, blocking my mom and dad's view of the ballgame. " _C'mon, son._ Move out of the way." My dad grumbled.

"Yeah, Tyler. What are you up to anyway?" Mom questioned.

I unplugged the Nintendo 64 from the back of the TV and out of the wall socket. "I'm taking this to Josh's house. I'm not sure if he has one." I unplugged the controllers and began wrapping the cords around them before grabbing the games. I placed the console in the bag carefully, then stuffed the games and controllers between my clothes.

I stood up, picking up my bag and walked towards my mom. "Mom... c-can I take some snacks to Josh's house, too?"

Mom sighed. "Tyler, I'm _sure_ Josh has snacks."

"But what if he doesn't?!" I exclaimed. "I only want to take some Capri Suns, Pop-Tarts, Oreo's, and Cheetos."

Mom snickered. " _Only?!_ "

I nodded my head, a hopeful look on my face. "Please?"

She turned her head towards my dad, who shrugged, then looked back at me, sighing. "I guess."

I lunged forward, hugging her tightly before rushing into the kitchen and raiding the pantry. "Thank you!"

Just as I packed the rest of the snacks and zipped up my overnight bag, there was a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" I yelled, running to the front door, my bag hanging off one shoulder. I opened the door and was greeted by Josh and his mom. "Hey, Josh!" I grinned.

"Tyler, you're s'posed to let them in." I turned around to see my brother standing on the stairs, rolling his eyes.

I silently mocked him as my mom entered the room. "Hi, you must be Laura!" They shook hands and my mom kneeled down to Josh's height. "And _you_ must be Josh! We've heard so much about you!" Josh gave a shy smile as my eyes widened and my face flushed.

" _Mom_!" I whined. "You're embarrassing me!"

She ruffled my hair and rolled her eyes. " _Oh, please._ It's the truth! He hasn't stopped talking about Josh since the two met at school." Josh's mom laughed as my mom ushered them inside. Our moms walked into the living room, my mom introducing Josh's mom to my dad. 

Josh and I shuffled our feet near the front door.

"So, what's in the bag?" Josh asked.

"Oh! I thought I'd bring my Nintendo 64 and some games over." I grinned.

"Cool! What games ya got?"

Before I could reply, Zack yelled from the stairs. "Hey! That's not fair! What am I s'posed to do while you're gone?!"

I scoffed, rolling my eyes and turning around to face him. "There's a bunch of stuff you can do without me. Watch movies, play basketball, get bent? Heck, you can play with Maddy for all I care!"

Zack gasped while Josh tried to stifle his laughter. "I'm tellin' Mom!" He hopped off the last step and yelled, "Mom! Tyler told me to--"

I put my hand over his mouth and spoke up as our moms entered the room again. "I told him to play with Maddy while I'm gone and he is just _so excited!_ " I grinned.

Zack bit my finger. "That's not--"

Mom patted him on the back. "Oh, Zack. Say goodbye to your brother and go watch the game with your dad."

He turned to me, a scowl on his face. "Get. Out."

I faked a smile while holding the finger he bit. "See ya, Zack."

 

The short ride to Josh's house we talked excitedly about what we wanted to do first. Pulling into his driveway we decided to set up the Nintendo and his mom said we'll start making dinner after. We hopped out of the van and ran up to the front door, Josh's mom following us. 

When Josh opened the door the scent of cinnamon and pine hit me in the face. It was really warm inside, a drastic and pleasant change from the bitter cold outside. It was sunny earlier but now it looks like it might snow.

I shrugged my coat off, placing it on the coat rack and toed my shoes off. Josh did the same. "So, where's your TV?" I asked, still holding my bag.

"Oh! Right. Follow me." Josh led me through a room with two couches placed near a fireplace, and a bare Christmas tree sat in the corner. We walked down a hall and into a room where an old guy sat in a chair, drinking what looked like honey and was smoking a pipe. When he saw me he put it out and placed a cap on it before sticking it in his shirt pocket.

"You must be Tyler!" He bellowed, startling me a bit. He held out his hand and I walked forward to shake it.

"Yes, sir." I nodded.

"Well, it's nice to put a face to the name we've been hearin' all about!" He chuckled. "You can call me Mr. McCollum, sir, Grampa, or old fart. I don' care, just make sure you speak up a little. My hearin' isn't as good as it use to be." He smiled. "Make yourself at home, son! No need to be shy 'round here." He leaned in and whispered, "This place will turn into a damn zoo in about ten minutes, _just you wait_."

I giggled and made my way to where Josh stood near the TV. He was looking around it, frantically.

"Josh, whaddya doin', son?" Josh's grandpa asked, an eyebrow raised.

Josh turned to him and sighed, frustrated. "We need to plug his Nintendo in and I can't find a plug for it."

Grampa furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "A Nin-do-what?"

I sat my bag on the floor and zipped it open, pulling the console out. " _This._ " I walked over to where he sat as he put his glasses on. "This is a Nintendo, you play games with it."

He hummed, taking the console and examining it. "Hmm... Alrighty then. Well! You're gonna need a power strip. I believe I've got one in the basement. Why don't you boys go help in the kitchen and I'll set this up for ya?"

Josh and I nodded excitedly and rushed out of the room, sliding on our socks into the kitchen. Josh's mom was stirring a pot and turned the flame on under a saucepan. "Hey, boys!" She greeted us with a smile.

Josh climbed onto a bar stool, gesturing for me to do the same. "What can we do, Momma?"

"Well, you can call your sister downstairs then we'll go from there." She winked at Josh.

Josh sighed and rolled his eyes, hopping off the bar stool. "I'll be right back." He muttered before stomping out of the kitchen.

"Ashley!" I heard him yell. "Get your butt down here! We're makin' dinner!"

He walked back into the room and climbed back onto his seat. "Now what, Momma?" He asked, resting his chin on the palm of one of his hands.

She stopped stirring and opened a cabinet, pulling out a large bowl and a measuring cup, placing it in front of us. "When your sister--"

"I'm here!" Ashley yelled, out of breath. She shuffled towards us and climbed onto the bar stool, sitting down next to me.

Josh's mom cleared her throat. " _As I was saying_ ," She narrowed her eyes at Ashley and walked to the fridge, taking out a small round tub, two eggs, and two bags of shredded cheese. She sauntered back to where we sat, placed everything on the counter, then measured out the bag of white shredded cheese. She handed the eggs to Ashley, the tub to Josh and the smaller bag of shredded cheese to me.

"Now then," She took a smaller bowl out of the cabinet and a whisk from a drawer. "Ashley, I want you to crack the eggs into this bowl and lightly stir them with the whisk, then you're going to pour the eggs into the bigger bowl." Ashley nodded, grabbing the whisk and beginning to get to work.

"Josh, I want you to scoop all of the cheese in that tub into the big bowl." She handed Josh a large spoon. She turned to me and smiled. "Tyler, all you gotta do is empty that bag of cheese into the same big bowl." I nodded, opening the bag and dumping all of the shredded cheese in the bowl.

 

Once the food was served and we were all seated at the table, Josh's grandma introduced herself. "Tyler, you may call me Granny or ma'am, whichever you prefer. And if you need _anything_ , don't be afraid to speak up." She smiled at me before taking a drink of her sweet tea.

"Yes, ma'am." I nodded and took a bite of lasagna. It was so good.

"Mmm-mm-mmm! This is delicious, Laura! Y'all did a mighty fine job." Josh's grandpa declared, wiping his mouth with a napkin. "Mighty fine, indeed."

"Well, thank you, Dad. I'd say it's pretty good, seeing as Jordan hasn't fallen asleep in it, yet." Josh's mom giggled.

Josh nudged my arm from where he sat beside me. "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's my brother, Jordan. He's a turd."

"Josh!" His mother scolded.

" _Well, he is_." Josh shrugged his shoulders then nodded towards Ashley, who sat across from us. "And you've met Ashley, already."

She glared at him before giving me a forced smile. Josh's mom cleared her throat and Ashley looked back down at her plate. I felt a little awkward, so I just focused on eating. That wasn't gonna happen since Josh's grandpa started asking questions.

"So, Tyler!" He bellowed, making me wince slightly. "Josh told us you play _basketball and football_."

I swallowed my food before answering. "Yes, sir."

"I used to toss 'round the ole pigskin back in my day. Do you enjoy it?" He smiled at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Eh," I shrugged. "I really like basketball but football's okay, I guess."

"Well," He paused to take a sip of the honey hued drink. "I gotta football 'round here somewhere. Maybe you can teach Josh how to throw one? _Lord knows I've tried_." He cackled.

I chuckled nervously, peering out of the corner of my eye to see Josh hang his head down and play with his food.

"Grampa! I think you've had enough 'liquid honey' for today." Josh's grandma stated as she took the glass from him and stood up, walking to the kitchen sink to pour the drink down the drain.

" _Aw, hell_. I ain't botherin' him none!" Josh's grandpa put his elbows on the table, leaning towards us. "Hey boys, there wasn't a plug for your game thingy on the TV in the den, so I grabbed the TV out of mine and Granny's room and hooked everything up in Josh's room." He slurred, winking at us.

Josh and I nodded and thanked him before continuing to eat dinner. Josh nudged me, again, and mouthed 'eat fast'. And so we did, desperate to get out of there and up to his room.


	20. Ennui

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **ennui**
> 
> [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee] 
> 
> n. a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom 

**Ashley's POV**

 

Granny and I were in the kitchen washing dishes when she gasped, tossing the sponge in the sink and rushing to the stereo.

"Ooh, I love this song! 'You Never Can Tell'!" She turned up the volume and danced her way back into the kitchen. "Put that towel down and come dance with me, Pumpkin! I'll teach ya how to do 'the twist'!"

I sat the plate I was drying down on the counter along with the towel and pranced towards my grandma. She grabbed my hands as we slid back and forth on the floor.

" _Chuck Berry!_ The father of rock 'n' roll!" She laughed and let go once I got the hang of it. "There ya go! Now you're gettin' it!"

I giggled and Granny sang along as we danced in the kitchen. "I really like this song, Granny!"

"Well of course ya do! _Everyone_ loves Chuck Berry!" She grinned. "Wiggle them hips!"

I laughed as she grabbed my hand and spun me around, while singing. "Oh, I remember when I could dance to this without my old hips screamin' at me!"

We didn't notice Grampa leaning against the doorway, watching us with a grin on his face.

When the song finished, leaving us red-faced and giggling, Grampa clapped. "Bravo! That was quite a show! You got some moves, kid." He patted me on the back.

"Thanks, Grampa." I breathed out, grinning like crazy.

He shuffled towards the front door, pulling his coat on and picking up a big cardboard box. "Now, I've got a bunch of Christmas lights and too many bare trees outside that need decoratin'. How 'bout you come help me?"

I nodded excitedly and ran to the door, slipping my boots and coat on. Granny tutted, "You're takin' my helper away from me! You old fart." She walked back to the kitchen sink to finish the dishes while I held the door open for Grampa and we headed outside.

 

Grampa sat the box down near the tree closest to the house. "Alrighty." He sighed. "We got tiny white lights, _big colored lights_ , tiny blinking colored lights, and tiny "what your Granny likes to call"  _'warm white'_  ." He rolled his eyes before snickering, "I call 'em yellow." 

I let out a soft chuckle as he mussed up my hair. "Which do you s'pose we start with?"

I hummed, contemplating for a moment. "The 'warm white' ones!"

He clapped his hands together. "Okie dokie, artichokie!" He pulled out an orange cord and handed me the lights. "You start untanglin' these and I'll go plug this here extension cord in." I nodded and began unraveling the tangled lights as he walked away.

I noticed a light turn on in an upstairs window. _Josh's window._  

I huffed, yanking on the lights. "Hey girl, now don't go breakin' the lights." Grampa chuckled and took the lights from me, untangling them with ease. He held one end of the lights and picked up the end of the extension cord, plugging them in. "There we go!"

Granny was right. They aren't yellow. I picked the lights up, admiring the warm white glow they emitted. "Well, don't just stand there starin' at 'em! Get to wrappin', sweetheart!" Grampa chortled.

I smiled, rolling my eyes as I walked around the tree, winding the lights farther up towards the limbs. "I'll take care of the limbs once you get there." Grampa said, working on untangling the other lights. 

A veil of silence fell over us while we worked. Only the sounds of the plastic light bulbs clacking together and a gentle breeze shaking the remaining leaves off the trees. It's getting colder. Soon everything will be covered in snow and we can drink hot chocolate by the fire.

Grampa connected a second extension cord, plugging the big colored lights in before taking over the tree I was working on and handing me the end of the now glowing rainbow of lights. " _So,_ " He cleared his throat, hanging the warm white lights off the tree limbs. "You wanna tell me what you're so upset about?"

I sighed, walking to the big oak tree near the sidewalk. "No!" I yelled out.

He connected another set of warm white lights to the ones on the tree by the house before stringing them to another tree beside it, starting at the top this time. "Would it just so happen to be about Josh's new friend?" He called over to me.

"Possibly." I muttered under my breath.

" _Plausibly?_ " Grampa grinned, the lights illuminating his face.

I smirked, shaking my head. "Shup, Grampa."

He finished wrapping the tree and picked up the blinking colored lights. "Ashley," He sighed, walking towards me and laying the lights on the ground. "Your brother is going to have many friends in and out of his life."

I scoffed and turned away. He placed his hands on my shoulders, turning me back around to face him and lifted my chin up. "But, you will _always_ be his sister. You two are like peanut butter and jelly! Milk and cookies! Macaroni and cheese! A nice glass of whiskey and a pipe full of fresh tobacco! A--"

" _Okay!_ Okay, Grampa. I get it." I laughed.

He mussed up my hair and let out a sigh, smiling. "Okay."

I handed him the end of the big colored lights and he began wrapping and hanging them on the limbs of the oak tree.

 

When we finished hanging the Christmas lights and went back inside, Grampa took the cardboard box down to the basement and I walked into the den. Granny was sitting in her recliner, watching Law & Order. 

"Hi, Granny." I sat down on the ottoman next to the love seat, wondering where everyone was.

"Hi, Pumpkin." She muttered, not taking her eyes off the television.

"Where is everybody? I thought we were gonna play Uno?" I asked, trying to pry her eyes from her favorite show.

She let out a sigh and grabbed her pearl cigarette case, taking one out and lighting it. She took a long drag and turned her head towards me. "Your Momma isn't feeling well, honey." Smoke puffed from her mouth as she spoke. "I put Jordan to bed about an hour ago and Josh and Tyler are upstairs."

"Oh." A sudden wave of exhaustion washed over me as she gave me a tight-lipped smile and turned her attention back to the TV.

I rubbed my feet against the shag carpet, listening to the opening scene of another episode of Law & Order come on. "Well, I guess I'm gonna go to bed."

"Okay, Pumpkin."

I walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight, Granny. I love you."

She placed her cigarette in the ashtray then grabbed my shoulders, pulling me in for a hug and kissing my cheek. "I love you the most, Pumpkin. Sweet dreams."

I smiled and made my way upstairs.

 

While passing Josh's room to go to my mother's to check on her and tell her goodnight, I heard laughter and stopped outside his door. I wonder if Tyler is staying the night...

Considering he'll probably be around more often, I took a deep breath and held my head high as I knocked on his door.

"Come in!" He called out.

I opened his door, the rusted hinges creaking. They were sitting on the floor, eating Oreo's. The grin on his face fell when he saw me. "Oh. Hi, Ashley."

"Hi guys. I just wanted to say goodnight." I gave them a genuine smile and went to close the door, but Josh's voice stopped me.

"Wait!" I looked towards my brother, eyebrows raised in curiosity. "Why are you goin' to bed so early?" He glanced at his alarm clock. "It's only 8 o'clock."

"I don't have anything else to do." I shrugged. "Plus, I'm kind of tired anyways. I helped Granny with the dishes, then we danced... and I helped Grampa hang the Christmas lights outside."

"Oh." Josh bit his lip, looking down at the floor.

Tyler spoke up. "Hey, do you want an Oreo?"

I grinned, my eyes widening. "Really?"

Tyler nodded, grabbing as many Oreo's he could hold in his hand out of the package and held them out to me. "We've got lots of stuff. Plus, Oreo's before bed just seem to make everything better." He smiled.

I took the Oreo's and bit into one, Tyler and Josh doing the same. "Thanks, Tyler." I smiled.

"No biggie." He shrugged.

I walked towards the door and gave them a slight wave. "Goodnight, Sissy." Josh said, grinning.

"Goodnight, Bubby. See you in the morning." I grasped the doorknob, walking out of his room. "Goodnight, Tyler."

"G'night, Ashley!" Tyler and Josh's smiling faces was the last thing I saw before I shut his door and walked to my room, deciding I could read myself to sleep tonight.


	21. Spit is super important!

****

**Tyler's POV**

 

"See? Ashley doesn't hate me." I smiled at Josh, nudging him with my free hand that wasn't holding an Oreo. A smile slowly formed on his face as he ducked his head, a faint blush spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

"I never said she hated you! She--"

"Ah! Yes, yes you did!" I interjected, pointing a finger at him. "You said that she called me a mouth-breather _and_ that she was mad that I'm your friend. _Meaning_ she hates me." I took a bite out of my Oreo, a smug look on my face.

Josh sighed. "Okay, okay." He reached into my backpack and pulled out a Capri Sun. "So, she doesn't hate you... but that's a good thing. Now we can hang out all the time." He looked back to me with a smile stretched up to his crinkly eyes.

I snorted. "Dude, we're hanging out all the time even if she _does_ hate me." I grabbed myself a Capri Sun, peeling the straw off the back and opening it to impale the straw into the tasty drink.

Josh burst into giggles, his drink coming out of his nose. "Aw, man! What a waste of juicy deliciousness."

I chuckled, shaking my head in amusement as I sipped on my drink.

As we sipped on our drinks, until we had went through at least three of them in four minutes, a comfortable silence washed over us. I wiggled my sock covered feet and looked around his room, admiring his collection of comic books, toys, and the glowing stars on his bedroom ceiling. He even placed stars on the ends of the ceiling fan blades. 

I noticed the wall his bed was pushed against had a galaxy painted on it. Colors of blue, purple, yellow, green, orange, and pink fading into black swirled across the wall. Tiny white dots scattered through the painting.

"That's pretty cool." I pointed to the wall, pulling Josh from his daze of staring off into space.

"Oh, yeah." He tossed his empty drink in the trashcan, his mood shifting into excitement immediately. "It's my favorite thing about my room. My Aunt Teresa painted it. She even used glow in the dark paint for the tiny stars! I love space. Like, _a lot_." I smiled at the happiness in his eyes.

He turned back to me and began bouncing his legs, drumming on his knees. "When I come home from school, after I do my homework of course," he rolled his eyes causing me to giggle, "I lay in bed and stare at it for hours until I fall asleep. I wanna to go to space camp, but I don't think my mom will ever let me go."

I furrowed my brows, confused. "Why not? Is it expensive?"

His shoulders slumped and he sighed out, "Momma said we can't afford it right now. Plus it's all the way in Alabama."

I chewed on my bottom lip. The way Josh's face changed from pure excitement to complete sadness made my heart hurt. The number one thing Josh loves he can't enjoy any of it. I love basketball and I do that every stinkin' day, even if I don't feel like it.

I surged forward and hugged him. "You'll go to space camp one day, Jish. I know it." He was still for a moment before hesitantly wrapping his arms around me, then hugging back just as tightly.

He sniffled. "You're a really good friend, Ty."

I pulled away, holding onto his shoulders with a smile on my face. "You're a good friend too, Jishwa. And I think it's really cool that you like space s'much."

His cheeks tinted a soft pink as he looked down at his hands before looking back up to me and giving me a tight lipped smile. I noticed the faint freckles scattered across his cheeks, reminding me of the stars and galaxies Josh loves so much.

 

His quiet voice pulled me out of my daze. "W-When do y-you have to g-go home?"

My face twisted in confusion. "Whaddya mean, Jish? I'm sleeping over. _Remember_?"

He looked at me wide eyed, a shocked expression on his face before the corners of his lips tugged into a small smile. "R-Really? B-But I thought-- My mom never said anythin' about it."

I removed my hands from his shoulders and threw my arms up into the air, a huge grin on my face. "Well, surprise!"

He chuckled nervously, not meeting my eyes. I slowly lowered my arms, feeling a bit embarrassed and curious about why he wasn't as excited as I was. "Unless, you want me to go home?"

He shot up at that. "No! No, no! I just--" he sighed, placing his head in his hands, "I've never had anyone sleep over before. Heck, I've never even had a real friend before, besides Ashley."

I knitted my eyebrows together in determination. "Josh, I _am_ your real friend. Heck, we can be best friends if ya want."

He peeked through his fingers. "Really?"

I nodded. "And there's no reason to feel embarrassed about not having a sleepover or a real friend before. That just means we gotta make this sleepover the best one in history! Well... until we have other sleepovers. I'm sure they'll just get better every time." I grinned.

He raised his head, biting his bottom lip, an eyebrow raised. "Best friends?"

I spit on my palm and stuck my hand out for him to shake. "Best friends."

He scrunched up his nose, looking at my hand in confusion. "Why did ya spit on your hand, Ty?"

I looked at him, dumbfounded. "Spit is _super_ important! A spit swear means you never break your word. It's a bond."

"L-Like a promise?"

"Yeah!" I smiled.

He bit his lip, mouth forming a smile. "Okay." He nodded and spat in his hand then grabbed mine, shaking it. "Best friends."

I couldn't help the huge grin that spread across my face. "Best friends."

Our hands still locked, I asked, "Do you know what this means now?"

He shook his head slightly.

"A best friend _never_ breaks a promise. They're someone that you'd do _anything_ for. You tell each other things. Things that parents don't know." I raised my eyebrows, making sure he understood.

He smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "Got it!"

We shook one more time and broke away, wiping our hands off on our pants. I giggled at Josh's disgusted expression. I grabbed my backpack and pulled out my pajamas.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom and change into my pajamas. Then we can play Mario Kart!" I stood and slid on my socks across the hardwood floor of his bedroom to his door.

"Okay, I'll change into mine, too."

Before I walked out of his room, he called out, "Hey, wait!" I turned around sharply. "How do I turn the Nintendo on?"

I shrugged. "Oh, it's easy. Just change the TV channel to three and push that switch up. The one that says 'power' and the controllers are in my bag, just unravel the cords and plug 'em in."

He nodded, smiling. "Okay."

I gave him a quick nod and walked out into the hallway before realization hit me. I rushed back to his door, just sticking my head in. "I call the red controller! I'll let you be first player, since it's your house 'n all." I grinned cheekily.

He scoffed, shaking his head. "Whatever, dude."

I smiled to myself as I skipped to the bathroom.

I'm really glad Josh is my first best friend.


	22. Promise?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger warnings: panic attack and hallucinations.**

**Josh's POV**

 

Twelve Capri Suns, two packages of Oreo's, one bag of Cheetos and eight rounds of Mario Kart later, Tyler and I decided to call it a night. We were currently brushing our teeth in the bathroom.

"I can't believe you won 5 rounds in a row." Tyler mumbled, spraying toothpaste on the mirror.

"I told ya I was good." I mumbled before spitting in the sink, rinsing my toothbrush while giving Tyler a smirk.

He rolled his eyes. "Oh please, I let you win the first two rounds." He shook his head and spat in the sink, then rinsed his toothbrush.

I placed my toothbrush back in it's holder and grabbed the mouthwash. " _Yeah, right!_ You totally cheated on Rainbow Road!" I gargled then handed the mouthwash to Tyler.

"Pfft! Did not!" He opened the bottle and poured it in his mouth. "Jus' cause I know the secret," he said through his gargles then spat in the sink before wiping his mouth with his sleeve, "doesn't mean I cheated."

"There's a secret?!" I asked, wide eyed.

He smirked, nodding then rinsed out the sink and put the mouthwash back on the counter. "Yep. I'll tell you someday, my friend." He patted me on the back and sighed. "Someday."

I rolled my eyes and followed him back into my bedroom, after turning out the light in the bathroom. I shut my door and walked towards the center of my room where Tyler was standing, looking around in confusion.

I gave a breathy laugh. "Whatcha ya doin', Ty?"

"Uh.. where do I sleep?" He turned around and gave me a wary look.

"Oh." Crap. I didn't think of that. I scratched the back of my neck, furrowing my brows in concentration.

"I can just sleep in your bed with you, if that's okay?" Tyler spoke up.

"A-Are you s-sure?" I gulped. "I- I mean, it's cool with me as long as you're fine with it."

He smacked my arm lightly, a playful smile on his face. "C'mon, we're best friends, dude."

I let out a nervous chuckle and nodded. "Yeah, okay."

Tyler jumped onto my bed, settling himself in the blankets. "Do you have a side you like the best? Or a pillow?"

I tugged at my hair nervously. "Uh- Yeah, I like to sleep by the wall. And my pillow has Yoda on it."

"Then get in, silly goose!" He giggled, scooting over to the other side and holding the blanket up for me to crawl under.

I turned my beside lamp on and shuffled to my closet, dragging a step-stool out and placing it directly under the ceiling fan. Tyler watched me in confusion. I yanked on the longer chain, turning off the light and stepped down from the step-stool, before putting it back in my closet. I turned back to Tyler, his head tilted to the side like a cute puppy.

I giggled. "It's for the stars on the fan blades, _silly goose_." I pointed upwards and he nodded in understanding.

I made my way to the bed and crawled over Tyler's legs, him giggling at the act. We settled under the covers, the blanket pulled up to our chins with our arms crossed over our chests above it. I closed my eyes and sighed in contentment.

"Hey, Josh?" Tyler whispered.

"Hmm?"

"What's a yoda?"

My eyes shot open and my body surged into an upright position. "You don't know who Yoda is?!"

His eyes grew wide and he slowly shook his head.

I scoffed and grabbed my pillow, flipping it over so he could see the side Yoda was on. "He's a _legendary_ Jedi Master! He has the strongest connection with the Force!"

"W-What's the Force? And what's a Jedi?" He asked.

I smacked my face with the pillow, earning a giggle from Tyler. "Okay, get comfortable. I'm about to change your life." I laid my pillow back down and settled next to Tyler. We rolled on our sides, facing each other.

 

That night I explained everything I could about Star Wars to Tyler. I grinned every time his eyes filled with wonder or he let out a gasp, his eyes lighting up in excitement. He declared we watch every Star Wars movie I own when he comes over again. I agreed, a warm feeling spreading in my chest. This is the first time someone didn't make fun of me and call me a 'loser' or a 'nerd'.

I was happy.

Tyler was drifting off to sleep just as I looked at my alarm clock. 2 AM. Wow. The last time I glanced at the time it was close to 12 AM. I needed to turn off my beside lamp but I didn't want to wake Tyler by leaning over him. I have to sleep with all the lights off or all of them on. Or...

I snapped my head to the corner of my room, where my dresser sat, and let out a weary sigh. Mustering up the small amount of courage I had, I laid down and pulled the covers over my head, turning over so I was facing the wall. I can do this. It's just a stupid light.

 

****trigger warning****

 

I don't know how long I stared at that dumb wall. It felt like days... years, even. Then, I heard it.

The whispering. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled the cover farther over my head, tucking my knees against my chest. I concentrated on keeping my breathing slow. I could hear the soft snores of Tyler... and _him_. He's there, I know he is. He's standing in the corner. I can hear his ragged breathing and harsh whispers.

The floor creaked. My eyes shot open.

No, no, no. He's going to get me.

The whispering grew louder, my breath quickening. The floor creaked again. I tried to make my breathing as shallow as possible, stilling my body. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. He's so close. He's right behind me, I know it. He's by my bed. I chewed on my bottom lip, a metallic taste coating my taste buds.

 _Oh, no._ What about Tyler?! What if he grabs him instead?! I can't let that happen. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I carefully rolled onto my back, trying not to wake Tyler. The whispers are louder than ever now.

C'mon, Josh. It's now or never. Just do it.

I slid the blanket down my face in a quick motion, ready to face my fear. What I saw, I wasn't prepared for. I tried to scream but no sound would come out. I tried to move but I felt like I was sewed down to the bed.

He's moving closer. I can see his red eyes now. His long skeletal arms rose from the black shadow that he is,creaking like bare branches scraping together. He reached out for me, his whispering growing louder and faster. I tried to shut my eyes but it's like he had them pried open.

Suddenly, I started shaking back and forth, from side to side.

"Josh!"

Tyler?

I couldn't take my eyes off the shadow. He was backing away, towards the corner again.

"Josh! What's wrong?!" Tyler came into view.

"H-- H-He's h-h-here." I whimpered.

"Who? Who's here?! Josh, look at me!" Tyler shook my shoulders.

I couldn't focus on him. Only on the shadow still lurking near the corner of my room.

 

****end of trigger warning****

 

I felt the bed move, then the sound of my closet opening and closing. Something thumped onto the floor. Then the lights came on.

Tyler was standing under the ceiling fan, on the step-stool, with his hands out, his eyebrows raised. "No one's here, Josh."

I gulped. "But-- b-but he was r-right th-there." I pointed to the dresser.

Tyler stepped down and walked to the dresser, holding his arms out and moving them around. "There's no one there, Josh. See?"

I chewed on the inside of my cheeks, my bottom lip quivering. _Don't cry._

Tyler was still standing there, the wave of confusion on his face washed into realization. He put his arms back to his sides and padded his way to the bed. He sat down next to my legs, facing me, with his hands in his lap. He chewed on his bottom lip before asking, "Was it the- the thing you drew in class?"

I nodded quickly. The tears that welled up in my eyes finally spilling. I couldn't stop the sob that escaped my mouth.

Tyler laid back down next to me, rolling on his side so he was facing me. "It's not real, Josh. It can't hurt you."

"B-But he-- h-he was r-reach-ing for m-me." I blubbered.

"He?" Tyler raised one eyebrow. "Why do you think it's a he?"

I shook my head. "I-I dunno. I just d-do."

Tyler scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my waist. "I-Is this okay?" He looked up at me, his chocolate brown eyes were watery.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes, nodding. "Y-Yeah."

He squeezed me tighter and placed his head on my chest. "I won't let him get you, Jishwa. _Nothing_ will get you. You're _safe_."

I bit my lip, preventing a sob from escaping, and wrapped an arm around Tyler. "Promise?"

"I promise." He then spit on his palm and held out his hand for me to shake.

I let out a breathy giggle and spit on my palm then shook his hand.

Tyler snuggled back into my side, his arm across my stomach and his head on my chest. "It'll be okay, Jish. I understand."

I discretely wiped my hand off on the blanket and wrapped my arm back around him. "Ty?"

"Yeah, Jish?"

"Can w-we sleep with t-the light on?" I stuttered.

I could feel his smile against my chest. "We can sleep with the light on every time I sleep over, Jishwa. Now, try to go back to sleep, 'kay?"

I smiled and nuzzled my nose in his fluffy hair. He smelled like honey and daisies. "Okay, Ty."

 

I fell asleep in Tyler's arms. We slept until my mom knocked on the door, telling Tyler his mom was here to pick him up for church. He gave me the longest hug before he walked out of my front door. 

He didn't judge me last night. He didn't make fun of me or tell me to suck it up or call me a 'cry baby'. He said he understood... and that it'll be okay. 

That was the first time I believed those words. Tyler is the best friend I could ever ask for.


	23. Mending

****

**Ashley's POV**

 

_November 16th, 1997 _

 

"Pumpkin?"

I groaned and rolled over onto my side, ignoring my grandma.

She lightly shook me. "C'mon sleeping beauty, it's time to get up."

"No." I murmured, my voice muffled by my pillow. "I don't feel good."

She sighed and I felt her sit down next to me on my bed. She started singing.

"Wake up, little Susie, wake up! Wake up, little Susie, Wake up!" She started dancing in her seat.

I let out a quiet giggle as she continued.

"We've both been sound asleep! Wake up little Susie and weep! The movie's over, it's four o'clock! And we're in trouble deep!"

I couldn't stop the grin from forming on my face. She grabbed my arm and started strumming it as if it was a guitar. "Wake up, little Susie! Wake up, little Susie!"

I chuckled, wiggling my toes under my covers.

"Well, what are we gonna tell your Mama? What are we gonna tell your Pa? What are we gonna tell our friends, when they say, "Ooh la la!""

I turned over, smiling from ear to ear, meeting her happy face. "Wake up, little Susie! Wake up, little Susie!" 

"Well, I told your Mama that you'd be in by ten. Well, Susie baby, looks like we goofed again! Wake up, little Susie! Wake up, little Susie!" She lowered her voice, causing me to giggle loudly. "We gotta go home."

I began singing with her. "Wake up, little Susie, wake up! Wake up, little Susie, wake up!"

I sat up and hugged her tightly. She chuckled, hugging back just as tight. "Good mornin', Sunshine!"

I sat back and wiped the sleep out of my eyes. "Mornin', Granny."

She smiled and patted my leg. "Now, whaddya mean you don't feel good?"

I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed Luna. "I feel icky and--" I coughed.

Granny pursed her lips and placed the back of her hand on my forehead. "I knew you goin' outside with Grampa last night was a bad idea."

I sighed as she shook her head, removing her hand and standing up. "I'll be right back with a warm washcloth and Granny's magic drink."

 

I groaned and flopped back on my bed as she shuffled out of my room, muttering to herself. Before I could complain to myself about having to drink that nasty concoction, I coughed so hard my chest hurt. I guess, it wouldn't be so bad to drink it. It _did_ help last time.

I sat up again and looked at my alarm clock. It was almost 10 o'clock. Why did she wait to wake me up until now? We're supposed to go pick out a cat today... Wouldn't Momma be the one to wake me up?

I grabbed Luna and stared at her. "What's going on Luna?"

_"Something's wrong. Something with your Momma."_

"No there isn't. You're lying."

_"She's sick."_

"No! Stop lying!"

_"They're hiding something from you. And you know it."_

"No. They wouldn't do that."

_"Wouldn't they? No one likes you. You ruin everything."_

"Stop it! Stop lying! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

Sobbing, I yanked one of Luna's ears, slamming her on my bed. I grabbed her feet and pulled on her ears, listening to the threads ripping. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

"Ashley?"

I snapped my head up to see my grandma standing in my doorway. I threw Luna on the floor and wiped my eyes, sniffling. "H-hi, Granny."

Granny slowly walked into my room and stood by my bed. "C'mon, let's go in my room. We'll wipe those crusty boogers out of your eyes and you can drink this up and we'll talk while I fix Luna up."

I slipped out of bed and followed Granny to her bedroom, after picking up the pieces of Luna.

 

"Now, then." Granny took what was left of Luna from me and handed me the steaming mug. " _Careful_ , it's hot."

She took the warm washcloth and wiped my eyes, then sat down at her sewing table and opened a drawer, pulling out some cotton stuffing. "Go ahead and take your spot on the window ledge, drink up, and tell me _all_ about it, Pumpkin."

I trudged to the window, placing my mug on the window ledge before hopping up on it. I grabbed my drink and pulled my knees to my chest, letting out a sigh as I peered out the foggy window. Should I tell her? What if she gets mad at me? She probably heard me anyways...

I took a sip from my mug and sighed. "Is there somethin' wrong with Momma?"

Granny turned her head to me, one corner of her mouth upturned. "What makes you think that?"

"Well... you woke me up late. A-and we were s'posed to go get the kitty today..." I took a big gulp and sat the mug down near my feet.

Granny nodded and continued sewing. "Your mother isn't doin' too good today. She feels icky, like you.. but... worse."

"How much worse?"

"Her belly hurts, Pumpkin. And she can't eat anything. She has a doctor appointment on Tuesday. We'll see what's goin' on." Granny turned in her seat and took her glasses off. "So don't you go worryin' about your Momma. She'll be just fine."

I chewed on my bottom lip and hung my head. "B-but what if she's not gonna be fine? What if it's something serious? Is Momma gonna die?" I hugged my knees, sniffling.

Granny turned back around, replacing her glasses on her nose and continued sewing up Luna. "Don't you go thinkin' like that. You hear me? You need to be strong. Your Momma is a strong lady. Whatever it is, she'll kick it right in the ass."

I chuckled halfheartedly at my grandma's language. "Okay, Granny. I'll be strong."

"You already are, Pumpkin." She turned her head slightly, smiling at me. "Now drink _every bit_ of that and when I finish with ole Luna here, we'll go get the kitty cat."

My eyes widened as I grabbed the mug. "We're still going?! B-but I thought you said Momma--"

"Excuse me, Missy! But I am _perfectly_ capable of taking ya'll to get a cat. 'Sides, I love kitty cats." Granny giggled to herself as she finished sewing Luna's ear back on. "Now drink up, kiddo!"

I gulped down the last bit of Granny's 'magic drink' and jumped off the window ledge. "I'm gonna go wash up and get dressed."

Granny stopped sewing and turned around to face me, Luna in hand. "Whaddya think?"

"Good as new." I smiled.

She smooched my cheek, handed me Luna and patted me on the bum. "Go on, now. Don't forget to brush your teeth."

"I won't!" I called out as I rushed out of her room.

"And dress warm! It's colder than a witch's tit out there!" She yelled back to me as I ran into the bathroom, giggling.

 

Against Luna's protests, and the feeling of dread in my gut, I decided not to take her with me. I dashed down the stairs, tugging the hand knitted sweater Granny gave me last Christmas over my head. I made sure to dress warm. My thermal pants under my jeans, thick socks pulled over the hem of them, a long sleeve shirt under the sweater, and my snow hat snug on my head.

I slid on the floor to the front door, pulling on my boots and winter coat. Josh appeared from the living room, grabbing his coat, his shoes already on. "It's about time you got around, sleepyhead." He smirked.

"Oh, shup." I smiled at him.

He slipped his grey beanie on as I tugged my orange, grey, and green gloves on. Another hand knitted Christmas present from Granny.

"Where's your gloves, Joshua?" Granny asked, as she put her hat, gloves, and coat on.

"Uhh..." 

Granny pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes at him. "Go get 'em. The animal shelter closes at four!" She shooed him out of the room and upstairs.

She patted at her coat pocket, making sure she had her keys, then grabbed her purse. She smiled fondly at me, looking at my sweater. "As adorable and fitting your kitty cat sweater is, you better zip up that coat before ole Jack Frost nips your nose right off!"

I giggled, zipping up my coat. Josh ran back downstairs, hands clad with his own hand knitted gloves.

"Is Jordan not comin' with us?" He asked, buttoning his coat.

Grampa's voice startled us as he walked in from the living room. "Nope! The boy is spendin' time with his Grampa."

Granny rolled her eyes. "Not to mention, we'd end up comin' home with more than one cat."

Grampa chuckled, ruffling Jordan's hair. "Ain't nothin' wrong with that."

Granny narrowed her eyes at Grampa, a displeased smirk on her face. "C'mon, kiddos. We'll stop by McDonald's on the way." She turned to the door, opening it and ushering us to go before her.

On our way out the front door and to Granny's car, we could hear Grampa call out, "Well now! That's _entirely_ unfair! You best bring me back somethin'!"

The three of us snickered as we climbed into the car, buckling our seat belts before driving away.


	24. Between 25 and 150 Hertz

_Cats purr during both inhalation and exhalation with a consistent pattern and frequency between 25 and 150 Hertz._  
_Various investigators have shown that sound frequencies in this range can improve bone density and promote healing._ **  
**

****

**Josh's POV**

"So, mind tellin' me why we're _eating in the van_.. in the _parking lot_.. instead of _inside_ McDonald's?" Granny asked before taking a bite of her cheeseburger.

I shrugged, munching on my french fries.

"He doesn't like to be in public." Ashley spoke up from the backseat. "Or.. be around people in general."

I focused on eating instead of my grandmother's eyes boring holes into my head. I wasn't ready to explain why... I don't even know exactly why... Damn it, Ashley.

"Okay." She nodded.

"Okay?" I mumbled with my mouth full of fries.

Granny ate the last bite of her cheeseburger, then took a big gulp from her Coke before winking at me, a smile on her face. "Yep."

"Grampa's like that too, isn't he?" Ashley asked.

Granny buckled her seat belt and started the van, then tuning the radio. "No movie theaters, grocery stores, parades, _definitely_ no malls, and on the rare occasion if we go out to eat he has to sit in the very back so no one is behind him."

Ashley and I fell silent while Granny continued turning the radio knobs until she found the station she was searching for.

"Ah ha! There we go!" She turned her head to look back at Ashley then at me. "Can you kids eat on the way to the animal shelter?"

"Yep." I muttered as Ashley nodded.

"Okie dokie!" Granny turned the radio volume up and backed out of the parking lot, rather quickly. Luckily, Ashley and I never unbuckled our seat belts.

 

Granny tapped her fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of "Roll Over Beethoven" by Chuck Berry, bobbing her head along as she sang. I fondly watched her and Ashley sing as I sipped on the last of my chocolate milkshake. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if it were just us three, but then I couldn't imagine life without the rest of my family.

My oddball of a grandpa with his kooky antics and endless knowledge. My loving mother, who is the strongest person I know. Jordan who mimics _everyone_ and can get a bit aggravating yet he's the most lovable goofball. And Abigail.. I haven't had the chance to really spend time with my baby sister. Heck, I've barely even _seen_ her since she was born! I bet she's really sweet and cute though, even though she probably drools.

I don't know how to explain this feeling brewing in my chest. Something is going to happen, a drastic change.. and I'm _not_ talking about getting a cat. I hope it's something good. Please, please, please let it be good.

 

We parked near the entrance of the animal shelter and the three of us got out of the van, excitement and cheek splitting grins on our faces.

"Ready?!" Granny clapped her hands together.

"Absolutely!" Ashley cheered, grabbing Granny's hand as I gave an enthusiastic nod.

I opened the door for my grandmother and sister, giving them a grand gesture to enter.

"Why thank you, kind sir!" Granny giggled. Ashley rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile from forming on her face.

The three of us walked up to the front desk, greeted by an older woman with coffee colored skin, short white hair and cat eye glasses. "How may I help you today?" She smiled.

"We're interested in taking home a kitty today." Granny leaned on the counter, her elbow propping her up.

"Well, you've come to the right place!" The lady giggled, grabbing a slip of paper and a pen. "Just sign your name on this sheet and I'll take you back to meet the kitties."

Granny nodded, smiling. She signed her name then handed the paper and pen back to the kind woman.

"Alrighty!" The woman stood from her chair and walked around the front desk extending her hand out to my grandmother. "My name is Loretta. If you'll follow me, we can go meet your new family member!"

Granny shook her hand, grinning, before ushering us to follow Loretta.

We walked past the front entrance and were met with two huge double doors. Loretta held one open for us to walk through and we were then met with a long hallway. We followed her all the way to the end, passing several doors until she took the lanyard off of her neck and used a key to unlock a door labeled 'Felines'.

The room we entered was... overwhelming if I'm being honest. There must have been at least fifty cats in here. The walls were lined with cages, one stacked on top of the other around the entire room. Hisses, meows, and mewls were echoing throughout the room, bouncing off the walls and repeating in my ears. It felt like I walked into kitty prison.

"So, any particular breed you're looking for? Age? Elders, adults, young adults, kittens.. we've got 'em all." Loretta's voice was _barely_ heard over the noise of the cats.

Ashley ran to a corner of the room, cooing at a fluffy white kitten.

Granny sighed, placing her hands on her hips. "Well, it looks like _someone_ has found one already."

Ashley looked back to Granny. "It's so adorable!" She then timidly met eyes with Loretta. "Can I- I hold it?"

"Of course!" Loretta smiled a pearly grin, walking towards the cage and unlocking it. She didn't even have to lift the kitten out of the cage, it just hopped down from the top row. Loretta chuckled, "She's a feisty one."

Ashley gasped, "It's a girl?! Oh my goodness!" She sat down on the floor next to the kitten, it immediately climbed onto her lap, purring and demanding attention. Ashley looked like she was in heaven.

"Now, she has been declawed. We did _not_ do that here. She was like that when we found her with her mother." Loretta informed.

Granny perked up at that. "Mother? Where? Is she still here in this facility?"

Loretta chuckled before walking back to the same corner and opening the cage that was under the fluffy white kitten's. A white long haired cat sat elegantly in her cage. Her blue eyes sparkling under the fluorescent lights.

Granny kneeled down, despite her bad knees and hips, in awe at the beautiful cat. "Aren't you just gorgeous? Oh my..."

"She can't stand being separated from her kitten. They're both declawed and they're both purebred Turkish Angora's. Most likely abandoned when their owner died, considering we found them roaming the streets of an upper class neighborhood." Loretta said in a saddened tone. She crouched down and gently removed the cat from her cage, handing her to my grandmother after she stood back up.

Granny noticed that the cat began to panic and she walked to where Ashley sat with the kitten. The mother cat calmed instantly, settling into my grandmother's arms and nuzzling her head in the crook of her neck, purring loudly. "Aww, what a precious baby." Granny cooed, petting the cat. "Josh, go ahead and take a look around!"

I gulped nervously and began to shuffle around the room, looking in every cage. Many of them were hissing, causing anxiety to shoot through my body. I exhaled a shaky breath and continued searching for a cat that wasn't angry or trying to bite its way out of their cage. There were more adult and young adult cats than kittens. I guess everyone wants a kitten? I just want a cat that isn't going to attack me.

As I strolled along the rows of ferocious felines, I noticed two kittens in one cage together below an older cat lounging in it's own cage. As the older orange cat snoozed, the two kittens were roughhousing with each other. One was grey and the other was _really_ fluffy and orange. I sat down on the floor, watching them in amusement when an idea burst in my mind; if we could get the two white cats and these three.. we would have _the Aristocats_!

Granny will _never_ go for it though and Momma will absolutely have a fit. I don't think I have the courage to ask her anyways... I began chewing on my bottom lip, fidgeting with my hands. We were only here to get _one_ cat. Why did Granny tell me to go look for one if I can't pick one out?

I was so lost in my head I hadn't noticed Loretta kneeling down next to me. " _Wow_. That little grey one never comes near _anyone_. He usually keeps to himself unless he's playing with the fluffy orange kitten."

"A-are t-they b-b-both m-males?" I stuttered, cursing myself in my head.

"Yep!" She gave me a small smile before opening their cage. "We found them roughing each other up and they've been inseparable ever since we brought them here. Hence the shared cage." Loretta winked at me and placed both kittens in my lap.

The grey kitten curled up in my lap, purring softly while kneading my stomach. The orange fluffy kitten started climbing up my coat, eventually nestling himself on my shoulder. I giggled as his whiskers tickled my neck and his tiny claws poked through my coat, causing me to wince.

"Sorry, I should've warned ya that they still have their claws." Loretta snickered.

"I don't mind." I beamed as I watched the tiny grey kitten pawing at my tummy.

Just as Granny and Ashley walked over to see what was going on, the older orange cat stretched in it's cage.

"Well, would ya look at that... We've got _the Aristocats_ in our presence!" Granny awed.

Ashley sat down beside me, the white kitten climbing off her lap to curl up to the grey kitten on mine. "It _is_ them, Granny! Can we get them? _Please, oh please?_ "

Granny looked down at the white cat in her arms, humming quietly before asking, "Are all three of 'em males?"

Loretta nodded, smiling. "Yep. Ole buddy up there is as laid-back and friendly as can be. He's also neutered." She pointed to the older orange cat that was rubbing his face against the cage.

Granny tapped her foot against the tile floor. Her lips pursed and eyebrows knitted together in thought. Ashley and I looked up at her with big hopeful eyes.

"You know... you're mother is gonna _kill me_ for this, right?" Granny sighed.

Ashley jumped up. " _Really?!_ We can have _all_ of them?"

Granny scoffed. "Well, it _is_ my house. I expect you all to help take care of them." She pointed a finger at us, eyebrows raised. "There won't be any nonsense. If you want a cat, you have to take care of it. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Ashley and I echoed.

Loretta clapped her hands together and stood up, a grin etched on her face. "Well then! Let's get y'all on your way!"

 

We drove away from the animal shelter with _five cats_ when we were supposed to bring only _one_ home. Despite the bubbling excitement filling the car, a small feeling of dread lingered in the air.

Here goes nothin'.


	25. The Mission

**<https://youtu.be/HVOTVjypTsU> **

  **Listen to ^ that song while reading the first part of this chapter.**

****

**Josh's POV**

When we parked in the driveway the three of us let out a collective sigh. Granny cleared her throat before speaking. "Okay... First, we're going to bring the cats inside but leave them in their carriers, for now. Then, we'll go back to the car and bring in the extra stuff we bought for them."

Ashley and I nodded, ready for whatever challenge we may face.

Granny exhaled a deep sigh. "Alright. I'll get the older cats. Ashley, take in your kitten. Josh, bring in your two rascals."

We hopped out of the van; Granny and I going to the hatchback trunk to grab the carriers while Ashley picked up the carrier that was sitting next to her in the backseat. We trudged up the front steps, kitties in tow.

"Wait." I turned to Granny. "How are we going to open the door when our hands are full?"

Granny squeezed her eyes shut, cursing under her breath. "Ashley, set your cat down and reach into my left coat pocket. My keys should be in there."

Ashley did as she was told and managed to unlock the door. She opened it as quietly as possible then placed Granny's keys back in her coat pocket and picked the cat carrier back up.

Granny gave a short nod and led the way into the house. We stopped in the entryway, gently placing the cat carriers on the floor. For once in my life, I love that old stained rug. We were as quiet as a mouse. No one seemed to be around so we bounded out the front door, racing to the back of the van. Ashley and I grabbed as much as we could hold in our arms then Granny grabbed the rest and shut the trunk as silently as possible.

Once we made it back inside the house, we softly laid the items for our new feline friends on the rug. Granny gently closed the front door and began taking off her shoes and coat. "No shoes means no squeaking. No coat means no rustling." Granny whispered, giving us a wink.

Ashley and I nodded in understanding and followed suit. Just as I was removing my gloves, I caught a whiff of pipe tobacco. "Grampa's in the den." I whispered.

"How do you know?" Ashley harshly whispered.

"He's smoking his pipe! Can't you smell it? He only smokes in the den." I whispered back just as harshly.

"Would you two be quiet and stop whispering to each other like a couple of buffoons?" Granny hushed. "Let's take the cats into the den. I doubt your mother is awake and Jordan won't be a problem. Plus, Grampa won't give a damn."

Ashley and I nodded, picking the carriers up again and following Granny into the den.

 

I was right.

Grampa was relaxing in his recliner, puffing on his pipe and watching Jeopardy. His usual short glass that is normally filled with 'liquid honey' was empty. Let's hope he's not as boisterous as usual when he drinks.

Granny, Ashley and I formed a line in front of the television then placed the cat carriers on the shag carpet. Grampa's eyes went wide and he immediately tamped out his pipe, setting it aside on the table next to his chair. "Wha--"

Granny placed a finger to her lips, shushing him, her eyebrows furrowed. She walked to the entrance of the den and pulled the sliding door shut before shuffling closer to Grampa then leaning down to whisper in his ear.

"Where is everyone?" She whispered as she turned the volume of the television down.

"Uh- I, uh-- Jordan's down for- for his nap and Laura is upstairs with Abigail, sleeping I assume." He struggled through his sentence.

Granny stood back up, giving a short nod. "You have to be quiet, then.. okay?"

Grampa eagerly nodded his head, grinning like a child as he scooched farther away from the back of his chair.

We did just as Loretta told us to do; we unlocked and opened the carriers, letting the cats come out on their own. I sat down next to the carrier that held the grey and orange kittens. Ashley sat next to her kitten, while Granny took a seat on her favorite armchair.

After a few moments of waiting patiently, the fluffy orange kitten stumbled out of the carrier. I sat there with a grin, tapping my fingers on my knees in anticipation. The kitten wobbled over to Grampa and let out the tiniest meow.

Grampa quietly squealed like a child and picked up the kitten. "Aren't you just the most adorable thing on the planet? Yes you are!" He placed the kitten next to him on his leather recliner. The tangerine fluff ball slightly stretched out, making himself comfortable beside Grampa. "That's right. You just make yourself at home next to me, bud." Grampa chuckled.

 

 

"Oh just wait until _your buddy_ comes out to see ya." Granny snorted.

Grampa looked at Granny, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. " _My buddy_?"

"Yep!" Ashley beamed. "You're gonna love him."

Just then a white ball of fluff scampered across the floor towards the beige couch near the window. The kitten tried to climb up the side of the couch but it was hopeless since she didn't have claws.

Ashley giggled and helped the kitten onto the couch. "That's my kitten. I've named her Marie."

 

 

Grampa grinned, giggling like a kid. "Then this puffball next to me must be Toulouse!"

Ashley and I nodded enthusiastically.

Granny stood from her armchair and sat on the couch with Marie. "We've got _the Aristocats_ , Grampa." She smirked at my grandpa, his mouth agape with stars in his eyes.

"Ooh! One of our favorite movies, huh kiddos?" He asked excitedly.

"Yup! Even Jordan loves it and he doesn't even know what's goin' on in the movie." I giggled.

Marie mewled and her mother immediately rushed out of the carrier, leaping onto the couch then lounging next to Granny.

 

"Well, would you look at that!" Grampa exclaimed in awe. "She must be the mama."

Granny nodded, lightly petting the mother cat's head. "Indeed she is. _And_ her name is Duchess, of course." Granny giggled to herself, smitten with her cat.

Grampa scoffed. "Of course! Only an elegant and ladylike feline as herself should be named as such!"

Everyone had smiles etched on their faces. So much happiness was spread throughout the room yet I sat there on pins and needles waiting for my kitten to emerge from his carrier. He's shy like me, one of the many things I already love about him. I couldn't wait any longer.

I reached into the carrier and gently grabbed the kitten, pulling him out. I stood up with him in my arms. "This is Berlioz," I announced. "He's very shy.. like me." I smiled and walked to Granny's armchair, softly setting him down on it. I sat on the floor next to him, grinning as I watched his movements.

He circled the seat of the chair a few times, then kneaded a spot near the arm rest and laid down. Just as Grampa was about to speak, Berlioz let out a great yawn, causing all of us to giggle and coo at the action.

 

Grampa, still chuckling, looked at Granny and smiled. "My dear, I think your favorite armchair has been claimed."

"I s'pose it has." Granny sighed out. "That's okay, we can share."

"I wonder when the orange cat is going to come out... ya think he's sleepin'?" Ashley asked.

"He seems pretty lazy. He's probably just relaxing in there." I shrugged.

Ashley wasn't having that. She crawled over to the carrier on her knees and tapped it lightly. "Excuse me, Mr. O'Malley... could you please come out? We're all waiting to see you!"

Granny and Grampa smiled at Ashley fondly. "O'Malley, huh?" Grampa chortled. "So that's my buddy."

Granny nodded as Duchess curled up in her lap, Marie pouncing on her mother's back and nibbling on her ear.

"Well c'mon, O'Malley! Rise and shine!" Grampa beamed.

Two orange and white paws peeked out of the front of the cat carrier as O'Malley stretched. He nonchalantly walked out of the carrier and sat down in the middle of the room, taking a good look at his surroundings. Grampa was giddy with excitement. "He looks just like him!"

Suddenly, the cat's pupils grew twice in size upon seeing the unfinished decorated Christmas tree in the corner of the room. He dashed across the brown shag carpet, halting directly in front of the tree.

"Oh no..." I sighed.

O'Malley stood on his back feet, reaching up and sniffing a golden glittered ornament.

 

"Ah! You get away from that tree, mister!" Granny scolded.

"Oh hell, he ain't hurtin' it! He's just admiring my work." Grampa smiled proudly. "So should we call him Thomas or O'Malley? Or Thomas O'Malley?"

I scratched my chin in thought as Ashley tilted her head to the side, thinking.

"Oh! I got it!" Grampa shouted. "How 'bout Abraham DeLacey Giuseppe Casey Thomas O'Malley.. O'Malley the Alley Cat?" He snapped his fingers, winking.

Ashley giggled, holding her tummy while Granny and I shook our heads in amusement.

The laughter stopped as Momma opened the door to the den, her eyes wide and mouth hung open. "I-I-- What- Why-- Ma?!"


	26. Incomprehensible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings: gore, blood, child abuse?, panic attacks.*****

****

**Ashley's POV**

_November 17th, 1997_

Momma wasn't thrilled about the idea of having _five_ cats to take care of but we were able to calm her down enough to explain that all of us are going to take care of them. Grampa will take care of Thomas, Granny will take care of Duchess, I will take care of Marie, and Josh will take care of Toulouse and Berlioz. All of us will take turns cleaning the litter boxes.

When Jordan spotted Toulouse he let out a high pitched shriek of happiness. Surprisingly enough, it didn't bother the orange kitten one bit. Toulouse simply scurried towards Jordan and began nibbling on his fingers, Jordan giggling the whole time. I think it's safe to say Toulouse is _Jordan's_ cat.

I got to stay home from school today since my cough has gotten worse. My nose is all stuffy, too. _I swear,_ if Granny makes me drink that stuff one more time or makes me chicken noodle soup I'm going to scream. Well... I would if I could. My throat is too swollen and sore. I can barely speak and my voice is hoarse.

Josh threw a hissy fit because he had to go to school and I didn't. I wasn't quite sure why he was so upset over it until I mulled it over. Maybe he's being bullied? Or maybe his nerves are bothering him too much? I wish he would talk to me like he used to...

 

"Pumpkin? Are you awake?" Granny knocked on my open door.

I struggled to lift myself up to sit upright on my bed. Granny put two of her hand sewn quilts over my blanket and sheets. Needless to say, I'm sweating buckets.

"Well if I wasn't, _I am now_." I sighed.

She shuffled to my bed, her lips pursed and her eyebrows furrowed. "Shup. Smart mouth."

I giggled as she sat down next to me on my bed. "Open up, it's time to take your temperature."

I slumped my shoulders, sighing as I opened my mouth. Granny held onto the thermometer as she placed it under my tongue. "Hold still."

I rolled my eyes at her, _as if_ we haven't been doing this since last night when my cough became more frequent. The thermometer beeped and Granny looked at the digital screen. "101.6°F, pumpkin." She sighed. "Granny's 'magic drink' can't help that. Alright, get out from those covers and take those warm clothes off. I'm gonna go get some cough syrup. Go into the bathroom and get your towels and stuff ready. I'll be back up to help you run the bath."

 

I nodded and got out of bed as Granny walked out of my room to go downstairs. I yanked the stupid blankets off my bed and padded into the hallway to put them in the hamper. On my way to the bathroom I noticed Momma's door was open... huh. I shrugged and opened the bathroom door only for my mother to yell "Get out!" and slam it in my face.

What did I just see... No...

I don't know how long I stood there frozen in front of the bathroom door but Granny had to shake me out of my daze. "Ashley! What are ya doin'?"

I blinked.

Granny sighed, annoyed with my lack of response and opened the door. She gasped at the sight. I just stood there.. staring at my mother on the bathroom floor... on her hands and knees, trying to clean up blood. _So much blood._

"Honey, what happened?!" Granny rushed forward to help my mother.

"It's j-just my period, Mom. I-I thought it w-was over but-- but it won't stop." Momma sobbed.

Granny turned her head to look at me. "Ashley go back into your room. Now!" With that she shut the bathroom door in my face.

I stood there, blinking, trying to make sense of the situation. What is a period? And why would she bleed that much? I could hear my mother's cries and my grandmother's hushed voice attempting to calm Momma down.

I stumbled backward, blindly reaching for my doorknob. A sour taste rose in my throat. I ran into my room, slamming my door shut behind me and fell to my knees by the trashcan. The sight of half digested chicken noodle soup, 'magic tea', and bile could never match what I saw in the bathroom. I threw up until I was dry heaving, tears streaming down my face and snot running out of my nose.

I'm so confused. I knew something was wrong with Momma! I knew it! Why won't anyone tell me what's happening? Is she dying? She can't die! I need her! We all need her...

I sniffed, wiping my face with the bottom of my shirt. I stood shakily and staggered over to my bed, falling down onto it face first. I tried my hardest not to cry, I did. But the image wouldn't get out of my head. All that blood... I tried to block out bad memories of Momma and Daddy. I shook my head back and forth, pressing my fingers into my eyes.

Suddenly, a memory crawled into my brain; severing every other image that was plastered on the backs of my eyelids. I slipped into it, unwillingly.

****trigger warning****

_I padded into the small kitchen, my tiny feet splashing in warm gooey puddles. "Daddy?" I watched him from the entryway, clutching Luna to my chest. He was kneeling on the kitchen floor, an animal was lying stretched out and limp in front of him. A loud sawing noise was coming from the knife he was using to cut open the animal's chest._

_"Hi, Sissy!" He grinned, red stained his chin and arms. "Come help me!"_

_I nodded then carefully tiptoed through the syrupy dark red that formed puddles on the floor. I stood next to my father, tilting my head to look at the animal. It's deep brown eyes looked empty and it's tongue was hanging out of it's slacked jaw. "What animal is this, Daddy?" I asked, curiosity lacing my voice._

_"It's a deer, Sissy! Ten point buck!" He chuckled, a grin spread across his face that caused me to smile as well._

_"Wha' do ya want me to help with?" I asked, giddy that he chose me to help him.  
_

_"Hold on, Sissy." Daddy sat the knife he was using down on the floor and stood up to trudge over to the side of the animal. He kneeled back down and grabbed a different kind of knife from his bag that laid near him._

_"Okay, sit in front of it's head." He took Luna from me, placing her on counter and staining her with red. I did as told, even though I was worried for Luna. "I want you to hold on tight to the deer's antlers, alright? I mean, real tight. Okay, Sis?"_

_I nodded enthusiastically, thrilled that I finally get to spend time with my father. I grabbed onto the base of the antlers, my eyebrows furrowed and my small mouth twisted into a pout of determination. Daddy used both hands to pry the deer's chest open, the sound of bones cracking repeated in my head. "Keep holdin' on, Sis."  
_

_He reached into the deer and began pulling out organs. Then he grabbed a knife and started cutting in a spot I couldn't see. The insides of the deer spilled out onto the floor, connected as if they were hung on a string. "Alright," Daddy grunted. "Now we're gonna take off it's feet."_

_I raised an eyebrow, my nose scrunched up. "It's feet?"_

_"Yep!" He moved down to the back feet of the deer, a knife in his hand. I watched as he cut around the leg then twisted the foot off, a sharp snap filled the air like when you snap carrots in half. He did the same with the other before kneeling next to me and taking off the deer's front feet._

_"Okay, Sissy. Now we're gonna take off the head. I need you to scoot over a bit so I can cut around it. You hold onto one antler and I'll hold onto this one." I did as I was told and he grabbed a different knife then began cutting the deer's throat._

_"You might get a bit of blood on ya." He laughed, as if I wasn't already covered in it. "Alrighty, now we're gonna lift his head your way, okay?"_

_I nodded and lifted the head by the antlers, pulling it towards me. Daddy cut around the side of the deer's throat, working his way to the back before setting the head back down. "We gotta switch places, Sis." He stood as I quickly scurried out of the way, swapping places with my father._

_"We're gonna lift his head again, just like last time but it's going to your side, okay?"_

_I nodded and began to lift the head, pulling it towards my body. Daddy cut along the back of the deer's neck all the way to the throat. Blood spilled from it's neck, pooling on the kitchen tile. Daddy tossed the knife to the side and moved so he was kneeling in front of the deer's head. "Alright, Sis, let go of his antlers."  
_

_I let go._

_He grabbed the antlers of the deer and yanked the head to the side, without warning. Blood was speckled on my face. I could hear the bones crack as he twisted the head from side to side before the deer's head was turned all the way around. More blood splattered on my face, causing me to close my eyes and wince. I heard my father grunt and another crack then I opened my eyes._

_Daddy was holding the deer head up by the antlers, a proud grin on his face. "Lookie there, Sis! We did it!" I gave him a tight-lipped smile. "I'm gonna mount this one._ Definitely. _"_

_I heard the front door slam. Daddy didn't seem to notice and continued talking. "We've got enough meat here for at least two weeks! As long as y'all don't--"_

_My mother's scream cut him off._

****end of trigger warning****

 

Tears blurred my vision as I struggled to breathe. I could hear my name being called but I couldn't talk. My jaw felt like it was welded shut. All at once, a jolt of what felt like lightning shot up my spine and everything went black.


	27. Soft Teeth

****

**Ashley's POV**

I could hear hushed voices. Two of them. I tried to open my eyes, my eyelashes sticking together as if someone glued my eyelids shut. I blinked a few times and strained to see what was in front of me. It's blurry but it's a circle. I blinked again.

It's a clock... on a wall. Wait, where am I?

"Oh, Ashley! You're awake!" I winced at the sudden noise and looked down to see that someone grabbed my hand. The other hand belonged to my grandmother.

"Granny?" I croaked out. "Where am I? What happened?"

"Shh, it's alright." She hushed, stroking my hand. "I walked in your room and-- and well, the doctor said you had a seizure. He said that it's possible the seizure could have been caused by your fever, since your temperature was 103°F."

I laid there in shock, staring off into space as thoughts swirled in my brain.

A seizure? From a fever? I didn't even know that was possible... But--

"But--"

"But what, Pumpkin?"

I looked in my grandmother's eyes. They were swollen and red, filled with worry. I decided not to tell her what happened before I had the seizure. "N-nothing, Granny. I'm just confused."

She gave me a small smile. "That's okay, Pumpkin. It's to be expected."

"It's almost nine o'clock, Granny." Josh spoke up.

Granny let out a deep sigh and let go of my hand. "You've been out for hours, baby doll." She smiled. "It's good that you got some rest, though. Doc said you need plenty of it, so you'll be staying home from school for the rest of the week."

"A whole week?!" I gasped, wide eyed and mouth agape.

"You have tonsillitis, you dipcrap." Josh shook his head in amusement.

I knitted my eyebrows together, scrunching my nose up. "What the heck is that?"

Granny laughed as she stood up, walking to the door. "I'll go get your doctor so he can tell ya all about it." She winked. "Damn near gave me a heart attack." I heard her mutter as she walked out of the room.

I snickered then looked at Josh, who was staring at the floor. "So, I guess you're jealous of me now, huh?"

He looked up at me, a grin on his face. "Jealous? Are you kiddin' me? You're sick, Sissy. I wouldn't trade places with you if someone offered me a hundred dollars." He laughed.

I squeezed my eyes shut. "C-could you not call me 'Sissy' any-- anymore? Please?"

"Why not? I've always called you that.."

I was quiet for a moment, my eyes still closed. I chewed on the insides of my cheeks, trying to decide how I could tell him the reason why I never want to be called that name _ever again_.

"Ashley?" Josh's voice was soft.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, tears already threatening to spill. "D-Daddy c-c-called me th-that, too.."

He instantly looked down at his feet. "I-I didn't know. I'm sorry, Ash..." He lifted his head up, his watery eyes peering into mine. "I really am sorry. I had no idea."

I sniffled. "It's okay, Bubba. I know you didn't know... Well, you must have heard him say it at one point but I don't think you knew he called me that." I tilted my head down. "You tried to stay away from him most of the time."

"We all did." He supplied.

I nodded, forlornly. Josh sighed.

I heard a knock on the door and my head shot up to see who it was. An old man of average height with grey hair, small features, and big glasses stood at the door in a white coat. "Good morning, Sunshine!" He smiled.

Granny smiled as well as she made her way back to her seat next to Josh. The doctor ambled away from the door towards the hospital bed I lay in. He pulled a rolling stool next to the bed and took a seat. He gave me a kind smile before he grabbed his clipboard and began talking.

"My name is Dr. Andrews, it's nice to see you awake." I giggled at his kindness. "So, Miss Ashley Dun... You had what is called a 'fever seizure'. Which in layman's terms means your temperature rose above 102°F and the rapid increase in body temperature caused your body to seize up. Now by the size of your eyes, I can tell you're a little scared so I'll explain further.

Fever seizures can be _very scary_ but they're not usually harmful and they don't cause any long-term problems.. such as brain damage or learning problems. The chance of; you having another fever seizure is unlikely. Just gotta keep that temperature down and you'll be fine." He smiled then looked to my grandmother.

"Make sure she drinks lots of fluids; frequent, small amounts work the best. Water, fruit juices, Gatorade, herbal teas, and popsicles are great, _especially_ for that sore throat she has." He turned his head towards me and smiled. "Which I will inform you on in a moment."

He continued talking to my grandmother. "I recommend giving her Children's Motrin or Tylenol. Baths with _lukewarm_ water, not hot nor cold, will help. You can do thatonce, twice, or even three times a day. Watch for signs of dehydration, you know being thirstier than usual and having darker urine. Make sure she gets enough rest but it's good to get out of bed every now and then to do non strenuous activities."

"Now..." He started, a serious tone to his voice. "What you need to watch for at home include her level of consciousness changing, pain in one area, shortness of breath, trouble breathing, stiff neck, a rash, ear pain, or if the symptoms become more severe or frequent."

He then swiveled in his seat, facing me with a slight smile on his face. "Okay then, onto that sore icky throat of yours." His tone was light and cheery. "You, my dear, have tonsillitis. Instead of bacteria, yours is caused by a virus so antibiotics are pretty much useless. Unfortunately, your body will have to fight off the infection on its own, which I'm almost certain is the reason for your high fever."

"On to the specifics!" He raised a finger in the air, a smirk on his face. "At the back of your throat, there are two masses of tissue called tonsils. You could call them filters since they trap the germs that could enter your airways and cause an infection. Your tonsils also produce antibodies to fight infection, but sometimes the tonsils themselves become infected. In your case, your 'throat filters' were filled with a nasty virus and caused them to swell and become inflamed. Also known as tonsillitis."

"You said lots of liquids... does that mean I can't eat?" I asked him.

He let out a hearty chuckle. "No, you can eat." He took off his glasses and pulled a cloth from his pocket and began cleaning the lenses. "Just make sure to eat smooth foods! Like Jell-O, applesauce, or sherbet.. that kind of stuff."

"Are peas soft enough?" I asked, hope lacing my hoarse voice.

Granny and Dr. Andrews laughed at that. "Yes, they are soft enough." He placed the cloth back in his pocket and put his glasses back on, looking at Granny. "I suggest giving her PediaSure while she's off solid foods. Put a humidifier in her room and make her gargle with warm salt water. She should start feeling better in about a week." He smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Thank you for explaining everything. I was really confused." I said in a small voice.

"Well, of course!" He patted my shoulder. "What kind of doctor would I be if I didn't let you know what's goin' on with ya?"

I grinned at him and he smiled back before looking to my grandmother. "I'll go get your paperwork so you guys can head home and get some sleep."

"Thank you, Dr. Andrews." Granny gave him a kind smile which he returned before leaving the room.

"So she gets to eat ice cream and have popsicles everyday? That's _so_ not fair!" Josh pouted.

Granny scoffed. "Oh, shup! I'm sure you'll be sneakin' popsicles."

"I'm just excited that I get to eat as much peas as I want." I shrugged.

Granny cackled while Josh just snorted, shaking his head.

What? I really like peas.

 

 

I fell asleep on the drive home. Someone must have carried me inside the house because I woke up in my bed. I sat up groggily, rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands before getting out of bed and padding towards my door. I need to tell Josh.

I didn't even care about the time as I silently made my way to Josh's bedroom, gently opening his door. To my surprise, he wasn't asleep. He was laying on his bed with his legs propped up against the wall, staring at the painted galaxy that covered it. I snorted causing him to jump and let out a quiet gasp. I walked farther into his room after closing the door.

"What are you doing outta bed?" He asked, now sitting upright on his bed and rubbing his eyes.

"I need to tell you something _very_ important, Bubba." I said as I sat down beside him.

He squinted his eyes as a wave of confusion washed across his features. "Okay?" He sighed. "What's so important?"

I exhaled a deep breath and stared at my hands, biting my bottom lip. "There's something wrong with Momma."

"Well, duh." He scoffed.

"No, y-you idiot! Something _r-really bad_!" My voice cracked.

"Okay, okay. What happened, Si-- Ash?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"Earlier today... Granny told me to go get ready to take a bath and-- and when I opened the bathroom door... I saw Momma on the floor.. naked, cleaning up a lot of blood on the floor."

I looked up and saw Josh's eyes were wide, his face pale. "W-w-what-- what do you mean a lot of blood? Did you ask what was wrong? Did she tell you? Did--"

"Josh!" I harshly whispered, cutting him off. "She slammed the door in my face before I could say anything."

He sighed, placing his head in his hands. "Then what happened?"

"I just stood there... in front of the door like a statue. Until Granny moved me out of the way and opened the door. Granny flipped out and Momma said it was just her period but it wouldn't stop and then Granny yelled at me and shut the door. Then I threw up and laid on my bed and that's-- that's when--" My own sobbing cut off my frantic rambling.

Josh grabbed my hands. I hadn't noticed I was digging my nails in the palms of them. "Ashley, take slow deep breaths."

I tried but it was useless. I started bawling my eyes out, Josh rubbing my back as an attempt to comfort me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to talk about what happened with my father.

I just can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really proud of myself because I totally just did talk about what happened with my father in the last chapter... and other chapters.. for the first time, in detail. 
> 
> *pats self on shoulder*
> 
> Thank you to those who are reading this rubbish and leaving kudos! If you could please comment more it would be wonderful! It really helps with my writing.
> 
> I hope you all are doing okay. Every single one of you are beautiful and lovely. <3


	28. Austere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Trigger Warnings: violence, bullying, offensive language, derogatory names****
> 
> **A/N: I had a really hard time writing this. I'm sorry.**

 

****

**Josh's POV**

_ November 18th, 1997 _

The window on the bus is cold against my cheek as I watch the trees blur past and the rain drops chase each other across the glass. The frigid stinging of my cheek is a pleasant distraction from the deafening commotion of the other kids on the bus and the incessant cacophony of voices, dismal thoughts, and gruesome memories in my mind.

I wish I could rewind; go back to the first day of school. Maybe I could start over, do something different, and all of this bullshit wouldn't be happening. My mother wouldn't be sad, she would be healthy and happy. I'd get to see Abigail. Ashley never would have ran away and hid in that stupid cave, maybe then she wouldn't be sick... but there would be a chance I had never become friends with Tyler.

Tyler; he's so nice and understanding. I've never had a friend like him before. Heck, I've never even met a person like that before, not counting my family. Sometimes I wonder if it's all a big joke. Maybe he was dared by his friends to act like my friend. Find out all my secrets and spread them around the school so everyone can make fun of me.

Then again.. why would someone go through all that trouble?

Because people are cruel. I know this.

But I shouldn't be thinking like that about Tyler. 

Jesus, I'm so lost in my mind. It's like a labyrinth and the walls keep shifting, leading me in different directions until I've forgotten how to go back the way I came. How to get out.

I was so distracted I didn't notice we arrived at the school. I was the only kid left on the bus. The bus driver was staring at me, expectantly and slightly confused as I stood up, hastily throwing my backpack over my shoulder and running out of the bus. I hurried into the school, yanking the heavy door open and bolted to my classroom, trying not to slip on the wet floor.

I opened the door to my class, panting, and everyone turned their attention to me; including Mrs. Snyder. 

Crap.

"You alright, Josh?" Mrs. Snyder asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah." I breathed out. "I'm fine."

She gave a curt nod as I made my way to my desk, shrugging off my backpack and coat then hanging them on the back of my chair. I plopped down in my seat letting out a deep sigh. Tyler was staring at me.

"H-hey, Josh." His voice was timid. That's unusual.

"Hi, Tyler." I didn't look at him.

"Are you okay? You look a little... I don't know, something seems wrong."

I should tell him. I should talk to him about what's going on but I can't seem to let the words out of my mouth without bile rising up in my throat.

"I'm fine, Tyler. Just overslept." I lied.

"O-okay."

That was the last time I talked to him until lunch.

 

I walked into the lunchroom, alone. I reluctantly got in the lunch line, my stomach growling and clawing its way up my throat. I don't want to eat. I'm afraid I'll puke. 

I shuffled farther in line, scuffing my shoes on the dirty linoleum. I kept my head down as we moved on, staring at the patterns on the floor. The tiny black and grey dots began swirling, shifting into different shapes. I got dizzy.

Someone cleared their throat, causing me to snap my head up. I was greeted with an annoyed lunch lady, holding a ladle covered in what I'm assuming is chili.

"Sorry." I muttered as I grabbed a tray and a carton of chocolate milk.

I moved down the line, the lunch lady slopping a pile of chili that was sitting in a puddle of grease on my tray. I mumbled a "thank you" and shuffled to the fruit and veggie bar. I grabbed a fruit cup, plastic utensils, and walked to our table. Tyler, Mike and Jordan were already eating their lunch, laughing and talking. 

Maybe I should eat in the bathroom...

I sat down with them anyway, putting my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and staring down at my lunch. I can't eat. I'll puke. I know it.

"Hey, Josh!" Mike greeted. "How ya doin'?"

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

I sighed. "I'm tired."

"Didn't get much sleep last night?" He asked.

"No, I didn't." That was the truth. After Ashley went back to her room, I turned on all the lights and just sat in the middle of my room.

"But you said you overslept?" Tyler stated.

Crap.

I looked up and everyone's eyes were on me. I was caught in a lie. I can either tell the truth or make up another lie.

I chose the latter.

"Uh-" I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I didn't fall asleep until like.. four in the morning... Ended up sleeping in.. I didn't hear my alarm go off." Nice one, Dun.

Mike slowly nodded his head and Tyler tilted his head slightly, squinting his eyes. Jordan continued eating his sandwich.

I hung my head back down and started picking at the skin around my nails. I wonder what Ashley's doing.. I hope she's feeling at least a little better. Momma went to the doctor today. Will she even tell us what the doctor said? With the way things have been going, probably not. She's hiding something. And what the heck is a period?

"Josh."

I snapped my head up, my eyes met with Tyler who had his eyebrows furrowed.

"Aren't you going to eat?" He asked.

"Oh." I picked up my spork. "Yeah." I moved the chili around on my tray. The grease swirled around the meat.

Mike chuckled. "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. It comes from a bucket they keep in the freezer." He shook his head. "I swear it's mystery meat from like.. the '70s."

I laughed halfheartedly and chose to eat my fruit cup instead. I peeled the plastic lid off and grabbed my spoon. Just before I could take a bite, Tyler reached over the table and grabbed my milk carton. At first, I thought he was stealing it or pulling a prank but he just opened it for me and sat it back down on my tray.

"T-thanks, Ty." My face felt hot.

"No problem, Jishwa." He shrugged, giving a tight-lipped smile.

I decided to eat my fruit cup as fast as possible, just to get it over with. 

Big mistake.

The syrup and chunks of fruit mixed with the acid in my stomach making it churn. I felt it bubble up my throat. My skin became clammy.

"Josh, are you--"

The fruit cup was now back on my tray. In a different form.

"Ohh! That's _nasty_ , man!" Jordan shouted.

Mike grimaced and turned away from the table. "Dude, gross."

Tyler didn't say anything. He didn't have to, the look on his face said everything. The main question written on his face was "What is going on with you?"

I didn't notice I had started crying but when I did, I couldn't stop. It was like someone shook up a bottle of pop and unscrewed the lid, letting the foam and sticky liquid overflow. Making a mess.

I'm a mess.

The girls behind us started laughing at me and shouting, making fun of me for puking on my tray and 'crying like a baby'. This attracted the other kids. Suddenly, everyone was laughing at me except Mike and Tyler.

"Josh, do you want me to take you to the nurse?" Tyler asked, concerned.

I got up and ran out of the cafeteria. I ran all the way to the bathroom at the other end of the school, tears streaming down my face and vomit on my hoodie. 

 

I skidded to a stop in front of the door, yanking it open and rushing to the last stall. I sat in the corner with my back against the wall and my knees pulled up to my chest. I hugged my legs and rested my head on my knees. Then I let go.

I bawled like a baby. I let everything out. All the thoughts in my mind screaming their way out in the form of tears soaking my jeans and snot running down my face. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I cried until the bell rang, signaling it was time for recess. 

I exhaled a defeated sigh, wiping my face with the sleeves of my hoodie. I don't care anymore.

I stood up and exited the stall, walking to the sinks to peer into the mirror just to cringe and look away. My entire face was red, my eyes were swollen and bloodshot. I had dried vomit on my black hoodie. God, what is happening to me?

I grabbed some paper towels, wetting them and scrubbing at my hoodie. It was useless. I now had a huge wet spot that was stained slightly yellow directly in the middle of my chest. Great.

I threw the used paper towels away and trudged out of the bathroom, merging with the sea of kids headed for the doors to go outside. I guess the rain stopped.

 

****trigger warning****

 

Even though the sky was gloomy and the clouds washed it with grey, it was a drastic change from the dim lighting of the hallway. I squinted my eyes and separated myself from the group of kids running towards the playground and basketball court. I wandered away from everyone, out of sight, over to a huge tree and slumped down beside it, resting my head against the saturated bark. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. Maybe I can nap until recess is over?

No such luck.

"Look it's the cry baby!" Someone laughed out.

I kept my eyes shut.

"Do you always cry when you vomit, dumbass?"

I ignored them, even though the name caused my eyes to water.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, faggot!" Someone kicked my leg.

I opened my eyes and was met with three boys staring me down with smug looks on their faces. One had short spiky blond hair. Another had red hair, freckles, and braces. The other that was shuffling his feet with his head down and had his hood pulled up.

Mouth-breathers.

"Leave me alone." I muttered.

The blond stroked his chin. "Hmm, how about _no_?"

"Yeah, get up cry baby!" Braces yelled.

I sighed. "Would you please just go away? I get it. I'm a cry baby. A bawl bag. A sniffling loser. There, ya happy?"

The blond snickered. "Not yet."

"Mouth-breathers." I mumbled under my breath.

Braces crouched down beside me, his face way too close to mine. "What was that, dickface?"

"N-nothing." I stuttered. God, this kid needs a tic-tac.

"Speak up, faggot!" Braces spat.

"Nothing! Okay? I didn't say anything. Now, go away!"

Braces and Spiky laughed.

"I don't think so." Braces said as he hauled me up by the collar of my hoodie, slamming my back against the tree. "You don't like fruit cups, huh ? Well, perhaps you'd rather have a knuckle sandwich."

Is this kid serious? That was so lame.

"Answer me!" He yanked me forward and slammed me against the tree, the back of my head hitting it hard.

"No, I wouldn't. But maybe you'd like to go eat a dick?" I smirked.

"I bet you'd like that, huh faggot?" He sneered.

"Stop saying that word." I said barely over a whisper.

"Ray, hold him." Braces nodded to the kid in the hoodie, who was now walking towards me.

He grabbed my arms then held them behind my back. "Sorry," he whispered in my ear just before Braces punched me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I gasped for air as he landed another blow to my face. Again and again and again.

"Throw him down." I don't know if the blond kid said that or Braces. The world was spinning too fast. Ray hesitated. "Do it! Now!" My bloody and stinging face met the muddy ground. I tried to lift myself back up but was kicked in the ribs, knocking me back down. I curled in on myself. Someone kicked me again in the back then on the side of my face.

"Hey! What the hell are you doin'?" I heard a different voice call out.

The beatings stopped and hurried footsteps were drawing near.

"Leave him alone!"

Tyler.

"Your _boyfriend_ and I were just having a nice chat." Braces. "Stay out of this, Joseph."

"He might stay out of it but I'm not."

I heard shuffling and grunting. More fighting. I wish someone would knock me out so I could just escape all of this.

"Jordan! Go get your mom, hurry!" I heard Tyler call out.

Just before everything went dark I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Tyler say my name.


	29. Dizzy

****

**Josh's POV**

I woke up in the nurses office, alone. 

At least, I thought I was. Tyler was sitting on the floor next to the cot I was laying on. He was holding an ice pack to his hand, staring off into space.

"T-tyler?" Jesus, my mouth is dry.

He quickly turned his head to me, his eyes wide and a small smile on his face. 

"It's about time you woke up, sleepyhead." He giggled.

I gave a light chuckle and sat up, hanging my feet off the side of the cot and patting the spot next to me, gesturing for Tyler to sit down. He slowly rose to his feet and sat down next to me.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, wincing in pain.

"Since you passed out in the school yard or since Mr. Reynolds carried you in here?" He asked.

"Uh.. wow. The first one, I guess."

He let out a long sigh. "Probably an hour and a half? School's going to be let out in about 30 minutes."

I nodded and looked down at Tyler's hand. "What happened?"

"Oh." He removed the ice pack, revealing swollen and bruised knuckles. "Bob tried to punch me.. to get me away from you, I suppose. I cold-cocked him." He chuckled, placing the ice pack back on his hand.

I looked at him confusedly with an eyebrow raised.

"It means punch." He let out a breathy laugh and smiled.

"Oh." I laughed. "So... um- I remember someone else with you.. who was that?

"Mike." Tyler chewed on his bottom lip. "He got hit a few times but Seth and Bob look worse."

"I'll have to thank Mike when I see him."

" _Yeah_ , that's not gonna happen anytime soon, dude." Tyler chuckled.

"What? Why?" I was super confused.

"Mike got suspended, just for a day, and you're probably going to the hospital when your mom picks you up." He gave me a half-smile.

"Wait. What?" I furrowed my eyebrows and then gasped out in pain, raising my hand to my left eye. "What the heck?"

"I forgot you haven't seen your face, yet." Tyler grimaced. "The nurse said you probably need stitches and you might have bruised ribs."

I brought my hand away from my face, seeing blood on my fingers. " _Great_." I sighed. "Did you get in trouble?"

"Surprisingly, no. I thought I would have at least gotten detention or something but nope." He shrugged.

"Well, thank you." I gave him a small smile.

"No biggie. Besides--"

There was a knock on the door. Principal Holland was standing in the doorway, his mouth was hidden behind his mustache. He looked tired.

 

"Joseph, Dun, come with me." He ushered us out of the nurses office and into a small corridor that led to his office. The three boys, Mike, Jordan, and Mrs. Keith were sitting in chairs. I'm assuming the three boys' parents? were standing next to their sons. Tyler and I sat down next to Mike, who had a busted lip. 

"Okay, boys... I've heard everyone's side of the story except Josh's. So, Josh if you would please tell us your side, we can carry on." Principal Holland tilted his head at me, leaning back in his leather chair.

"Uh--" I started out. Going good so far, Dun. "I got sick at lunch and ran to the bathroom.. t-to clean myself up. A-and then the bell rang, s-so I-I followed everyone else outside f-for re-recess." I took a deep breath while Principal Holland just nodded his head, his hands clasped together over his big belly. "I-I di-didn't f-feel like doing anyth-- I didn't feel good. So.. I decided to sit under t-the tree. T-they came up to me and--"

"Josh, I'm going to need you to be specific. Who is they?" Principal Holland asked.

"I-I don't k-know th-their names, sir." I stuttered.

"Ah." Principal Holland swiveled around to face the three boys. "Please, introduce yourself."

The blond kid sighed. "My name is Bob Bryar." He had mud in his hair, a black eye, and his lip looked like it was split open.

Braces scowled. "My name is Seth Richards." Haha 'Seth Dick'. Suits him. His right eye was swelled shut. Nice job, Mike.

The kid in the hoodie now had his hood off and I noticed he had chestnut colored hair and big lips. "My name is Raymond Toro, but everyone calls me Ray." His voice was barely above a whisper. I kind of felt bad for the kid. He said he was sorry before Seth and Bob started punching me. It's like he feels like he has no choice but to be their friend.

"Right." Principal Holland swiveled back to me. "Please, continue."

I gulped. "Um, so yeah. I was a-at the tree a-and Bob, Seth, and Ray came up to me. I had my eyes closed so I don't know who said what but someone called me a 'cry baby', um.. Principal Holland is it okay if I say a bad word?"

He nodded.

"Someone called me a 'dumbass', 'dickface', and a--" I exhaled a shaky breath. I didn't want to say it.

"A what?" Principal Holland inquired.

"A 'faggot'." I said lowly.

Tyler turned his head to me, mouth slightly agape. Mike let out a frustrated sigh and stared at the three boys. Ray's mother smacked him upside the head, muttering something. Seth's mother gasped. Bob's dad just shook his head. Principal Holland seemed to be stunned. I figured I should continue.

"Uh-" I sniffed, willing myself not cry. Why am I crying? What the heck? "Seth wouldn't leave me alone after I had asked them to.. and-- and then he pulled me up by m-my hoodie, he-- he slammed me against the tree. And um... He-- I think I remember him asking me if I wanted a 'knuckle sandwich'.."

Principal Holland snickered but tried to cover it up by clearing his throat.

"I- I may have told him t-to-- to go eat a dick." I hung my head. Mike was the one snickering this time.

"Gibson!" Principal Holland shouted.

"Sorry, Principal Holland." Mike muttered.

He sighed then gestured for me to continue.

"Then Seth said "I bet you'd like that, huh faggot?" and I told him to s-stop saying that-- that word." I exhaled a shaky breath. "Then he told Ray to hold me.. and-- and Ray grabbed m-my arms and held them behind my back and--" My breath quickened. I looked up and darted my eyes across the room. Ray was biting his bottom lip with his eyes squeezed shut. Would it be better for him if I told Principal Holland that he said sorry? Or would it make it worse for him with Bob and Seth? I decided to leave that part out.

"Seth punched me in the stomach and the face-- over and over. Then h-he told Ray to throw me on the ground and t-they kicked me.. in the stomach and-- my face." I sighed. Why is this so difficult to talk about? It feels like something is constricting my chest. It's too hot in here. I feel dizzy. Like I'm going to puke, again.

"T-th-the last thing I remember is hearing Tyler and Mike." I rushed out, exhaling a deep breath and leaning forward.

"It's alright, Josh." Principal Holland spoke in a calm voice. "Thank you for telling us. Mr. Toro, Bryar, and Richards.. two weeks of in-school suspension."

Seth and Bob rolled their eyes and sighed.

"I can make it until next year if you'd like, boys?" Principal Holland threatened.

They shook their heads.

"Good. Gibson, detention tomorrow instead of suspension. Joseph--"

"Josh?! Joshua?" I heard my mother's voice call out. Everyone looked at me then at each other in confusion. I just sighed and shook my head. The hurried footsteps came closer then my mother was in the doorway, panting, her eyes red and puffy. "Oh, Josh."

She rushed towards me and hugged me, making me wince and cry out in pain.

"I'm sorry! I didn't know--Oh my God, baby your eye!" She cried out.

"What is going on here?!" She demanded from Principal Holland.

"Mrs. Dun, I assure you I have taken care of the problem." Principal Holland looked past my mother, who was fuming, and gestured for everyone to leave. "If everyone would please leave my office so I can inform Mrs. Dun on the situation, it would be greatly appreciated. Gibson, you and Joseph wait outside with Josh."

We all nodded and left the room, closing the door behind us. We sat on a bench near the entrance of the school. I could hear my mother's shrill voice.

"Your mom is really loud." Mike said, laughing lightly.

I chuckled. "Only when she's pissed."

 

On the drive to the emergency room, my mother was completely silent. I thought she'd be asking me a slew of questions but it was uncomfortably quiet in the car. I decided to ask about the doctor before we're around the rest of the family.

"So how did it go, Momma?"

"How did what go?" She knitted her eyebrows together in perplexity.

"Your doctor appointment... what did they say?" I peered at her out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh.. uh-" She inhaled sharply and her hands began to tremble on the steering wheel. "Everything is fine, Josh."

She's lying. Why is she lying to me?!

I hung my head and stared at the floorboard of the car. 

I want to punch something. I want to scream. I want to yell at my mother and tell her that I know she's lying to me, to all of us, and that she's sad and doesn't want to be around anyone. She's scared Dad will show up. She's worried about everything, all the time. I know.

I didn't speak though.

I didn't talk to the nurse at the hospital. I didn't even cry out in pain when she stitched me up.

I didn't say anything to anyone. 

Not even when we were home.

Not when Grampa and Granny asked what happened.

Not when Ashley asked me if it hurts.

Not when my mother raised her voice at me because I wouldn't answer her questions.

Not even when they all said goodnight.


	30. Anything?

**  
**

**Tyler's POV**

_ November 22nd, 1997 _

As I sat at the kitchen table, stirring the last bits of my cereal, watching the soggy pieces swirl in the milk, I couldn't stop my mind from spinning. All I could think about was Josh. He didn't go to school the rest of the week. It's Saturday. I figured he wouldn't be at school the day after the fight happened but I thought he'd at least be there on Friday. I wonder how badly he's hurt...

I asked Zack to talk to Ashley and find out if Josh is okay but everyday he'd say she didn't show up at school. I'm really worried. I could call him but for some reason I feel too afraid. Every time I pick up the phone I hesitate and set it back down.

"Tyler?"

"Yeah?" I replied to my mom without looking at her.

"Are you going to finish eating your cereal or play with it?"

I sighed and stood up, my chair scraping against the floor. I took my bowl to the sink and poured the remnants of my breakfast down the drain, then rinsed out the bowl and placed it in the dishwasher.

"Thank you, Tyler." My mom smiled.

"Mhm."

I wandered into the living room, stopping in front of the large window and staring off into the distance. I could just show up at his house? No, that's rude. I sighed.

"What're you doing?" Zack asked from the couch.

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Josh." I murmured.

Zack let out a frustrated sigh. "Tyler, why don't you jus' call him? He's your best friend... _right_?"

"I- I think so."

"Whaddya mean you think so? I thought you said you guys did a spit swear?" Zack sounded more curious than annoyed now.

"We did but--"

" _But?_ "

"Something was wrong with him the day the fight happened and he wouldn't talk to me about it. He even _lied_ to me." I shuffled over to the couch, plopping down next to Zack.

"Did you ask him what was wrong?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I asked him if he was okay when he showed up a few minutes late for school." I shrugged. "But he said everything was fine."

"Maybe he felt like he couldn't trust you?"

"What?" I scoffed. "We're best friends! Best friends trust each other. They don't keep secrets from each other. _And they don't lie_."

"Well.. maybe he's ready now that you stuck up for him? You did say that he told you that you're his first _real_ friend."

I blinked. Wow. Zack is actually making sense for once.

"Hey!" Zack suddenly shouted, making me jump. "You can use my walkie talkies!"

"For what?"

Zack threw his head back, exhaling a long sigh. "Tyler.. I swear, sometimes you're really dumb." He shook his head. "You could give him one of the walkie talkies then you guys can talk whenever ya want. _Duh_."

"That's- Thanks Zack, that's a really good idea!" I smiled and jumped up from the couch. "Where are they?"

He stood up, wiggling his finger back and forth. "Ah, ah, ah. You can only use them on one condition."

I rolled my eyes. Of course he would do this. "What do you want?"

"All of the Gushers and Oreos--"

I gasped. "What?! That's totally--"

"For two months!" Zack smirked. "That's my offer. Take it or leave it."

He crossed his arms, a smug look on his face.

I huffed. "Fine."

He spit on his hand and I spit on mine, shaking his hand rather harshly.

"So, where are they?"

"Under my bed." He shrugged.

 

I ran upstairs, into our shared bedroom, and immediately began searching under Zack's bed. I pulled out an old baseball glove, a slinky, three _extremely_ fragrant socks, an old package of Oreos that Zack had only eaten the cream out of, a stale Cheeto, a dog treat, and finally a yellow pair of walkie talkies.

I stood up, sighing, checked to see if they had batteries and if they still worked. I pushed the button, a soft fuzz came through the speaker, and said "Hello". My voice came through the other walkie talkie. Score! I smiled and placed them on my bed then went to my dresser to change my clothes.

While putting on my socks, I paused.

Wait. We don't even _have_ a dog.

I shook my head at the thought of Zack stealing a dog treat from somewhere and continued getting ready.

 

I took the stairs two at a time, rushing into the living room and picking up the phone. I dialed Josh's number and waited, listening to it ring.

"Hello?" A gruff voice answered. Grampa.

"Hi, this is Tyler, Josh's friend, and I was wondering if--"

"Well hey there, Tyler! Haven't seen ya in a while!"

"Uh-- Yeah, I know. I was wondering if I could talk to Josh?"

"Sure, kid. Lemme go get him for ya."

"Thank you, sir."

I let out a sigh and waited. I could hear a little kid yelling and someone shouting after them. Then I heard a crash. My eyes went wide.

"Hello?" Josh's voice came through the phone, tone sounding bored.

"Josh! It's Tyler."

"Oh hey, Ty! What's up?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today? We could go to the park.." I bit my lip in anticipation.

"Yeah! That'd be awesome. Uh.. you mean the one on Terrace Drive, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. The one with the big playground near the forest."

"Okay, I'll get dressed and meet you there. It'll probably take me only about... ten minutes."

"Cool! I'll see you in ten." I grinned.

"'Kay. See ya, Ty."

"See ya, Jishwa!"

I hung up the phone and rushed to the entryway by the front door to put my shoes and jacket on.

"Mom!" I called out. "I'm gonna go to the park with Josh! I'll be back later!"

"Okay! Be careful!

"I will!" I rolled my eyes, zipping up my jacket, checking my pockets to make sure I had the walkie talkies then reaching for the front door.

"And don't go into the forest!" She yelled.

I ignored her and walked out.

 

The walk to the park didn't take long at all.

Well... that might be because I ran all the way there. Plus the neighbor's dog was barking at me. He's in a fence but still..

I stood near the slide, waiting for Josh.

I hope he doesn't think I'm weird for wanting to use walkie talkies. What if he laughs at me? Or makes fun of me?

I shook my head of the thought when I saw Josh racing down the sidewalk. A big grin spread across my face as I watched him bounding towards me with a smile on his face, like a puppy.

When he reached me, he engulfed me in a hug. Yeah, he's my best friend. Definitely.

He broke away from the hug first. "I hope you weren't waiting here for very long." He panted out.

"Nah. I just got here." I squinted, the sun blinding me. "You're really fast, Josh." I laughed out.

He giggled. "Thanks."

"Your eye looks better." It wasn't black and blue anymore. There was only a faint yellow and light green spread around his eye.

"It feels a little better, too. So do my ribs. I get my stitches taken out next week."

"So... what all did the doctor say? Like how bad did you get hurt?" I looked down, shuffling my feet in the wood chips.

"I jus' have bruised ribs." He shrugged. "And my eye, of course."

I turned away so he couldn't see the grimace on my face. I felt really bad. I walked over to the swings, Josh following me. I sat down and lightly pushed off, swinging back and forth gently. Josh copied my actions.

"I'm sorry, Josh."

He turned his head towards me, a confused look spread across his face. "For what?"

"For not being there." I stopped swinging, my shoulders slumped. "I should have been there. We should have been together at recess. Maybe then that never would have happened.."

"Tyler," he sighed. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for what those idiots did. 'Sides, you kind of came to my rescue, after all."

I chortled. "Mike is the one who beat the crap out of them."

"Yeah.." he trailed off. "But you 'cold cocked' Seth."

I laughed loudly. "That's what best friends do," I shrugged. "Seth and Bob showed up to my basketball game. Mike was there, too. They're totally afraid of him now."

"Good." Josh chuckled. "I would be too, honestly. Mike is scary when he's angry... And a really good friend."

"Yeah, he is." I giggled, smiling at Josh. "So, I have something for you."

Josh tilted his head. "What?"

"Follow me." I stood up from the swings, walking away from the playground and towards the edge of the forest.

"We're not going into the forest.. are we?" Josh asked, warily.

"Not very far into it.. just a bit." I shrugged.

"Uh- I-um, Ty.. I don't know about this.."

"Josh, trust me. You're going to want to see this." I grabbed his hand and led him past the tree line.

 

 

I heard Josh sigh as he followed me through the trees, leaves crunching under our feet. We walked for not even five minutes before we were in front of a giant oak tree. Its roots emerging from the ground, peeking just above the surface of the earth. It had to be at least 50 feet high, its branches extending out so far that no other tree grew near it for at least 20 feet.

"Wow." Josh breathed out.

I turned my gaze away from the tree and smiled at Josh. "Told ya so."

"Oh, shup." He laughed.

"Shup?" I giggled.

"Yeah, it's how my grandma says 'shut up'," he chuckled. "Pretty much everyone in my family says it that way."

I snorted. "That's like saying 'crap' or 'shoot', right?"

"I guess." He shrugged, smiling.

"So can you climb a tree?" I asked with a smirk on my face.

His jaw dropped. "You want to climb _that?_ "

"What?" I gave him a mischievous grin. "Are you scared, Jishwa? Or can you just not climb?"

"I'm not scared." He scoffed, rolling his eyes. "And I _can_ climb... I've just never climbed a tree that big."

I put my arm around his shoulder, leading him to the tree. "I've climbed this tree hundreds of times, Jish. I even have my own little way of climbing it." I reassured him. "Here, I'll go first and show you. Just follow my path."

"O-okay."

I walked around the tree finding the first knot and placed my left foot on it. I reached up with my right hand, grabbing the second knot then placed my right foot against the bark of the tree and lifted myself up to grasp the first branch with my left hand. I quickly shifted my right hand to the branch, hanging for a moment before hoisting myself up and sitting down on it.

"Just copy that and when you're up here we'll move on to the next branch." I called down to Josh.

"Uh-- I- Alright." He peered up at me, nervousness written all over his face.

"We'll only go up to the third branch, okay?"

He nodded his head and began climbing. He copied my exact steps and soon enough we were on the third branch, our legs swinging off each side of it.

"So," Josh panted out, his face slightly sweaty. "You said you have something for me?"

I nodded enthusiastically, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. I reached into the pocket of my jacket and pulled out the walkie talkies. I held one out to Josh. He took it from me, hesitantly, his eyebrows knitted together as he examined it.

"What is it?" He asked, completely confused.

My mouth dropped. "It's a walkie talkie!"

He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language. "A what?"

"A walkie talkie? Ya know, you can talk to people on it... through different channels and stuff.." I bit my bottom lip and tilted my head to the side. "You really don't know what a walkie talkie is?"

He shook his head, his face flushed with embarrassment.

"Oh.. well that's no biggie." I shrugged one shoulder. "They're already turned on and set up so just push that button down on the side and say something."

He held the walkie talkie close to his mouth, finger on the button. "Anything?"

"Anything!" I nodded, smiling.

He gave a small smile before pressing his finger down on the button, a soft fuzz coming from the speaker. "...Penis."

We both burst into a fit of giggles hearing Josh's voice from my own walkie talkie. His finger was still pressing the button down so our giggles echoed.

"Josh!" I laughed out. "Take--," I couldn't stop giggling, my hand clutching my tummy. "Take your finger off-- off the button."

"Oh," he giggled breathlessly, his face red. "Sorry."

"It's fine, Jish." I wiped a tear from my eye, still letting out soft chuckles. "Now we can use these to talk whenever we want."

"Cool!" Josh grinned, looking down at the walkie talkie in amazement. His cheeks made his eyes were squint and the sides got all crinkly.

I couldn't help the smile that felt like it spread up to my eyebrows. I really like it when Josh smiles.

I made a vow to myself, then, to make sure Josh smiles and laughs as much as possible.


	31. Xeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers-a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence-moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone. 

__

 

**Josh's POV**

"Josh?" Tyler peered up at me through his lashes, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, Ty?"

"What-- What was wrong that day the fight happened?" He rushed out.

"Oh." I looked down at the branch we were sitting on, picking at the bark. "I- uh," I breathed out unevenly before looking up at Tyler. "Something is wrong with my mom."

He tilted his head, his eyebrows furrowing even further. "Whaddya mean? Is she sick?"

"I think so... but not the normal kind of sick. Like, I don't think she has a cold or anything. She's just... sad, a lot. And--," I let out a deep sigh. "Ashley said she found her cleaning up a lot of blood."

Tyler's eyes widened, his eyebrows now raised so high they almost reached his hairline. "Oh... wow. Did she hurt herself?"

I bit my lip, shaking my head. "I don't think so.. Ashley said somethin' about a 'period'."

Tyler's face immediately turned into one of disgust. "Gross!"

"You know what that is?!"

"Unfortunately." He mumbled.

"Well.." I wiggled my feet back and forth. "What-- What does it mean?"

Tyler hung his head and sighed. "I'm only gonna explain this once, 'kay?"

I nodded my head rapidly, anxious to find out what's really going on.

"When girls get older.. they can have babies, right?" I nodded, again, signaling for him to continue. "Well, they have like... _eggs_... inside them. And if that egg doesn't become a baby their body kind of... pushes it out.. and they bleed."

I scrunched up my nose. " _Ewww_."

"Yeah. It's _so gross._ And my mom said it's really painful and it costs a lot of money and-- It just makes me so happy to be a boy." Tyler rushed out, shaking his head.

I hummed in thought. I feel even more confused about what's going on now. "Wait, why do you know this?"

Tyler's face flushed red. "Um." He pressed his lips in a thin tight line. "Zack and I found these... thingys... and we put them in water and they grew. Like those grow-your-own dinosaurs!"

"Oh." I blinked. "But what does that have to do with a- a period?"

Tyler bit his lip and scratched the side of his cheek, wincing a bit. "Uh. Well-- My mom said girls have to put them in the their.. _private areas_... to soak up the blood."

"Gross!"

"I know!" He chuckled.

Maybe Momma couldn't afford those thingys? But... why would she have to go to the doctor for that? Ugh, I don't get it.

 

I shook my head then looked at Tyler, who was peering up the tree, tilting his head as he watched the wind blow the dead leaves off the branches. A huge gust of wind came through, raining leaves on us. We were surrounded in a swirl of oranges, reds, and browns. I giggled as Tyler held his hands out trying to catch one.

A bright red one landed softly in the palm of his hand. He picked it up by the small stem and held it up, admiring the leaf. He suddenly thrust his hand out, waving the leaf in my face.

"Betcha' can't grab it." He teased, his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth.

Just then, a yellow leaf landed on my head. I reached up, taking it off my head and then holding it out in front of Tyler's face, waving it around.

"I don't have to grab it, now! I got a yellow one." I smiled.

He gaped. "There's barely any yellow leaves on this tree! How the heck?!" He looked up again.

 

A blanket of silence fell over us as we sat in the tree, swinging our legs back and forth as the leaves floated down gently around us.

A memory popped in my head.

Tyler asked where my dad was... Maybe I should tell him? But I don't even know where my dad is.. I just know that I never want to see him again.

"H-hey, Tyler?"

He slowly lowered his head and met my eyes, twirling the leaf between his finger and thumb.

"Do you r-remember when you asked where m-my dad was?"

He nodded.

"He-- My dad is a bad guy, Tyler." I hung my head.

"What do you mean, Josh?" His voice was soft and quiet.

"He would-- he beat m-my mom all the time... and- and sometimes he'd hit me." My breath hitched. "I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore."

"Josh.." He started. "Just because your dad is a bad guy doesn't mean I'm going to stop being your friend. And you don't have to tell me if it upsets you... That's why I didn't keep asking about him."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek before wiping the tears away that threatened to spill. "But, I- I want--," my bottom lip quivered. "I wanna talk about him... I n-never get t-to talk about h-h-him."

"You can talk to me about him." Tyler gently placed his hand over mine. "Nothin' you say is gonna change our friendship, Josh. You can talk to me about _anything_. We're best friends, remember?"

I nodded, sniffling.

"Okay," I breathed out. "Okay."

Tyler took his hand off mine and I began to pick at the yellow leaf in my hand, tearing tiny pieces off bit by bit.

"So... my dad is on-- on drugs. H-he's a truck driver an-and he would be gone for- for weeks at a time... sometimes a whole month. When he would come home.. he was always angry. Angry at my mom. O-or sometimes h-he'd be angry at me or Ashley-- or e-even Jordan. And when he's angry, he yells and screams and he hits. We-- We moved h-here because-- Because he was beating Momma so bad- like _really_ bad," I squeezed my eyes shut, my voice coming out strained as I started crying.

Tyler took the stem, that used to be a golden yellow leaf, out of my hand and locked his fingers with mine. "It's okay, Josh." He squeezed my hand. "He's not here. It's just you 'n me. You can tell me."

I nodded, using the sleeve of my coat to wipe my nose.

"He was gonna k-kill my mom. A-and me." I never looked up, I just stared at Tyler's hand that was holding mine. "We had t-to run to th-the neighbor's house. They called the police and-- and took my dad to jail. H-he always gets out quickly though so-- We moved in with my Granny and Grampa. To hide. Momma said he's not allowed to come near my grandparent's house or the police will take him to jail... so- so we're safe but--" I sobbed. "I don't _feel_ safe, Tyler. None of us feel safe."

"Josh.. you're _safe_. He can't get you. I'm so sorry about all that happened to you." Tyler held both of my hands now.

I attempted to swallow the lump that formed in my throat, sniffling. "Ty-Tyler?"

"Yeah, Josh?"

I looked up at Tyler, my watery eyes meeting his. "C-can we go to your house?"

"Of course, Jishwa." He gave me a small smile, squeezing both of my hands gently.

 

We walked to his house, hand in hand, Tyler making jokes the whole way.

He was trying to make me laugh.

It worked.

Especially when he crossed his eyes and threw his arms up in the air, waving them around wildly and jumping from side to side. And when he started singing a Backstreet Boys song in a really low voice.

We were both in tears by the time he opened his front door, laughing with no sound coming out.

"Take your shoes and coat off, Jish." He chuckled, toeing his shoes off and shrugging out of his jacket.

I did the same, making sure the walkie talkie was still in my coat pocket.

We walked to the kitchen, giggling every now and then, swinging our arms back and forth. His mom was standing at the counter, making a sandwich.

"Hey, boys!" She smiled. "I was just making lunch. You like turkey sandwiches, Josh?"

I nodded, giving her a small smile.

"Good!" She grinned, pulling out four more slices of bread. "'Cause that's what's on the menu!"

Tyler grabbed a Capri Sun for us both and we sat down beside each other at the kitchen table. His face was still slightly pink from laughing, a grin on his face as he sipped on his straw.

"So.. Tyler," His mom began, glancing at him as she made lunch. "Did you tell Josh about your birthday?"

He gasped. "Oh yeah!" He turned sideways in his seat to look at me. I mimicked him. "My birthday is on a school day, Monday, so we're gonna have the party on the 29th, Saturday. You can spend the night, if you wanna... I think Mike is.. Jordan _might_."

I nodded excitedly.

"Tyler!" His mother exclaimed, bringing the sandwiches to the table and placing them in front of us. "You left out the best part!"

"Oh!" Tyler smacked himself on the forehead. "We're going to Chuck E. Cheese's!" He grinned.

"What's that?" I asked through a mouthful of turkey sandwich.

His eyes went wide. "You've never been to Chuck E. Cheese's before?"

I shook my head.

"Oh my goodness! You're gonna love it!" He shouted happily. "There's all kinds of games to play and pizza and-and you can win stuff!"

I gasped, a piece of lettuce falling from my mouth.

Tyler told me all about the wonders of Chuck E. Cheese's while we ate our lunch. Then we tried to come up with ideas about what we should do at the sleepover. His mom said she would make us a big breakfast Sunday morning, but we gotta get up early. He told me we could have a Mario Kart tournament and watch movies, which I gladly agreed on.

Before I walked home he also told me I need to bring church clothes...


	32. Floral Ghosts

****

**Ashley's POV**

_ November 27th, 1997 _

Everyone was in the den, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Momma finally set up the crib for Abby, who was sleeping soundly. Marie hasn't left her side since she was placed in her crib, neither has Momma. I'm worried about my mother. Everyone is enjoying the peace of the morning before our family arrives for dinner, but Momma's face shows that she's clearly upset.

She always gets like this around the holidays though. She has this superstition that something bad always happens either during or near a holiday. I don't blame her though. Her younger brother died on Thanksgiving.. he accidentally shot himself. He had went hunting with Daddy and when he was cleaning his gun, he dropped it and it went off, shooting him in the head. Daddy did CPR on him and tried to keep him alive before life flight arrived but he died in the helicopter.

It happened years before Josh was born but I can't see how Grampa, Granny, and Momma aren't thinking about him...

"Ashley, dear, could you move out of the way from the TV?" Grampa asked, before sipping on his coffee.

"Sorry, Grampa." I muttered.

I walked over to the couch where Granny was working on a crossword puzzle, Duchess sitting on the back of the couch behind her. I studied how my grandmother had her legs crossed, one foot tapping at the air, like she had her favorite song playing in her head. She sat her pen down and grabbed her mug of coffee, taking a drink before looking up at me from the brim of her glasses and smiling.

"Well hey there, Pumpkin." She winked. "You wanna help your old Granny out with number 24?"

I nodded, smiling, and scooted closer to her. She wrapped an arm around me and handed me the pen.

"Number 24; 13 letters down.. Hollywood starlit known for being one of the most popular sex symbols of the 1950s... Hmm." I tapped my chin with the end of the pen. "Marilyn Monroe!"

"Yes! Good job, Pumpkin." Granny patted my arm. "You know, I always preferred Elizabeth Taylor. More class... more makeup as well but that was just how it was back then."

"Do I have to wear makeup when I get older, Granny?"

"Baby doll, you don't have to wear makeup ever, if you don't want to." She pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "And don't let _anyone_ tell you any different."

I grinned and leaned into her loving arms. She kissed me on the top of my head before reading off another question.

"Hell's bells!" Grampa shouted. "Barney just got shanked!"

Suddenly, everyone's attention was turned towards the television.

[Watch this.](https://youtu.be/epgXuMB1sF8)

 

Josh was rolling around on the floor laughing, clutching his belly with tears in his eyes. Jordan started crying. Grampa was trying to stifle his laughter. I just shook my head.

"Did you see that?!" Josh yelled through his laughter. "They could barely hang on to the purple bastard!"

"Joshua William! You watch your mouth!" Granny scolded.

Josh sat up, wiping his eyes and chuckling. "Sorry, Granny." He gave a sheepish smile before bursting into another fit of giggles. "But did you hear the way those people screamed!"

I rolled my eyes as he fell back, laughing at the death of Barney, caused from a stab wound by a light post.

"I wonder how many years that light post is gonna get?" Grampa snickered before taking a sip of his coffee.

"Grampa!" Momma scowled, picking up Jordan and holding him on her hip. "Don't encourage him!"

He chortled. "I'm sorry, honey. But at least the kid's got a sense of humor!"

Momma narrowed her eyes and started bouncing Jordan, trying to calm him down. Josh gave Grampa a high five and they both started making jokes. I could practically feel the anger radiate off of my mother. 

I grabbed the TV Guide and searched for something else to watch.

"Hey!" I called out. "Can we watch the Addams Family Values? It's on channel 12!"

"Well, I don't see why not." Grampa picked up the remote and adjusted his glasses.

"Oh c'mon, Ash!" Josh whined. "We've seen that at least a million times!"

"Have not!"

"Have too!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Shup!"

"I don't have to!"

"That's enough!" Momma shouted.

Josh and I fell silent. Grampa switched the channel and sat back in his chair. Granny moved her arm from around me and went back to her crossword puzzle. Momma was about to yell.

"Joshua William Dun, I've had enough of your bullshit. Now, you get upstairs and stay in your room until dinner."

"But Momma, I--"

"But nothin'!" She sat Jordan down in front of the TV and got in Josh's face, pointing a finger at him. "You are to wash up before the family gets here and put on your best outfit. I don't want any funny business, you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am." Josh stood up and rushed out of the den, Berlioz following him.

Momma picked up Abigail. "Now, I have to go change this one's diaper. Ashley, do you think you can watch Jordan until I get back or are we gonna have problems?"

I kept my mouth shut and nodded, scooting off of the couch and sitting on the floor with Jordan.

She huffed and stomped out of the room.

I turned to look at my grandparents to see my grandmother mouth "I'll talk to her later" before she noticed I was looking at her. Granny shook her head and went back to her crossword. Grampa shrugged and grabbed his pipe. I pulled Jordan into my lap and turned back to the movie. Morticia was telling Gomez take his father's eyes out of the baby's mouth.

"Ya know," Grampa mumbled, before taking a big puff from his pipe. "Your Granny and I would watch The Addams Family all the time. Ain't that right, Granny?"

"Yep," Granny tapped her foot. "I've always loved Morticia Addams."

"Uncle Fester was always my favorite!" Grampa chuckled.

"I think Wednesday's my favorite." I said as I watched the girl in the current scene.

I got an idea. 

I smiled to myself as Jordan babbled away in my arms.

A few moments later, Momma walked back into the den, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes as she handed Abigail to Granny.

"Ma, I'm gonna take Jordan up and give him a bath." She picked Jordan up out of my lap. "Abigail's been changed and fed, so you shouldn't have any issues."

And as quick as she arrived, she was gone.

Granny was holding Abby up and talking to her in a baby voice. I turned back to the TV before rolling my eyes.

"I'm gonna go upstairs." I announced as I stood up and made my way for the door.

"Okay, sweet pea. Make sure you're bathed and dressed before 5!" Granny called after.

"'Kay!"

 

I crept up the stairs, unsure if Momma was in the bathroom yet. 

As I neared the top step, I could hear the sound of my mother talking to Jordan over the noise of running bathwater. I walked past the door as silent and as quickly as possible. I ran into my grandparents' room, snagging Granny's scissors off her sewing table then tip toed out of their room and across the hall. I opened Josh's bedroom door. He was laying on his bed, staring at the galaxy painted on his wall.

"Sure, come on in." His words dripping with sarcasm.

I shut the door and padded over to his bed, looking down at him. "I'm sorry, Josh."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "For what?"

"For getting you in trouble."

"Eh," He smirked, rolling his eyes. "Don't worry about it." He sat up and patted a spot next to him on his bed.

I sat down and folded my hands in my lap. "No really, I'm sorry. We need to stick together more than ever now."

"What are you talkin' about, Ash?" He shook his head.

"Josh?" I turned my head towards him, he tilted his head. "The baby weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?"

He lowered his head and grinned before looking back at me. "I'm still on fractions."

I smirked, raising my eyebrows. "Which do you _think_?"

"The cannonball?" He played along.

"Very good. But which one will bounce?"

"The baby?" He raised an eyebrow.

I grinned. "There's only one way to find out."

Josh laughed, nudging my arm. "So, what's your plan?"

I scooted closer to him on the bed. "Okay, so I saw Granny tell Grampa that she would talk to Momma later tonight." I whispered. "That means, she's going to wait until everyone has left."

"And?"

I scoffed. "And! She's probably going to ask her about the doctor appointment. Duh!"

"Ohh!" Josh scratched his chin. "I'm still lost."

I rolled my eyes. "You know the drapes Granny made? The ones over the window in Momma's bedroom?"

"Yeah.." He squinted his eyes. "But what does--"

I pulled out the pair of scissors I was hiding in waistband of my pajama pants, showing them to Josh.

"How'd you get those?! And what are you gonna do with 'em?" He harshly whispered.

"She still has some fabric leftover." I smiled. "You're the only one that knows how to sew, so I'm going to make a distraction at dinner. That way you can go upstairs and make our disguises."

"What disguises, Ashley?"

"Jesus, Josh!" I scoffed. "All we need is something that covers us from our head to our toes."

He nodded.

"Be sure to put in holes for the eyes, though."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't my best chapter but I've been going through a lot, lately. And I had to find a way to set up the next chapter... which should be pretty eventful.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading this. And thank you for commenting and leaving kudos.
> 
> I hope you're all doing okay and you're safe. <3


	33. Fowl Language

****

**Ashley's POV**

"Ashley!" I heard Granny call from the kitchen. "Can you get the door?"

"Yes!" I ran from the dining room where I was setting the table and slid to a stop at the front door. I opened the door to be greeted by Granny's sister, Peggy and her husband "Uncle Charles".

"Hey!" Aunt Peggy's shrill voice echoed in my ears. "Oh my goodness! You've grown _so much_!"

"Well, that's what happens with children, Peg." Uncle Charles' low and gruff voice mocked.

"Oh shup, Charles!" Aunt Peggy smacked Uncle Charles on the arm and handed me two of the many tinfoil covered dishes she had brought. "Can you carry these in, honey?"

"Yep." I struggled with shutting the door as Aunt Peggy and Uncle Charles walked in, making their way into the kitchen, carrying at least four casserole dishes each.

I followed them into the kitchen, sliding on the wooden floor, the feet of my pantyhose snagging on the small pieces raised of wood.

"Barb!" Aunt Peggy called, setting the dishes on the kitchen table. "We're here!"

Granny walked away from the kitchen counter, gravy dish and a bowl of mashed potatoes in her hands. "It's about time y'all got here. I was beginnin' to think you weren't comin'."

"Oh bullshit. You know I've been cookin' my ass off for the past two days." Aunt Peggy laughed, taking the two dishes out of my arms. "Thank you, honey."

I nodded and slid my way farther into the kitchen where Grampa was slicing up the ham. I climbed onto one of the bar stools, swinging my feet back and forth. "Aunt Peggy and Uncle Charles are here."

Grampa chortled. "I _heard_." He stopped slicing and covered his ears, making a funny face.

I giggled and leaned forward. "Need any help, Grampa?"

"I think I got 'er handled, kiddo." He smiled, setting down the electric knife and putting the ham back in the oven to keep warm. "I gotta go out back and check on the turkey." He winked before disappearing through the back door.

Granny and Aunt Peggy walked in, arguing about dressings. I rolled my eyes and hopped off the bar stool, sliding back into the dining room.

"C'mere and see your ole Uncle Charles!" He shouted from the living room, where he was sitting on the love seat.

I gave him a tight lipped smile and climbed onto his lap. He squeezed me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, chuckling. "Missed ya, sweet pea!" He yelled.

"Uncle Charles, did you forget to wear your hearing aids?" I giggled, slightly wincing at his booming voice.

"Shh! Don't tell your Aunt Peg, or she'll hang me from the clothesline when we get home!" He whispered in my ear.

I snickered, shaking my head as he bounced me along to the music coming from the stereo.

Just then, Jordan ran through the living room, chasing Toulouse into the den with Momma following after him, carrying his pants. "Jordan, get your butt back here!"

"I see you-ins have got yourself some kitty cats!" Uncle Charles chuckled, O'Malley rubbing against his leg. "Who's this fella, here?"

"That's Thomas O'Malley!"

"O'Malley?! In the flesh!" He laughed. "Didya get the whole gang, kiddo?"

"Yep!"

Just as Momma came back in, holding Jordan who now had his pants on, rapid knocking was heard from the front door. "Ashley, will you get that?"

 

I nodded, sliding off of Uncle Charles' lap and shuffled to the front door, opening it to reveal Aunt Teresa, Momma's sister, Uncle John and their two boys, David and Johnathan.

"Hi!" Aunt Teresa's earsplitting voice rang out. "Oh my goodness! You've gotten so big! Here, sweetie, take these plates. Now, be careful with 'em. I tried to keep 'em hot but it took so long to get here, ya know how far away we live n' all." She rushed out, her words running together.

I grabbed the two plates, David and Jonathan pushing past everyone and running off somewhere. "Boys! No running!" Aunt Teresa yelled before lumbering through the front door, three dishes in her arms. " _Oh my goodness_ , it's so cold out there!"

"Hey, kid." Uncle John smiled, ruffling my hair and walking in with absolutely nothing in his hands.

I blinked, already fed up with this holiday. I kicked the front door closed and walked into the kitchen, carefully setting the plates on the kitchen table, that was already overflowing with food. Aunt Teresa was talking to Aunt Peggy and Granny about the weather. Well, yelling about it.

"Damn!" Uncle John shouted. "Y'all got enough food to feed an army!"

"Oh shut up, John!" Aunt Teresa scolded. "Don't start about the damn army."

Uncle John is a recruiter for the army. It's all he ever talks about. Well, that and football.

I quickly slipped out of the kitchen, rushing back to the living room where Uncle Charles and Momma were talking. Jordan was sitting on the floor, playing with Toulouse. David had Jonathan in a headlock, hitting him with his own hand.

I sat on the floor next to Jordan, O'Malley coming up to me to sit in my lap.

"So where is that baby!" Uncle Charles shouted. "Haven't seen her since she was born!"

Momma sighed. "She's upstairs, asleep in her crib. That girl could sleep through a hurricane." She glanced down at me. "Ashley, get off the floor! You'll get your dress dirty."

"Yes, Momma." I muttered, standing up and walking to the stairs.

 

 

I knocked on Josh's door. He opened it within a second, flushed and buttoning his dress shirt.

"Everyone's here and downstairs. Now's your chance." I whispered.

He nodded and walked into our grandparent's room, his dress shoes softly thudding against the wood floor. I followed him in and went to the closet, pulling out the extra fabric. I placed the soft floral material next to the sewing machine, Josh taking the measuring tape out of a drawer.

"How tall are you, Ash?" He asked, straightening the tape and coming close to me.

"I dunno." I shrugged.

He measured me, sighing, then sat at the sewing table beginning on our disguises. I peered over his shoulder, watching him smooth out the fabric and drawing lines with a chalk pencil.

"What're you doin'?! Get out of here and go back downstairs!" He harshly whispered.

I rolled my eyes and left the room, padding down the hallway and hopping down the stairs.

Of course, someone knocked on the front door as soon as my feet touched the bottom step. I sighed and made my way towards the door, opening it and being greeted by Uncle Paul, Momma's brother, and his boyfriend, Uncle Jacob. Uncle Paul rushed forward and picked me up, waltzing in the house and spinning me around.

"Hey there, sweetie pie!" He chuckled, placing me back on my feet then smoothing out my hair. "Your hair has gotten so long! _And your dress_! My goodness!" He grinned, looking back at Uncle Jacob who was smiling as he shut the front door and took off his coat.

"I must say, Miss Ashley, you look mighty pretty this fine day!" Uncle Paul smiled, using a fake southern accent.

I tried my best to copy his accent. "Why thank ya, Uncle Paul! You and your suitor look awfully handsome!"

"Well, we tried real hard just for you, Miss Ashley." He chuckled, standing to take his coat off.

I curtsied as Uncle Jacob took off his hat and bowed.

I ran off into the living room, giggling. "Momma!" I tugged at her hand. "Uncle Paul and Uncle Jacob are here!"

Momma lit up as they walked into the room. She stood up, rushing to hug her brother.

"Oh! I missed you so much, Paul!" She beamed.

"I missed you too, Laura." He grinned.

I couldn't help the smile on my face as I watched my mother chat happily with Uncle Paul. 

 

 

We were all seated at the dining room table, everyone piling food on their plates. There was so much food that the kitchen and the kitchen table was full of food as well. 

I leaned over to Josh, whispering in his ear, "Is _part one_ of the plan in motion?"

He nodded, scooping green beans onto his plate then leaning in to whisper back, "Almost. You still need to make a distraction."

I curtly nodded and started eating my food as quickly as possible.

"So how're you kids likin' your new school?" Aunt Peggy asked, buttering a roll.

"S'good." I said, my mouth full of food. "The teachers aren't as intelligent as I'd like.. and the cafeteria food is _terrible_ , but 'sides that it's going well."

Everyone snickered at me. I shoveled more food in my mouth, not getting the joke.

"Well," Uncle Charles started, pouring more gravy on just about everything he had on his plate. "I'm glad you kids are enjoyin' school. It's important to have an education in this day."

"That's right!" Aunt Peggy nodded. "Laura, have you started saving for their college tuition? You can't make it in this world without a college education. Things aren't the way they used to be, ya know."

Momma sighed as Granny rolled her eyes at Aunt Peggy.

"Peg, we've got that covered." Grampa spoke up.

"In other words," Granny narrowed her eyes at Aunt Peggy. "Mind your own business, Peg."

"I'm just sayin'!" Aunt Peggy shouted before licking butter off of her thumb.

Josh and I looked at each other, grimacing.

"So Paul," Aunt Teresa started, chewing her food noisily. "When are you and Jacob getting married? Oh! That's right, I plum forgot." She laughed to herself. "You _can't_."

" _Teresa Lynn!_ " Granny scolded, stabbing a piece of ham.

"What?! It's the God's honest truth!" She grinned, picking up her glass of Sprite. "And it ain't right."

"Only time will tell, my dear sister." Uncle Paul smiled. "When are you gonna tell Mom and Dad that John moved out?"

Aunt Teresa choked on her pop.

"What?!" Aunt Peggy, Uncle Charles, and Granny chorused.

"Since when?" Momma asked.

"It's none of your business!" Aunt Teresa shouted, still coughing. "Paul, you know, you should go get tested at the clinic. You can never be too careful. AIDS is still a thing."

"Why don't you go on a diet, you fat hag?!" Uncle Paul yelled.

I quickly whispered in Josh's ear, "I think you have a distraction. Go!" 

He slid out of his chair, slipping away from the table and disappearing out of the room. 

Aunt Teresa gasped. "Why don't you find a nice girl instead of being a fruit loop?!

"Enough!" Granny's voice boomed. "I will not have this bullshit! Not today!"

Everyone at the table fell silent, clearing their throats.

" _Now_ ," Granny began, stabbing another piece of ham and placing it on her plate. "I think it would be best if everyone just shup and eat your goddamn food."

And so we did.

Then the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" I yelled, jumping out of my seat and running to the phone.

 

I picked up the receiver, "Hello?"

"Sissy! Is that you?" My father's voice rang in my ear.

Time seemed to stop and the world around me started to spin. I couldn't breathe.

"Sis?"

I dropped the receiver, it falling to the floor making a clunk noise.

I ran into the dining room, standing in the doorway.

"Well, who was it?" Granny asked.

I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat and speak.

I looked at Momma. "I-It's Daddy."

Her smile fell and her face paled. She stood, her chair scraping against the wood floor, and stomped to the phone.

I followed her, holding onto the railing of the stairs, feeling lightheaded.

"How did you get this number?!" Her voice laced with malice. "Never call here _ever_ again, you son of a bitch!"

She slammed the receiver against the wall repeatedly, smashing it into pieces.

I watched her fall apart within seconds, sliding down onto the floor and placing her head in her hands. I padded over to her and sat down beside her, trying to hug her from the position she was in. She sobbed and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into her lap and rocking me back and forth.

Momma was right; something bad always happens on a holiday.

 

 

By the end of the night, when everyone went home and the leftovers were crammed in the fridge, Josh and I were putting part two of the plan in motion. 

We were in Momma's room, standing in front of the drapes, camouflaged in floral.

"How long do we have to stand here?" Josh whispered.

"Shh!"

A few moments later, Granny and Momma walked in the room, Momma holding a near empty bottle of wine, plopping down on the bed and Granny shutting the door.

Josh and I held our breath.

"Now," Granny sat down beside Momma. "You're gonna tell me what's goin' on with you."

"Oh, Ma, there's nothing goin' on." Momma slurred. "That bastard just _had_ to call."

"I'm not talkin' about him. Even though you broke my phone."

Momma took a long drink, before giggling to herself. "He was gonna call again. I had to."

"Laura," Granny took the bottle from Momma. "What happened at the doctor?"

Momma hung her head, sniffling. "They don't know what's wrong with me, Mama."

Granny began rubbing her back. "Then what's with all them pills they gave you?"

"They're for the--" Momma sobbed. "For the pain."

"And the nerve pills?"

Momma scoffed. "For nerves, of course! I'm about to pull my hair out with these kids."

Granny glanced over to the window. "Don't talk like that. Those kids are worried sick about you."

" _I know_." Momma sighed out. "I know, Ma."

"Why did he put you on antidepressants? He's not a psychiatrist." Granny pressed.

" _Because_ ," Momma drawled out. "I'm depressed! My life is a mess! I've got four kids to take care of and I live with my parents, for Christ's sake!"

Granny brushed the hair out of Momma's eyes. "Ain't nothin' wrong with that. And you're not takin' care of 'em all by yourself. You got me and your Daddy."

"I know... and I'm so grateful for you two, but I just--" She sobbed. "I just feel so pathetic, Mama."

Granny pulled her into a hug, stroking her hair and shushing her as she cried.

 

After Granny put Momma to bed and checked on Abigail, she hesitated at the door before shutting it. "Make sure you shut this door." She whispered, lightly chuckling.


	34. Rubatosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _n._ the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, **_I'm here, I'm here, I'm here._**

****

**Josh's POV**

_ November 29th, 1997 _

When my mom yelled that Tyler's mom pulled in the driveway I ran down the stairs to the front door, eager to see Tyler. Seeing him practically hanging out of the passenger window, rosy cheeks and his dimples framing his grin, waving at me enthusiastically, I was thrilled. I almost leaped into the van.

Now that we're in Chuck E. Cheese's and there are hundreds of children running around screaming, I kind of wish I had stayed home.

Tyler, me, his family and about twenty of his friends all sat at a huge table. Tyler demanded that I sit beside him, his brother sitting on the other side. I was trying to catch my breath when Chuck himself came strolling over holding a paper crown. He stood behind us and placed the crown on Tyler's head, who giggled and glanced over to me, a huge grin on his face. Suddenly, I could breathe.

"Isn't this fun, Jish?!" He shouted.

I nodded for his sake.

Soon, Mrs. Joseph brought out the cake and everyone was singing happy birthday, including me. His blushing smile was enough to make me forget about being nervous around crowds of people. If he was happy, that's all that mattered.

We were munching on probably our eighth slice of pizza when it was announced that it's time to open presents. Plates were pushed aside as everyone gathered around Tyler, placing their gifts in front of him on the table. He squealed in delight as he opened a Spider-Man Web Blaster, Sony PlayStation, a new Nerf gun, and Hot Wheels. I could only gulp and hope that he likes my gift. After Mike explained how to use the Tamagotchi he gave him, Tyler grabbed my present for him as he grinned at me from ear to ear.

I gave a tight-lipped smile as he tore off the bright red wrapping paper and opened the box. His smiled dropped as he pulled out the blue ski mask and scarf that Granny showed me how to knit. She insisted it was a practical and thoughtful gift. He snapped his head over to me, eyes wide with an emotion I couldn't place.

"Josh!" He gasped. "Did you make these?"

My face flushed as I nodded, feeling everyone's eyes on me.

He pulled me into a hug, mask and scarf still tightly clutched in his hands. "That's so cool! Thank you!"

It felt like a train hit me as I hugged him back, all the negative emotions crumbling off my shoulders like a building falling down.

"You're welcome!" I grinned as he pulled away, shoving the paper crown off his head and pulling on the ski mask.

"I feel like Spider-Man!" He giggled.

I couldn't help but laugh, too.

Mrs. Joseph placed her hand on my shoulder and leaned down so I could hear her. "That's really nice of you, Josh! Really special!"

Tyler's grandpa clapped him on the back, chuckling, "Just don't go robbin' any banks, kid!"

"You got it Grandpa!" Tyler smiled up at him before looking back at me. "Jish, you wanna go in the ball pit?!"

"Yeah!"

 

We jumped out of our seats and ran towards the slides and tunnels.

"Follow me, Jishwa!" Tyler yelled, mask still on and climbing through the maze of bright neon plastic tubes.

We crawled on our hands and knees, giggling the whole time, until we stopped in a tunnel that had a glass bubble window on the side. Tyler and I looked out of the window, awing at the sight of all the games and activities. 

"Look!" Tyler pointed to a big yellow slide hovering just above the ball pit. "We're almost there!"

We continued our journey, Mike and Jordan quickly catching up to us, sending a rush of adrenaline through our veins.

"Hurry Jish!" Tyler giggled. "Before they catch us!"

I giggled as we crawled faster, our sneakers squeaking against the plastic. It felt like Tyler and I _had_ robbed a bank and Mike and Jordan were the cops trying to catch us.

For the first time in a while, I was having fun.

_I finally felt like a kid._

Tyler halted his movements, grabbing my hand and grinning behind his mask. "Here it is! Are you ready?!"

I nodded as he scooted on his butt, hands placed beside him as he prepared for his decent. He slid down the yellow slide, disappearing into the depths of yellow, red, and blue. I watched his head pop up not a second later as he peeked up the slide.

"C'mon, Jishwa!" He shouted happily, then he was gone.

I scooted forward and let myself fall into the heap of colors, erupting into a fit of giggles as I shot back up, being met with Tyler's red face. He was cackling, pushing through the tiny colorful globes, the rustling noise of the plastic sounding throughout the room.

"You wanna go again?!" He yelled over the other kids.

I nodded enthusiastically as we watched Mike and Jordan throw balls at each other.

 

We played in the ball pit until we were met with our next mission: collect as many tickets as possible.

All of us ran to the arcade, scattering in opposite directions. I found myself playing Skee-Ball next to Tyler, tickets already accumulated and hanging out of our pockets.

"Josh!"

I whipped around, Skee-Ball in hand, at the familiar voice calling out my name. I was met with my cousin, Noah. The sick grin I grew to hate plastered on his face.

"What are you doing here?" He shouted, walking closer to me.

"I-I-- My friend's b-birthday-" I stuttered.

"M-My f-f-f-friend's b-b-birthday," He mocked, snatching my tickets out of my pocket.

"Hey!" Tyler yelled at him. "Give those back!"

"Who are you?" Noah asked, unimpressed.

"I'm his best friend! Give 'em back, before I deck you!" He yelled, stepping closer to Noah.

"Fuck off, nerd!" Noah snickered.

Tyler gasped, pushing his mask up, mouth agape and eyes wide. He grabbed the tickets from Noah and shoved him back. "Leave my friend alone and go away, you mouth breather!"

Tyler took my hand and led me away from Noah, who we left standing there frozen, shock written on his face.

"C'mon, Jish. He's an idiot." Tyler squeezed my hand, leading me to the Whack-a-Mole table.

I couldn't help the grin on my face as he handed me a mallet before picking up his own. He pushed tokens into the slots before slamming the mallet down on one of the plastic moles, an angry pout on his face. We bounced our rubber mallets off the moles until our enraged shouts turned into elated chuckles, grins stretched across our faces.

 

After a round of basketball with Tyler, shooting dinosaurs and racing animated cars we ran to the prize counter, handing our tickets over to be counted. We bounced back and forth on our feet with anticipation before the man told us we had over 4,000 tickets combined. We decided to split them.

"Holy cow, Jish!" Tyler exclaimed, mouth agape and eyes full of surprise. "You pick first!"

"No way! It's your birthday!" I shook my head.

He nodded before looking over all the prizes. "I want the green alien!"

"You got the last one, kid!" The man shouted.

Tyler jumped up and down, grinning, as the man grabbed the alien and handed it over the counter. 

I forced a smiled as I stepped up to the counter, examining the prizes. I wanted that alien. I pushed away my disappointment. It's Tyler's birthday, I should be happy for him.

My eyes darted back and forth, the man tapping his fingers against the glass counter as he waited for me to make my decision. I ended up choosing a soccer ball and plastic Mario figurine. As Tyler and I walked back to our table, he grabbed my hand and stopped me. I tilted my head in confusion before he held the inflated alien out to me.

"Here, Jishwa." He smiled.

"What? No-I-I-- That's yours!"

He shook his head. "I got it for you! You can hang it next to your galaxy wall!"

I opened my mouth in shock, shaking my head. "Take this!" I held the Mario figurine out to him.

"But you chose that!"

"But you love Mario!" I laughed.

Tyler erupted into a fit of giggles, his shoulders shaking, as he took the figurine and handed me the alien. The grins never left our faces as we walked towards the rest of the group.

On the way to Tyler's house, he turned around in his seat to face me, the grin still etched on his face. "Did you have fun?"

"It was everything you said and more." I nodded, my cheeks hurting from smiling so much. "Happy Birthday, Ty."

"Thanks, Jishwa." He replied before turning back around and letting out a content sigh.

 

I'm really glad that I didn't stay home.


	35. Ambedo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _n_. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details-raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee-which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life, a mood whose only known cure is the vuvuzela.

**Tyler's POV**

Jordan, Mike, Josh and I were sitting in the basement, dressed in our pajamas and giggling at Mike who was trying to fit fifty marshmallows in his mouth.

"Mike! You can't do it!" I laughed, wiping tears from my eyes. "It's impossible!"

"I can do it!" He mumbled.

"44, 45, 46," Josh, Jordan and I counted. "47, 48..." Mike coughed.

"Don't cough! You'll explode!" Josh cackled.

When Mike shoved the last marshmallow in his mouth we all shot up, raising our fists in the air and cheering.

"Now eat 'em!" Jordan shouted.

We all burst into a fit of giggles as we watched Mike attempt eating the mouthful of sugary sweetness. He struggled a bit, coughing a few times but he managed to swallow them. He opened his mouth wide and started laughing hysterically.

"I told you!" He chuckled. "Hey! Jordan and Josh should have their Mario Kart tournament!"

"Yeah! I'll go get it." I ran upstairs to get the Nintendo 64.

When I passed through the kitchen and shuffled into the living room, my mom grinned at me and paused the movie she and my dad were watching.

"Whatcha doing, Tyler?"

"Jordan and Josh are going to have a Mario Kart tournament!" I smiled as I gathered up the console and controllers; the game was already in the console.

My dad chortled. "Are you havin' fun, kiddo?"

"Oh yeah!" I nodded as I walked out of the living room, my arms full.

I carefully made my way down the stairs, trying not to drop anything or fall. When my feet touched the basement floor I let out a sigh of relief. Mike and Jordan were wrestling while Josh was watching them, shaking his head with a grin.

"Guys!" I giggled. "Can you move outta the way? I gotta set this up."

They stopped rolling around on the floor and got up, grabbing the beanbag chairs and plopping them next to each other in front of the television. Josh and Jordan sat in the middle while I sat next to Josh and Mike sat beside Jordan. I handed the red controller to Josh, smirking, and gave Jordan the plain grey one.

"Of course he gets the red controller." Jordan muttered, rolling his eyes as I turned the console on, switching the TV channel to three.

"Oh, suck it up, Jordan." Mike chuckled.

"Yeah," Josh snickered. "If you're as good as you say, the controller shouldn't matter."

"Keep it up, Dun." Jordan smirked. "We'll see if you're still talking trash when I wipe the floor with you."

Josh shook his head as he pressed start and they began to choose their characters. Josh chose Bowser and Jordan chose Princess Peach.

"Good choice." I whispered in Josh's ear. He nodded, smiling.

"Princess Peach?!" Mike started laughing at Jordan. "Oh my God, are you serious?"

"Everyone knows that Princess Peach is the best!" Jordan defended as we all giggled. "She is _not_ a damsel in distress, okay? She has the best handling and her acceleration is out of this world!"

Josh snorted while Mike and I died laughing, clutching our bellies. "Bowser is the fastest to reach top speeds, and even hits full flight quicker than lightweights like your precious Peach _and_ Toad. Plus, everyone knows Bowser's best asset is his weight. Wario and Donkey Kong ain't got nothin' on him; he can _wreak_ the other racers, intentionally or not, and adding that to his speed makes him invincible!"

"Wow, Josh." I smiled. "You really know your stuff."

"I told you." He grinned as the racers lined up, waiting for the countdown. "I win every time I play."

"Oooh!" Mike chuckled. "You gotta play against Tyler before you claim that title."

"You're on, Joseph." Josh snickered as Bowser shot forward, passing the other racers.

 

Josh won. 10 rounds.

Mike and I were dying laughing as Jordan tossed the controller and placed his head in his hands.

Josh just shook his head, snickering at Jordan's momentary existential crisis.

"I can't believe I lost to Dun." Jordan sighed.

"I told you so." Josh sang out, grinning.

"I'm going to bed." Jordan declared, standing up and walking to his sleeping bag.

"Aww! Is the baby gonna cry?" Mike laughed.

"Shut up, Mike!"

As Jordan slipped into his sleeping bag, I got up and sat in his seat next to Josh, picking up the grey controller.

"Wanna see if you can beat me on Rainbow Road?" I smirked at Josh.

"Let's go, Joseph." He smiled.

Just then, Zack plopped down in the seat next to Josh, holding his pillow.

I paused the game. "What are you doing down here, Zack? You're supposed to be sleeping?"

"I had a nightmare about Mr. Munch from Chuck E Cheese's." Zack shrugged. "Mom said I could hang out with you guys and sleep down here."

"Fine." I sighed, rolling my eyes and pressing start.

"Wanna draw on his face when he falls asleep?" Mike whispered.

"Definitely." I nodded, grinning.

 

Josh sat the controller down by his feet. "Okay... How in the heck are you doing that? What's the secret?"

"There's a shortcut." I giggled.

"Where?!" He gaped.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." I nudged his shoulder with mine. "Maybe someday, Dun."

He laughed, shaking his head. "You're a turd, Joseph."

I chuckled and turned the console off. "You guys wanna watch a movie?"

"Yeah!" Zack shouted. "Can we watch Air Bud?!"

"No," I stood up, going to the stairs to go up to living room and grab movies. "We're going to watch Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura one and two, The Mask, Liar Liar, Good Burger, _then_ we might watch Air Bud."

"Aw, man." Zack pouted as I walked upstairs.

I shut the basement door quietly, noticing all the lights were off except the one over the stove. The clock on the microwave read 9:15 PM. I tiptoed into the living room and turned on the lamp that was near the TV. I opened the movie case and sorted through movies before finding the ones I wanted and shutting the light off, padding over to the fridge. I grabbed Capri Suns and the leftover brownies my mom had made then walked back to the basement door, shutting it softly behind me.

"Mike!" I harshly whispered from the top step. "Turn on the lamps!"

"'Kay! They're on!" He whispered back after a moment.

I flipped the main light switch off and carefully descended down the stairs, my arms full of movies and treats. I padded over to the TV, motioning to Mike to grab the drinks and snacks. I dumped the movies on my beanbag as Mike handed everyone a drink and placed the brownies in front of us. I picked up Dumb and Dumber, grinning, and opened the case before pushing the movie into the VCR.

"Have you ever seen this movie, Jishwa?" I whispered as I moved the movies out of my seat and plopped down beside him, grabbing my drink.

"It's my favorite movie!" He smiled, taking a sip before stacking all the movies by order.

"Mine too!" I giggled.

 

Josh and I sang along to Lloyd and Harry singing 'Mockingbird', we all died laughing during Ace Ventura one and two, almost choked on the brownies watching The Mask, cringed at Fletcher and Mrs. Cole having sex during Liar Liar, and by the time I put in Good Burger, Zack had fallen asleep.

"Mike," I whispered, trying to contain my laughter. "Go get the markers."

He nodded enthusiastically, standing up and walking to his bag, grabbing the markers then shuffling back over. He handed a marker to me and Josh before all three of us surrounded my brother, uncapping the markers and drawing on his face. I wrote 'turd' on his forehead, backwards so he could read it in the mirror, Josh gave him cat whiskers and a nose, while Mike put a badly drawn penis on his face.

"Dude," I gaped at Mike, wide eyed. "My mom is going to flip out!"

"Relax, Tyler." He giggled, taking the markers from me and Josh then putting them back in his bag before plopping back down beside me. "I'll just say I did it all."

"You know you're not gonna be able to come over for like.. a month, right?" I snickered.

Mike shrugged, a smile on his face. "A month will fly by sooner than you think."

I rolled my eyes as we all got comfy in our beanbag chairs, laughing at a customer yelling at Ed for only giving him a bun instead of a burger.

"When we get older," I leaned over to Josh, whispering. "we should work at McDonald's and say lines from Good Burger all the time."

"Dude, yes!" He gave me a high five, grinning.

When the credits rolled, I looked over at Mike who had fallen asleep with pieces of brownie on his chest. I snorted and tapped Josh's arm before pointing at Mike. He cackled and clapped his hands together, tossing his head back.

"Are you tired?" I whispered.

"A little." Josh whispered back. "Are you?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Do you wanna leave these dorks down here and go sleep in my room? You can sleep in Zack's bed."

He nodded, giggling.

I grinned and turned off the TV. We tiptoed past everyone and tried to walk upstairs as quietly as possible. I snickered as I shut the basement door. Josh and I dashed through the kitchen and the living room, quietly giggling at each other then sneaked up the stairs and into my room. Josh padded over to Zack's bed and pulled the covers back. As I was about to get in my comfy bed, Josh gasped. I turned around and saw him looking out of the window, his face and hands pressed against the glass.

"Ty, it's snowing." He whispered.

I rushed over to him and pressed my face against the glass. We watched small fluffy snowflakes glide through the air, landing gently on the ground that was already covered in a blanket of glittering snow, the bright moonlight illuminating everything it touched.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Josh breathed out.

I glanced over at him, smiling at the complete awe that shone through his eyes before looking back out of the window. "Yeah." My smile grew. "I hope it snows for days."

"If it does, and we get to stay home from school, do you wanna hang out and play?" He asked, his voice barely over a whisper.

"Yeah." I giggled. "We can go sledding and make a snowman."

"I-I don't have a sled." He frowned.

"We have an extra one, don't worry Jish." I nudged his shoulder, still entranced by the falling snow.

After watching the snow float through the air for a while, we decided to get into bed, snuggling under the blankets. I laid in bed, gazing at the window, the gears in my head whirring, the persistent thought pecking at the back of my mind like it does every night; why are people so mean to each other?

Why was that kid messing with Josh? Why do people pick on him? He's such a nice, caring and understanding person.. he's been through so much, he doesn't deserve that. He's so sad all the time... I'm glad he had fun today. He needed it. I wish I could always be there to protect him. It exhausts me with how shitty people can be to each other.

I looked away from the window, staring up at my ceiling, as if it could give me an answer to all my questions. As if it would spell it out on the surface above my head, the words lighting up like a neon sign, an arrow pointing to the answer.

I suddenly felt like someone was watching me. I slowly turned my head to look at Josh, hoping he was awake and looking at me. I was met with a shadowy figure lurking in the corner of my room. Its glowing red eyes staring back at me, making the air in my lungs catch in my throat, a surge of panic flowing through my veins. I couldn't look away. I couldn't blink. I couldn't breathe.

It felt as if the room was spinning, my vision fixed on its looming form. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't get the words to come out. My voice cracked as I tried to call for Josh, his name coming out as a choking noise. I tried and tried again as the figure moved closer. I could hear its unnerving snicker. I whimpered.

"Ty?" Josh whispered. "Are you okay?"

The shadow vanished. I shook my head frantically, tears running down my cheeks. Josh got out of bed and rushed to my side. He placed his hands on both sides of my face, stopping my head from moving back and forth.

"Hey, it's okay. Breathe Ty." He whispered, his eyes wide and full of concern.

I gasped for air, wishing the weight on my chest would disappear. Josh sat on my bed beside me, grabbing my hands that were gripping the edge of the blanket.

"Breathe, Ty." He encouraged. "In," he breathed in, placing one of my hands on his chest. "and out." He exhaled slowly.

I tried to match my breaths with his, sniffling. "W-Will y-y-you sleep next t-to me?"

He nodded, standing up as I scooted over and made room for him to slip into bed. He turned on his side as I curled into his chest, his arms wrapped around my shaking frame.

"It's okay, Ty." He soothed, running his fingers through my hair. "You're not alone."

"I-I saw h-him, Josh." I muttered, my voice muffled against his shirt. "He-- He was i-in the corner. His eyes w-were glowing a-and he-- he was coming closer t-to me. He was going to get me, Josh."

"He's not real, Ty. It'll be okay." Josh whispered, hugging me closer. "He can't get you. He's not there."

I nodded, wrapping my arms around him, sniffling.

Josh hushed me and held me until my puffy eyes finally closed, my shallow breaths evening out as I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read this. It has reached 500 hits and I'm shocked. I never thought that many people would read this or even look at it. Or even like it, really. I'm honestly so happy right now. 
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to give a shout out to my biggest fan @joshyoureoutoftheband lol  
> I hope everyone is doing okay <3


	36. Pins and Needles

****

**Josh's POV**

_November 30th, 1997_

"Tyler Robert Joseph, get your butt out of that bed and over here. Now." I heard Mr. Joseph harshly whisper.

I chose to keep my eyes closed and pretend I was still asleep as Tyler crawled out of bed. I heard his retreating footsteps then the door shutting softly. Their voices were muffled but I could just barely make out what his father was saying.

"What were you doing in bed with that boy?" His father's gruff voice was low and intimidating. He's mad.

"Dad, we were just sleeping. I-I--"

"Don't lie to me, boy."

"I'm not lying!"

"Don't raise your voice to me! Now tell me what you were doing." His father demanded.

"I had a bad dream. I-I asked Josh to sleep next t-to me." Tyler sobbed. "That's it."

There was a long pause and I could imagine Tyler's father staring at him, his dark eyes searching his for any indication that he was lying.

"Go downstairs." I heard shuffling. "You're mother wants to speak to you."

I gulped, remembering drawing on Zack last night.

I slipped out of bed, going to the bathroom connected to Tyler's room. I flicked the light on, padding over to the sink and looking in the mirror. Why is Mr. Joseph so angry?

 

On my way downstairs, I could hear Mrs. Joseph's voice speaking sternly to Tyler over the sound of utensils clanging and scraping against plates. I shuffled into the kitchen, taking a seat beside Jordan at the table.

"Josh," Mrs. Joseph glanced at me. "I made pancakes, go ahead and get as many as you'd like."

I nodded, filling up my plate as she placed a glass of orange juice in front of me.

"Thank you, Mrs. Joseph." My voice was barely over a whisper.

"Oh please," She guffawed. "Call me Kelly, dear."

I nodded again, pouring syrup on my pancakes before eating as quickly as possible. I don't like the tension in the air and Tyler's dad was nowhere to be seen. Tyler hasn't even looked at me. In fact.. no one has. What happened?

Mrs. Joseph cleared her throat after a few minutes of silent eating. "So, Josh." I stopped eating and looked up at her, giving my full attention. "Did you know that Michael used a permanent marker to draw on Zack's face?"

My jaw dropped as I looked around the table, noticing everyone trying to contain their laughter.

"I honestly had no idea, Mrs. Jo-- Kelly."

She sighed. "That's alright, Josh. None of them, including Michael, knew either." She narrowed her eyes at Mike before turning her attention to Zack. "Go on, Zack. Go upstairs and get dressed so I can cover that up. Church starts in an hour."

Zack rolled his eyes and begrudgingly got out of his seat, making his way upstairs.

"M-Mrs. J-- Kelly," I mumbled. She looked at me expectantly. "I-I don't have a Bible."

Her eyes softened and a small smile graced her lips. "That's okay, honey. We have extras. You can keep it."

"Are you really gonna put makeup on Zack, Mom?" Tyler asked peering up at her before quickly ducking his head back down.

"Well, now I _have to_." She scowled. "I'm not about to explain to Pastor Jeff why my son has a- a penis on his face. Plus, the last thing I need is to hear the flock of old women complain about it throughout Bible study."

Mike snickered before all of us accidentally let out a laugh, quickly slapping a hand over our mouths.

"Alright!" Mrs. Joseph raised her voice. "The rest of you go get dressed. I've had it."

Everyone scrambled out of their seats, racing down the stairs to the basement, grabbing their bags and taking out their church clothes.

"I can't believe you drew a penis on my brother's face with a _Sharpie_." Tyler shook his head.

"I can't believe your parents banned me from coming over for _two months_!" Mike laughed.

 

 

When we walked into the church, all of us dressed in our Sunday best, the tension that had built up in the van finally dissipated. It was still snowing.

"Okay boys," Mrs. Joseph turned to us. "You know the drill. You'll meet us back in the chapel after Bible study."

Tyler nodded and motioned for us to follow him into a hallway, tagging along with the other kids walking to bible study. We were met with a man that had a grey suit on, holding his arm out and welcoming us. His smile threatened to grow off of his face when he saw me.

"Looks like we have a newcomer!" He patted me on the shoulder.

"This is my friend, Josh." Tyler muttered as he took a seat.

"Hello, Joshua! And welcome." He grinned, standing in front of all of us. "My name is Pastor Jeff."

I sat down next to him, Mike sat in the seat on his other side while Jordan sat beside me. I looked up at the white board in front of us, noticing the blue writing across it.

_"We must be willing to give up the things that mean the most to us."_

_"Vocabulary: sacrifice: to give something up."_

I tilted my head, wondering what we could possibly learn from that, today.

"Hello, and good morning!" The man shouted. He's a lively one.

"Good morning, Pastor Jeff." Everyone chorused.

"So, today," Pastor Jeff stood in front of us. "We are going to learn about sacrifice." He gestured to the white board. "I'd like all of you to stand up and line up in a horizontal line across the back of the room."

We rose out of our seats and walked to the back of the room, forming a line. Tyler moved away when I stood by him and instead chose to stand between Mike and Jordan. My face twisted up in confusion as I watched Pastor Jeff scoot all the tables to one side of the room.

"Okay!" He clapped his hands together, standing at the other side of the room. "This game is similar to Mother-May-I, but instead of taking turns, you will all listen to the question and respond with, "Yes, I do". I will then issue a command and you may respond. Understand?"

A few 'yes' and 'no's were heard throughout the room.

"Well, that's okay. We'll just get started and go from there." Pastor Jeff smiled.

This is weird.

"Alright," He sighed. "Mother asks you to turn the TV off. Do you get up and do it without saying, "wait"? If so, take three baby steps forward."

Everyone took three small steps forward.

"Ah!" Pastor Jeff held a finger in the air. "You forgot to say "Yes, I do"." He chuckled.

Some of us rolled our eyes and shook our heads while some kids let out a giggle.

"Now," He smiled. "The teacher asks you to stop talking in class when she's talking. Do you stop talking?"

"Yes, I do." Everyone chorused.

"You may take four hops forward." Pastor Jeff grinned as we hopped forward, thinking his little lesson of his was working when I'm sure most of us had no frickin' clue what was going on.

"Big brother asks you not to play in his room while he is at school. Do you stay out of his room?"

"Yes, I do." Everyone nodded with a smirk. None of us would stay out. Not if our 'big brother' _insisted_ we stay out.

"You may take one _giant_ step forward." He grinned as we moved closer towards him, his eyes wide like he had a secret.

"Grandmother tells you eating cookie dough is bad for you. Do you keep your fingers out of the mixing bowl when she's not looking?" He raised a finger.

We all shook our heads, standing in place, our cheeks slightly pink and grins forming on our faces.

Pastor Jeff chuckled. "It's tempting, I know! But we often have to obey even though we can't understand the reason for it. Yes?"

Okay what is this guy getting at?

"Only Jesus can help us do that. When someone asks you to do something and you feel like saying, "no" say a prayer for Jesus to help you." He smiled as if he just solved all the problems in the world.

"Alright, everyone grab a beanbag and take a seat in front of the board." He instructed.

Everyone rushed to a corner and grabbed a beanbag. Tyler handed me a red one with a tight-lipped smile on his face. He sat his blue one down next to mine and got comfy, placing his hands in his lap. I turned my gaze away from him as Pastor Jeff started talking, again.

"Now," He tapped the dry erase marker to his chin. " Think about the thing you have.. that you treasure _the most_. Is it a toy? A picture? Is it your Mom or Dad? Now imagine having to give up that thing. Imagine seeing it destroyed. How does that make you feel? God knows how that feels. He gave up the thing most precious to him so that--"

That's where I zoned out. I thought about my father. About my mother. Memories began spilling out of the depths of my mind, welling up in my eyes. I tried to will away the tears from falling as I attempted to focus on the board through my blurred vision.

I could barely make out the prayer everyone was reciting.

_"Father, please help us remember that you gave us everything and it is still yours."_  


 

This is why I don't like going to church.


	37. Eccedentesiast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _n._ Someone who hides pain behind a smile.
> 
> **A/N: Here is over 2,300 words that I do not believe in. I'm sorry if any of this offends any of you. I do not agree with what is said in this chapter. This was really difficult for me to write, considering I have gone through this, but it is an important part in the story. Again, I apologize.**
> 
> *****Trigger Warning: this chapter includes many derogatory and close minded ideas of homosexuality. Some, including myself, could find this extremely triggering and/or offensive. If this will upset you, please do not read it. A summary of this chapter will be at the bottom in notes.*****

**Tyler's POV**

Sitting in the pew of the chapel, I tried to act as normal as possible sitting next to Josh. I have to act like nothing happened. My dad didn't yell at me. He didn't grab me by the collar of my shirt. He didn't tell me to stop getting so close to Josh. He didn't shove me to the stairs before Mom smacked me on the back of the head and growled that I was grounded for drawing on Zack's face.

My mother cleared her throat and tapped me on the shoulder, motioning to take out my Bible. I can't help that I'm distracted. This morning has been a mess. I didn't miss the way Josh's face paled as Pastor Jeff rambled on about sacrifice. I wish none of them had spent the night.

 

"The Bible doesn't speak of homosexuality very often; but when it does, it condemns it as sin. For example," The pastor's voice echoed in my ears. "In Leviticus 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination. Further on in Leviticus 20:13 it says, "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them.

First Corinthians 6: 9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, not the drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

In Romans 1: 26-28, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."

 

I looked over at my brother, who was picking his nose. Why doesn't he have to pay attention to this crap? I sighed and stared back at the Bible in my hands.

 

"Homosexuality is clearly condemned in the Bible." The pastor droned on. "It undermines God's created order where He made Adam and Eve, a man and a woman, to carry out his command to fill and subdue the earth as so it says in Genesis 1:28. Homosexuality cannot fulfill that mandate. Also, homosexuality undermines the basic family unit of husband and wife which is the God-ordained means of procreation. Again, homosexuality cannot do that. And, believe it or not, homosexuality is also dangerous to society."

 

My nose scrunched up and my eyes narrowed in confusion. Dangerous to society? What the heck?

 

"Homosexuality has a heavy judgment administered by God Himself upon those who commit it and support it. It says in Romans 1:26 -27, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27 and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error."

As a result of being "given over", they can no longer see the error of what they are doing. They will not seek forgiveness, and they will not repent. They will then die in their sins and face God's righteous condemnation. But, their rebellion against God does not stop there. Those who are judged by God this way, also promote their sin and condemn others who don't approve of their behavior.

Romans 1:32, "...and, although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them."

So, in their "hearty approval" of homosexuality, they encourage others to accept their practice, and so their sin and rebellion against God spread. This means they will reject Christ's redemptive work on the cross. Without Jesus, they will have no forgiveness. Without forgiveness, they will have no salvation. Without salvation, there is only damnation in eternal hell. We Christians don't want this for anyone. We want them to experience the great love of God through the person and work of Christ who died for our sins."

 

I looked over at Josh who's breathing had become shaky and his eyes were watery. I want to hold his hand. He's upset and I can't do anything about it.

 

"What right do they have to try and redefine marriage?" The pastor's voice boomed. "I want to know what right do the politically correct, pro-homosexual minority have to redefine marriage and impose their values on the majority? What right do they have to condemn Christians, call us names such as homophobes, bigots, etc., and be so very intolerant, when we disagree with their behavior and say it is sinful? They are successfully getting homosexuality promoted in schools, TV, and movies as "normal" and healthy. Healthy? As a result, their confidence and successes have pumped up their bravado so much that they even oppress those that oppose homosexuality, a fact blatantly ignored by the double-standard-liberal-media. But what are we to expect when dogmatism is king and all opposing views are condemned? The pro-homosexuals want everyone to think like them and approve of their "inborn sexual orientation"; and if you don't, well, then you're labeled a bigot - and worse! What they want is for everyone to think that homosexuality is normal. After all, it exists in the animal world, doesn't it? Yes, it does, and so does eating their young and cannibalism. Just because animals do it, doesn't make it right. But, believe it or not. We, Christians, aren't judging homosexuals."

 

I couldn't help but scoff at that. My father smacked me on the back of the head. I ducked my head back down, noticing Josh's hands were pulling at the hem of the sleeves of his dress shirt.

 

"We are informing them." I hate this pastor. "God has declared that homosexuality is a sin. It isn't our preferences we're declaring. It is God's. I know. I know. Some will say the Bible isn't true, that it is archaic, sexist, homophobic, etc. I've heard it all before. Kill the messenger and let's all jump into bed together and have our fun. Sorry, I'm not interested in freedom without responsibility and the resulting promiscuity and diseases and oppression that accompany the politically correct, sexually promiscuity of liberal morality. Instead, I'll follow my Lord, who calls all to repentance, myself included."

 

I glanced over at Mike who was falling asleep. Jordan sighed and flipped through his Bible as though he was paying attention. A tear slipped down Josh's cheek. Without thinking, I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. He peered at me from the corner of his eye before squeezing them shut. This is bothering him for some reason and I don't like it.

 

"Homosexuals will say that they are born the way they are, that it is a genetic orientation, and since they didn't choose it, it cannot be wrong. If that is the case, then why do identical twins, with identical genetics, not have uniformity of sexual orientation? This proves it is not just genetic. But let's not stop there. What if a person is born with a genetic orientation to dislike homosexuality? Is that okay? Should his orientation be protected by law so that he is not offended or discriminated against? If not, then why the double standard? Would it then be okay for such a person to want laws passed to protect his "homosexuality aversion orientation"? Or, is only the homosexual orientation worthy of protection?

Just being born with an orientation doesn't mean it is okay. If a person is born with the orientation to lie, it does not mean that lying is okay. Of course not. Should lying-oriented-people demand national rights based on their orientation and its resulting practice? Again, of course not. The only hope for the homosexual and all people who break God's laws is to realize that God is holy, and He will rightfully judge all who have sinned against Him by breaking his law. If He did not do this, then He would be approving of wrongdoing. However, God is loving, patient, wants people to repent, and desires that we come to a saving knowledge of Him.

What this means is that the sinner must turn to Christ, who is God in flesh, who bore our sins in His body on the cross, died and rose from the dead. Jesus made it possible for sinners to be saved from the righteous judgment of God. They need only trust in what Jesus did on their behalf, so they can be forgiven of their sins. This is done by receiving Christ, by believing in Him and accepting His sacrifice that is a payment for our sins to God the Father. Like any sinner, the homosexual needs to repent, receive Christ by faith, and be saved from God's righteous judgment by trusting in Christ and the judgment that fell upon Him on the cross. They need to pray and ask the Lord Jesus to save them."

 

I squeezed Josh's hand as the pastor continued his rant.

 

"Now.. what should be the Christian's response to the homosexual? Just because someone is a homosexual, does not mean that we persecute them, call them names, sue them for not agreeing with us, or get laws passed to silence them. We are to love him, or her, or pray for him, or her. Homosexuality is a sin and like any other sin, it needs to be laid at the cross and forsaken. Yes, I know, easier said than done. But that is the same with all sins.

Please understand that I don't _hate_ homosexuals. I wouldn't care if my neighbor is gay. I've had homosexual friends and have loved them the same as I would anyone else. I was their friend, yet they knew I did not approve of their behavior. They didn't try to silence me and I didn't try to silence them. But, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, and the solution to the problem of sin is found only in Jesus. He is the Lord, the Savior, the risen King. The fact that Jesus physically rose from the dead three days after he died is proof what he said was true. There is a hell. There is a heaven. Our eternal destinies depend on whether or not we receive him and repent of our sins. After all, Jesus is God in flesh. He died to save sinners from God the Father's righteous judgment. We are all sinners, and we all need the salvation that is found only in receiving Christ.

We Christians should pray for the salvation of the homosexual the same as we would for anyone else. This is not an issue of arrogance or judgment. We don't want _anyone_ to go to hell due to their sin, and that includes lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, and queers."

 

I watched my father nod his head, a smile on his face. I couldn't help but wonder if he suggested talking about this subject during his Bible study. The pastor is in the same one as him...

 

"The homosexual is still made in the image of God, even though he, or she, is in rebellion against Him. Therefore, we Christians should show homosexuals the same dignity as anyone else with whom we come in contact. Don't injure them. Don't hate them. Don't judge them. Instead, lovingly inform them that freedom and forgiveness are found in Jesus. Let them know that God loves us and died for us so that we might be delivered from the consequences of our sin, which is eternal separation from God.

But, this does not mean that we are to approve of what they do. We are not to compromise our witness for a socially acceptable opinion that is void of rationality, godliness, and biblical truth. Instead, stand firm in the Word that God has revealed to us and patiently love him or her biblically and pray for their salvation. Be kind to them. Be loving. And, when appropriate, tell them the Gospel because of our sins is found in Christ."

 

Many people nodded, some bowed their heads and raised their hands while praising Christ, my parents smiled at each other. I felt sick.

 

"Please, join me in prayer." The pastor bowed his head. "Father, thank you for all the marvelous things you have done today. Thank you for your love that you have revealed to us, and for the love that we share together as your body. We pray for all the words you have sown into people's hearts today. Watch over them, protect them. May they take root and produce wonderful things, things of beauty and great blessings to many. And as we leave this place now, thank you that you walk with us. May we be alert to your promptings and live in your endless love. For yours is the kingdom, the power and glory, in this age and forevermore. Amen."

 

I didn't say amen.

 

 

As we all piled into the van, I made sure I sat next to Josh. We sat in the very back, I let him have the window seat.

"Are you okay?" I whispered as I buckled my seat belt.

He snapped his head up. His eyes were red rimmed and slightly puffy. "Y-Yeah. I'm fine."

I frowned, turning my gaze down to my lap and fidgeting with my fingers.

"So do you boys want to go out for pizza?" My mom called from the driver's seat, backing out of the parking lot.

Mike, Jordan and Zack cheered.

Josh spoke up. "Uh- I, um-- I actually have t-to go home." He bit his lip. "M-My Granny w-will be mad i-if I miss her Sunday d-dinner."

"Aw, well that's okay, honey." My mom pouted as she turned the van around to take Josh home. "Maybe some other time."

Josh forced out a nervous laugh and gave a tight-lipped smile. I noticed his trembling hands and grasped one in my own, lacing our fingers together.

"I'm sorry, Josh." I whispered.

He nodded his head and squeezed my hand tighter. "It's not your fault, Ty."

 

 

There will never be another time. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, the pastor drones on and on about his views on homosexuality and threw in quotes from the bible. He's an ass.
> 
> Tyler notices how much it is bothering Josh, and how pleased his parents seem to be with the sermon. Against, what his father tried to drill into his head that morning, he holds Josh's hand through the rest of the sermon and asks him if he's okay when they get into the van. Josh tells him he's fine, but Tyler can see through it. 
> 
> Mrs. Joseph offers the boys to go out for pizza but Josh lies and says he has to be home for his grandmother's Sunday dinner. Mrs. Joseph tells him it's okay and maybe other time. Tyler apologizes to Josh but Josh tells him it's not his fault.
> 
> Tyler knows there will never be another time.


	38. Hyperbole

****

**Josh's POV**

I trudged up the front porch steps after saying goodbye to Tyler. He went to give me a hug but settled for a wave after his father cleared his throat. I opened the front door, slinging my overnight bag off my shoulder and setting the prizes from Tyler's birthday party down on the floor. I shrugged off my coat and hat before toeing off my boots. I picked up my bag and prizes then dragged myself upstairs and into my room.

I closed the door with my foot and dropped my bag beside my closet. I tossed the soccer ball on the floor, not caring where it rolled to, and held the green alien in front of me. A small smile formed on my face as I padded over to my bed, climbing up on it and standing, mapping out the best spot to hang up the alien Tyler got me. I then realized I had to go back downstairs to get a string and push pin.

With a deep sigh, I let myself flop down on my bed, the aftershocks of the bounce making my already dizzy mind spin faster, and slid off of it before padding back over to my door. I left the alien in my room, not trusting Jordan or the cats to not pop it. I moseyed down the staircase and shuffled into the den, where I could here my Grampa talking- yelling- about someone on the television. I sauntered over to Grampa, who was smoking his pipe.

"Well, hey there, kiddo!" He grinned, tamping out his pipe and placing it in his front shirt pocket. "Did you have fun?"

"Oodles." I deadpanned.

"What's the matter, Josh?" Granny turned the volume down on the TV. "Did something happen?"

I shook my head, avoiding their eyes. "Nothing happened. I'm just tired. His birthday was fun."

Grampa raised an eyebrow, he doesn't believe a word that's coming out of my mouth.

"Look," I yawned. "I just need some string and a push pin or something to hang up this inflatable alien Tyler gave me."

"Oh!" Grampa rose from his seat. "Well, now that sounds like a great addition to Astronaut Josh's room! Let's go check in the garage."

I nodded as he patted my back and led the way to the garage.

He flipped the light switch on after he opened the door that led to the garage then looked down at my feet. "Don't let your Granny know that I let you go in here without shoes. She'll tan my hide."

I chuckled. "I would never, Grampa."

We strolled over to his toolbox and I took a seat on top of some stacked milk crates as I watched him rifle through drawers. I swung my feet back and forth as I waited, the scent of motor oil, paint lacquer and dust filling my nose. I wonder where Ashley is?

"Ah!" Grampa shouted, holding up a string and a screw before grabbing his drill. "This oughta do it. C'mon, kid."

I hopped off the milk crates and followed him up the concrete steps back into the kitchen before flipping the light switch off and closing the door. We walked up the stairs at a slow pace; Grampa reminds me of a turtle.

Just as we reached my bedroom, Momma walked out of hers with Jordan holding her hand.

"Josh! You're home." She smiled. "Did you have--" Her smile dropped into an unimpressed smirk, "Dad, what are you doing with that drill?"

"None ya business!" He stuck his tongue out at her.

I rolled my eyes, smiling, and followed him in my room.

"Okay, son." He looked around my room. "Where do you wanna put it?"

I grabbed the alien and stood back up on my bed. I carefully walked over to the head of my bed and pointed to the ceiling in the corner.

"I'd say that's a mighty fine spot." He sat the string, screw, and drill on my bed. "I gotta go get my step stool. Your old Grampa can't stand on that bed like you."

I sighed and plopped back on my bed as I waited for him to come back, admiring the green alien in my hands. This might take a while.

"Josh?" Momma poked her head in my room. "How was it?"

I bit my lip and averted my eyes to the floor. "It was good."

She walked farther into my room, sitting beside me on my bed. "Just good? I was kind of expecting to be bombarded with every detail. Ya know, 'Oh my gosh, Momma! It was so great! You have to take me there all the time!'... No?"

"I'm just tired, Momma." I shrugged.

She frowned and rubbed her hand up and down my back soothingly. "Well, that's a cool alien you have there. Did you get that at Chuck E. Cheese's?"

"Yeah," I grinned. "Well, technically Tyler got it and we traded. I gave him a Mario figurine."

"Sounds like you had a nice time, honey." She ran her fingers through my hair. I leaned into her comforting touch. "Granny and Ashley are making spaghetti. We're gonna have dinner around five, okay?"

I nodded my head and forced a smile. She patted my arm and left my room, only for Grampa to come in, dragging the metal step stool behind him.

"Okay," He grinned, placing his hands on his hips. "We gotta move your bed back, kiddo."

I got off my bed and placed the alien on it. I sighed as I began helping my grandfather move my bed.

 

 

During dinner, I avoided everyone's questions and investigative glances. Why am I so easy to read? I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

"So," Ashley took a big bite of Spaghetti before speaking again. "Did you get any cool prizes?"

"Yes." I gritted out.

"Geez," Ashley widened her eyes and shook her head, mocking my hateful tone. "Sorry, I asked."

I sighed, pushing my plate back. "May I be excused?"

"Josh, you've barely touched your food... Are you sure you're alright?" My mom asked, concern sewn across the features on her face, furrowing her eyebrows and tugging the corners of her mouth down.

"Yes! I'm fine." I scoffed.

Granny narrowed her eyes at me. "Joshua William."

"I'm sorry, everyone." I sighed. "I'm just.. tired. I really want to go get ready for bed."

They all gave me a wary look before nodding and gesturing for me to leave the table.

I let out a deep breath of relief and practically ran upstairs. I locked myself in the bathroom, sliding down against the door and placing my head in my hands. Sobs racked my body as my mind turned.

If homosexuality is so bad... why-- why does--

My thoughts were cut off by other thoughts then cut off again by the repeating words of the pastor at church, until it turned into a never ending cycle, leaving me gasping for breath.

I tucked my head between my knees and took deep shallow breaths, willing myself to calm down. I rubbed at my eyes as if it would stop the tears from pricking the backs of my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. I stood on wobbly legs and shuffled to the tub. I turned the faucet on full blast, hot water only, before switching the setting to the shower spray.

I stripped myself of my clothes and stepped in, the searing of my skin causing me to fight for my breath. I lowered myself down to sit in the basin of the tub, my knees tucked to my chest, as the hot water scorched my nerves and seeped into my bones. I rocked myself back and forth, wishing it was all a dream, that I had went home that night and none of this ever happened.

 

 

Before I changed into my pajamas and tucked myself into bed, I flicked off my light switch and ran to my bed. I'm ridiculous. I still have a fear of something grabbing my legs before I can make it into bed. I shook my head, cursing myself, and turned over on my side. I peered up at the alien hanging above my bed, my thoughts filling with Tyler and how stricken he seemed to even be near me. I looked at the galaxy swirling across my wall, the glow-in-the-dark stars luminous against the whirlpool of colors.

A knock at my door caused me to break out of my moment of reverie.

"C-Come in."

Granny and Grampa walked into my room, shutting my door softly behind them.

"Mind turnin' on your bedside lamp, kiddo?" Grampa chuckled. "Our eyes aren't they way they used to be."

I nodded my head, rubbing my eye before switching my lamp on. "What's going on?"

"Scoot over, Bubby." Granny patted my leg, before sitting down on the edge of my bed. Grampa sat in the arm chair by my window.

"Look, son," Grampa started. "We know that something happened and--"

"Nothin' happened!"

Granny narrowed her eyes at me.

" _Okay_.." I sighed, sitting up in bed. "Every-- It happened at church. Well, the morning before church, really."

Granny rubbed my arm, trying to comfort me, as Grampa crossed his legs and gave me an inquiring look.

"T-Tyler h-had a nightmare and asked me to sleep i-in bed with h-him. So-- We fell asleep next to each other a-and his dad was mad at Tyler when he woke us up in the morning. Well, he-- He didn't wake me up... He yelled at Ty to wake up and then yelled at him in the hallway. Then- Then he woul--" A sob cut off my sentence as I hung my head. "Tyler wouldn't even look at me after that. He-- He barely even s-spoke to me. Until w-we were in the big chapel a-and- and the preacher was talking about h-how homosexuality is w-wrong and-- and--" My bottom lip began quivering.

Grampa uncrossed and recrossed his legs, resting his elbow on his knee and placing his chin in the palm of his hand. Granny scooted farther up on my bed, embracing me in a hug. "It's okay, honey. Just breathe. No one is rushin' you to talk." She ran her fingers through my hair and placed a kiss on the top of my head. "You talk at your own pace, okay?"

I nodded, sniffling and wiping my eyes. I took several deep breaths.

"He said it was wrong and that it's a sin and that anyone that is a homosexual would burn in hell." My voice wavered, sobs threatening to rack my frame as more tears welled up in my eyes.

Grampa cleared his throat. "Josh, that's simply not true. As you know, your uncle is gay and his boyfriend is gay. They are both Christians and belong to a very accepting and welcoming church." He sighed. "Some people take the words of the Bible and skew them for their own benefit; whether it's because of the way they were raised or simply because they have a narrow minded view of the world and are stuck in a different era."

Granny kissed the top of my head, again. "Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself, Bubby. Don't you let that bullshit that preacher said get into your head. He should be ashamed for spreading such lies and impacting the fragile minds of children."

"Now, Barb," Grampa started.

"Don't you 'Now Barb' me!" Granny scowled. "Josh, Jesus loves all his children. And honestly... if everyone followed what is written in the Bible, the world would be chaos. Which is why most people pick and choose from it what they think is right. That doesn't mean what they say is right."

I nodded as she pushed my curly hair back from my forehead and wiped away my tears.

A small meow was heard from outside my door.

"Sounds like your buddy wants in." Grampa winked at me before getting out of the chair and walking to my door. As soon as he opened it, Berlioz scurried across the floor and meowed up at me. Grampa scooped him up in his arms before placing him on my lap.

Granny slipped out of my bed and tucked me in as Berlioz curled up beside me.

"And let me tell you somethin' about your friend Tyler," Granny gave a small smile. "If he is truly your best friend, nothin' his parents say should keep him from wanting to be your friend."

"But--"

"No buts!" She kissed my forehead. "I guarantee you he'll be talking to you soon. Now get some sleep, Bubby."

"Good night, Granny. Goodnight, Grampa." I smiled. "I love you both."

Granny turned towards me before shutting my door, "We love you too, sweetie pie. Good night."

 

 

I looked over at my alarm clock. 10:56 PM.

I pet Berlioz between the ears. "You wanna stay up with me until midnight, buddy?"

He meowed and climbed into my lap, pawing at my chest.

I giggled and grabbed the walkie talkie from my bedside table.


	39. Liberosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _n._ the desire to care less about things-to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone-rather to hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball, keeping it in the air, with only quick fleeting interventions, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play.

**Tyler's POV**

_ December 1st, 1997 _

I was laying in bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling, when I heard a faint crackle coming from the walkie talkie laying beside me.

"Ty?" Josh's voice was merely a whisper.

I pressed the button down. "Josh? What're you doin' awake?"

I heard his light giggle before he whispered, "Happy Birthday, Ty."

I bit my lip, grinning so wide my cheeks hurt. "Did you really stay up to tell me that, Jishwa?"

"Wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday s'all." I could practically hear his shrug.

"Thanks, Jish." I giggled. "Hey, I think school is canceled tomorrow. You wanna meet at the park?"

"Yeah!"

"'Kay, I'll talk to you in the morning." I whispered, noticing Zack stirring in his sleep. "I gotta go."

"Night, Ty."

"G'night, Jish."

 

 

I was the one to wake Zack up in the morning by jumping on _his_ bed.

"Zack! Wake up! It's a snow day!" I jumped up and down on his bed, his body bouncing off the mattress. "C'mon!"

"Huh? Wha?" He rubbed his eyes and sat up in bed.

I stopped jumping and flopped on my butt on the bed. "Snow day. No school. Park. We're going."

That woke him up. "Oh my gosh! Are you serious?!" He scrambled out of his bed and ran to the window. "Holy crap! Let's go!"

I beat him to the closet and grabbed my snow coat and snow pants. He rolled his eyes and shoved past me to get his own. I knelt down to the bottom drawer of my dresser and pulled out the ski mask and scarf Josh made me before grabbing thermals and socks. Zack and I rushed to get dressed and ran down the stairs before going into the kitchen. Mom was feeding Maddy breakfast while Dad sipped on his coffee.

"Whoa!" Dad chuckled. "What's the rush?"

"Do you--" I panted. "Where-- Where are the sleds?"

"Ah, are we all going sledding?" He grinned with a hopeful glint in his eye.

"Well, actually... Zack and I were just gonna go by ourselves." I scratched the back of my head. "You know, to the park."

Dad narrowed his eyes at the both of us before shrugging. "Well, alright." He sighed. "The sleds are in the garage behind the leaf blower."

Zack and I darted to the side door to go into the garage before my mom spoke up.

"Boys! You forgot something!" She sang out.

I dashed back into the kitchen, grabbing two bananas before letting out a sigh and catching up with Zack in the garage.

"Tyler?"

"Yeah?" I began peeling the banana and stared at it.

"We only have one sled." He turned to me with a shocked expression on his face.

"What?" I mumbled through a mouthful of banana, cringing at my own voice. I handed him his banana before walking over to the sled, seeing he wasn't lying. "What the frick!"

"What are we gonna do now?" Zack's voice sounded small.

I furrowed my eyebrows together, looking at the half eaten banana in my hand and the whole one in his hands. "Gimme that!" I snatched it from him. "Grab the sled and meet me outside. I'll go through the front door."

He gave me a salute as I pushed the garage door button, watching him walk under the door before I shut it again. I walked back into the kitchen and stared at my parents. I cleared my throat. Their heads snapped up, confusion on their faces.

"Where are all the sleds?" I tilted my head, a scowl on my face.

"Oh, honey," Mom turned to me. "We gave them to the church."

"Yeah, they were gettin' old anyway, kiddo." Dad snorted.

I scoffed. "Unbelievable!" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head and walked out the front door.

Zack was waiting for me in the driveway, squinting at the bright sun shining in his eyes. "Well?"

I held up a finger, signaling him to wait. I took the walkie talkie out of my pocket and pressed my finger on the button.

"Jishwa?"

"Yeah, Ty?"

"Meet us at the park in ten minutes."

"I-Is it okay if Ashley comes, too? She won't stop-- Ow! Knock it off, Ash!" He sighed. Zack snickered. "She won't stop asking to come with me."

"Yeah, that's no biggie." I giggled.

"'Kay, see ya in ten."

I pocketed the walkie talkie before smirking at Zack and peeling both bananas all the way.

"When I say 'run', you run. Got it?"

He nodded.

I turned to my dad's car and chucked the bananas at his windshield.

"Run!" I grabbed the sled from Zack as we took off up the street to the park.

 

 

Josh and I were laying in the snow, making snow angels, giggling at my brother and Ashley who were fighting over the sled.

"So, your parents really gave away your sleds?" Josh asked, peering over at me and squinting from the harsh rays of sunlight making the snow shine brightly in his eyes.

"Yeah." I scoffed. "They weren't even that old! Only one had a tiny crack in it."

Josh chuckled and jumped up, turning around to admire his snow angel. "My snow angel looks like a dead bird fell from the sky and left..." He gestured around wildly with his hands. "This."

I cackled. "Help me up so I can see."

He grabbed my mitten covered hand with his and hoisted me up. I lost my footing at the last minute and ended up falling, bringing him down with me.

We burst into a fit of laughter, spitting out snow, and rolling around.

"Well.." I chuckled. "I think both of our snow angels look like a dead bird now."

He paused, giving me a serious look before bursting into another fit of giggles.

I sat up, shaking the snow off of me, when suddenly a snowball hit the back of my head. I whipped around to see Zack and Ashley running away, giggling hysterically.

I turned back to Josh who just smiled as if we had a silent agreement. We hauled ourselves up on our feet and ran behind some trees, starting on our arsenal of snowballs.

"I know every hiding spot Zack has, he shouldn't be a problem." I whispered, rolling up my twelfth snowball.

"It's my sister you should worry about. She's sneaky. Like Dracula."

I knitted my brows together, halting my work. "Who's Dracula?"

Josh gasped. "You don't know who-- Ow!" A snowball hit him in the face.

I turned around, snowballs in both hands, to see Ashley run away. "You're dead meat, Ashley!"

I stood to run after her but Josh grabbed my arm. "No, I know where she's going. Follow me."

 

 

After losing the snowball fight to Zack and Ashley, we were all cold and slightly pooped.

"Hey, you wanna go to my house?" Josh asked, pulling his red ski mask on.

"Granny makes the best hot cocoa!" Ashley exclaimed, shuffling along in the snow.

"Yeah!" I grinned. "Then maybe we could make a snowman?"

Josh nodded smiling at me.

I began to drag the sled behind us as we walked to Josh's house, Ashley and Zack talking about something exciting to them, at least, in front of us.

"S'not like I can invite you guys over to our house anyway?" I muttered.

"Oh." Josh averted his eyes to the sidewalk, chewing on his bottom lip. "Because of what happened Sunday?"

"No!" I grabbed his hand. "Well... partially but-- I threw bananas at my dad's car this morning before we left."

Josh threw his head back cackling. "Are you serious?!"

I nodded, giggling.

"That's awesome! I hate bananas."

"So do I! My mom makes us eat them every day." I scoffed. "I was so mad about what happened Sunday and when my parents said they gave our sleds away, I just.. snapped."

"Well... technically you mushed."

I snickered, shaking my head.

As we neared his house and our laughter died down, I took this as my opportunity to talk to him. "I really am sorry for what happened, Josh." We stopped at his front gate, Zack following Ashley inside. "I didn't know my dad was going to flip out like that. And I had no idea they were gonna talk about that stuff. And I don't agree with any of what that stupid pastor said.. I'm so sorry."

Josh gave me a half-smile and placed his hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Ty. It's not your fault. At least I know you're not mad at me."

My eyes widened in shock, my mouth agape. "I could never be mad at you, Josh. And I don't care what my dad says.. we're best friends."

He nodded, smiling. "C'mon, let's go get hot cocoa. Oh! You get to meet the kitties!"

"When did you get cats?!"

Josh snickered at me as I followed him up the front porch steps.

 

 

That evening, when Josh's grandma brought us home, Mom and Dad were not happy. They yelled at us for an hour. Saying how we shouldn't have left the park. We shouldn't have gone to Josh's house. We should have called. They sent us to bed without supper, but they didn't know we already ate at Josh's house. Granny makes better pot roast than my mom. They grounded us for a week.

 

 

I hid my walkie talkie under my mattress when I went to bed.


	40. Consternation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings: sexual abuse, rape/non-consensual elements*****
> 
> **If any of you are triggered by this please don't read it.**
> 
> **I'll put a warning when it starts. And I'll put a brief summary of what happened at the bottom in an author's note. Stay safe.**

****

**Ashley's POV**

_December 19th, 1997_

Josh and I walked up the front steps, clutching our tummies and cackling.

"Did-- Did you see--" Josh tried to speak through his peals of laughter. "The way- Prin--Principal Holland fell on the- on the ice?!"

"Oh my gosh! It took him so long to fall!" I giggled, taking off my gloves to open the front door. "I think he spent more time trying not to fall than he did actually falling."

Josh chuckled as he shut the front door and we slipped off our boots. "I wish I could have gotten that on film."

"Right?" I snickered, dropping my backpack on the floor and shrugging my coat off. I bent down to pick my bag up and noticed a ball of white fluff chewing on the rope attached to the zipper.

"Hi, pretty girl!" I picked up Marie and cuddled her in my arms. "Are you hungry? Let's go get you some dinner, yeah?"

"Wait." Josh grabbed my arm.

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows, looking around.

"Do you hear that?"

I listened for a strange noise or anything out of place, but I couldn't hear anything. No shouting, laughing, fussing from Jordan...

"...Silence." My smile dropped.

Josh placed a finger to his lips and motioned for me to follow. We tiptoed through the living room and crept over to the door of the den, which was oddly half shut. Josh and I narrowed our eyes at each other in confusion before listening in on the hushed conversation in the den.

"They'll understand, Laura. You have the most understanding kids in this world." I heard Grampa's gruff voice.

"He's right, honey." Granny sighed. "This will be good for them. As long as you know who isn't there."

"I don't-- I just don't know how I'm going to tell them without them getting upset."

"Tell us what?" Josh spoke up, sliding the door all the way open.

"Josh!" Momma gasped. "You nearly scared me half to death."

We walked into the middle of the room. I sat Marie down and placed my hands on my hips, tilting my head and raising my eyebrows.

"So, what were you going to tell us?" I tapped my foot.

"Now, you just cool your jets, Missy." Granny warned.

"No," Momma held her hands up. "Ma, they have a right to be upset."

"Upset about what?" Josh asked.

Momma bit her bottom lip before heaving out a long sigh and looking down at the shag carpet. "You're going to spend Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day at your Nana and Pawpaw's."

"What?!" Josh and I chorused.

"I know, _I know_. It's the last thing I wanted to happen but the lawyer says it will look good when I fight for custody for you guys. When.. I finally divorce your father." She averted her eyes from us to Granny and Grampa.

"Wait, so you have to _fight_ for custody? You mean that asshole has a chance of taking us away?!" Josh yelled.

"Hey!" Grampa shouted. "You watch your tone, young man."

"I'm not going if he's there." I crossed my arms.

"I'm not either." Josh balled his fists up.

"He won't be there. I promise." Momma finally looked up at us. "I made sure of it. He's... Your father is in jail."

"Laura!" Granny scowled. "They shouldn't hear this kind of stuff!"

I turned around to Granny. "Why not? You think we can't handle it? Do you think we didn't handle watching that son of a bitch practically beating her to death all the time?!"

"That's it!" Granny stood up. "Go to your room! Both of you!"

Josh shook his head at Momma before stomping his way out of the room.

"We're not going." I ran after Josh.

When I reached the staircase, his bedroom door slammed. Marie, Berlioz and Toulouse were pawing at my pant legs and meowing.

"C'mon, guys." I sniffled, wiping my eyes. "Time to eat."

 

 

We were all seated around the dinner table. Granny and Grampa were sat at the head of both ends of the table, Josh and I were across from each other while Momma sat next to him, feeding Jordan from his highchair. I pushed the peas around my plate, hiding them under my mashed potatoes.

"Aren't you gonna eat your peas, Pumpkin?" Granny asked, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "I thought they were your favorite.."

I shrugged. "M'not hungry."

"Josh?" Granny raised an eyebrow. "What about you? You haven't touched anything on your plate."

Josh removed his gaze from his plate and stared at Granny before grabbing his steak knife and stabbing his pork chop, leaving the knife sticking out of the piece of meat.

"Alright." Grampa threw his napkin down and crossed his legs. "Your mother is dropping you off before dinner on the 23rd."

"I thought you said it was only for Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day?" Josh smirked.

"Joshua William." Granny narrowed her eyes at him.

"She'll drop you off the day before Christmas Eve around 3PM. Then she'll pick you up Christmas Day, sometime in the afternoon. Okay?" Grampa looked back and forth at us. " _Okay?_ "

"Fine," I muttered.

Josh sighed and rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Can I go finish my homework and go to bed, now?"

Grampa nodded as Josh and I rose from our seats, making our way to the stairs. Before we even left the dining room, Granny's voice called out.

"Dishes!"

We both threw our head back and sighed, walking back to take our plates to the kitchen sink.

 

 

I went to bed that night without talking to anyone else. After Josh and I washed our dishes we both disappeared into our bedrooms. I heard mom yell at him for taking a long time in the shower and using all the hot water but that's about it. I finished my homework and snuggled into bed with Luna and Marie.

"Marie!" I pushed her away from Luna. "You can't bite Luna!"

She just meowed and sat on my belly, kneading her paws while purring. I smiled as I pet her.

"I love you, Marie. I'm really gonna miss you." I kissed the top of her head as she curled up on my chest. "I promise I will be back. I promise."

I laid my head back on my pillow and exhaled a deep breath as I let my eyes slip shut. The soft purrs of Marie lulling me to sleep.

 

*****trigger warning*****

 

_"Shelby?" I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness. "What're you doin'?"_

_"Shh," She crawled closer to me on the pullout couch and turned on her side to face me. "You'll wake up Noah."_

_"Did ya have a bad dream or somethin'?" I whispered, rolling over so I was face to face with her._

_When my eyes finally adjusted, I noticed she was only a few inches away from my face._

_"No. I didn't have a bad dream. You gotta be quiet."_

_"O-okay."_

_I stayed silent as she moved her hand under the blanket and placed her palm on my tummy, under my nightgown._

_"Wh-What're you doin'?"  
_

_She pressed a finger to my lips and shushed me as she moved her hand lower. I felt my breath catch in my throat as her fingers brushed under the waistband of my underwear._

_"Shh. It's okay."_

_Tears pricked my eyes and my lower lip wobbled. "Why?"_

_She pressed her fingers inside me._

_"It's normal. It's okay. It's our secret."_

_I squeezed my eyes shut as she moved her hand, an unbearable weight settled on my chest._

_"It feels good. It's okay." She shushed._

_I stifled a sob as I shook my head._

_"Now you have to do it to me."_

 

*****end of trigger warning*****

 

 

"No!" I yelled and shot out of bed, running out of my room with my chest heaving.

I opened Josh's bedroom door and shut it hastily before racing to his bed. He was asleep.

"Josh!" I shook him. "Josh! Wake up!"

"Huh?" He mumbled, rolling over to turn on his lamp. "What's wrong, Ash?"

"I-I had t-that dream, again. Can I-I s-s-sleep w-with you?" I sobbed, hot tears running down my cheeks. " _Please?_ "

"Yeah." He nodded. "Yeah, get in. You can sleep by the wall."

I climbed over him and got under the covers, clinging to him immediately. He wrapped his arms around me, hushing me as he stroked my hair.

"It's okay, Ash." He kissed the top of my head as I sobbed against the soft fabric of his shirt. "No one's gonna hurt you. I won't let 'em."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ashley had a nightmare about an experience with her abuser.


	41. Powerless

****

**Tyler's POV**

_December 22nd, 1997_

I walked into the classroom, a tray of Christmas cookies in my arms, when I noticed Josh at his desk; his coat and hat still on with his head laying on his arms. Something's wrong.

"Tyler!" Mrs. Snyder grinned, taking the tray of cookies from me. "These look delicious! Tell your mother thank you."

I nodded and made my way over to my desk. I shrugged off my coat and hat, the ski mask Josh made me, and plopped down beside him.

"Hey."

"Hi." His voice was muffled from laying his head on the desk.

"So... are you excited for the Christmas party today?" I leaned closer to him.

"Thrilled."

"Beats having a regular school day, right?" I let out a nervous laugh.

Josh lifted his head from his desk and slowly turned his head toward me. His eyes were red rimmed and I've never seen his face look so sad before... He blinked once then shook his head.

"Josh.. what's wrong?" I whispered.

"I can't tell you." He sighed before laying his head back down.

I felt my heart drop in my stomach. The splash of bile rise in my throat. This is bad... He tells me everything.

"Okay, kids!" Mrs. Snyder's cheery voice rang out. "Today, we're going to make Christmas sweaters! I've got all kinds of paint, so come grab a white sweater and get started!"

I took one last look at Josh before getting up to grab the both of us a sweater and some paint. He never moved.  
  


I had sat the sweater, folded neatly, next to Josh and told him I got paint for us to share but all he did was hum in confirmation that he'd heard me. I was almost done painting snowflakes on mine when Mrs. Snyder walked over.

"Josh?" She placed her hand on his back and he flinched, shooting upright in his seat. "Are you okay? You haven't started on your sweater."

He exhaled deeply and unfolded the sweater, smoothing it out on his desk before picking up a squeeze bottle of black paint. Mrs. Snyder patted him on the shoulder and walked away, checking on how the other kids were doing.

I peered out of the corner of my eye, watching Josh outline what looked like a reindeer. I fixed my gaze on his face; his brows were knitted together and his eyes were narrowed, his jaw clenched.

I went back to finish my sweater. I tried to stop thinking about Josh. About why he could be so mad, why he won't talk to me... I sat the glittery silver paint down and my eyes caught sight of what he was painting.

It was a reindeer with x's for eyes and its tongue was hanging out of its mouth. Its antlers looked like they had been cut off and were crossed underneath it like crossbones. Red paint ran down the reindeer's face. I watched as he picked the black paint up again and wrote "It's our secret" above the reindeer's head.

"Josh.." I grabbed his arm. He flinched and turned his head, his puffy eyes staring back at mine. "You-- I- You gotta throw that away. Mrs. Snyder will freak out."

"And?" His tone of voice was harsh.

"And-- You could get in trouble. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Hey!" He called to Mrs. Keith, who began walking towards us. "I finished my sweater."

He smiled wickedly up at her as her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. "J-Josh.. I- um, I--" She picked up the sweater but before she could take it away, Josh grabbed the sleeve of it.

"What are you doing? That's _my_ sweater. I made it." He sneered.

"Josh, honey, you can't--"

"Don't call me that!" He yelled.

"I-I'm sorry, Josh. This is inappropriate. I can't let you make something like this." She gave him a sad smile.

"You know what's inappropriate?" He stood up. "Adults making children do something they don't want to do. Adults telling children what is good for them and what is bad, when they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. Now.. give me my sweater back."

Mrs. Snyder let go of the sweater, stunned just like everyone else in class.

 

 

The school served us a "Christmas dinner" for lunch. A slice of grey turkey, fake mashed potatoes, under cooked stuffing, and canned cranberry jelly. I stifled my vomit as I walked to our table, where Mike and Jordan were already picking at their food.

"Hey, guys." I sat back in my seat, picking up my fork and moving the food around on my plate. "Where's Josh?"

Mike shrugged. "Haven't seen him since he told Mrs. Snyder off."

"I wish I could tell my mom off like that." Jordan sighed.

"Somethin's up with him. He wouldn't even talk to me this morning." I shook my head.

"Maybe he just hates Christmas?" Mike flicked a piece of stuffing at the girl's table.

"No, he was excited for it last week but now he's... I don't know."

Just then, Josh walked into the cafeteria, skipping the lunch line and heading straight towards us. He slumped down in his seat, never taking his eyes off the white plastic table. Mike, Jordan and I all shared wary looks before I decided to speak up.

"Not hungry?"

He shook his head. Silent. Eyes vacant.

"Ah, don't worry." Mike shot him a small smile. "This crap they're serving today could probably make you puke. 'Sides, there's tons of Christmas cookies and stuff in the classroom for the party."

Josh shrugged a shoulder.

A few moments of awkward silence passed before Jordan turned towards Josh. "That was pretty cool, earlier. When you told off my mom." Jordan looked back at me when Josh didn't respond. I shrugged my shoulder and shook my head.

"You alright, dude?" Mike asked.

"Yep."

The rest of lunchtime, we all sat in silence picking at our food while Josh stayed zoned out.  
  


We had recess in the gym, since there was still a foot of snow outside and I'm sure the school didn't want any complaints about kids falling and hurting themselves. I was playing one on one with Jordan when Mike came up to me and knocked the ball out of my hands.

"What the heck, dude?"

"Josh isn't in here, Tyler." Mike's tone of voice was laced with frustration. "I'm worried."

I felt my chest constrict and the room started to spin. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. "I know where he is. Be right back."

I jogged over to Mr. Reynolds. "Hey, can I go to the bathroom?"

As soon as he nodded his head, I ran out of the room and to the boy's bathroom. I opened the door quietly, grimacing at the squeak of the rusty hinges. I shuffled to the last stall and softly knocked on the door.

"Josh?"

I heard sniffling and movement until he unlocked the door, opening it to reveal his bloodshot eyes and tear stained face. I rushed forward and hugged him tightly before shutting the door and locking it.

"Okay, I know you don't want to talk about it. And--"

"Tyler, I--"

"Let me finish."

He nodded and sat on the floor, his back against the wall. I sat down next to him.

"I know you're mad and upset about something.. so just tell me." I grabbed his hand but he pushed it away.

"I already told you, Tyler... I can't." He sounded broken.

"Why not?"

"Because.. it's a secret." He stifled a sob.

"I thought we agreed to not keeping secrets... that friends don't lie?"

"Yeah.. we did but if I tell you this-- You're not gonna want to be my friend anymore." He shook his head. "Just like everyone else."

I placed my hands on both sides of his face, forcing him to look at me. "Josh, I've already told you... nothing you can say will make me want to stop being your friend, so just tell me!"

He whimpered, biting his bottom lip before nodding. "Okay.. okay, I'll tell you."

I moved so that I was sitting in front of him, holding his hands in mine.

"My-- Ashley and I are being forced to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my Nana and Pawpaw." He inhaled a deep breath. "She drops us off tomorrow."

I shook my head. "I don't-- Why is that a bad thing?"

He threw his head back, shaking it back and forth on the wall he was leaning against.

"They're my father's parents."

I didn't mean to gasp but he noticed.

"Yeah." He let out a chuckle that formed into a sob before looking back at me. "You know that kid that was being an idiot at your party?"

I nodded, my heart beating rapidly.

"That was my cousin. He'll be there along with my other cousin and they-- they do--" He took his hands out of mine and placed his head in them. "They force u-us to do t-things. Bad things."

"What kind of things, Josh?"

"They say it's normal and it's-- it's okay, but--" He sobbed. "I _know_ , Tyler. It's wrong."

I scooted over beside him and wrapped my arms around his shaking frame.

"It's wrong and-- there's n-nothing I can do about it."

"Hey." I lifted his head to make him face me. "Take the walkie talkie with you. I want you to talk to me _anytime_ you need to. Anytime you want to. I don't care what time it is. You talk to me, okay?"

He nodded, tears trailing down his cheeks. I hugged him tightly as he sobbed into my chest. I rested my chin on top of his head, anger rushing through my veins and tears welling up in my eyes.  
  


I gotta do something about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't been updating as frequent as I usually do. I kind of had a mental breakdown and was almost admitted into a mental hospital. I'm hanging in there now.. and I'm trying. Writer's block is kind of hitting me so I don't know how frequent updates will be now but I'm not leaving this story. And it's gonna be a loooooong story, so.. sorry about that.


	42. Omit

****

**Josh's POV**

_ December 23rd, 1997 _

I had my suitcase packed and ready to go but there's one last thing I was searching for; my knife. I rummaged through my dresser drawers, my closet, under my bed.. but still no trace of it. Asking Ashley if she's seen it will risk the chance of someone overhearing our conversation; she would never rat me out.

I let out a deep sigh and flopped down on my bed, placing my head in my hands. Just breathe, Josh. You have to be brave for Ashley.

"Knock, knock." Speak of the devil.

"Come in!"

She opened my bedroom door slowly and peaked her head in. "Can I come in?"

I scoffed. "Of course. Why are you even asking, loser?" I patted the spot beside me.

She smiled and ran over to me, climbing up on my bed and wrapping her arms around me tightly. "Dork."

"Love you, too. Butt head." I chuckled.

I hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. "We're gonna be alright, Ash. Okay? I'll make sure of it."

She peered up at me from where her head was laying on my chest. "Is that why you've been ransacking your room looking for your knife?"

"How did you--"

She raised up and pulled my knife from her jean pocket, grinning. "I came in here and took it when Momma was yelling at you from the stunt you pulled at school."

I smiled, shaking my head, as she placed the knife in my hand. "You're sneaky."

Ashley shrugged, a smug smile on her face. "Have to be in this family."

We stared at each other for a few moments before we both burst into a fit of laughter, clutching our bellies and laying back on my bed. When our laughter died down she scooted closer to me and laid her head on my chest, letting out a sigh.

"You know that Noah has a knife, too... right?"

"Yes, Ashley." I rolled my eyes. "But he wasn't taught how to use one by _our_ batshit father." I grinned cheekily.

She smacked my chest. "Josh! The last thing we need is for you to get into serious trouble because you stab him in his sleep."

I sat up, furrowing my eyebrows. "Who said anything about stabbing? It's only for intimidation. They're not going to touch us, Ash."

She nodded then reached into her other pocket, handing me batteries. I gave her a wary look.

Ashley rolled her eyes and nudged my shoulder. "For your walkie talkie. In case the batteries die."

"But--"

"I heard you whispering to Tyler last night." She sighed.

"Oh." I bit my bottom lip and stared at the batteries in my palm.

"You have to be careful, Josh. You know if Pawpaw finds out he'll-- And if Noah or Shelby find out, they'll take it and rat you out. Or worse, they'll keep it for themselves."

"Yeah. They're stupid enough to think one walkie talkie is worth stealing." I scoffed.

She snorted. "They're stupid enough to think they can mess with you."

"Kids!" Momma's voice called from downstairs. "It's time to go!"

"Quick!" Ashley jumped up, running to my door. "Hide those in your socks! You know Pawpaw will go through our stuff."

I nodded then she was gone.

I unlaced my boot and shoved my pocket knife in the side of it, on the inside of my ankle. I opened my suitcase again and stuck the batteries and walkie talkie in a pair of rolled up socks after turning the walkie talkie off. I zipped up my suitcase and rushed to my bedroom door, my bag in one hand and my other hand on the doorknob. I took one last look at my room before exhaling through my nose and shutting the door.

 

 

 

I sat in the backseat next to Jordan, while Ashley sat up front with Momma. Snow had already begun to fall again as soon as we hit the highway. Great. More things to worry about. What if Momma has a wreck on her way back home? What if Ash and I get snowed in at Nana and Pawpaw's?

I sighed and laid my head back on the headrest. Jordan started waving one of his toys in my face.

"Jordan, knock it off."

He just giggled and let out a shriek of excitement.

I shook my head. "So, why doesn't Jordan have to go, Momma?"

"You think I trust your Nana and Pawpaw to watch him?" She scoffed. " _No way_."

"Oh, so it's okay to hand off your other kids to people that are incapable of taking care of children?"

"Josh." Momma peered at me through the rear view mirror. "We talked about this."

"Whatever." I mumbled under my breath.

I turned my head to look out the window, watching the snow covered trees blur as we drove past. I closed my eyes and let myself feel the chill of the window on my cheek. The world around me became fuzzy and muffled as if someone was holding pillows over my ears. Jordan's shouting, Momma's yelling, Ashley's arguing, the faint sound of the radio playing Christmas music... it all faded away. I needed to feel more.

I rolled my window down and stuck my head out, letting the snow melt on my face and coat my hat. This was a feeling. The freezing air whipping around my face, causing my breath to catch in my chest, making everything disappear for a while. I inhaled a deep breath and rested my head on the opened car window. I held my breath until my lungs burned and the ache in my chest became unbearable. I exhaled and opened my eyes.

We were on their street. Every house was decorated with lights and fake reindeer, nativity scenes where baby Jesus was buried in snow. Every house but one. We have arrived. _Yay._

"Josh!" My mother's voice made my head snap up. She had her eyebrows furrowed and a scowl on her face. "Roll that window up! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I scoffed, rolling the window back up and unbuckling my seatbelt as Ashley got out of the car; Momma following and opening the back door of the car to get Jordan out of his car seat. I walked to the back of the car with Ashley to get our suitcases out of the trunk. I slammed it shut and shuffled through the snow to the front door, where Momma was smiling with Jordan on her hip.

"Ready?" She grinned as if she wasn't about to make our lives a living hell.

Ashley nodded and I shrugged before she knocked on the door. Not a second later, Nana opened the door with a smile on her face and her arms outstretched to hug Jordan. I couldn't stop the small smile forming on my face as I watched her eyes light up. Nana was a good person. It's the others that should be thrown into the pits of hell. She's just as abused as the rest of us.

"Joshua! Ashley! Oh my word!" She held the door open for us to walk in the house. "You must be freezing! Come! Sit down! I'll make us some hot cocoa." She shuffled into the kitchen in her slippers.

"Uh, actually.." Momma began. "I wish I could stay but I gotta get back and start dinner. I'm so sorry."

_Liar._

"Oh, well that's a shame." Nana gave a small frown. "Maybe next time."

Pawpaw didn't say a word. He just stared at the television, like we weren't even here.

Momma kissed both of our heads before hugging us tightly. "I love you both, so much."

Jordan patted my head. "Bye, Bubba!"

"Call me if you need anything, okay?" Momma readjusted Jordan on her hip.

"Alright! Goddamn! That's enough." Pawpaw scoffed.

Momma closed her eyes and sighed. "Nice seeing you too, Tom." Then she was gone.

Ashley and I dropped our bags and ran to the window, pressing our faces to the glass as we watched our mother pull out of the driveway.

"Get your damn faces off the glass!" Pawpaw yelled.

Ashley and I whipped around to see Pawpaw shaking his head and Nana standing in the entryway of the kitchen, teary eyed with her hand over her mouth.

She cleared her throat and inhaled a deep breath. "C'mon, babies. Let's put your stuff up in your room, yeah?"

Ashley and I nodded as we picked up our suitcases and followed Nana into the guest bedroom.

 

 

After we put our things away, we sat at the kitchen table while Nana made us all some hot cocoa.

"S-So, when are Noah a-and Shelby getting here?" I stuttered out, fidgeting with my hands.

"They should be here soon." Nana smiled as she sat a mug in front of Ashley and I before sitting down with us, her own mug in her hands. "Your aunt wanted to drop them off.. but your Uncle Terry wanted to bring them. You know how that goes..."

I gulped and nodded, glancing at Ashley who was stirring the marshmallows in her mug.

"So... how's school?" Nana smiled.

"It's good. Ashley has a 7th grade reading level."

Nana gasped and placed her hand on Ashley's arm. "That's wonderful!"

Ashley grinned. "Yeah! And I--"

"Hey! We're here!" Uncle Terry's voice boomed throughout the house along with the yelling and shouting of our cousins.

"Well, there's my favorite faces!" Pawpaw shouted, chuckling.

Ashley and I looked at each other as Nana stood up and walked out of the kitchen.

"Only two more days, Ash." I whispered.

 

She bit her lip and nodded, staring back down at her mug of cocoa.


	43. Unwelcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger warning for this entire chapter: sexual abuse, child abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, rape/non-con elements*****

****

**Ashley's POV**

_ December 24th, 1997 _

I didn't sleep at all last night. After Noah and Shelby were dropped off, Nana started dinner; ham, mashed potatoes, hominy, bread and butter. Pawpaw yelled at me for not liking hominy then made fun of me for pushing the hominy on my fork with my fingers.

_"Don't do that! Ya look like a goddamn retard! Do ya want everyone in school to think you're so stupid that ya can't eat like a normal person?"_

Noah and Shelby joined in on making fun of me. Nana stayed silent. Josh kept looking at me then ate his food as fast as possible. He still wasn't excused from the table. Pawpaw said that just because he's a glutton and doesn't know how to eat, doesn't mean he can leave.

When we were finally able to leave the table, Josh and I helped Nana wash and dry the dishes. Shelby and Noah were in the living room with Pawpaw, talking about something but I tried to tune them out. They're his favorites. They don't come from _our_ father. Pawpaw hates Daddy. He always says that Daddy doesn't belong in jail, that he should have killed him a long time ago. Pawpaw doesn't even think Daddy is his real son. He calls Nana a whore.

I ended up having to sleep in the guest room with Shelby while Josh and Noah slept on the pull out couch. Josh tried to give me his knife but I told him he'd need it more than I would. Shelby was mean, as usual. She said my daddy is a bad person and that Josh will end up just like him. I chewed on the insides of my cheeks to keep my mouth shut. If I said or did anything she would run to Pawpaw and act like I was the one that's being mean.

Before we were ordered to go to sleep and turn the lights out, I pulled on my footie pajamas and laid as close to the wall as I could get. That didn't stop Shelby. I squeezed my eyes shut as she moved closer, so close that there wasn't any space between us. I kept my eyes shut tight as she whispered in my ear. As she forced me to roll over. As she got on top of me and pulled the zipper of my footie pajamas down.

_"You barely have any boobs... what's wrong with you?"_

I desperately tried to keep my sobs quiet as she stuck her hands in my underwear. As she grabbed my hand and shoved it in her underwear. I stared up at the ceiling as she rocked back and forth on top of me. I went numb.

 

 

I laid in bed with my pajamas unzipped, my underwear pushed down, and tears running down my face. Numb. I laid there until the darkness of the night was swallowed up by the grey of morning. I didn't move until I could hear Nana shuffling around in the kitchen through the thin walls and Pawpaw ordering her around.

"Aren't you gettin' up?" Shelby whispered. "It's Christmas Eve!"

How can she act like nothing happened?

"Oh my God, zip up your pajamas!" She scoffed. "Are you stupid?"

I watched her get out of bed, open the bedroom door and walk out of the room, being greeted with a cheery smile from Pawpaw as she walked into the bathroom. His smile dropped as soon as he saw me; still laying in bed with my pajamas unzipped. He walked to the door, placing his hands on both sides of the door frame and scowled at me.

"Are ya gonna zip that up or do I need to come in here and do it for ya?"

I shook my head frantically as I grabbed the zipper with shaky hands and zipped up my pajamas. When I sat up in bed and looked to the door, Pawpaw was gone but Shelby was in his place. She slowly brought a finger to her lips and smiled before running to the kitchen. I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat and got out of bed. I sluggishly walked out of the bedroom and padded into the kitchen, taking a seat beside Josh.

I laid my hands in my lap. You can't put your elbows on the table. You just can't.

"We had a blizzard last night!" Nana smiled as she placed a plate of biscuits and a bowl of white gravy on the table. "At least two feet of snow!"

My heart sunk. Josh grabbed my hand from under the table and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. I stared at my empty plate. This can't be happening.

"Well what the hell are ya waitin' for?!" Pawpaw shouted. "We ain't gonna serve ya."

"I-I'm not that hungry, Pawpaw." I muttered.

"Listen, you ungrateful little shit! You're gonna eat. Your Nana slaved over that stove all mornin' just for you kids." He grabbed four biscuits and placed them on his plate. "Now, eat."

I took one biscuit, sat it on my plate and waited for Pawpaw to fix his plate. He always eats too much. He slammed the bowl of gravy down. I flinched. I shouldn't have flinched.

"I said eat!" He shouted through a mouthful of food.

I began pulling my biscuit apart into tiny pieces. Before I grabbed the ladle, Pawpaw scoffed and shook his head.

"Goddamn it!" He dropped his fork and picked up my plate, placing another biscuit on it and ladling gravy over it. He sat my plate in front of me harshly, gravy splattering on the table. "Now, eat! And clean up that mess when you're done."

Noah and Shelby snickered, gravy coating their wicked grins. Pawpaw shoved another mouthful of food in his mouth before slamming his fist on the table, making all of us jump.

"Mother, you call this gravy?!" He sneered at Nana. "This is bullshit! Give me the salt and pepper!"

"Tom, I did everything you told me to--"

"I don't give a shit what I told ya!" He screamed. "Ya obviously didn't hear a word I said. In one ear and out the other! Just like that son of yours!"

She stood up from her chair and grabbed the salt and pepper, walking over to him and shaking each of them over his plate.

He snatched them out of her hands before pushing her away and muttering to himself about how useless we all are.

 

I could only eat half of what was on my plate at breakfast. Pawpaw punished me by sitting there, watching me until I finished all of it as Nana and Josh did the dishes while Noah and Shelby were outside playing in the snow.

 

 

Josh and I were in the guest bedroom getting dressed to go outside and shovel snow. We hadn't said anything to each other out of fear that someone would hear us. That's the thing; we didn't need to say anything. Josh knew what happened as soon as he saw my face this morning. I knew what happened when I saw the bruises on his wrists.

As we rushed out of the room and hurried past the TV, so Pawpaw wouldn't yell at us, his voice boomed throughout the living room and echoed in our ears.

"Shovels are by the door, outside! I want that walkway and the driveway clear, understood?"

"Yes, sir." Josh and I replied.

Noah and Shelby giggled from where they sat on the couch.

We shut the front door quietly behind us before grabbing the shovels and trudging through the snow.

 

By the time we were almost done with the driveway, the sun was going down. Josh walked over to the side of the house with his shovel before dropping it in the snow and pulling his walkie talkie out of his pocket.

"What are you doing?!" I harshly whispered, looking back at the windows of the house. "Noah and Shelby could see you and tell Pawpaw!"

"They're not gonna see me! Be quiet!"

I shook my head and went back to shoveling snow, glancing at the windows every so often. I tried to focus on what Josh was saying while watching out for him, but everything was blurring together.

"Hey, Ty. It's me."

"Josh! Are you okay?!" I smiled softly at the sound of Tyler's voice. I'm glad Josh has a good friend.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." He's lying. "It's not so--"

My head shot up as I heard the sickening laugh of Noah. Josh was pushed into the snow and the walkie talkie was in Noah's gloved hand.

"What's this?" He grinned. "My Christmas present?"

"Hey!" I shouted. "Give it back!"

"What are you gonna do about it, dumbass?" He taunted. "Maybe I should just show it to Pawpaw?"

"No!" Josh lifted himself up, shaking off the snow. "Just-- Take it, okay? Leave Ashley alone."

Noah snickered then knocked Josh back down, kicking him in the stomach.

"Stop!" I threw my shovel down, running over and pushing Noah. "Get away from him!"

Noah stepped closer to me until his nose was almost brushing mine. "This isn't over."

Hot tears fell down my cheeks as my breathing became rapid and uneven. Noah turned back to us and shot an evil smirk before disappearing behind the front door. My knees became weak and I fell in the snow beside Josh, who was groaning in pain.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry, Josh."

"It's not your fault, Ash." He mumbled, grimacing as he sat up and put his arm around me. "I have an idea."


	44. Belie

****

**Tyler's POV**

"Tyler!" Zack was on my bed, shaking me. "Tyler, wake up! There's so much snow outside!"

"Wha--" I yawned. "That's great, Zack."

"Come look!" He pulled on my hand. "You gotta see this!"

"Fine." I sighed, rubbing my eyes and stumbling over to our bedroom window. I blinked a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the blinding white of the snow covering _everything_. My eyes grew wide as my stomach dropped. "No."

"No?" Zack took his face off the glass, narrowing his eyes at me. "Whaddya mean 'no'?! This is awesome! We can make snowmen! Have snowball fights! We're totally gonna win this year! And we can--"

"Zack!" I turned away from the window and placed my hands on his shoulders. "Go downstairs. Tell Mom that we're both up and I'll be down for breakfast in a few minutes. 'Kay?"

He nodded and ran out of our bedroom. I waited until I heard his small voice yelling excitedly about the snow before I lifted my mattress and grabbed my walkie talkie. I pressed my finger on the button.

"Josh?" Nothing.

"Josh, are you there?"

I sat on my bed holding the walkie talkie tightly in my hands and staring at it, waiting for Josh to respond as I rocked back and forth.

He never did.

Mom came in our room, dressed in a silly Christmas sweater and blinking Christmas light bulbs hanging from her ears. "Tyler? Honey, are you coming down for breakfast?"

I quickly hid the walkie talkie under my legs. "Yeah! I'll be there in a minute." I forced a cheery smile. "Had... bathroom problems."

She frowned. "I hope you're not getting sick." As she walked forward, my heartbeat sped up. She placed the back of her hand on my forehead. "You don't feel hot. Hmm... Well, whenever you're ready, come on down." She walked back to the door. "I made french toast!"

"Yum!" I forced another grin and the minute she left the room, my fake smile dropped and the world began to spin faster and faster.

Something is wrong with Josh. I just know it. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to keep my walkie talkie on me all day without Mom and Dad finding out.

 

 

I decided to get dressed before going downstairs for breakfast. I pulled on my snow pants and snow boots, a hoodie over my thermals, and grabbed my hat and scarf. I made sure the volume on the walkie talkie was turned down low before securing it in the pocket of my pants. I hurried down to the kitchen and immediately dug in, shoveling food in my mouth and gulping down my milk.

"You late for an important meeting, bud?" Dad chuckled.

"Did you see the snow?" I raised my eyebrows. "I gotta get started on making snowballs."

"You gotta wait for me, Tyler!" Zack whined.

I drank the last bit of milk in my glass and wiped my mouth before smiling at Zack. "Sorry, Zack." I got up from my seat and walked over to my mom, kissing her on the cheek. "Breakfast was great, Mom."

"Thank you, honey." She smiled.

I kissed Maddy's forehead. "See ya later, Mads."

I ran to the front door, wrapped my scarf around my neck and pulled my snow coat, ski mask, and gloves on. I grabbed the door knob and opened the door to be met with at least two feet of snow blocking the entryway.

Dad snickered from the kitchen, "You might wanna grab the snow shovel from the garage, son!"

I tossed my head back, shaking it back and forth before muttering, "Why me?"

 

 

After digging my way out of the house, I ran to the backyard and pulled out the walkie talkie.

I turned the volume up before pressing my finger on the button.

"Josh? Are you there?"

Nothing.

"Josh, please respond." I whimpered. "Please..."

"There you are!" I whipped around to see Zack trudging through the snow. "Whatcha doin'?"

I held the walkie talkie in front of his face before pocketing it again. He nodded and gave me a tight lipped smile.

"He still not talkin' to ya?"

I scoffed. "Zack, it's not like he's choosing not to. He _can't_."

Zack sunk to his knees in the snow, beginning on rolling up snowballs. "Why not?"

"Because!" I shouted. "Okay?"

"Is-- Would somethin' bad happen?"

"Yeah." I sighed, sinking to my knees and helping him make snowballs. "His grandparents and cousins are bad people, Zack."

He pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. "What kind of bad people? Like murderers?"

"I don't know." I shook my head, completing my 15th snowball.

"Robbers? Kidnappers? Drug dealers? Homosexuals? The Mafia? What about--"

"Shut up, Zack!" I yelled. "I don't know, okay?! Josh wouldn't tell me exactly but I know it's bad."

"Sorry."

"And don't compare homosexuals to bad people! They're not." I sighed.

"But Dad, Mom, the pastor, pretty much everyone says--"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah? Well, they're wrong. And dumb."

"Okay... But even the Bible says that--"

"Shut up!" I threw a snowball at Zack's face and walked away.

"Hey! Where are you goin'?" He yelled after me.

"None of your business!" I turned around. "And if you tell Mom or Dad _anything_ , I'll shave your head in your sleep."

 

 

I ended up at the park. The same one Josh and I always go to.

I brushed the snow off of a swing and pulled the walkie talkie out of my pocket before sitting down. I stared at the faded yellow and made sure the volume was all the way up. I'm going to sit here as long as it takes. I told him I would be there for him and I will.

 

 

I pushed my ski mask up and rubbed a hand down my face. The sun is starting to go down. Normally, it would be a beautiful sight to see but right now it feels like time is running out. I grabbed onto the chain attached to the swing and held on tightly. I gripped the walkie talkie like it would be yanked out of my hand.

_He has to be okay_. Maybe he's just having fun? I told him to talk to me if something was wrong... or if he just wanted to talk. Maybe he--

A soft crackling noise came through the speaker before I heard his voice. "Hey, Ty. It's me."

I've never pressed that button harder. "Josh! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." I let out a sigh of relief. "It's not so--"

"Josh?"

Nothing.

"Josh?!"

My hands started shaking and the sigh of relief was replaced with a helpless sob. I knew something was wrong. _I knew it._

And I can't do anything about it.

 

 

I sat on the swing, crying until I couldn't anymore; until the pink of the sky began to fade into a soft lilac. I wiped the snot and tears off my face. I closed my eyes and hung my head, sighing in defeat. I don't care if Mom and Dad will be mad. I don't care if they send me to my room without dinner. I don't care if they take away my Christmas presents. As long as I have this walkie talkie on me, that's all that matters. As long as I hear from Josh and know that he's okay.

 

 

When I walked in the front door I was prepared for yelling, a smack on the back of my head, an hour lecture, anything other than what actually happened. My mom was waiting on the bottom of the stairs with her head in her hands. My dad was sitting next to her, rubbing her back. The sound of the door shutting softly caused my mom's head to snap up. She rushed forward and held me tightly in her arms.

"Oh my baby!" She sobbed, shoving my hat off of my head and running her fingers through my hair. "Are you okay?! What happened? Are you hurt?"

"Mom, I'm fine." My voice was muffled by her sweater. "I'm not hurt." Not physically, at least.

She pulled away and held my arms. "Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Want some hot cocoa?"

"I'm not hungry, Mom." I gave her a small smile and brushed the hair out of her eyes. "I just want to go to bed."

She nodded her head and kissed my forehead. "You go get your pajamas on and I'll be up in a minute to tuck you in, okay?"

I nodded and hugged her before stopping in front of my dad, who was still sitting on the bottom step. "I'm sorry, Dad."

He stood up, smiling with glassy eyes. "It's okay, son." He patted my shoulder. "I'm just glad you're home."

He walked past me and followed my mom into the kitchen. A single tear fell as I watched him embrace my mom and run his hands through her hair. I toed off my snow boots and walked upstairs, shrugging my coat off when I walked into my bedroom. My bedside lamp was turned on and Zack was already in bed, facing the wall.

I changed into my pajamas and hid the walkie talkie under my pillow after turning the volume down. Mom came in just as I climbed into bed. She tucked me in and leaned down to kiss my cheek.

"Goodnight, honey. I love you so much." She gave a sad smile.

"I love you too, Mom." I smiled. "G'night."

She kissed my forehead before walking over to Zack, kissing his cheek and leaving our room, shutting the door quietly.

I grabbed the walkie talkie and laid it on my chest, staring at the ceiling.

"Tyler?" Zack whispered, turning over to face me.

"I thought you were asleep?"

He shook his head. "I couldn't. Not until you came home."

"Well, I'm here. So go to sleep."

He leaned up on his elbows. "I didn't tell. And I'm not gonna say anything about Josh to Mom or Dad."

The corners of my mouth turned up a little. "Thanks, Zack."

"I-Is Ashley with Josh, too?"

I sat up. "Yeah. Why?"

He laid back down and looked up at the ceiling. "Let me know if she's okay."

"I will." I grinned. "G'night, Zacky."

Just as I was going to lay back down, a soft crackle came from the speaker of the walkie talkie in my hands.

"Tyler?"

That's not Josh's voice. Zack shot up in bed, his eyes wide.

"Yeah.. w-who is this?"

"Your worst nightmare." I heard the stranger chuckle.

"Who are you? Where is Josh?" I harshly whispered.

"Josh?" He snorted. "Don't worry 'bout him. I got it covered."

Then everything went silent.

I pulled at my hair and tried not to scream. Zack got into my bed and wrapped his arms around me. I felt hot and dizzy and I wanted to punch someone. I want to scream. I want to hurt that person. 

 

I threw up on my bed instead.


	45. Desecrate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings: sexual abuse, non-consensual, rape*****

**Josh's POV**

_The Night of Christmas Eve_

At dinner, Ashley and I ate what we were given and did our best to make Pawpaw happy. He was pleased with the driveway and sidewalk. He said we could have done it a little faster but at least he wasn't mad. Ashley and Nana did the dishes while I scrubbed Pawpaw's feet and changed his socks. Soon enough, Pawpaw went to bed and Nana had a surprise for us.

All of us shuffled into the kitchen and sat down at the table. She had placed two baking trays with wax paper on top, a jar of peanut butter, two butter knives, and a box of Ritz crackers on the table.

"You kids are gonna make peanut butter crackers and then we'll pour melted chocolate on 'em!" She grinned, stirring a pot on the stove.

I noticed a small smile form on Ashley's face, the first one since we arrived. Noah and Shelby fought over who got to spread the peanut butter while I just rolled my eyes and stood up from my seat. I walked over to the pantry and pulled out another jar of peanut butter and grabbed another butter knife from the drawer. Nana winked at me. I smirked, winking back at her.

After a few thrown crackers and Noah running around, smearing peanut butter on our faces, we finally finished making the peanut butter crackers. Nana giggled the entire time. Even when she was pouring the melted chocolate over the sandwich crackers and Noah kept trying to stick his finger in the pot.

"You won't be gigglin' when you scorch your finger, boy!" She laughed.

"When can we eat 'em?!" Shelby whined.

"Not until tomorrow, sugar. They gotta cool in the fridge." Nana smiled.

Shelby and Noah huffed, rolling their eyes before stomping out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"They look really good, Nana." Ashley's voice was small.

"Well, they should! You helped after all." Nana kissed her on the cheek. "Now, you two go in the living room while I clean up this mess."

Ashley and I nodded as we slid out of our chairs and joined Noah and Shelby in the living room.

 

Shelby was sitting in Pawpaw's recliner, headphones on and listening to whatever bullshit was playing in her CD player while she practiced crocheting. Noah was sprawled out on the pullout couch, laying on his stomach and watching TV. Ashley quickly made her way over to the love seat and dug out some yarn and a crochet needle. Noah winked at me and patted the spot next to him.

I sighed and reluctantly sat down beside him, crossing my legs. He was trying to get me to focus on the stupid cartoon that was playing but the only thing I could focus on was the fact he has my walkie talkie. He obviously hasn't told on me because Pawpaw would have said something. What if he talks to Tyler? What if he already has?

"You wanna get under the blankets?" Noah asked, feigning innocence.

"No, I--"

"You kids can't stay up too late." Nana walked in. I breathed out a sigh of relief. "Santa will be comin' soon." She sat beside Ashley and grabbed her own ball of yarn and crochet needle.

"Whatcha workin' on, baby girl?" She smiled at Ashley.

"I-I was trying to finish the scarf I made last year."

Shelby scoffed. "You still haven't finished that? I've already made four scarves _and_ a blanket since you started that stupid scarf."

Ashley ducked her head down and tried to focus on what she was doing.

"Then what're you workin' on there, Shelby?" Nana raised an eyebrow at her.

"Oh-- I-I was just workin' on perfecting my chains." She stuck her nose in the air

"Well, you're gonna waste all that yarn on a chain when you could be making something.. like Ashley is." Nana smirked. "Practice makes perfect, but it's better to practice making something you can actually use instead of jus' makin' chains all day long."

Shelby gasped and the corners of Ashley's mouth turned up slightly.

"And I think your scarf is comin' along fine, Ashley." Nana smiled. "Your loops and chains have improved so much!"

"Thank you, Nana." Ashley smiled. "I couldn't have done it without you, though."

"Oh please!" Nana kissed the top of Ashley's head.

"Nana!" Shelby whined. "I need your help!"

I swear, everyone but Shelby rolled their eyes at her pathetic attempt for attention.

 

After Nana helped Shelby with her lack of attention and Ashley finished her scarf, it was time for bed. I hugged Ashley tightly before she disappeared behind the guest bedroom door. The only light in the living room was coming from the Christmas tree, that was next to my side of the pullout bed. I picked up my boots and sat down on the bed, placing them on the floor next to me. I made sure my knife was still tucked into them before getting under the blankets and laying back on my pillow.

 

****TRIGGER WARNING****

 

Just as I let out a breath and attempted to calm my nerves, Noah came slinking out of the bathroom, a sly smirk on his face and the walkie talkie in his hands. The darkness of the room made his eyes look hollow, darkening the shadows on his face, as he crawled into the bed. He stared at me the entire time until he was resting on his knees, right in front of my face. He stuck the walkie talkie in my face, his eyes full of something sinister.

"I talked to your _boyfriend_ , Tyler." He whispered.

My blood ran cold. "He's not-- W-What did you s-say to h-h-him?"

"Not much." He shrugged. "Just that I've got you taken care of and not to worry."

Whether he was lying or not didn't matter. I knew what he meant by that but I doubt Tyler could ever imagine what it meant. Noah flopped on his back, letting out a sigh and looking at the walkie talkie in his hands.

"Do you wanna talk to him, Josh?"

The words got stuck in my throat. Even if I say yes there's a chance he won't let me, he'll break it, or something.. worse. If I say no...

"Hello?" He waved his hand in front of my face. "Did you hear me, stupid?"

"Uh- Yeah, I-- Yes." I discreetly slipped my hand down from the bed and reached into my boot, gripping my knife.

"Hmm." He tapped his chin, looking up at the ceiling before turning back to me, a devious grin on his face. "What's in it for me?"

I gulped.

He leaned in closer to me. "Anything I want?" He whispered in my ear. "Anything I tell you to do?"

I slowly opened my pocket knife with one hand, raising it up to his throat. "Give it to me. Now."

His eyes widened. I thought I had actually intimidated him before he started laughing. "Oh, poor Joshua." He smiled. "How about you give me the knife and I'll give you the walkie talkie, yeah?"

My heart sped up. This could go really bad. I know he has a knife. Probably in the pocket of his pajamas. He could do anything. I nodded, hesitantly handing him the knife.

He grinned, pocketing the knife before leaping out of bed and dashing into the kitchen. My breath quickened as I heard him rummaging around in drawers. Pawpaw and Nana wouldn't wake up; not with Pawpaw's night meds and C-PAP machine and Nana's sleep meds. Shit. What have I done...

 

He sauntered back into the living room, creeping towards the mattress with a roll of duct tape and the walkie talkie in his hands. He crawled towards me like I was his prey. Like he was a lion and I'm a stupid gazelle that tied myself up and handed myself over on a silver platter. He sat beside me, an eyebrow raised and an amused smirk on his dumb face.

"Don't worry. This is just for the walkie talkie." He snickered. "I had to put new batteries in it and I'll have to duct tape the back of it so the batteries won't fall out. I guess it got a bit.. messed up when I took it from you."

I nodded, staying silent.

He sat there, staring at me, his eyes holding something ominous as his grin slowly slipped into a stone expression. "Roll over." He ordered. "Remember? Whatever I tell you to do."

I attempted to swallow the lump forming in my throat as I rolled onto my stomach. "But I-I still get to talk to him, right?"

"Oh yeah." I heard the duct tape unroll. "He'll hear you."

"Wait. What do you--" I turned my head to look at him just for Noah to push my face into the pillow.

"Stay still."

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood, waiting for what he has planned. He grabbed my hands and wrapped the tape around my wrists before yanking my head back and placing tape over my mouth. Snot ran down my face as I sobbed. I knew it. I fell for it. I'm so stupid.

"Shut up!" He harshly whispered in my ear, his fingers grabbing my hair. "You wanna talk to Tyler, right?" I nodded. He chuckled. "Then stop crying and do what I say."

All I could see was the stupid Christmas tree as Noah pulled down my pants, along with my underwear, before he placed the walkie talkie beside my head... the duct tape holding the button down.

I could hear Tyler sobbing out my name as Noah shoved a finger inside me. My cries were muffled by the tape over my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut tight as he shoved a second finger inside me, ripping a pained groan from my throat. The only sounds I could hear were Tyler calling out for me, Noah whispering disgusting things in my ear, and clinking noises from the ornaments on the Christmas tree. 

Sobs wracked my body when Noah finally pushed into me. I heard the click of his knife before it was pressed to my neck. I went numb as he used my body. Tyler's voice became muffled and sounded far off in the distance. I focused on one of the stupid ornaments as I willed myself to become numb, to leave my body for however long it took. Until he collapsed beside me, ripping the tape off my wrists and mouth, ordering me to roll over and go to sleep.

He said he would give me the walkie talkie back before I leave tomorrow.

 

I didn't sleep that night. All I could think about was Ashley... and what might have happened to her.


	46. Plastic Christmas

****

**Josh's POV**

_ December 25th, 1997 _

I squeezed my eyes shut as I heard someone shuffling towards me. I felt someone run their fingers through my hair.

"Do you wanna stop playin' possum and come help your Nana make breakfast?" My Nana's soft voice whispered in my ear.

I slowly opened my eyes, a small smile forming on my face as I was met with her warm smile and kind eyes. I nodded and slipped out of bed, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down to cover my hands. Before I followed her into the kitchen, I noticed more presents under the tree. I shook my head, smiling, as I padded across the tile floor, going to the fridge to grab the eggs.

I cracked the entire dozen of eggs and began scrambling them in a metal bowl. The whisk scraped the inside of the bowl as I mixed them furiously, my eyebrows knitted together in anger.

"Ya tryin' to get 'em done quick, babe?" Nana chuckled.

I gulped, nodding as I slowed my movements. "Yeah. I-I'm just.. excited to unwrap the presents."

She giggled, taking the bowl of raw scrambled eggs from me. "We'll open presents after breakfast, honey." She handed me the tin of biscuits. "Open them for me, would ya? Nana's hands aren't as good as they used to be."

I whacked the tin on the edge of the counter, the pop echoing throughout the kitchen as the raw dough emerged from the cardboard. I placed the biscuits on the baking tray, making sure they were placed evenly with the correct space between them.

Nana snickered as she took the tray from me and placed it in the oven. "Go wake up the rest of the kids. I've got it covered from here, Joshua."

 

 

My heart sped up as I padded my way out of the kitchen and crept to the guest bedroom. The door was shut but it wasn't locked. I took a deep breath before I grabbed the doorknob and cracked the door open. I peeked in to see Ashley pressed against the wall, naked, and Shelby sleeping soundly, taking up most of the bed.

I slipped into the room, silently, carefully approaching Ashley.

"Ash?" I whispered. "Are you awake?"

She slowly turned her head towards me, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. "I couldn't sleep."

"Where are your clothes?" I moved closer to her.

She pointed to the chair next to the bedside table. I nodded and crept over to the chair, careful not to wake Shelby. I waved Ashley over as I grabbed her pajamas. She slipped out of the bed, watching Shelby the entire time, scared of waking her.

I rushed over to her and handed her the pajamas. "Noah isn't up. Only Nana and she's cookin'. Run to the bathroom."

She nodded and slipped through the crack in the door heading toward the bathroom.

I looked back at Shelby before leaving the room. She had a peaceful look on her face, softly snoring, with all of her clothes on. I clenched my jaw, gritting my teeth, as I neared her. I hovered over her face, anger clearly spread on my face.

"Wake the fuck up." I shoved her shoulder.

She jerked away from me, blinking rapidly until her eyes grew wide.

I didn't say anything else as I walked out of the room and made my way to the living room.

I walked over to Noah's side of the bed, studying his sleeping form. His mouth was open, snoring loudly, sprawled out across the bed. I looked down beside the bed, hoping I could find the walkie talkie. It was nowhere to be found; meaning he has it on him. I slowly pulled the covers back after looking behind me to make sure Shelby hasn't come out yet. Noah's right pocket had a large bulge and his left had what I assume my knife along with his.

I could grab my knife and the walkie talkie but there'd be a chance he would wake up. That wouldn't turn out well. I poked his leg, testing how deep of a sleep he was under.  He didn't move. I gently slid my hand in his left pocket, watching his face, I felt the cold metal of the knives. Just as I gripped the knives I heard a harsh whisper, causing me to whip around.

"Don't do it." Ashley shook her head frantically.

I sighed, taking my hand out of his pocket. I opted for shaking his shoulder.

"Noah." I grumbled. "Wake up."

He groaned as he rubbed his eyes. He blinked a couple times before looking up at me with a grin. "Mornin', Joshua." He winked.

I scoffed before walking away and rolling my eyes. I grabbed Ashley's hand and led her into the kitchen. We were greeted with Nana's smiling face, the smell of bacon, eggs, warm biscuits and her homemade gravy. We sat down with a sigh, preparing ourselves for the rest of the day.

 

 

Breakfast was okay. Pawpaw ate most of the eggs. And by most I mean he ate 3/4 of the plate.

After Noah and I pushed the pullout bed back in the couch and I put the sheets in the washing machine, we were all sitting in the living room.

Shelby set up her boombox, playing Christmas music. Nana beamed at the fake display of a perfect Christmas. Pawpaw sat in his recliner, a displeased look on his face.

"Okay, kids!" Nana grinned. "Open your gifts!"

Ashley and I sat next to each other on the couch while Noah and Shelby scrambled across the floor to the tree, rummaging through the presents until they found all of theirs. Eight for each of them. I stood up and padded over to the tree, picking up the gifts for us. All four of them.

I sat back down, handing Ashley her two gifts with a small smile on my face.

I noticed Ashley trying to ignore Shelby shrieking over her gift "that she always wanted"; the Barbie Dream House. I didn't miss the look of disappointment washing over Ashley's small features. I watched her open her gift from Nana and Pawpaw; a bright pink pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt. She smiled nonetheless. 

"Open yours, Bubby." She nudged my shoulder.

I sighed as I tore the wrapping paper off and opened the box, revealing a matching dark blue pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt. I forced a smile as Ashley and I chorused a 'thank you' to Nana and Pawpaw. Nana grinned while Pawpaw rolled his eyes.

Shelby sat in a circle of Barbie gifts and 'cute' clothes. She wouldn't stop rambling about how her blonde hair matched every Barbie she got. I rolled my eyes, wishing I could poke out hers.

"Wanna open Santa's presents at the same time?" I asked Ashley, sarcasm lacing my voice.

She giggled, nodding before ripping the wrapping paper off the box.

We opened our boxes at the same time. 

Ashley got a Barbie with red hair. She grinned as she held the box up to examine the doll that resembled her.

I sat in awe as I stared at the gift in the box. A brand new pair of walkie talkies. I snapped my head up, my eyes wide and my mouth agape, looking at Nana in complete amazement. She winked, grinning at me.

I ignored the scowl on Noah's face and the expensive presents surrounding him; an RC car, new portable CD player, new clothes, a new knife, GameBoy games, PlayStation games, and at least 10 CD's.

How did she know? Did she see Noah take it from me? If she did.. why didn't she do something? Probably because of Pawpaw. He's beat her over stupid things before. I wouldn't put it past him to hit her over something like this. At least I don't have to worry about getting the walkie talkie back from Noah. He still has my knife... but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Nana is the best Santa ever.


	47. Bitter Sugar

**Tyler's POV**

I couldn't sleep at all. Not after what I heard. I don't know what happened to Josh last night but I know it was awful. I can still hear his cries and whimpers. I had to calm Zack down as I was freaking out over what I was hearing. I kept calling Josh's name but he never said anything. Was he trying to talk to me and something happened? How could he keep the button pressed down?

I wearily looked over at Zack's sleeping frame; my eyes stung and swollen. I felt sick to my stomach. I had tried to contact Josh the rest of the night but I never got a response. It's his cousin, Noah. I know it is. If I ever see that kid again, I'm going to beat him to a pulp.

I dug my nails into the palms of my hands, my jaw clenched. I don't want to have Christmas. I don't want to see my family. I don't want to open presents. I just want to see Josh. I need to see him. I need to know that he's okay. That he's alive.

"Tyler? Zack?" My mom peeked her head in our room, a cheery smile on her face. "It's Christmas!"

I never looked up.

Zack sprung out of bed, dashing out of our room and running down the stairs to the living room. I quickly glanced at Mom, who stood in the doorway, smiling at Zack as he ran downstairs. She turned her attention to me, her smile fading and her eyebrows furrowing.

"Tyler?" Concern laced her voice. "Are you okay, honey?"

When I didn't respond, she walked over to me and sat down at the foot of my bed. "Are you feeling okay?"

I shook my head.

She placed the back of her hand on my forehead, a small frown gracing her lips. "You don't feel hot. Maybe you'll feel better if you get out of this stuffy room? Open your presents? I'll make hot cocoa!"

I slowly lifted my gaze to her, unclenching my fists. "I guess." I shrugged.

I slipped out of bed and shuffled to the door, my mom following.

 

 

When I walked into the living room the smell of cinnamon sugar cookies, pine, and the roast my mom had in the oven overwhelmed my senses. The sound of Elvis floating in the room. Mistletoe hung from the ceiling above the entrance to the living room, shiny red bows and silver garland was strung along the walls. My father was still in his pajamas with a Santa hat on his head. He was filming Christmas morning, like always.

Zack was surrounded by his presents that he stacked around him, unopened. Maddy was on the floor, in a onesie that made her look like a snowman, playing with a baby doll. The corners of my lips turned upwards slightly as my mom hugged me.

"Go join your brother and find your gifts." She giggled. "I'll go make hot cocoa and be back in a second. Then we'll open presents." She patted my shoulder before walking into the kitchen.

I padded farther into the living room, plopping beside Zack before searching for my presents under the tree.

"I got six presents this year, Tyler!" Zack beamed. "And two from Santa!"

I gave him a tight-lipped smile as I stacked my presents in front of me.

"You look kinda down for Christmas morning, son." My dad chuckled.

"Oh. I- um, I'm not feeling too well." I mumbled.

He nodded as he continued filming.

"Ty!" Maddy crawled towards me, handing me her baby doll. "Look!"

I smiled at her innocence. I love her so much. I never want anything to happen to her.

"That's awesome, Mads!"

Mom walked in carrying a tray of mugs. "Okay, here's the hot cocoa." She grinned, handing each of us a mug. "I put extra marshmallows in yours, baby." She whispered to me, winking.

I shook my head, smiling as I held the mug up to my nose, smelling the delicious aroma of chocolate. I took a small sip before pulling the mug away and hissing. I burned my tongue. I always do.

"I guess we'll open gifts first then you can go through your stockings!" Mom smiled.

"Can I help you open yours, Zacky?" I asked, hopefully.

Zack held his hand out to me. "I got this, Tyler." He tore through his presents like the Tasmanian devil.

I forced a smile at every present I opened.

I didn't care.

 

 

After breakfast, Mom told us to go upstairs to take a bath and get dressed in the outfits she picked out. Zack took a bath first. When I got out of the tub, I went to the sink and grabbed my toothbrush. I scrubbed my teeth until my gums bled.

"Tyler?" Mom knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you about finished in there? I need to give Maddy a bath."

I spit blood and toothpaste in the sink. "Yeah. I'll be out in a second."

I rinsed my mouth and toothbrush before leaving the bathroom, towel around my waist. I sat on my bed, clenching and unclenching my fists while Zack struggled putting his pants on.

"Ugh!" He threw his head back. "Tyler, can you help me with these? They won't stay up."

I sighed, getting off my bed and walking to our closet. I pulled out a belt and held it out to him, with a smirk on my face.

"Can you help me put it on?" He whined. "I don't know how!"

"Really?!" I sighed. "Fine. Stand in front of me."

He stood in front of me as I slipped the belt through the belt loops of his pants before buckling the belt. "There. Now leave me alone."

"What's your problem?" He scoffed.

"Nothing."

I flopped on my bed, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling. I waited for Zack to wrestle with pulling his sweater on before grabbing the walkie talkie.

I pressed the button. "Josh? Are you there?" My voice was quiet and small, laced with a sliver of hope.

I held back a sob at the lack of response. I shoved the walkie talkie back under my mattress and looked back up at the ceiling.

"Still haven't heard from him?" Zack spoke, suddenly standing next to my bed and fully dressed.

I shook my head, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He frowned. "You gotta get dressed though.. Mom will get mad."

I squeezed my eyes shut before nodding and getting out of bed to get dressed.

 

 

Our entire family was here; my mom's parents, my dad's parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. I was feeling dizzy surrounded by so many people. My cheeks being pinched, aunts cooing at me, cousins being buttholes, uncles patting me on the back too hard. It was all too much.

Before I could run upstairs and hide in my room, my mom ordered for us kids to pose in front of the fireplace. I gulped, forcing the happiest smile I could fake as I walked with Zack over to the fireplace. We held Maddy's hand, who stood in the middle of us, as our mother and other family members took countless pictures.

When everyone seemed satisfied with their pictures I rushed out of the living room only for my dad to grab me by the arm.

"Where are you off to?"

"I-I don't feel good, Dad."

He furrowed his eyebrows and narrowed his eyes at me. "Hmm.. well, go rest and I'll call you down when dinner is ready."

"Thank you, sir."

 

 

I laid in bed, holding the walkie talkie waiting for any kind of response. Anything. I laid there until my dad knocked on my door, ordering me to come down for dinner no matter how many times I said I feel sick. I pushed the food around my plate, zoning out while the room spun. I couldn't stop thinking about Josh. He's in danger.

A wave of exhaustion washed over me. My face felt hot and cold at the same time. Something sour and bitter was rising in my throat. I quickly stood up and ran to the back door, flinging it open and running outside to puke in the snow.


	48. Pallid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings: violence, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse*****

 

**Ashley's POV**

I was sitting on the bed in the guest room with Shelby. She was playing with her Barbie Cash Register. I sat there, running my fingers through my Barbie's hair. She even had freckles like me.

"You should name her something different." Shelby remarked. "Midge sounds old and dumb."

I bit my lip and ignored her. She snatched Midge out of my hands and handed me one of the Barbies she got.

"Here." She smiled. "You can play with mine and I'll play with yours."

"But I don't want to play with yours."

"Too bad." She scoffed. "Be happy I let you hold it. It's a _Rapunzel Barbie_!"

"Shouldn't you have kept it in the box then?" I murmured.

She whipped her head around, a scowl on her face.

"I-I mean, it would be worth m-more later on if it's s-still in the box it came in." I shrugged.

She yanked the doll out of my hand and gave me a different one instead. "Here." She smirked. "You can play with Cool Blue Barbie. Her outfit is dumb anyway."

I bit my lip, my fingers tracing the tiny features of the dolls face and running them on the fabric of her clothes. "I like her clothes."

Shelby cackled. "You would. She's wearing overalls for Christ's sake!"

"Her hat is cool." I giggled. "Cool Blue Barbie."

Shelby rolled her eyes, throwing my doll at me and snatching hers out of my hands.

"Wanna play with my Cash Register?" She smiled, sickeningly sweet.

"Uh, sure." I gulped, knowing this would go horribly wrong.

I smoothed my doll's hair back down and fixed her clothes that Shelby had taken off. I placed her back in the box she came in before scooting closer to Shelby.

She explained how to use the toy but it didn't make sense.

"Did it come with instructions?" I asked meekly.

She threw her head back, sighing. "Yeah, they're still in the box."

I shifted on the bed, grabbing the box and pulling out the instructions. I read them as Shelby played with the toy like a 2 year old. She was jamming the tray in and really it seemed like she just wanted to hear her own voice.

"Okay." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "So, you're doing it wrong."

"No, I'm not." She spat. "How would you know anyway? You're stupid."

"I-I read the instruction manual a-and it says that--"

"I don't care!" She yelled. "How are you sure that you even read it right? Besides, it's _my_ toy and you can't play with it!"

"I didn't want to play with your stupid baby toy anyway!" I scoffed, grabbing my doll and getting off the bed to walk to my suitcase.

She gasped, slipping off the bed and standing next to me. "You're one to talk! Always crying for your mommy." She mocked me. "I'm surprised you didn't bring that stupid ugly rabbit with you that you always talk to. That's really weird."

"Leave me alone, Shelby!"

She stomped her foot and marched out of the room, faking tears and harsh sobs.

I tossed my head back after stuffing Midge in my suitcase, sighing. Here we go.

 

 

Pawpaw scolded me for upsetting Shelby and demanded all of us kids go play outside until our parents pick us up. So that's where we were.

I was sitting against a tree beside Josh, in our snow pants, snow boots, and coats. Shelby and Noah were throwing snowballs at each other.

"What did she do to you last night, Ash?" Josh whispered.

"What she always does."

Josh let out a frustrated sigh, readjusting his gloves to cover his wrists. I caught sight of a growing bruise before he could cover them.

"J-Josh?" I muttered. "What did he do to you? Are you okay?"

"Let's just say he has my walkie talkie.. and my knife."

I clenched my gloved fists. "I hate them."

"Me too, Ash." Josh wrapped an arm around me. "But hey, we get to go home today. Pretty soon, actually."

"Yeah." I exhaled a deep breath. "I can't wait."

Suddenly, snowballs hit us in the face. I wiped the snow off to see Noah and Shelby laughing, more snowballs in their hands.

"C'mon." Josh nudged me, standing up and running off to the side of the house.

I followed him, making snowballs and looking around to see if Noah and Shelby were near us. I could hear them giggling but I couldn't see them. Once Josh thought we had enough ammo, we crawled on our knees to the edge of the house, peeking around the corner. They weren't around.

"Where are they?" I whispered.

"I don't know." Josh shushed.

I whipped my head around to be met with Shelby and a stick. A sharpened stick. She tackled me to the ground and hit me in the face with snowballs before scratching my face with the stick. I guess you could call it scratching. It felt more like a knife. She was giggling the whole time as she hit me and scratched me. Josh was trying to push her off but Noah grabbed him by the arms.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Joshua." Noah growled. "You want your precious walkie talkie back, right?"

"I don't need it anymore!" Josh yelled. "Let me go, you sick freak!"

Noah shoved Josh on the ground, his face buried in the snow with Noah on top of him, holding his head down.

I grabbed Shelby's arms, trying to get her off of me but it was useless. She took the stick and pressed it to my eyebrow. "Noah wouldn't let me use his knife so I had him sharpen this." She grinned. "I think it will work just fine." She giggled as she drug the sharp end of the stick down from my eyebrow and across my eye. I wailed in pain as she continued carving into my face.

All of a sudden, a car horn sounded not far off. Shelby jumped off me and Noah grabbed her hand, the both of them running back into the house.

"Hey!" My mother's voice rang out. "What the hell did you do?!"

Josh scrambled over to me. "Ashley, are you okay?!" He breathed. "Oh my God, what did she do to you?!"

I couldn't speak through the sobs that wracked through my body. My tears burned as they laid tracks down my cheeks. I could hear footsteps trudging through the snow, nearing us.

"Oh my God!" My mother screamed. "What happened?!" She kneeled down in the snow, holding the sides of my face. "My poor baby. Did Shelby do this to you?!"

I could only nod.

"Josh, help your sister into the van." She ordered as she stood back up. "I'll go get your things."

I let my body go limp as Josh lifted me into his arms, carrying me to the van. "It's gonna be okay, Ash." He sobbed. "It'll be okay."

I could feel something warm run down my face and into my right eye. I couldn't hold my eye open anymore. Josh laid me down on the bench seat in the back before hopping in as well and laying my head in his lap. He shut the sliding van door just as Momma walked out of the house, Nana following her, screams surrounding them both. Josh slid my hat off my head and ran his fingers through my hair. "It'll be okay, Ashley."

 

 

I woke up in the hospital, unable to open my right eye. Momma gasped when she saw I was awake, she was holding my hand.

"Oh, my baby!" She sobbed, stroking the left side of my face. "You're awake! I'm so happy to see you!"

"Wha-- Where am I, Momma? What happened?" I mumbled, my mouth dry.

"That little bitch hurt you. And for the last time!" She scowled.

She let go of my hand, rubbing hers over her face and sighing. "I'm sorry." She breathed. "Shelby hurt you and we had to take you to the ER to get stitches." She frowned.

"Stitches?"

She held my hand again. "Yeah, baby." She took a deep breath. "You have a laceration- a-a cut--"

"I know what a laceration means, Momma." I croaked.

She let out a quiet laugh, sniffling. "Okay, well you have a laceration from your eyebrow down to your eyelid, and across your cheek to your nose." She choked back a sob. "You also have corneal abrasion; a- a scratch on your cornea."

My bottom lip quivered. "Am-- Will I be able to see again?"

"Yes, baby. It's just a scratch." Momma pushed my hair back. "You just gotta let it heal, then we can get the stitches taken out and you'll be fine. We have to put eye drops in your eye three times a day."

I sighed. "I guess it's a good thing we don't have school until January 5th of next year."

Momma let out a chuckle followed by a sob. "I'm so sorry, Ashley. You didn't want to go and-- I forced you to go and this happened and--"

"Momma, it's okay." I squeezed her hand. "It's not your fault Shelby is an awful person. Everything was fine besides Shelby and Noah being there."

My mother inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Well, you or any of your siblings won't be going back there any time soon. Especially if they are there."

I gave her a small smile. "Where's Josh?"

"Oh, I had Granny come pick him up." She half-smiled. "It's 3 AM."

"What?!" My voice was scratchy.

"Here, baby." Momma gave me a cup of water. "I should have given you that earlier. I'm sorry."

I gulped down the water. "More."

She refilled the cup and handed it back to me.

"You had to go under anesthesia for the stitches and cleaning." She frowned. "You were hysterical from the pain and they gave you something for it and your nerves, so it's natural that you slept for so long."

I nodded slowly, sipping my water.

"We'll go home soon, baby." Momma soothed, stroking the left side of my face, her eyes red and full of worry.


	49. Pine Trees & Freshly Fallen Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****Trigger Warnings: mentions of sexual abuse, rape, emotional/psychological abuse, and violence*****

**Josh's POV**

As soon as I got home, I wanted to call Tyler. Unfortunately, it was 8 PM by the time Granny had picked me up and brought me back to the house. I doubt I'd be able to call him this late. I had stripped myself of my snow pants, boots, and coat before rushing into the kitchen and scarfing down the leftovers Granny had heated up for me. I dodged the many questions Grampa and Granny asked me and headed upstairs, hauling my suitcase to my bedroom. I collapsed on my bed and for once, I was able to pass out without any problems.

 

When I woke up, my entire body ached. I squinted my eyes from the sun shining through my curtains. I peered over at my alarm clock; 10:36 AM.

I sat up, stretching my arms above me before planting my socked feet on the floor. I padded across my room and into the bathroom. I blinked rapidly, trying to get my eyes to adjust to the bright light of the bathroom. As I went to grab my toothbrush, the sleeve of my sweater rose up my arm, revealing a nasty blue and green bruise. A chill ran down my spine. I shook my head; a pathetic attempt to clear out those awful thoughts.

After brushing my teeth, taking a much needed shower, and changing into my new sweatpants and sweatshirt, I decided to check if Ashley was home yet. I slid across the hardwood floor to her bedroom. I opened the door, peeking in the room. She was fast asleep, holding Luna close to her chest with Marie curled up by her tummy. I smiled as I softly shut her door.

I pulled my sleeves down and walked downstairs, hoping to avoid everyone so I can call Tyler but _of course_ that's not gonna happen. As soon as my feet touched the first floor of the house, my grandfather's voice boomed from the dining room. I sighed and shuffled my way to him.

"Come give me a hug, son!" He grinned.

I smiled, hugging him tightly. I missed the smell of him. I know that sounds weird but everyone has their own smell. Grampa smells like pipe tobacco, his old leather chair, and his honey whiskey. 

Granny shuffled over in her slippers, engulfing me in a big hug. "Oh, I missed you _so_ much!" She squealed. She smells like cinnamon, nutmeg and fresh flowers. "I love you, Bubby!"

"I love you too, Granny." I giggled.

Jordan ran up to me, grabbing my leg and holding on tight. "Josh!" He peered up at me. "Where you been?!"

I picked him up, slightly struggling with his weight and placed him on my hip. "I had to spend Christmas Eve at Nana and Pawpaw's but I'm here now. _For good_." I smiled.

He chewed on the sleeve of my shirt before kissing me on the cheek. "Forever?"

I grinned, nuzzling my nose in the crook of his neck and blowing a raspberry. "Forever, Bubba."

He squealed as I sat him back down. He smells like baby soap and crayons.

"You wanna eat breakfast, son?" Grampa asked.

"Uh. Yeah, I- um-- I need to make a phone call first." I scratched the back of my neck. "Is that okay?"

Grampa nodded, going back to his newspaper. "Of course!"

I padded over to the telephone, picking up the receiver and dialing Tyler's number that I already new by heart. I tapped my foot as I waited for someone to pick up.

"Hello?" A woman's voice came through the speaker.

"Hi. Um, this is Josh. May I speak to Tyler?" I bit my lip in anticipation.

"Oh, hi Josh!" Kelly cheered. "Sure, you can talk to him."

There was a pause but I could faintly hear Kelly yell Tyler's name.

"How was your holiday, sweetie?" Her kind voice asked.

"It-- Um, it was good!" I lied. "How was yours?"

"Oh my gosh! We had _so many_ family members over! I was _exhausted_ when it was all over." She giggled. "But it was a great time. The boys had a blast and there was _so_ much food! Oh my gosh, I couldn't believe how--"

"Mom! Gimme the phone." I heard Tyler cut her off.

"Okay! Geeze!" She laughed. "Talk to you later, Josh!"

"Okay!" I laughed nervously.

"Josh?!" Tyler shrieked.

"Yeah, it's me!" I smiled.

"Oh my gosh." I heard him let out a deep breath. "Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah." I gulped. "About that.."

"What happened?" His voice was a whisper.

"I can't tell you right now, 'cause of my grandparents but I have new walkie talkies! I just gotta figure out how to give you yours."

He sighed. "Did that asshole take yours?"

"Yeah." I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Okay.." He let out a frustrated sigh before whispering, "I'm gonna ask my mom if Zack and I can go sledding and I'll stop by your house to pick it up. Or you can meet us at the park?"

"I have to stay here..." I whispered. "My sister got hurt and I need to be with her."

I heard him gasp. "Yeah, um-- Okay. Hold on."

I exhaled a shaky breath as I waited for him to ask his mom. I wish I could hang out with him but I'm worried about Ashley. She can't even open her right eye.

"Josh?" Tyler was slightly out of breath.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"She said we could, so I'll see you soon, okay?" His voice was laced with excitement.

"Okay! I'll be here." I grinned.

"See ya soon, Jishwa!"

"See you soon, Ty!"

I hung up the phone and exhaled a breath of relief. I finally get to see Ty.

 

 

I ate breakfast with Granny, Grampa, and Jordan. Momma was upstairs, taking care of Abby and Ashley. After the dishes were washed and dried, all of us ventured into the den, playing with the cats. Granny said as soon as Ashley wakes up and eats something, we'll open our presents. I shrugged with a smile. I was just happy to be home.

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" I yelled, standing up and dashing out of the room.

I opened the front door and was immediately embraced in a hug from Tyler. "Oh my gosh! I missed you so much, Jish!"

I squeezed him tightly. "I missed you more, Ty!"

He pulled away, his arms still holding my shoulders. "Are you alright?" He was looking me over, as if he could see any damage done to my body. "I-- Christmas Eve... I heard..." He ducked his head down, lowering his arms to his sides.

"Come in." I sniffed. "We'll go to my room and talk. If that's okay?"

"Yeah!" He smiled. "Uh, hold on." He rushed back down the porch and met Zack at the gate. Zack followed him back to the front door. "Is it alright if Zack comes in?" Tyler asked.

"Of course!" I smiled.

They stepped inside, shrugging off their coats, gloves, and hats.

"Ashley is asleep, but my grandparents and my little brother, Jordan, are playing with the cats in the den." I smiled at Zack.

He gasped. "Cats?! Where?!"

Tyler chuckled, shaking his head. I led Zack into the den and told my grandparents what was going on. Soon enough I was sitting next to Tyler on my bed. He kicked off his boots and scooted back against my headboard.

I unzipped my suitcase and pulled out the brand new walkie talkies. I padded over to my bed and plopped down, handing the walkie talkies to Tyler.

"Holy crap, dude!" He gaped. "These are awesome!"

"I know!" I bounced where I sat. "I don't know how my Nana knew I needed them but this is the best Christmas present _ever_."

Tyler began opening the box and setting them up. They were silver and blue. Tyler said the range is even bigger than the old ones we were using. I couldn't stop the grin on my face. My cheeks started to hurt. Tyler handed me a walkie talkie as he held the button down on his.

"Jishwa?" His voice came through the speaker.

I giggled, pressing the button down. "This is Jishwa."

We both burst into a fit of giggles, our cheeks turning cherry red.

 

After we calmed down a bit, Tyler's happy expression turned into a serious one.

"Okay..." He breathed out. "We need to talk about what happened. I-- I _need_ to know, Josh."

I bit my lip, nodding as I sat the walkie talkie down beside me. "Get comfy, cause it's a long story."

Tyler nodded, crossing his legs and leaning forward, resting his head in his hands.

I breathed a shaky breath. "So.. when we first got there, it was... okay? Um, our grandpa is really mean. Like he's the grumpiest person I've ever met. He beats on our grandma sometimes and he yells at me a lot."

Tyler's eyes went wide.

"Uh- When Shelby and Noah arrived, our cousins, our grandpa was happy. Then at dinner he made fun of Ashley for the way she was eating and Noah and Shelby laughed at her. Ashley and I helped our grandma wash the dishes while our cousins played. Then we had to go to bed."

I gulped, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down.

"Ashley had to sleep in the guest bedroom with Shelby and- I-I had to sleep on the pullout couch with Noah. Um... I-- Our cousins are bad people. I mean _really bad_. I tried to give Ashley my knife, for protection but she said I'd need it more. So.." I exhaled a deep breath, closing my eyes. "Noah.. touches me. Like.. down there."

"Like... your private area?" Tyler's eyes were watery.

I nodded, biting my lip. "Yeah, he always has. A-And Shelby does the same thing to Ashley. So in the morning when I saw Ash, I knew that Shelby did the same thing Noah did to me that night. Then at, um, at breakfast-- Our grandpa yelled at Ashley and made her eat more than she could. He-- He sat there and watched her eat all of it while I helped our grandma with the dishes. Our cousins got to go outside and play in the snow.

I was devastated when I saw all that snow. I thought we would be stuck there forever. Our grandpa made us go outside and shovel the walkway and driveway. When we were almost done with the driveway, I walked out of sight so no one could see me through the windows of the house and I-- That's when I talked to you for like.. a second."

"Yeah!" Tyler gasped, wide eyed. "What happened with that? You just went.. poof!"

I let out a halfhearted chuckle. "Noah pushed me on the ground and took the walkie talkie from me. I-- I tried t-to grab it back but he threatened to show it to our grandpa, and I would get in big trouble, so I let him keep it. He shoved me back on the ground and kicked me in the stomach. Ashley pushed him away but he-- he threatened her. So I-I got an idea. I was going to threaten Noah with my knife when we had to go to bed but... that didn't turn out the way I planned."

"Wait." Tyler held up his hands. "Noah talked to me on Christmas Eve night."

I gasped. "Noah came out of the bathroom with the walkie talkie before he got in bed!" My eyes were wide. "Wha-- Tell me what he said!"

"He said that he was my 'worst nightmare'.. a-and that I shouldn't worry because he-- He said he's got it covered." Tyler started shaking. "I threw up on my bed."

I grabbed Tyler's hands. "I'm sorry, Ty."

"No!" Tyler squeezed my hands. "I'm sorry! I should have done something!"

"There's nothing you could have done, Ty." I shook my head. "He-- I, um.."

Tyler looked up at me, his dark chocolate eyes meeting my honey hued eyes. "He what, Josh?"

"Please, please don't be mad but he-- He told me that he talked to my-- my  _boyfriend_..." I ducked my head.

"O-okay."

"I tried to tell him that you're not my boyfriend, that we're best friends but--"

Tyler placed a hand on my shoulder. "Jish. It's okay."

I choked back a sob, nodding. "I asked what he said to you and he said the exact same thing you told me.. minus the worst nightmare part. And-- He said I could talk to you if I-- If- I had to.. do _things_." I gulped. Tyler nodded solemnly. "I didn't want to so I- I went with my plan. I grabbed my knife and held it to his throat."

Tyler gasped. "Wow.."

"Yeah.." My bottom lip began to quiver. "He just laughed and said if I give him my knife he'll give me the walkie talkie. It felt like a trick but I was so desperate to talk to you that I said yes."

I sobbed, tears running down my cheeks. I rubbed my eyes, tossed my head back and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. Tyler grabbed my hands again, and moved to my wrists, rubbing softly. I flinched, wincing in pain.

"Did I do something?" Tyler panicked. "Josh, did I hurt you?!"

"No, no." I sobbed. "You didn't do it. Noah did..." I pulled the sleeves of my sweater up, showing him the bruises on my wrists.

Tyler gasped, a sob wracked through his body. "Josh..." His teary eyes looked at mine. "Is that what I heard? I mean.. H-How?"

I rubbed my hands down my face, sniffling. "God!" I fixed my gaze on Tyler's face. "He used duct tape." I chewed on my bottom lip. "He taped the button down on the walkie talkie and put it beside my head after forcing me to roll onto my stomach and-- He wrapped t-the tape around my wrists behind m-my back and placed it over my mouth."

Tyler surged forward, holding me tightly. "I'm so sorry, Josh." He sobbed. "I wish I could have done something. I'm _so so sorry_."

I nuzzled my head in the crook of his neck. He smelled like pine trees and freshly fallen snow. My breath was shaky as I sobbed, my eyes shut tight. "You-- You h-heard him r-rape me, Ty."

"Oh my God." Tyler squeezed me tighter, sobs racking through his small frame. "Josh, I'm so sorry. Oh my God."

We rocked back and forth, holding onto each other as we cried. He ran his fingers through my curly hair, whispering over and over that it will be okay.

He pulled away and placed both hands on the sides of my face. "That wasn't the first time he's done that... is it?" His bottom lip wobbled.

I shook my head. "In the morning I had to wake up everyone else, since I didn't sleep at all. Ashley was stripped naked in bed and-- and I had to help her sneak out of the r-room to put her clothes on so Shelby w-wouldn't wake up and I-- I shoved Shelby awake before I had to wake up Noah and-- and I--"

"Breathe, Josh." Tyler moved his hands down to my shoulders, staring into my eyes. "You gotta breathe."

I nodded frantically, sniffling.

"I was going t-to take the walkie talkie a-and my knife out of his pajama pockets while he was asleep but-- Ashley stopped me." I hung my head. "The rest of the morning seemed so fake... a fake plastic Christmas."

Tyler nodded, tears running down his face as he rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

I let out a sob that turned into a chuckle. "Our grandma gave Ashley a Barbie that looks just like her and she gave me the new walkie talkies." A pathetic smile stretched across my face. "I don't know how she knew I needed them but... I'm so glad she did."

Tyler chuckled, wiping his eyes. "Me too, Jish." He gave me a small smile. "So.. what happened to Ashley? How did she get hurt?"

I shook my head, sighing. "Something stupid happened with her and Shelby. Our grandpa got mad and made us go outside until our parents picked us up. I was just sitting with Ashley, talking and--" I dug my nails in the palms of my hands. "Noah and Shelby threw snowballs at us so we thought we were just.. going to have a snowball fight? But... they had other plans. They ended up sneaking up on us and-- Shelby tackled Ashley and hit her and carved her face with a sharpened stick, because Noah wouldn't let her use the new knife he got for Christmas." 

I let out a shaky breath. "Noah held me back before he shoved me on the ground, holding my head in the snow. If it wasn't for our mom showing up at that exact moment I--" I placed my head in my hands, another sob ripping through my chest. "I don't know what would've happened, Ty."

"She's okay though... right?" Tyler's voice cracked.

I nodded, sniffing. "She just needed stitches and her eyeball is scratched but-- She can't open her right eye, Tyler..." I sobbed. "And the look on her face when she watched Shelby open that stupid Barbie Dream House while Ashley got to open sweatpants and a sweatshirt.. _God_ , Ty."

Tyler hugged me, petting my hair. "Hey, it's gonna be okay." He soothed. "I got an idea for Ashley."

I lifted my head, gazing into his dark brown eyes that were puffy and red rimmed. "Yeah?"

He bit his lip, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth and nodded. "Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm doing a lot better! I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and she put me on new meds and upped the dosage on my anxiety meds! So I'm not a ball of anxiety anymore! Woo lol.  
> It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was actually able to go to sleep last night and wake up in the morning without any night terrors or the feeling of wishing I hadn't woken up, ever. I don't want to jinx myself but I feel like things are looking up.
> 
> Anyway! I hope you are enjoying this story. I'm nowhere near finished with it and I have so much motivation and inspiration to write now, that I'm probably going to update even more frequently, now.
> 
> I hope everyone is doing okay and that you're all safe. Each and every one of you are important and you matter. You're all lovely. <3


	50. Altruistic

**Josh's POV**

_ December 26th, 1997 (later in the afternoon) _

Tyler ended up staying for a while. He promised not to say anything to anyone about what happened and we built a doll house for Ashley. He gave me the longest hug before he left; whispering in my ear, "Just in case I don't get to see you until we go back to school". We have the new walkie talkies now, so everything should be fine.

Ashley still hadn't woken up. She has to take a liquid pain killer, she says it tastes like cough syrup, so she's sleepy a lot. I wish she would wake up though. I walked into the den when Tyler left; Tyler practically had to pull Zack out of the house because of the cats. I sat down on the couch beside Jordan who had Toulouse on his lap. Berlioz ran into the room, clawing at my leg, wanting to be picked up. I placed him on my lap and he immediately started playing with Toulouse. I shook my head, with the same grin I've had etched on my face since Tyler left.

"So did ya have a good talk with your buddy Tyler?" Grampa spoke through puffs of smoke.

I nodded happily. "Yeah. We, um-- I have a present that we made for Ashley; that's what took so long, but I don't know how I can wrap it." I drummed my fingers on my knees.

Granny peered up at me over the top of her glasses, never stopping crocheting. "What is it?"

"It's a dollhouse..." I pursed my lips. "You see, Shelby got a stupid Barbie Dream House and a million other Barbie toys while Ashley got a pair of sweatpants, sweatshirt and one Barbie that has red hair and freckles." I sighed. Grampa nodded, taking another puff from his pipe.

"I'm not surprised that's all they got her." Granny scoffed.

"Yeah." I frowned. "But that's why I-- Well, Tyler had the idea to make her a dollhouse. It's only cardboard but--"

Granny grinned. "I'm sure she'll love it, Bubby."

"That Tyler is a good egg." Grampa's gruff voice spoke up. "He should come around more often."

"I hope he can." I gave a small smile, sighing wistfully.

"Just set it up in her room with her Barbie and doll stuff in it, Josh." Granny smiled. "She needs to wake up and eat so she can take her medicine anyway. Plus she needs her eye drops. Go talk to your mother." She winked.

"Do you think she'd help?"

Granny stopped crocheting and leaned forward in her arm chair. "I _know_ she will, Bubby."

I jumped up from my seat and gave my grandmother a hug. "I love you, Granny."

She chuckled, patting my back. "I love you the most."

I walked over to Grampa, who gave me a high five. "Love ya, son."

I grinned. "Love you too, Grampa."

 

 

I rushed out of the den and ran upstairs. I padded across the hardwood floor to the end of the hall, where my mother's bedroom door was open halfway. I knocked lightly on the door, peeking in the room. Momma was sitting on her bed, tickling Abigail and kissing her all over her face making her giggle. The grin on my face grew to the point where my cheeks started to hurt.

"Momma?"

She snapped her head up, Abby still holding onto her thumbs, and smiled when she saw me. "My baby!" She cooed. "Come, come!" She waved me over, patting the spot next to her on the bed.

I sat down beside her, leaning down to kiss Abby's cheek. Abby giggled and pulled on my nose.

"Ow!" I giggled. "She's so cute, Momma."

"I know! Isn't she precious?" Momma grinned. "She's gotten _so big_ over the past month!"

"Can she crawl, yet?"

"Oh! She's been tryin'!" Momma chuckled. "I caught her trying to crawl down the hall when I was giving Ashley her medication earlier this morning."

"Oh my goodness." I shook my head. "Time to set up the baby gate!"

"Yep! This girl is smarter than a whip!" Momma laughed. "So what's up, kid?"

I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down, fiddling with my thumbs. "Well, you see.. Tyler gave me an idea for a Christmas present for Ashley."

" _Uh huh_." Momma nodded, picking up Abigail. "Go on."

"Well," I gulped. "Shelby got a Barbie Dream House and like.. six Barbies, and more Barbie crap. Ashley only got a pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt, like mine but pink, and Nana got her a Barbie doll that looks like her. Red hair and freckles. But..."

"But you noticed how disappointed she was about the Barbie Dream House?"

"Yeah." I breathed out. "She brushed it off like it was nothing, 'cause she's Ashley _of course_ , but I wanted to give her something special. So, Tyler and I made her a dollhouse."

Momma grinned. "I like Tyler. You should spend more time with him."

"I plan on it, Momma." I giggled. "But I don't know if I should wrap it, or how I should set it up, how to show it to her, how to--"

"Okay, stop right there." Momma stood from the bed, Abby on her hip. She laid Abby in her crib, placing a pacifier in her mouth and giving her the stuffed rabbit Granny bought her. She motioned for me to follow her out of the room. Momma and I quietly walked down the hall and peeked into Ashley's room; she was still sound asleep. Momma shut her bedroom door gently, waving me over to the top of the stairs.

"Let's go into the kitchen, okay?" She smiled.

I nodded, following her down the stairs.

 

When we reached the kitchen, Granny was feeding Jordan in his high chair, making airplane noises. Jordan giggled more than he ate. Granny couldn't help but giggle, too.

"Hey, Ma." My mother kissed my grandmother on the cheek. "Thank you for helping me."

"Oh shup!" Granny scoffed. "You know I'm always here for you and these babies."

"I know, Ma." Momma and Granny exchanged smiles; a silent conversation just for the two of them. Things seemed to have gotten better. It made a warm sensation rush through my body.

"So!" Momma clapped her hands together, Jordan copying her right after. She chuckled. "Ashley can only eat peas and pudding-- Well, that's all she seems to _want_ to eat."

"Not when she finds out what I'm makin' her for dinner!" Granny sang out.

Momma shook her head, the smile still stretched on her face. "I gotta get her food ready and her medicine, then put her eye drops in." She walked to the cupboard, grabbing a can of peas before shuffling over to the fridge and pulling out two chocolate pudding cups. "You can go wake her up and tell her that she needs to come downstairs to eat and take her meds."

I nodded.

She opened the can of peas and dumped them in a pot, placing it on the stove before lighting the pilot light. "After you help her down to the kitchen, you can go back upstairs and set up her dollhouse. That'll give you time to rummage through her doll stuff and set up the house for her, _ya know_ , make it cute and--"

I groaned. "Momma, I know what she likes." I smiled. "I'll make it the best dollhouse ever!"

"Oh! She'll be so excited to paint it when she opens her presents!" Granny squealed.

"Ma!" Momma gasped. "You're spoiling the surprises."

"Oh, shup!" Granny waved her off, going back to feeding Jordan.

I tapped my fingers against the counter top, watching Momma stir pepper in the peas. She glanced back at me.

"Well, what are ya waitin' for!" She giggled. "Go get her!"

I grinned, dashing out of the kitchen and bounding upstairs.

 

 

I opened Ashley's bedroom door and quietly padded across her room, stopping at the head of her bed. She looked so peaceful, despite the stitches on her face and the dark purple hue shading her right eyelid. I ran my fingers through her hair, smiling softly. Marie mewled, getting up and stretching before hopping off the bed.

"Ashley." I whispered. "Time to get up, sleepyhead."

No response.

I softly stroked her left cheek and kissed her on the forehead before shaking her shoulder gently. "C'mon, Ash. It's time to wake up."

She groaned, instinctively reaching to rub her eyes. I caught her hands before she could.

"Ash, you can't do that." I gasped. "You're gonna hurt your eye."

"Oh." Her voice was croaky. "I forgot." She sighed.

I smiled down at her. "S'okay. You need to go downstairs to eat lunch and take your meds, Ash."

" _Ugh!_ " She grumbled. "Okay..." She looked up at me, pouting. "Will you carry me?"

"Ashley!" I tossed my head back, sighing. "Really?"

"Please?" She tried to give me the puppy dog eyes, but it didn't work too well with only one eye open. I tried to suppress my laughter.

"Okay, _okay_!" I scooped her up in my arms as she giggled and rested her head against my shoulder.

I carefully walked downstairs with her in my arms. "I love you, Bubby." She kissed my cheek.

I smiled at her as I reached the bottom landing. "I love you the most, Ashley."

I walked into the kitchen, Ashley in my arms, greeted by Granny washing dishes, Jordan playing with Duplo blocks on the floor, and Momma setting Ash's food and meds up on the table.

Granny glanced over at us as I sat Ashley down in a chair. "Dear Lord! Bubby, her legs aren't _broken_." She rolled her eyes.

"I know, but it's the only way she would come down." I grinned at Momma. 

"Okie dokie!" I clapped my hands together. "I'll be back soon!"

"Wait! Ashley turned around in her seat. "Where are you going?"

"I-I uh, I gotta clean up my room."

She eyed me suspiciously, before nodding and going back to eating her pudding cup.

 

I darted out of the kitchen, racing up the stairs and into my room. I carefully picked up the dollhouse Tyler and I had made. I shuffled into Ashley's room and set it down by her dresser, next to the frame of her bedroom door. I scrambled around her room, searching for her tub of Barbies, dolls, and accessories. After looking for about ten minutes, I finally found the tub under her bed.

I pulled it out and began rifling through the tub, grabbing the _'cutest'_ things I could find and her favorite dolls that I knew of. It didn't take long to set everything up in the dollhouse. I think I did a pretty good job, but there was something missing...

I whipped my head around to see her suitcase by her bedside table. I walked over and unzipped it, pulling out the Barbie doll she got for Christmas, still in the box. I chewed on my bottom lip, mulling it over. If it's in the box, that means she doesn't want it out yet... I should let her place it where she wants. I nodded to myself and moseyed out of her room after turning out the light.

 

I bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen, my sock covered feet sliding across the tile floor.

"What's the rush, Josh?" Ashley chuckled, wiping pudding off her cheek.

"Did you take your meds?" I rushed out. "Did Momma put your eye drops in?"

She eyed me skeptically. " _Yes_.. and yes." She narrowed her eyes.. well, _eye_. "Why?"

I grabbed her hand. "I need you to come up to your room!" I pulled her out of the chair she sat in.

"What?!" She shook her head, confusion furrowed in her brows. "Why?"

I stopped at the bottom of the staircase, grabbing both of her hands. "Just trust me." I smiled.

She let out a shaky breath. "Okay.."

Granny and Momma were standing next to us, grinning from ear to ear.

I led Ashley up the stairs to her bedroom door. I placed my hands over her eyes, careful not to touch her right eye. " _Josh_.. what are you up to?" She groaned.

Granny and Momma giggled behind us, Granny holding her video camera, capturing the moment.

"Just.. walk forward." I smiled. "Slowly."

"'Kay." She said wearily.

I flipped the light switch on and guided her in front of the dollhouse.

"Okay..." I grinned. "You ready?"

"Uh.. I guess?" She shrugged her shoulders, giggling nervously.

I removed my hands from her eyes and stepped to the side of her to watch her reaction. When she finally opened her eyes, she looked around her room for a moment before she noticed the dollhouse. She gasped, her mouth agape and her eyes becoming watery. She whipped her head around to me before engulfing me in a big hug.

"You made this for me?!" She giggled through tears.

"Yeah!" I squeezed her tightly. "Well, it was Tyler's idea and he helped but I wanted you to have a dollhouse, too!"

She chuckled, pulling away to gently wipe away her tears. "Thank you _so much_ , Bubby! And thank Tyler for me!"

"No need!" I beamed, dashing out of her room and into my bedroom, grabbing my walkie talkie then running back into her bedroom. I stood in front of her, grinning from ear to ear.

I pressed the button. "Hey, Ty?"

"Jishwa!" Tyler's lively voice rang out.

"Ashley wants to say something to you." I winked at her, handing her the walkie talkie.

"Um.. Hi, Tyler." Her voice was small and timid.

"Hi, Ashley! How ya feelin'?"

She smiled. "I'm feeling okay. I-I just wanted to-- Thank you so much for the dollhouse!" She giggled.

"No biggie, Ashley!" I could practically hear Ty's smile. "You deserve it!"

She blushed and thrust the walkie talkie towards me. I took it, grinning so wide my eyes almost disappeared behind my cherry tinted cheeks.

I pressed my finger on the button as I watched Ashley sit down on the floor, immediately playing with her new dollhouse.

"Thanks, Ty." I walked out of her room into my own.

"No problem, Jish. Is she happier?"

"Her eyes lit up, Ty... I can't thank you enough." My cheeks hurt.

"You can make it up to me by letting me spend the night." I could see him wink in my mind.

"Deal." I giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: This story isn't even near done. These past 50 chapters are only 1/16th of the story! It's gonna be a long one, so sorry in advance if that bothers some of you. 
> 
> I hope you're all doing well <3 ily


	51. Castles in Air

**Ashley's POV**

_ December 27th, 1997 _

I was laying on my bed, Marie snuggled up beside me, when someone knocked on my door. That someone happened to be my brother; who was trying to balance a tray of food with one hand, talk to me with my bag of medicine in his mouth, and open and shut the door by himself. He stumbled, slightly, on his way over to my bed. I pushed myself up to rest against the headboard as he placed the tray over my legs.

"Nice acrobatic skills, Bub." I shot him a wink, smirking.

He took the bag out of his mouth, shooting me a look as he opened it. "Well, it was this or I had to help you downstairs again and you're _way_ too heavy for that." He placed my pain medicine and eye drops on my bedside table before sitting down next to me.

"Hey!" I gasped. "Are you callin' me fat?!"

Josh giggled, shaking his head with a growing smile. "No, Ash. I didn't want you to trip and almost fall down the stairs like last night."

I stuck my tongue out at him as he ruffled my hair. I rolled my eyes, pouring maple syrup on my pancakes.

"'Sides, I wanted to hang out with ya... talk for a little bit."

I shoved a perfectly cut triangle of pancake in my mouth, chewing it loudly just to get on his nerves, before raising an eyebrow.

"Did-- Has Momma asked about any of your bruises?" He whispered.

 _Ah_. Now I know what he means by 'talk'. I swallowed my food and took a big drink of orange juice, making him bounce his knee in anticipation. I noticed the apprehensive look across his face as I sat my glass back down. Deciding to annoy him further, I simply shrugged and went back to eating, shoving a piece of bacon in my mouth then smiling at him.

" _Ashley_." His knee stopped bobbing up and down. "I know that you're enjoying aggravating the crap out of me but I need you to be serious right now."

I sat my fork down and cleared my throat. "She's seen them but.. I think she assumes they're from the fight with Shelby." I averted my eyes to the tray of food, suddenly not feeling very hungry anymore. "Not the-- You know.. actual reason."

He exhaled a deep breath. "Okay, good." He smacked himself on the forehead. "I don't mean good as in-- Oh my God. I mean I'm glad she isn't suspecting anything. She still hasn't noticed mine."

"Yeah, well you also tug your sleeves down every chance you get." I smirked.

He nodded, his lips pulled tightly together.

"How are they lookin' by the way?" I reached out to his arm just for him to push my hand away.

He looked back to the closed door before standing up and going to my window to draw the curtains open. He sat back down beside me, rolling up his sleeves and holding his wrists out in front of me. I slowly reached my hands forward, flicking my gaze to his, silently asking permission, then gingerly turning his hands around and inspecting them. They weren't as vibrant as yesterday but still very noticeable. I moved my hands away from his and placed mine in my lap.

"You got any bruises anywhere else, Josh?"

He bit his lip, nodding then standing up to lift his shirt. Fingerprint shaped bruises littered his body and I assume his arms, too. A large bloom of purple and blue fading into an ugly yellow and green along his ribs is what concerned me. I didn't mean to gasp but the sight was horrifying. He swiftly pulled his sweatshirt back down, sighing before sitting on my bed again and facing away from me, choosing to stare at the window instead.

"Bubby... what if something is broken?" I kept my voice tiny, afraid of upsetting him.

"I _can't_ , Ashley. I can't show her." He placed his head in his hands. "Then I'd have to explain how I got them and she'd see the bruises on my wrists and around my arms and--" He sniffled. "It's just a bad idea, okay?"

My bottom lip quivered as I willed myself not to cry. I nodded even though he wasn't paying attention. He suddenly stood up, tugging the sleeves of his sweatshirt down as he walked to the door.

"Eat your breakfast. All of it." He looked at me knowingly before turning his back to me again. "I'll be back in a few minutes to give you your medicine." Then he was gone.

 

 

Jordan wanted to help me downstairs today. He was grinning from ear to ear, radiating happiness. I held his hand as we slowly walked down each step, counting every single one outloud. He was able to count up to five, today. I giggled when he tried saying 'six' and gave up, starting back at one. He still struggled pronouncing the number 'three'. It always comes out as 'free'. 

When we reached the bottom of the stairs he let go of my hand, causing me to grip onto the railing from the dizziness, and threw his hands in the air.

"We did it, Ashwee!" His cherubic smile warmed my heart.

"We did, Bubba!" I reached forward, grinning and hugging him tightly. I'll make sure of it that no one, I mean _no one_ , hurts my little brother. I pulled back, holding onto his hand. "Now, where did you wanna take me?"

"To 'da den!" He raised a finger high in the air before pointing in the direction we were going. "'Dis way, Ashwee. Fol' me"

Jordan led me into the den, Toulouse never leaving my brother's side, until we were met by everyone's smiling faces. I mean, _everyone_. Momma was holding Abby, Granny was petting Duchess who was laying on her lap, Marie was playing with Berlioz while Josh giggled at them, and Grampa tamped out his pipe as soon as he saw me. He stood up, a bit shaky, and reached a hand out.

"Mind if I take 'er from here, Bubba?" He grinned at Jordan.

Jordan smiled, a front tooth missing, and ran farther into the den; Toulouse following after him.

Grampa held my hand and placed his arm around my shoulders, walking me over to the couch to sit beside Granny. "You look absolutely _radiant_ today, Princess Ashley!"

I snorted, rolling my eyes as I plopped down on the couch, Marie instantly crawling on my lap. "If radiant means I threw up half my breakfast then had to eat the rest of my breakfast so I could take my medicine and spent half an hour laying down to keep it all down.. then yeah, I look pretty radiant." I sent everyone a cheeky grin as their noses scrunched up in disgust. Momma's eyes were full of worry though...

"But I'm fine now!" I smiled. "Just a bit dizzy s'all... I could run circles 'round you, Grampa."

I watched the worry fade from my mother's eyes, a small smile forming on her face before she gave her attention back to Abby.

Grampa guffawed, slowly lowering himself back down on his recliner. "How much ya wanna bet that ya topple over into the Christmas tree before ya make it to three?"

"Free!" Jordan cheered.

Everyone burst into laughter, shaking their heads in adoration. Grampa tried to suppress his laughter long enough to correct Jordan but it only made it worse. He was in tears by the time his cackles turned into light chuckles, as he wiped the happy tears from under his eyes then placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose.

"Jordan.. son." Grampa stifled a giggle. "It's pronounced 'three', one syllable, say it with me; tha-ree."

Jordan toddle over to Grampa, standing in front of him with his hands on his hips, determination stitched in his furrowed eyebrows and pout. "One syl'ble. Tha.. ree."

Grampa clapped. "Very good!" We all clapped. "Now, say it again then put 'em together."

Granny snorted, earning a narrow-eyed look from Grampa.

Jordan chewed on his bottom lip before standing straight as a statue, his head held high. "Tha-ree! Tha! Ree!" He nodded to everyone before thrusting his fists in the air. "Free!"

Momma and Granny snickered, red in the face while Josh and I burst into a fit of giggles. Grampa shook his head, grinning. Jordan was still as proud as ever.

"You'll get it soon, Bubba." Grampa patted him on the back before leaning back in his leather recliner. O'Malley sat atop the headrest, his tail curling down and tickling Grampa's ear. "You better quit that, Thomas." He grinned.

Granny patted my knee. "You ready to open presents, Pumpkin? Since you kinda prevented yourself from doing so last night."

"Yeah!" Josh, Jordan, and Grampa chorused.

"Oh shup, you turds!" Granny scolded. "It's not my baby's fault she's clumsy." She wrapped her arms around me, causing Duchess to leave her lap and hop onto the window ledge.

"I am not clumsy!" I protested, eyebrows furrowed.

Grampa snickered. "Hate to break it to ya, kid.. but you couldn't catch a cold if it had handles."

I threw my head back against the couch, sighing exasperatedly. "Let's just open the presents before O'Malley decides to pulls the tree down!"

Granny chuckled, kissing my cheek before standing up and handing out all the gifts as everyone but Momma cheered. I swear, my Grampa may look sixty years old but he's actually a four year old child on the inside. Momma offered to help my grandmother pass out the presents but Granny refused.

 

 

By the time she handed out everyone's presents; Josh and I had a giant pile stacked in front of us along with our stockings placed on the very top. Granny placed Jordan's presents and his stocking in front of him, where he was sitting on the floor beside Grampa. She picked up a huge box and sat it in between Josh and I before scooting two other large boxes next to us. She handed six to Grampa and twelve to Momma, which I'm assuming some of them are for Abigail. She grabbed her seven gifts and sat them next to her arm chair before shooing Berlioz out of it and sitting down.

"Now," Granny glared at all of us. "You know the rules; one person opens their gifts one at a time, then the next, so on an' so forth. You don't get into your stocking until after _everyone_ opens their gifts. Pumpkin, why don't you go first?"

I bit my bottom lip, deciding on what to open first. I picked up a box wrapped in shiny gold wrapping paper, the tag read To: Ashley, From: Granny. I looked up at her, grinning from ear to ear as I ripped through the paper. When I opened the cardboard box, tears welled up in my eyes and my face felt hot. I let out a shaky breath, "Are a-all of these f-for me, Granny?"

She beamed as she nodded her head.

I was staring into a cardboard box full of Barbies; Cool Blue Barbie, Teacher Barbie, Jewel Hair Mermaid Barbie, an entire kitchen set, and the Rapunzel Barbie. I shot up from my seat and ran to my grandmother, embracing her in a tight hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I sniffled.

She chuckled, hugging me back just as tightly and kissing the top of my head. "You're welcome, sweetheart. Just don't open--"

I pulled away from her, smiling. "Don't open the Rapunzel Barbie. I know, Granny."

 

 

I don't know how they did it but we opened more gifts this Christmas than any other we've had before. Along with the Barbies, Granny gave me six pairs of clothes; handmade of course. A Pikachu stuffed animal was from Jordan. Momma got me a set of paints, brushes, some canvas and even an easel! One of the big presents was a brand new TV for my room and Josh's bedroom. We each got a VCR from Grampa, too. What really surprised us was the giant box filled with at least fifty VHS tapes.

We thought that was the most incredible gift but oh, were we wrong. Josh and I each received a GameBoy, with games! Grampa gave Josh a telescope! Momma bought Josh new shoes, which he was thrilled about; he immediately put them on. Uncle Paul and Uncle Jacob bought a Nintendo 64, PlayStation, and a Super Nintendo for us; I can't even list the names of the games they gave us as well because there's so many. There had to be a rule set in place: Josh and I have to share.

I think my favorite Christmas present was a box of books my Grampa gave me, some his own that he's passing down to me and some brand new. What I hadn't noticed was Momma handing Abby to Granny and slipping out of the room. What I never would have expected was for my mother to rush back into the room excitedly, telling me I should go look in my room...

When I passed the threshold of my bedroom door, flicking on the light, I hesitantly padded over to my dresser. A glass cage, almost like a fish tank was sitting atop it; except it wasn't filled with water.. or fish. A small, grey, and _very_ round fuzzball with black beady eyes was staring back at me.

 

 

Of course I named him Roquefort.


	52. Little Angels

**Tyler's POV**

_ December 29th, 1997 _

  I don't know how we managed to do it, but Zack and I were given permission to spend New Years Eve with Josh and his family. Maddy was going to Grammy and Pop-Pop's while Mom and Dad were going to a party. I ran back and forth from my closet to my bed, where my suitcase was laid out, shoving as many clothes in it as I could fit. I grabbed my snow pants and snow shoes, laying them on top. I packed so much stuff that I had to sit on my suitcase and have Zack zip it closed for me.

Zack and I lugged our suitcases downstairs, setting them by the front door. I ran into the kitchen, leaving Zack behind to put on his shoes. I already had mine on by the time Mom and Dad told us the good news. 

"Mom!" My sneakers squeaked against the tile floor as I halted to a stop in front of her. "Mom! We're all packed up and ready to go. Can we go now? Please, please, please?" I bounced from foot to foot.

She snickered, picking Maddy up and walking past me to the front door. "Come on, Tyler. Let me put Madison's coat on."

I followed after her, grinning like mad, thinking of all the fun things we're gonna do when we get to Josh's house. I pulled on my coat and slipped my ski mask on before picking up my suitcase. I shifted from foot to foot, buzzing with excitement and energy as I waited for my mom to get ready. It wasn't even past noon yet and we were originally going to arrive around two o'clock, but I couldn't wait. I had told Josh over the walkie talkie this morning; he was so happy I had to turn down the volume from his squeals of joy.

Mom grabbed her keys, Maddy on her hip and purse hanging from her arm. "Okay! Let's go, boys!" She smiled.

 

 

The ride to Josh's house was such a blur that I don't even remember getting in the van. Once we were parked in the driveway, I jumped out of the van and rushed to the trunk. "C'mon, Mom! Open the trunk!"

She scoffed. "Calm down, Tyler." The sound of her high heeled boots crushing the packed snow echoed in my ears. As soon as she opened the trunk, I grabbed my suitcase and trudged up the sidewalk, not a care in the world about leaving Zack behind.

By the time I got to the front door, Zack and Mom with Maddy on her hip were walking up the salted porch steps. I knocked on the door four times, counting the seconds until someone opened it. I got to nine Mississippi when Josh appeared in front of me, his toothy grin so wide his eyes were squinted.

"Ty!" He surged forward, hugging me tightly. I dropped my suitcase and squeezed him just as tight. "Come in! Hi, Mrs. Jo-- I mean, Kelly." He gave a sheepish grin to which my mom just smiled as she shook her head. Zack pushed past us, calling out for Ashley.

Josh and I rolled our eyes as we stepped inside, Josh picking up my suitcase and shutting the door gently. Josh's mom came out of the kitchen, flour all over the red apron she was wearing. She smiled when she saw us. "Hi! My name is Laura." Our mothers shook hands. "I don't think we've officially met!"

Mom laughed. A real laugh too, not the fake ones she gives to the ladies at church. "I'm Kelly! Are you sure it's okay that Tyler and Zack stay over for four days?"

"Oh, it's no problem at all! I'm so used to being in a full house and they're such good kids, it'll be a blast." Laura giggled. "Who is  _this_  angel?!"

Mom grinned as Maddy hid her face in the crook of our mother's neck. "This is Madison, she's shy around people she doesn't know. But once she warms up to you, look out!" Mom and Laura both cackled.

Josh and I stood there awkwardly, glancing at each other every now and then. "Momma," Josh spoke up. "Can we go upstairs to my room?"

"Well, yeah but I'm sure Kelly would like to say goodbye to her baby boys!" Laura laughed.

Kelly guffawed. "Oh please! Did you see how fast Zack disappeared? They're mama's boys but they've been itchin' with excitement since this morning to get over here."

I pushed my ski mask up and shuffled over to my mom, hugging her waist. "Love you, Mom."

She squeezed me with her free arm, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "I love you too, honey." 

I pulled away and held Maddy's hand. "See ya next year, Mads!" I joked, making everyone snicker. "Love you."

"Wub you, Ty-Ty." Maddy smiled.

I took my suitcase from Josh, muttering a quiet thanks before we rushed upstairs to his bedroom.

 

 

Josh and I were sitting on his floor rummaging through the box of games he got for Christmas. He didn't seem to stop to take a breath while he was naming them off as he pulled them out of the box. It might sound really stupid but when Josh is this happy, I'm happy. It's like he transfers his happiness to others. He deserves to feel like this all the time.

"So, which one do you wanna play first?" Josh asked excitedly, drumming his fingers on his knees.

I shook my head, realizing I was staring at Josh and not the games. I wasn't even listening. I hesitated for a moment before an idea popped into my head.

"Hey!" I stood up. "Why don't we go play in the snow? Ya know, since it's still daylight, then we can play any game you want or watch movies."

Josh grinned, standing up and running to his closet. "Did you bring your snow stuff?"

"Duh!" I smiled, rushing over to my suitcase that was laying on Josh's bed. When I unzipped it the top flap popped open and the stuff I packed seemed to grow, rising out of the suitcase.

"Geez," Josh giggled, pulling his snow pants on over his jeans. "Did you bring your whole room with you?"

I turned my head toward him, giggling. "Somethin' like that."

 

 

When Josh and I were walking downstairs, dressed and ready to go, we noticed Zack and Ashley sitting on the floor in front of the door. I stretched my arm out in front of Josh, putting my finger to my lips, signaling him to keep quiet. Zack was on his knees in front of Ashley, tying the laces of her boots, while Ashley laughed. Josh smirked at me with a knowing look in his eyes. I nodded my head before we rushed down the stairs, startling Ashley and Zack.

Zack didn't stop tying her boots though. He just rolled his eyes as a faint blush spread across his cheeks. Ashley hung her head, avoiding meeting anyone's eyes.

Josh smiled. "We're gonna go play. You guys wanna come?"

"Actually, that's exactly what we were gonna do." Ashley looked up, a small smile and rosy hue on her face.

"Cool." I looked at Josh, smiling. "You did a good job tying her boots, Zack. You're getting better at that."

After Zack pulled the last loop taught, he stood up with a smile stretched across his face and punched me in the shoulder, lightly. "Well, I learned from the best."

I rolled my eyes, grinning, before ruffling Zack's hair. He just shook his head and helped Ashley stand up. 

"Ash," Josh moved closer to her, talking in a soft voice. "Do you want me to hold your hand and lead you the way? Ya know.. cause of your eye?"

"I can do it!" Zack exclaimed. He grabbed her hand and she smiled, looking away. "I'll make sure she's safe, Josh. I promise."

Josh grinned. "I know you will, Zack."

 

 

Instead of walking to the park on Terrace, we settled for just playing in Josh's backyard. Ashley and Zack were busy making a snowman while I helped Josh make a perfect snow angel.

He was lying on the ground, resting his arms and legs inside the shape of his angel. "Now what?" He chuckled breathlessly.

"Okay," I moved forward. "Now I'm going to pull you up by your hands and once you're almost on your feet, your gonna jump forward. 'Kay?"

He paused in thought for a moment before grinning and nodding his head. "'Kay." He reached out to me as I leaned forward and grasped his gloved hands. I used all my strength to pull him up. He jumped forward at the wrong time, though.. colliding our masked foreheads together then bringing me down to the ground with him.

We burst into laughter as we rubbed our foreheads. "Sorry about that." Josh smiled sheepishly.

"It's fine, Jish." I swept some of the snow off his shoulder. "I promise we'll make a perfect snow angel before the sun goes down."

He chuckled. "We have to! This darn snow has brought us down too many times!"

 

 

And we did. 

After five more tries, even more laughter and cherry cheeks that hurt so much from smiling, we finally made the perfect snow angel.

Somehow, Zack managed to find some dead leaves that were a brownish-orange and stuck them in the top of their snowman. I don't know why but Ashley crashed into him, hugging him so tightly he started giggling. Then I noticed the snowman had one eye that was a pretty brown and green swirled button and the nose was a small pink button. 

He made Ashley.

"Do you think that's a little strange?" I whispered to Josh.

He shrugged. "They're both a little strange. At least they aren't trying to kill each other anymore."

I chuckled, following Josh inside the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I needed a break. The past few chapters I wrote are about some of the horrible things that happened in my life and I got kind of.. stuck in it. It's hard to write about that stuff then try to write the good things in life immediately after. But I'm writing again, and this is kind of a filler chapter. I hope you all like it and I hope everyone is safe <3


	53. Buttons and Pockets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very long and it's the first time I'm writing from Zack's point of view. There are a lot of pictures so I'm sorry in advance if that bothers you but that's kind of what this chapter is about. Most of these pictures will be very important later in the story.
> 
> **WARNING**  
> There are some photos in this chapter that could trigger you or scare you.  
> I just want everyone to feel safe.

**Zack's POV**

_December 30th, 1997_

I was laying on the pallet Ashley and I had made for my bed, the sun was barely shining through the curtains, she was still sleeping and I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I woke up to the sound of Ashley whimpering in her sleep. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and watched Marie snuggle up to Ashley's face and rub her head against Ashley's cheek. I smiled as the whimpering stopped and I laid back down.

When were making our snowman yesterday, Ashley was disappointed in herself, talking bad about herself. She seemed to find something wrong with every part of the snowman; "it's head is too lumpy", "the arms are uneven", "it's mouth is crooked", "maybe we should start over", "I knew I would mess this up". 

No matter how many times I told her it was fine and she was doing a good job, she just sighed and shook her head. I asked her if she had any buttons. She looked at me suspiciously before nodding and saying her grandma has a big box full of 'em. I told her to go get them and I'll smooth out the head. 

By the time she came back outside, I had smoothed out the shape of the head and the body. She handed me the clear plastic tub, chewing on her bottom lip. I smiled at her and kneeled in the snow, removing the blue lid and running my fingers through the buttons. Ashley kneeled next to me and asked what I was doing. I told her I need to find pink buttons, red buttons, green and brown buttons. She grabbed the lid to the tub and laid it upside down on the ground before picking up a pink button and placing it on the lid. I smiled at her cleverness and she peeked at me from behind her strawberry hair, a tiny smile on her face.

We had picked out five pink buttons, twelve red ones, nine brown ones, and thirteen green ones before I found the perfect one. It was flat and seemed to be made out of some kind of shell. Browns and greens swirled together, forming the greatest idea I think I've ever had. I placed it on the lid, smiling at Ashley. She furrowed her brows and asked why we needed that one. I told her to stand behind the snow man and she'll see, that it's a surprise. A faint rose hue bloomed across her freckled cheeks as she nodded then stood up and hid behind the snowman.

I ran to the tree line of the forest behind Josh's house and began shoveling through the snow, picking out dead leaves. When I walked back I caught Ashley peering over at me. I pointed to her and she giggled, covering her face with her mitten covered hands. I dropped the leaves in the tub and picked up the lid. I made a small smile on the snowman with six of the red buttons before picking out a small light pink button for the nose. I picked up the special button and placed it where an eye would be. 

I stepped back and admired my work before setting the lid back down on the ground and picking up the tub. I stuck the stems of the leaves in the head, trying to create the look of hair. It was shorter than I wanted but I figured Ashley would understand. I dumped the remaining buttons back in the tub and tightened on the lid. I told Ash she could come out and see.

She walked slowly around the snowman, not meeting my eyes. I grabbed her hand and led her to stand in front of it. I told her to look up. She started shaking as she stared at what I had made and I thought I messed up real bad until she turned around and hugged me tightly. She said it's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for her and that she won't call me 'Yak-Zack' anymore. I laughed and hugged her back.

When the sun disappeared behind the trees and soft purples and pinks washed over the bright blue sky, Josh's grandma called us inside for dinner. We ate turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, and apple pie. It was such a change from the kind of dinner my mom makes. Josh and Tyler got in trouble for flicking green beans at each other with their spoons. Ashley shook her head and I rolled my eyes as we both snickered.

The four of us lumbered upstairs, our bellies full and grins on our faces. We played almost twenty rounds of Mario Kart, Josh won nine rounds, Tyler won seven, I won only one round and Ash won two, much to Josh's surprise. We all took turns playing Mortal Kombat, played Bomberman, then watched Space Jam and A Goofy Movie. Josh and Tyler snickered at each other when Max kissed Roxanne at the end before Tyler nudged my shoulder. I gave him a confused look but he just shook his head and popped another piece of popcorn in his mouth.

Eventually, Ashley and I went into her room to watch movies because our brothers wanted to watch Son in Law and Wayne's World, saying it was 'too mature for us babies'. What a load of garbage.. they're only two years older than us. Ashley snagged Dracula, The Addams Family, and Batman Returns before we padded down the hall and into her room. 

She insisted on making me a pallet on the floor instead of me just using my sleeping bag. She wouldn't let me help make it either. Dracula was awesome, and Wednesday just might be my favorite character but we ended up falling asleep on the pallet during Batman Returns. Somehow she moved to her bed in the middle of the night...

"Zack?" I heard a sleepy voice call out softly followed by a yawn.

I sat up, turned around and was met with Ashley sitting on the edge of her bed, swinging her legs back and forth.

"Oh," I yawned instinctively. "You're up. Good morning."

She gave me a half smile. "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long." I lied. "You?"

"Not long, either." She shrugged.

I nodded, wishing I could say something that wasn't awkward or stupid. She hopped off her bed and held her hand out for me to grab. She helped me up and smiled. "I have to go take my medicine but I have an idea for what we can do today."

"What's that?" I lightly chuckled.

She let go of my hand and walked to her bookshelf, grabbing something off the top shelf and hiding it behind her back. As she slowly stepped towards me, a grin grew across her face and my heartbeat sped up. Just as quick as she hid it, she pulled it from behind her, held it up in the air and exclaimed, "Tah-dah!"

I turned my head to the side, studying the object. "A camera?"

"Yeah, silly!" She giggled. "I thought we could take pictures... of just.. stuff we find interesting." She shrugged her shoulders as her smile faded and her teeth sank into her bottom lip.

"That sounds fun, Ash." I smiled.

A small smile turned into a full grin on her face as she nodded. "Cool."  


After we got dressed and brushed our teeth, I followed Ashley downstairs, camera in my hands.

"Oh my goodness!" Ashley giggled. "Hand me the camera! Quick!"

I gave her the camera and we slowly made our way down the creaky steps. Berlioz was at the bottom of the staircase staring up at us. He let out a tiny meow and wiggled his tail. Ashley giggled as she snapped a photo.

"He's so cute!" I grinned.

Ashley turned around, smiling at me as she shook the photo. "Do you wanna keep these in your pocket? Since ya know.. my dress doesn't have pockets."

I nodded my head gladly. "Of course!"

She handed me the photo before I carefully placed it in the pocket of my jeans. Ashley hopped off the last step, causing Berlioz to run into the living room. She handed me the camera.

"I gotta go have my Granny give me my medicine and eye drops.. but I'll be right back." She handed me the camera. "Go take pictures of anything!" She walked backwards into the kitchen with a grin on her face, then she was gone.

I decided to go into the living room, the smell of pine and cinnamon filling my nose. I looked around the room trying to find something to photograph. Suddenly, something I've never seen before caught my eye. It looked really old and I thought Ashley would like it, so I took a picture of it.

Ashley skipped into the living room, smiling so wide her cheeks had to hurt. "So what did ya find?"

I handed her the photo. "This.. thing." I shrugged.

She placed her hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh. "It's a record player, Zacky. Haven't you ever used one?"

I shook my head, feeling embarrassed.

Ashley handed me the photo back. "Put it in your pocket. I'll show you what it does." She gave me a kind smile.

I stepped back, placing the photo in my pocket as she placed some kind of needle on the record. A crackling noise filled the room before light piano and guitar replaced the noise. A lady's voice then rang out. It was beautiful.

Ashley stepped back, playing with the hem of her dress with the smallest smile on her face. "This is Pasty Cline.. Granny really likes her."

"This is really cool." I smiled. "I'm glad I took a picture of it."

She nodded, the small smile grew. "Let's go into the den!"

We shuffled into the den, our socks gliding across the soft carpet. We stepped in and saw Jordan sitting on the floor, toy cars surrounding him. I have to admit.. I wanted to join him but that felt silly to me.

"Whatcha doin' Bubba?" Ashley ran her fingers through his hair.

"Cars!" Jordan grinned up at her. "Do ya feel better t'day?"

"I do, Bubba." She smiled then looked at me with her hand extended. "Camera."

I handed it to her and watched as she moved around her little brother before snapping a picture. She grinned at me as she shook it before handing it to me to place in my pocket, then giving me the camera.

We shuffled around the den, looking for something interesting to take a photo of. I walked behind the Christmas tree and searched the shelf until something caught my eye.

"Is this you, Ash?" I called out.

She padded over to me and took the framed photo from me. She took a deep breath and her hands shook a little before she nodded, letting out a halfhearted chuckle. "Yeah.. that's my dad, me, and Josh."

I leaned towards her to get a closer look. "You guys look so happy."

Ashley let out a shaky breath. "We were... There weren't many of those times."

"Where's your dad now?" I tilted my head.

"Prison."

I paused. "Oh."

"Yeah..." She placed the photo back on the shelf then walked away.

I waited a moment to make sure she wasn't looking before taking a picture of the photo. Even though she seemed sad, she still smiled at the photo... It was a happy moment and I thought she should keep it. No matter what had happened.

I shook the photo and placed it in my pocket with the others.

"Zack!" Ashley called from the other side of the room. "Come look!"

I shuffled toward her, a half smile on my face. She was holding a smaller picture frame, grinning from ear to ear.

"This is Josh when he was a baby." She held the photo out to me so I could get a closer look.

I chuckled as I snapped a picture.

Ashley gasped which then turned into a giggle. "Why did you choose to photograph that?"

I grinned and raised an eyebrow. "Blackmail."

She let out a loud laugh, tossing her head back. Her soft strawberry curls framed her face perfectly when she looked back at me, smiling. "Good idea."

I placed the photo in my pocket.

Ashley kneeled down and pulled a thin book off of the lower shelf. I stood closer to her as she flipped through the glossy pages. It didn't take long before she pointed at a picture, "Ah-ha!" She giggled, holding the book out to me. "That's Josh in second grade." She gave a mischievous smile.

I laughed, nodding, and took a photo. She took the developing photo from me and shook it.

"More blackmail?" I asked.

She just nodded her head, grinning, before reaching over and placing it in my pocket.

My face felt hot as I followed her out of the den.  


As we made our way to the kitchen, Marie was laying on the rug in front of the front door.

"Hi, baby girl!" Ashley squealed, kneeling down next to her kitten. "Hand me the camera, Zacky!"

Marie rolled on her back and pawed at the strap of the camera. Ashley snapped a picture then shook it. "Aw, you're such a cute kitty!" She turned to me and handed me the photo.

Ashley and I skated with our socks on the wooden floor into the dining room, giggling the whole way. Ashley gasped before snapping a photo of something I couldn't see. She handed me the photo and Duchess ran out of the room.

When the photo fully developed I burst into laughter. "She's so weird!"

Ashley giggled. "I know!"

"Hey!" Ashley's grandma called from the kitchen. "Don't be makin' fun of my princess."

Ashley shook her head before taking my hand in hers and leading me into the kitchen. We hopped up on the bar stools and Ashley took the photo from me. "Look, Granny." She giggled.

Granny turned around, her glasses pushed down on the brim of her nose and flour all over her apron. She grabbed a dish towel and wiped her hands off before taking the photo from Ash. Granny let out a chuckle and shook her head. "My goodness.. that cat is a character, I'm tellin' ya." She handed the photo back to Ashley. "We have to put that one in the scrapbook!"

"Oh, we got lots to put in the scrapbook, Granny!" Ashley grinned, giving me the photo to place in my pocket.

Granny turned back around, putting flour back on her hands and going back to what she was doing. "Good!"

Ashley kicked her feet back and forth. "Whatcha makin' Granny?"

"Cookies!" Granny turned her head around and grinned. "And I'm gonna need your help, Ashley. Your little friend can help too.. if he wants to."

Our eyes lit up at the thought of eating cookies until we couldn't move. Then Ashley's smile faded.

"Well, we're takin' pictures of stuff right now." She chewed on her bottom lip. "Can I help you later?"

"Of course!" Granny chuckled. "I've made about four batches already and I need to make five more. Then I gotta make my fudge!"

Ashley gasped and grabbed my arm. "You're going to love her fudge! I swear it's the greatest thing on the planet."

Granny and I giggled. Ashley let go of my arm and looked down.

"I bet it is!" I grinned. "You're an amazing cook, Granny."

"Why thank you, Zack!" She smiled at me. 

Ashley quickly raised her head up. "Granny, can we go outside and take pictures? I promise we won't be long."

"Just be in before dark, Pumpkin."

Ashley grinned at me before hopping off the stool and rushing to the front door. I followed after her, my heart racing. She slipped on her galoshes and pulled on her coat while I tied the laces of my boots as fast as I could. I tugged on my coat as she opened the front door. With the camera hung by the strap around her neck, she grabbed my hand and walked outside. I shut the door softly behind me.

 

We carefully walked down the front porch steps, the packed snow crushing under our shoes. Ashley rushed forward then suddenly stopped, letting go of my hand and picking up the camera that hung around her neck. She snapped a photo and let out a sigh, the cold air making her breath cloud around her. It wasn't a sad sigh.. or annoyed... She seemed peaceful. I trudged through the snow and stood next to her. She smiled as she handed me the photo.

"Wow." I breathed out. "It's beautiful, Ashley."

"I thought so, too." She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before taking the camera off her neck. "Put it in your pocket."

She walked behind me and placed the camera around my neck as I gently placed the photo in my pocket.

"It's your turn." She giggled before running off.

"Wait-- What?" I watched her dash behind the side of the house. "Ashley!" I yelled. "What do you mean?"

I could hear her faint laughter as I rounded the house. She was laying in the snow, the glittering white making her red hair look brighter. I walked over to her and tilted my head.

"Whatcha doin', Ash?" I smiled.

"Makin' a snow angel." She giggled. "Duh, Zacky!"

I tossed my head back and laughed, the fog of my breath lingering in the air. "Well, I  _knew_  that." I shook my head. "Silly goose."

She closed her eyes as she moved her arms and legs back and forth, the snow spreading away from her and forming an angel. She stopped moving and smiled, her eyes still closed. I leaned down and looked through the viewfinder.

"Hey, Ashley."

When she opened her eyes I snapped the picture.

"Hey!" She giggled, sitting up. "What did you do that for?"

"I found it interesting." I shrugged. "You looked.. happy."

She smiled and bit her lip before shaking her head and standing back up. She walked away, wordlessly, around the house.

I looked down at the photo and smiled. I put it in my other pocket.

I walked back to the front porch to find Ashley sitting on the top step with her head hung down, making shapes in the snow with her fingers. "I think we should go inside, Zack."

"Why?" I stood in front of her. "Too cold?"

She nodded her head but didn't look up at me.

"Okay." I shrugged. "You're the one that decided to lay in the snow.. in a  _dress_."

She lifted her head up, her eyebrows furrowed. She opened her mouth to say something until she noticed I was grinning. Her expression softened and the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. "C'mon, you doofus."  


After we went back inside and shrugged off our shoes and coats, we decided to go into the living room. Ashley's mom was sitting on the couch, Abigail was in a tiny bed beside her on the floor.

"Hi, Momma." Ashley sat beside her. I settled for plopping down next to Ashley.

"Hey, baby girl." Her mom ran her fingers through Ashley's hair before placing her hand on Ashley's cheek. "You're freezing."

Ashley rested her head on the back of the couch. "Zacky and I were outside taking pictures."

"Oh, well  _in that case_  I guess it was necessary, huh?" Her mother smirked.

"Shup, Momma." Ashley chuckled before turning her head to me. "Zack can I have the camera?"

"Sure." I nodded, lifting the strap up and off my neck then handing it to her.

"Thank you." She smiled and turned her head back toward her mother. "Momma, can I take a picture of Abby?"

"Of course, sweetie."

Ashley leaned forward and snapped a photo. She shook the picture then showed it to her mother. "She's so precious, Momma."

"She sure is.." Ashley's mother sighed. "Your Granny insisted I wrap her in that darn Halloween blanket. Somethin' about Abigail being born in October and that Halloween is gonna be her favorite holiday." Her mother rolled her eyes.

Ashley giggled. "How did you get Toulouse and Abby to pass out like that?"

A slight smirk graced her mother's face. "I sang Rhiannon."

The grin on Ashley's face fell. "Oh." She lifted the camera and looked through the viewfinder, snapping a photo of Toulouse.

Suddenly, a loud crash came from the den causing all of us jump, Toulouse ran out of the room and Abigail woke up, crying instantly.

"Just wonderful!" Ashley's mother grumbled.

Ashley grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch. We dashed into the den and the scene in front of us was so remarkable, Ashley immediately snapped a photo.

Josh was splayed out on the floor and Tyler was nowhere to be found. Ashley and I walked over to Josh, chuckling.

"Good job, Bub." Ashley smirked.

"Oh, shup!" Josh groaned.

"Where's Tyler?" I laughed.

"Under here." My brother's muffled voice came from under the Christmas tree.

Josh, Ashley, and I burst into a fit of giggles. Ashley was holding her stomach she was laughing so hard.

"It's not funny!" Tyler yelled. "Someone help me!"

Just then, Grampa walked in the room. "Son of a motherless goat!" Grampa chuckled. "What did you boys do? It looks like a bull in a china shop ran through here!"

Josh sat up, slowly. "We were playing tag and I kind of.. tripped."

Grampa placed his hands on his hips. "You tripped on a six foot Christmas tree?"

Josh placed his head in his hands, sighing.

"Well, Ashley," Grampa walked farther into the den and patted her on the shoulder. "I do believe your brother has stolen the crown of clumsiness from ya." He chuckled. "Don't worry boys, I'll help ya out."

"Can someone get this thing off of me first?" Tyler called out.

Grampa snickered. "Nah, we'll use ya as the star for the tree." He winked at Ashley before she and I began walking away.

"Oh, darlin'!" Grampa called after her. "Granny wants ya to go help her with all them sweets she's makin'."

Ashley gasped. "C'mon, Zacky!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her.

"Ah-ah!" Grampa yelled. "Your grandmother said she just wants you to help." He walked closer to us and leaned down. "I think she's wantin' to talk to ya." He patted her on the back. "Ya know how she is."

Ashley nodded and handed me the camera. "Go into my room and photograph anything you want, Zacky. I'll call you down when dinner's ready."

I felt sad for some reason but nodded my head anyway and took the camera. I followed her to the staircase where we went our separate ways.  


As I made my way up the stairs something caught my eye. It was on one of the steps, white and... A bunny? I swear I've seen this thing somewhere before... I took a photo of it before picking it up and going into Ashley's room.

I flipped on the light switch and shut the door behind me as I walked into her room. There are so many things I could photograph in here. I felt nervous like I was given a test. What if she thinks my photos are stupid or lame?

I sighed as I set the bunny on Ashley's desk and sat in the chair in front of it. I could always take a nap or play a video game while I wait. Why didn't Granny want me to help bake the cookies? Does she not like me? I laid my head down on the desk and closed my eyes.

When I opened them I noticed a stack of different colored papers laying next to my head. I sat up, picking them up and placing the stack in front of me. The first one was Ashley's name, drawn in bubble letters with purple marker. I smiled at the little doodles framing the paper. I moved on to the paper underneath and my breath caught in my throat. At first I didn't understand but I looked at the bunny sitting on the desk then back to the drawing. 

I don't know why but I picked up the camera and took a photo of it. I stared at the picture as it developed before placing it in the pocket of my jeans that held the photo of Ashley.

I moved onto another page and there was an ache in my chest. I took a photo of that one too.

The next drawing scared me. I've heard my brother say those exact words. I inhaled a shaky breath as I took a picture.

Tears welled up in my eyes when I read the next paper. How can she think this? Or feel like this? Who  _made_  her feel like this? It's not true. I took a picture.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and stuffed the photos in my pocket. I stacked the papers back together and placed them back where they were. I sat back in the chair, sniffling as I hung my head down. I stared at the top of the camera that hung around my neck.

So many thoughts were running through my head but the one that stuck out was that Ashley feels like no one cares about her... I care. 

Someone has hurt her and there's nothing I can do about it. What if she's like my brother?

 

"Zack!" Ashley yelled.

I rubbed my eyes and stood up, rushing to the door. I turned out the light as I shut the door behind me. I padded down the hall and stopped at the top of the staircase. She was at the bottom of the steps, one hand on the railing with the other one fiddling with the hem of her dress.

"Are you comin' downstairs or not, silly?" She giggled.

"Yeah." My voice cracked. "I'm comin'."

I slowly made my way downstairs, avoiding Ashley's gaze.

"Come see all the stuff we made!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the dining room. The table was crowded with sweets. My mouth hung open.

"Do-- Can we eat 'em?" I asked, hopefully.

She giggled. "Some of them. Most are for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day."

I let go of her hand and took a photo of the glorious table that sat in front of me.

I let the camera hang from my neck again as I placed the photo in my pocket. I smiled at Ashley and held her hand again. Her cheeks were painted pink, dotted by her freckles, as she looked away.

"Ashley and Zacky, sittin' in a tree!" My brother's annoying voice sang out from behind us. I just rolled my eyes and looked back at the table.  
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Josh joined in.

"Oh shup, you sack 'o turds!" Grampa guffawed. "They aren't the one's that got attacked by a Christmas tree." He pushed past them and patted me on the back as he walked into the kitchen.

Ashley and I smiled at each other as we joined everyone else in the kitchen.  


That night we all ate homemade pizza in the den. Josh and Tyler didn't make fun of us anymore. Probably because Granny scolded them both and gave them the chore of shoveling the sidewalk for tomorrow. When it was time for bed, Ashley and I played with her hamster, Roquefort. I didn't realize she took a photo of me before we looked through all of them. Well.. all but the ones in my other pocket.

As I curled up on the pallet, snuggled in the blankets, I decided I would talk to Ashley about the drawings tomorrow. She was so happy today. I don't want to ruin it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not happy with this chapter but it's so important. I wish I could have written it better but for some reason it was very difficult to write from Zack's point of view. *sigh* 
> 
> The next two chapters will be in Ashley and Josh's point of view for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.  
> Something _will_ happen.


	54. Cinnamon Blush

**Ashley's POV**

_ December 31st, 1997 _

I turned over in my bed, hugging Luna close to me as I endured the pain of opening my eye. It's so difficult to not open both. Every time I do it, my eyelid moves, pulling at the stitches holding it shut. I took a deep breath and sat up, resisting the urge to rub my eyes. I looked over to where Zack was sleeping on the pallet I made him. A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I placed Luna on my pillow and got out of bed, careful not to wake Zack.

I padded across my room to my door, desperately hoping I can open and close it without waking anyone. I turned the knob slowly, the sound of the rusted door hinges filling the room. I held my breath as if that would make it any more silent. I opened the door just enough to slip through and into the hallway. I gripped the knob, holding it still as I pulled the door shut before gently guiding the knob back to it's original spot.

I didn't let out the breath I was holding until my hands were by my side and I was alone in the hallway. I listened for any movement in the house but heard nothing. The musty smell of the peeling wallpaper and the soft glow of the lights strung along the walls overwhelming my senses. I crept down the hall to the stairs, the smell of pipe tobacco filled my nose.  
Grampa's awake.

I sighed, accepting the fact he'll probably want to help me put in my eye drops, and walked downstairs. So much for wanting to be alone. I tiptoed around the doorway of the living room, noticing it was pitch black, even in the den.

"Psst."

I whipped my head around to see Grampa standing in the doorway of the dining room, pipe in hand. He smiled as he brought the pipe to his mouth and took a puff. "C'mon, I'll make you cinnamon toast."

I followed him into the kitchen, climbing onto one of the bar stools and resting my elbows on the kitchen island. "I thought you didn't smoke in the rest of the house, Grampa?"

He chuckled as he tamped out his pipe, placing it in his shirt pocket before grabbing a loaf of bread, butter, and cinnamon sugar. He turned his head slightly, an eyebrow raised, as he placed two slices of bread in the toaster. "And I thought you were supposed to be in bed?"

I dropped my gaze to my hands, a small tug of a smile forming on my face. "Yeah.. I couldn't sleep. I came downstairs to put drops in my eyes.. but I guess that's not going to happen now."

Grampa turned around, his arms crossed over his chest, a smug look gracing his weathered face. "And just what makes you think that, sugarplum?"

"Well.. Momma never lets me do it by myself." I sighed, my shoulders slumping. "A-and I figured since you're awake, you won't let me do it either."

"Hmm." Grampa scratched the light scruff on his chin. "Well, I don't see why you can't do it yourself." The ding of the toaster shifted his attention to making my toast. He opened the cupboard, pulling out my favorite plate, before swiping butter on the slices and sprinkling cinnamon sugar on top. He walked to the fridge and pulled out the jug of chocolate milk, winking at me before pouring me a glass and setting the milk and toast in front of me.

I grinned, immediately chugging my chocolate milk and taking a big bite out of my toast. "Thank you, Grampa." I smiled, my voice muffled slightly.

He chuckled as he poured himself a fresh cup of coffee. "No problem, honeybee." He sat down on the stool beside me, mixing sugar in his coffee. "I can show you how to put your eye drops in, Ashley."

"Really?!" I mumbled through a mouth full of food.

He took a sip of his coffee before nodding his head, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Of course! You're a big girl, there's no reason for your mother to baby you if you feel confident enough to take care of yourself."

I gulped down the rest of my chocolate milk, swinging my legs back and forth. "Can we do it before everyone else wakes up?"

He nodded, chuckling to himself. "Of course, sunshine."

We both stilled as Duchess waltzed into the kitchen, hopping up onto the counter. The shuffling of my grandmother's slipper covered feet following after her. She walked over to the coffee pot, grabbing a mug and filling it to the brim, moving the mug to her nose and breathing in the scent. Either she isn't fully awake yet and hasn't noticed me or she doesn't seem to care.

She sat her mug on the kitchen island before resting against it on her elbows. "Mornin', Pumpkin." She smiled.

Grampa glanced over to me with a soft smile. "Barb, your granddaughter would like to learn how to put in her own eye drops."

"Oh really?" She smiled at me fondly then walked to the fridge to pull out a carton of Half & Half, before pouring a dash of it into her coffee. "Well, I think that's a wonderful idea." She winked, taking another sip of her coffee.

"Y-you're not mad?" I shifted slightly in my seat.

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "Why would I ever be mad about you wanting to be independent, Pumpkin?"

"Well.. Momma doesn't think that I can--"

"Oh, shup." She waved me off. "Let me finish my coffee, you finish your toast and we'll get right to it, okie dokie?"

I nodded enthusiastically, unable to fight the grin off my face.

 

It wasn't bad at all. I don't know why Momma always made such a big fuss about it. Granny and Grampa said I did so well and they never doubted me for a second. They sent me back to bed afterwards, considering it was four in the morning. 

When I crept into my room, Zack was still sound asleep. The rising sun just beginning to shine through my lilac curtains. Just as I began slipping past him to get back into bed, I noticed a few photos peeking out from under his pillow. I reached down as quiet as possible to grab them. I held my breath as he shifted slightly, but as he began snoring softly I decided it was safe to pad over to my bed, quickly snuggling under my blankets.

I grabbed my flashlight off my bedside table, sitting up with the covers over my head to block out the light. I stacked the photos neatly and sat them in my lap. The photo on top was a photograph of me, the one Zack took when I was making snow angels. Why would he keep that one? I shook my head in amusement before moving on to the next photo. My breath caught in my throat as I stared at the photo of Josh and I with our dad. The world seemed to spin faster.

I squeezed my eyes shut, flipping the photo over and placing it to the side. I gulped nervously as I looked back to the next photo. Luna? I sat there dumbfounded, confused as to why he would take a picture of her. Shrugging it off, I sat it to the side and continued rifling through the photographs. I struggled to breathe, my entire body shaking. He found them.

He found my drawings and took photos of them... to- to keep for himself. Why? Those are private! I never gave him permission to look at those. Heck, I haven't even shown Josh. Now-- Zack knows everything. I couldn't help the sob that rose out of my chest and slipped past my lips. I placed my head into my hands and tried to control my breathing, willing away the tears that threatened to slip down my cheeks.

I sniffled, placing the photos back in their original order and stuffed them in my pillowcase. I turned off the flashlight and laid it beside me, never removing the covers from my head as I curled up into bed. I spent the rest of the morning fighting the voices in my head, trying to decide if I should mention any of this to Zack when he wakes up.

 

 

When the morning light shown through my blanket, I heard Zack shuffle out of bed and leave my room; probably going to the bathroom. I took a deep breath, preparing for when he notices the photos are gone. Will he get mad? What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore? I risked peeking out from underneath the blanket to check the time on my alarm clock. 8AM.

Before I could hide into the safety of my cocoon, Zack walked back into my room, a look of surprise on his face. "Oh, hi." He smiled. "Good mornin', Ash."

I hummed out a response as he plopped back onto the pallet on the floor. I didn't miss the way he tried to nonchalantly check for the photos that were badly hidden under his pillow. He looked around the floor and checked under the blankets. I slowly sat up in bed, grabbing the photos and holding them out in front of me.

"Looking for these?"

He snapped his head up, pure shock written on his face. "I-- I can explain."

"Yeah, you're going to. These are private, Zack." I scowled. "I told you I didn't want that photo of my dad and you had no right to look through my drawings."

He slowly stood, placing his hands in front of him as he shuffled towards my bed. "C-can I sit beside you?"

I looked away. "Sure." I huffed.

He hesitantly sat on the edge of my bed, his short legs dangling from the side. "I-- I though you would like it... I mean, you look so happy and--" He sighed, placing his head in his hands. "It was wrong to look through your drawings. I'm sorry."

"Then why did you do it?"

He gnawed on his bottom lip before letting out a deep sigh and squeezing his eyes shut. "At first, I just saw your name on the top and-- Wh-when I kept going through them.. I saw how scared you were- are. I was going to ask you 'bout them but..."

"But?"

"I don't know... I'm really sorry, Ashley." He looked at me with tears welling up in his eyes. "I just wanted you to know that- that you're not alone. I care."

I looked down at my lap, nervously fidgeting with my fingers. "What about this one?" I handed him the photo he took of me yesterday.

He stiffened, his face flushing to the tips of his ears. "I-- Um. I was gonna give it to you but I--"

"You wanted to keep it." I smirked.

He held his head down in shame, staring at the photo of me and nodded. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"Why?" I scooted farther towards him until I was sitting next to him on the edge of my bed, swinging my feet back and forth.

"'Cause it's creepy." He shrugged.

I giggled. "No, I mean why did you want to keep it?"

He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes before shrugging. "You look happy.. and in that moment you were. You were  _so_  happy and I just-- I just wanted to remember that day." He looked away toward my bedroom door before rushing out, "And you're real pretty."

My cheeks felt hot. I giggled and nudged his shoulder with mine, causing him to look back at me. "You can keep it, Zacky."

His eyes widened, his mouth slightly agape. "R-really?"

I nodded, giving him a small smile as I held his hand. "I'm not explaining the drawings, though."

He nodded in understanding, his palm a bit sweaty. "You have to tell me about your stuffed animal, though." He giggled. "It's too cool."

I grinned, nodding happily. "Luna's story is pretty cool. It would be a shame if I didn't tell you all about her."

He chuckled, squeezing my hand a bit tighter.

"So... Do you wanna go eat breakfast and then we can build a fort?" I smiled.

"Duh!" He laughed, slowly untangling his fingers from mine and placing the photo of me on my bed.

His laughter was contagious as we both stood up to walk out of my bedroom. He stopped in the doorway, suddenly, holding his hands up. "One thing; Josh and Tyler aren't allowed in our fort. They're total butt heads and will hog all the snacks."

I giggled, nodding. "Definitely. Plus, I know for sure that my grandma will let us smuggle as many cookies as we can carry in my room."

Zack raised his fist in the air, "Yes!"

 

 

After eating a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy, I pulled Granny to the side and asked her if we could borrow as many blankets she has. She raised an eyebrow before asking if I would like Christmas lights to hang in our fort as well. I hugged her tightly as she chuckled and kissed the top of my head.

I gotta say, Zack and I are total pros at building forts. We sat up my TV at the foot of my bed so we could watch movies, ignoring our brothers teasing us about kissing at midnight. We had watched Space Jam, Beetlejuice, and by the time we were in the middle of watching The NeverEnding Story, Zack paused the movie. He sat up from his position laying on his stomach on my bed and faced me, a wary look on his face.

I furrowed my brows and sat up as well, concern washing over my features. "What's up, Zacky?"

He shifted his gaze to his lap, fidgeting with his thumbs before taking a deep breath. "Can y-you tell me about Luna, now?"

My face softened and I nodded, grabbing the tupperware container filled with cookies and placing them between us. "Okay, grab some cookies 'cause this might take a while."

A shy smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he nodded and grabbed a handful of cookies.

I let out a deep breath. "So.. my grandmother sewed me a rabbit. I named her Luna." Zack nodded, taking a bite of his chocolate chip cookie. "When I first got her.. she didn't look the way she does now. I- Um. I crossed out her eyes with marker and traced over every repair stitch with markers." A cold sweat raised on my skin. I shook my head back and forth, a desperate attempt to clear out the voices in my head. "Uh, I-- I don't really know how to explain why I did it but.. sometimes my-- my head gets too loud and Luna has always been there. Like, since I was a baby."

Zack nodded, nibbling at a cookie. "I kind of.. take my anger out on her." I gulped. "Sometimes, it's like she mocks me and it's like she's a part of me and when I feel bad things.. I feel like if I mark the bad parts on her then-- We're the same." I chewed on the insides of my cheeks, my face suddenly feeling hot. Embarrassed.

A period of silence passed by far too slowly for my liking but soon enough, Zack sat his cookie down and held my hand. A half smile tugging at his lips. "I get it, Ash."

I looked up, shock clear on my face. "You-- Really, you do?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. And I don't think you're weird."

I was sure my face was beet red as he squeezed my hand tighter, giving me a kind smile. Suddenly, the voices of Josh and Tyler teasing us about having to kiss at midnight began echoing in my head. Despite the good feeling in my chest, my stomach dropped and I felt like it was going to fall out of my butt.

I quickly shoved a cookie into my mouth, causing Zack to giggle and press play on the movie we were watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally did it! I went through withdraws and I am officially sober. I met back with my therapist and my psychiatrist, I'm back on my medications and I just... I've been doing much better, which is why I was finally able to update, lol. Sorry if this isn't the best chapter. I have so many ideas in my head and I'm trying to sort them all out. Sorry if this seems like a filler, I didn't intend for it to be.
> 
> I just want to thank all of you. You mean so much to me and I hope you're doing okay. Love you<3


	55. My Bones Don't Belong To Me

This is a link to a playlist I made for this chapter on my Spotify.  
You can listen to it while you read if you want.  
If you can't listen to music and read, I completely understand.

spotify:user:creepykit:playlist:7dKyqZ5HLlAbYALrN922Hp

 

 

**Josh's POV**

_ December 31st, 1997 - January 1st, 1998 _

"How do you keep doin' that, Jish?!" Tyler tossed the N64 controller on the floor with an exasperated sigh.

I shrugged, giggling with a smug look on my face. " _Maybe_  I'm just better than you, Ty." I nudged his shoulder playfully, sticking my tongue out at him.

He rolled his eyes and nudged me back, causing me to lose my balance and fall over with a giggle. "Rainbow road is  _the_  worst. I never should've shown you the secret!"

I clutched my tummy in a fit of giggles at his frustration. "Face it, Joseph.  _You suck_." I laid back placing my arms under my head and letting out a content sigh.

Tyler slowly turned his head toward me, a mischievous glint in his eyes and a smirk tugging at his lips. My eyes widened as he crawled closer to me.

My face fell as I went still. "You wouldn't dare."

He sat up on his knees, wiggling his fingers in the air with his eyebrows raised. " _Oh,_  but I would." He nodded, a huge grin stretching across his face.

Despite my pathetic attempt to shield my body, he leaped onto me and began tickling my sides, laughing like a maniac. "Mercy! I beg of you!" I laughed out. I managed to roll over onto my tummy, desperately trying to crawl across the floor.

"You can't escape me, Jish!" He cackled, crawling after me, pulling at my feet, until he was sitting on my legs, his villainous tickling never ceasing. I turned over onto my side, curling up and causing Tyler to fall off of me, both of us bursting into a fit of giggles.

I sat up, wiping tears from eyes still chuckling while Tyler laid on the floor laughing, clutching his tummy. I looked up at the sound of someone clearing their throat from my doorway. Ashley stood there, her arms crossed as she tapped her foot impatiently. Zack lingered behind her in the hallway, his hand covering his mouth to stifle his laughter.

"Are you two done rolling around on the floor or should I come back later?" She snickered.

Tyler shot up from his position on the floor, his eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. "We were just--"

I raised my hand, dismissing Tyler from explaining the situation. "How long were you two standin' there anyway?"

"Long enough." Zack smirked.

I took a deep breath, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "You two are idiots. Whaddya want anyway?"

Ashley barged into my room, scowling at me as she shoved three VHS tapes in my hands. "We're done watching these and we want more."

"Please,  _come on in_. Order me around.  _In fact,_  just take whatever you--"

"Shup!" She placed her hands on her hips. "Toy Story, Wayne's World 1  _and_  2." She held her hand out impatiently. "I'm growing old here, Josh."

I scoffed in disbelief. "You're a real turd, ya know that?" She hummed out a response as I stood up from the floor, sluggishly walking to grab the movies off the bookshelf in my room. I deliberately walked back to her as slow as possible, the small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth growing as I watched her expression grow furious. She looked fit to be tied.

I bowed, holding the movies outward to her. "Here you are, m'lady."

She snatched the VHS tapes out of my hands and stomped out of my room, Zack following close behind her. I shut my door and turned around to see Tyler, hunched over and rummaging through his overnight bag. With an eyebrow raised, I walked toward him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey."

He jumped up, letting out a deep breath. "Geez, you scared the crap outta me, Josh."

"Sorry." I chuckled. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Do you have a boombox?" He asked, his head tilted slightly and his lips pursed.

"A what?" I furrowed my brows and scrunched up my nose, confused as ever.

"A boombox." He flailed his arms about. " _Ya know_ , you play CD's and cassette tapes in it? Listen to the radio?"

"Ohh! You mean a stereo?" I giggled.

He lowered his head, eyebrows knitted together and eyes squinted. " _No_. It's called a boombox."

I shook my head slightly. "Dude,  _no_. It's a stereo."

He stepped closer to me, hands on his hips. "It's a boombox."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Stereo."

He scowled, moving farther towards me. His face was so close I could smell the Skittles on his breath. " _Boombox_!" He dragged the word out.

" _Stereo_!" Our noses were almost touching.

"Boombox!"

"Stereo!"

He placed his hands on my shoulders, startling me. "Boombox, Jish." His voice just barely above a whisper.

I sighed, moving his hands off of my shoulders and stepping away from him. "Why d'you wanna know anyway?"

"I brought some CD's and I thought we could listen to 'em." He shrugged, his face tinted a light shade of pink.

"Oh, cool. What did ya bring?" I walked toward his overnight bag but he stopped me, placing his hands out.

"Well, my older cousin has a CD burner in his computer. He gave me some mix CD's for Christmas, in secret, of course. If my mom ever found out I was listening to this kind of music... I don't know what would happen. Well, I  _do_  know but I don't want it to happen. And I--"

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Ty, breathe. You're panicking."

He nodded, taking in deep breaths and letting them out slowly. His gaze dropped to the floor before his eyes flitted back up to meet mine, chewing on his bottom lip. "Promise you're not gonna make fun of me?" His voice was so small.

I spit on my hand, holding it out for him to shake. "I promise."

He smiled, repeating my actions and shaking my hand. "Okay," he let out a deep breath before grabbing the CD's from his bag. "Now, my parents don't let me listen to any 'cool' music, I guess, so some of these might make you laugh." He turned around, placing the CD's in my hands.

"I doubt I'll laugh and if I do it's probably 'cause I like the song." I chuckled, walking over to my dresser where my stereo-- 'boombox' sat. I glanced at the at the CD's, reading the sloppy titles written in Sharpie on the front. I stifled a giggle at the labels. 'Tiny's Grooves', 'Knowledge of Punk', 'Songs I've Caught You Dancing To', and 'You'll Thank Me Later'.

 

 

I decided to put 'Songs I've Caught You Dancing To' in first, snickering. I pressed play and as soon as the first song began I knew exactly what song it was. 'This Is How We Do It' by Montell Jordan. My eyes lit up and I spun around, my mouth agape and staring at Tyler like a crazy person. "Dude! I love this song!"

His bottom lip caught between his teeth as a faint blush spread across his cheeks. "Really?" He shuffled his feet.

"Yes!" I started dancing around my room, singing along to the music as I moved to my bedside table and turned on my lamp. The soft light casting a bluish hue, fading into the glow of the red lava lamp on my desk. I noticed Tyler was just standing in place, swaying gently from side to side and mouthing the words. I stopped dancing and walked towards him.

"Ty, you don't have to be scared." I placed my arm around his shoulders. "It's New Year's Eve! We gotta celebrate!" I shook him slightly, bursting with excitement. I could see the want to just let go in his eyes but the look of fear written across his face made my heart hurt.

I moved to stand in front of him and took his hands in mine. A timid smile grew on his face as he looked up at me. "What're you doin', Josh?"

"We're gonna dance." I grinned. "You don't have to be embarrassed. I'm not a good dancer but I dance to the music because it's fun... you can lose yourself in the music and just forget about all your problems."

He nodded, gripping my hands tighter and began swinging them back and forth. I don't think I could smile any bigger as I watched his anxiety melt away. I wiggled around and shuffled my feet. Tyler giggled and let go of my hands, stepping back and dancing along to the music. He jumped around and sang his heart out. He knew all the lyrics.

His shyness became a thing of the past as he moved to the music of the 'Humpty Dance'. I couldn't help but cackle as I tried  _and failed_  to copy his moves. He's actually a really good dancer. He shuffled backwards, shrugging his shoulders until he was next to me. He criss crossed his legs, snapping his fingers and lowering himself to the ground, wiggling his butt. I couldn't help chuckling as he waved his arms around.

Suddenly, he stopped and grabbed my shoulders. "Jish! C'mon, dance with me!"

I burst in to giggles. "I'm not as good as you! I can't do it."

He threw his head back and sighed. "Oh my gosh, Josh! Just watch me and copy what I do, okay?"

I nodded, suppressing my laughter as we began dancing together.

 

We danced around playfully to 'Poison' by Bell Biv Devoe as we crammed gummi bears into our mouths. I was about to ask Tyler if he wanted to go downstairs to get drinks until 'Pump Up The Jam' sounded out from the speakers. "Dude! This is my song!" I threw my package of candy on my bed and jumped around, moving my hips.

"Mine too!" Tyler threw his empty package of candy on the floor, grinning, and started dancing wildly.

 

The both of us stood still as 'Space Jam' began playing. Immediately we were bouncing around the room, shouting the lyrics. Tyler's giggle was infectious as we held each other's hands and bounced about my room, our socks sliding across the wooden floor.

When the song ended and another began, we stopped to catch our breath, grinning. Tyler ran his hand through his hair, letting a quiet giggle slip past his lips. Abruptly, his eyes went wide and he ran across the room, grabbing a movie. "Jish. We  _have_  to watch Space Jam."

I pumped my arms in the air, a grin on my face, jumping up and down. "Absolutely!"

He giggled, placing the VHS movie on top of the television. He tilted his head, picking up another movie. "What's this?" He held it out to me.

I took the movie from his hands, instantly knowing which movie it was. "Oh! This is The Birdcage! Robin Williams is in it!"

Tyler gasped, snatching the VHS movie out of my hands, studying the case. "I love him! Well.. not as much as Jim Carrey but we  _have_  to watch this one, too."

I hummed, thinking before  _what I thought_  was a brilliant idea. "Hey! How 'bout we keep dancin', get some pop and put it in those fancy glasses, more snacks, and then we'll watch the movies?"

He nodded enthusiastically, his smile growing so large that his dimples popped and his eyes squinted a bit. He placed the movie back on the television and padded over to the boombox. I followed him, watching as he replaced the previous CD with 'Tiny's Grooves'. He turned his head toward me, a bashful smile growing on his face as he pressed play.

I gasped, hearing the sound of the Backstreet Boys fill my room. I watched Tyler's smile drop and hang his head, stepping away from me. I studied his demeanor; fiddling with his fingers, a dark shade of pink painting his face to the tips of his ears.

There was a moment of awkward silence before I spun around and shouted out, "Backstreet's back! Alright!" before dancing those typical boy band moves I've watched my sister perfect time after time.

His head shot up with a grin, the flush on his face fading. He cackled before singing loudly, " _Oh my God_ , we're back, again!" and dancing with me. Much better than me, might I add. I thought to myself that he probably perfected the dance moves just like Ashley had, but the thought disappeared as we lost ourselves in the music.

"Ty!" I yelled over the music. "Watch this!"

He stopped dancing, confusion washing over his face and furrowing his brows. "Do ya want me to stop the music?"

"No way, dude!" I grinned. "Just step back. I need room."

He nodded as I hopped onto my bed, standing up.

"Josh.." Tyler's voice was weary.

I braced myself as I heard the chorus begin again. Right when the I heard the words 'rock your body right', I did a back flip off of my bed. "Perfect landing!" I shouted at Tyler, grinning from ear to ear. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. I danced over to him, giggling. "What'd ya think?"

"That- I--" He shook his head. "You could have hurt yourself!"

The smile on my face fell at the thought of making Tyler worry or scaring him.

Then the corners of his lips turned upwards slowly into a mischievous grin. "But that was the coolest thing I have ever seen."

I laughed, shrugging my shoulders.

"No, seriously!" He grabbed my hand and led me to the middle of my bedroom. "That was.. it was sick!"

 

 

We danced around the room, singing along to the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC, our energy bouncing throughout the room. Tyler tried to teach me some sort of break dance move and we ended up falling on our butts, erupting into a fit of laughter. I was clutching my stomach, trying to calm myself but failed when Ty sat up, wiping tears from his eyes and bursting into giggles, again.

"Oh, man," I sighed, wiping sweat off my forehead. "If your brother and my sister ever found out about this, we'd be dead."

Tyler chuckled. "My brother begged me to teach him dance moves, dude!"

I sat up, my eyes wide with a grin stretched across my face. "Are you serious?!"

Tyler nodded. "Our parent's don't allow us to listen to their music because they said it's  _'inappropriate'_  or somethin' like that." Ty rolled his eyes before sighing and a smile reappearing on his flushed face. "My cousin gives me those CD's when he can. When our mom and dad are out, Zack and I listen to the radio and have like.. a goofy dance party." He let out an infectious giggle.

"Ashley  _loves_  the Backstreet Boys. I mean, she's  _obsessed_  with them. She plays the songs whenever she can. If we're in the car and one of their songs comes on the radio, she turns the volume  _all the way_  up." I sighed, shaking my head. "But my mom catches me singing along." I gave a sheepish smile.

Tyler nudged my shoulder with his, laughing. "Well, that's one more thing we have in common, Jish."

I grinned before standing up to grab a few Capri Sun's for us. I sat on my bed and motioned for Tyler to join me. We drank the first Capri Sun in one minute before sighing in content and laying back on the bed. The CD in the boombox had stopped. The only sounds in my room were our soft exhales, the loud music and laughter echoing from downstairs, and the small breathless giggles Ty would let out every so often.

I smiled, letting my eyes slip shut as I felt a wave of comfort wash over me. I could feel it rush through my lungs, my heartbeat slowing as if it were falling asleep. I wondered if this is what happiness feels like.

"Hey, Josh?"

I hummed out a response.

He hesitated before his tiny voice floated into the air, "Who's your favorite Backstreet Boy?"

I opened my eyes, giggling and turning my head to look at him. He had a sly smirk tugging at his lips that made me want to poke his nose. "Are you seriously asking me that?"

"Yeah!" He laughed. "I mean, we like their music... so we probably have a favorite." His face softened, the cheerful grin disappearing. "Right?"

I stared into his eyes. He seemed afraid. "I guess you're right." I shrugged. "Do you have a favorite?"

His expression shifted into a shy smirk. "I do, but I'm not telling you 'til you tell me yours."

I threw my hands in the air. "Ugh!  _That's such a Tyler thing to do_." I shook my head, smiling anyway. He stuck his tongue out at me before sitting up. "Alright. If we're going to talk about this stuff like two silly girls, we need snacks." I leaned over the bed, over half of my body in midair. 

Tyler gasped. "Jish! You're gonna fall!"

"Then hold my legs or feet or somethin'!" I giggled out, reaching for the bag of Doritos, the package of Oreos, and the box of Capri Sun.

He grabbed my legs, cackling as I tried to hold onto the snacks and get back up on the bed. "I don't think I planned this out very well," I sighed.

"Ya think?" Ty giggled. "You're just gonna have to fall. Just let it happen, Jish. Accept your fate!" He snickered.

"You suck." I muttered as he let go of my legs. I slid off the bed with a thump, still tightly grasping the snacks. Ty leaned over the side of the bed, grinning. "Well," He beamed with grabby hands. "Hand over the goodies."

I snorted, sitting up and handing over the snacks. I climbed back onto the bed, grabbing the bag of Doritos, opening them right away and shoving a handful in my mouth. Tyler snorted, shaking his head as he opened the Oreos.

"So," He started. "Who's your favorite?" He crammed an Oreo in his mouth before giving a sly smirk.

I rolled my eyes, sighing as I reached for a Capri Sun. "Hmm," I peeled the plastic straw off the drink. "Probably.. Brian Littrell." I stabbed the pouch only for the straw to go through the back of the drink. "Aw, dang it!"

Tyler tossed his head back, holding his tummy as he howled out a loud laugh.

"How am I s'posed to drink it now?!" I exclaimed, slightly chuckling. I removed the straw and and examined the two punctures in my drink.

"Good job, Dun." Tyler chortled as he wiped tears from his eyes. "Just drink it outta the holes?"

I grimaced. "That sounded gross, dude."

"Oh my gosh!" He snickered. " _Just do it_."

I sighed and practically stuck the top of the pouch in my mouth before chugging it. Ty laughed at me as the drink spilled down my chin and onto my shirt. I threw the now empty and wounded pouch across the room. "Okay, that was the most stupid thing I have  _ever_  done."

Tyler laughed, "Dude... your shirt is soaked. You totally missed your mouth!" He burst into another fit of giggles.

I scoffed, ripping the sticky shirt off of me. I slowly looked up to meet Tyler's eyes with mine. "Can-- Will you open one for me?"

He smiled, nodding. "Sure, Jishwa."

 

 

After I finally got a drink, Tyler and I had almost finished off the entire package of Oreos. We were buzzing with energy. I was shoveling Doritos in my mouth while Ty was tossing the gummi bears I had forgotten about in his mouth. Tyler took as sip of his drink, tilting his head, "So, Brian Littrell is your favorite, huh?"

I scrunched my nose, looking up at the ceiling. "Yeah, but.. AJ is so cool. I love what he does with his hair. I wish I could do stuff with my hair. Kevin is pretty awesome, too. Except for the facial hair. It makes him look like a thirty year old man."

Tyler guffawed. "Dude! What about that thing on AJ's face?!"

"Hey! He shaves it sometimes!" I defended.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "I think he should grow it out or just keep it shaved." I nodded in agreement. "Did you know Kevin is Brian's cousin?"

My eyes widened. "No way!"

"Yes!" He smiled as he stole a Dorito. "Brian is my favorite, too.  _And_  he plays basketball."

"So does Nick Carter, but he's a total douchebag." I said through a mouth full of chips.

"I know!" Tyler exclaimed. "He's so lame and full of himself. And  _all the girls_  love him... I just don't get it."

I shrugged. "What about Howie?"

Tyler hummed, picking at a scab on his arm. "I dunno. He's kinda... I mean he looks really-- He's cool but--"

"He's just kinda there?" I supplied. Tyler nodded, his face turning a light shade of pink. "He's like the really nice kid at school that everyone could be friends with."

"Exactly!" Tyler smiled, shoving another Oreo in his mouth. A few moments of silent- well sounds of chips crunching and crinkling of packages, Tyler spoke up. "Ya know.. Justin Timberlake plays basketball, too." He smirked.

I scoffed. " _Yeah_.. that's cool and all, but his hair looks like uncooked Ramen Noodles!"

Tyler fell backwards on the bed, giggling. "Oh my gosh, it totally does!"

I chuckled before leaping off my bed. "Do you like Yoo-hoo?"

Tyler fell silent and his face became expressionless. "Do you like breathing?"

I snickered, pulling him up off the bed. "I bet we can sneak some cookies and candy upstairs. My mom, Grampa, Granny, and everyone else that's here is probably drunk anyways."

"Yeah," He giggled then his eyes went wide. "Wait! I completely forgot!" He ran over to his overnight bag, rummaging through clothes until he pulled out six cans of what looked like soda. He stood up and sauntered towards me, a wicked grin tugging at his lips.

I raised my brows in confusion. "What are those?"

Tyler gasped. " _You've never had Jolt before?!_ "

"Nope." I shook my head.

His jaw dropped and his eyes almost rolled into the back of his head before he was placing the cans on my desk. He grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom door. "Josh, this drink will change your life. Now, let's go loot for goodies downstairs."

 

 

He was right.

We drank two cans each in less than an hour. The Yoo-hoo was abandoned after we each had one. I have no idea how many cookies we ate or the amount of candy we stuffed into our mouths. I put 'Knowledge of Punk' in the boombox because I just had a gut feeling that it would be amazing and it was. We were bouncing around to The Clash, making up our own dance moves and shouting out the lyrics. We jumped on my bed to the Sex Pistols with me winding up almost falling off the bed. Tyler tried to catch me but he ended up crashing to the floor with me.

We laughed so hard that we started crying because it began to hurt. Tyler stood up so quickly he looked like a blur. "Dude... I feel like I'm running but--" I burst into giggles. "I'm-- I'm sitting down!"

Tyler grabbed my hands, helping me to stand. "Maybe we should just drink some Yoo-hoo for now, huh?"

"Yes!" My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my skull. "Oh!" I jumped up and down, still holding Tyler's hands causing him to shake. "You know what we should do?! Let's play Mario Kart!"

Tyler grabbed my shoulders. "Yes!" He rushed to get some Yoo-hoo's and snacks before setting up the game. "We'll probably be like.. super focused and-- and maybe it will feel like we're actually  _in_  the game. Like, we're racing."

I plopped down beside him, grabbing a controller and nodding along to whatever he was saying. I could hear the Ramones playing in the background but all I could focus on is how I'm going to beat Tyler in  _every single round_  we play. I chose Toad as I tightened my jaw and knitted my brows together in concentration. 

I won the Mushroom Cup, Flower Cup, Star Cup, and just as we began DK's Jungle Parkway, Tyler began singing along to the music and wiggling around. It was distracting. I was looking back and forth from Tyler to the television screen. He laughed as I slipped on a banana before going back to singing, "Do you love me babe? What do you say? Do you love me babe? What can I say? Because I wanna be your boyfriend."

I scowled and tried to get ahead of him but he started rocking from side to side, nudging my shoulder with his. "Ty, stop it!" I laughed.

"Oh,  _I'm sorry_. Am I  _distracting_  you?" I could hear his smirk as I glared at the television screen.

I sighed heavily, trying my hardest to ignore him but then he sang out the rest of the song in the weirdest voice I have ever heard. It was like a mixture of Darth Vader and the Cookie Monster. I lost it. I tossed my controller to the side and fell back on the floor, cackling. Tyler took this as an opportunity to climb on top of me and tickle my sides. I begged for mercy but he only laughed manically, his eyes lit up with a devilish grin spread across his face.

"Stop!" I shot up from the floor, knocking Tyler over. I stood up quickly, jumping up and down to the music, air guitaring.

Tyler stood up and yelled over the music, "Josh, what're you doin'?!"

I stopped suddenly, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. "Ty, this is Blink 182. They are like... My favorite band,  _ever_. They are  _amazing!_ Travis Barker is my hero!"

He giggled and bit his bottom lip. He started dancing around with me, rocking his head back and forth. When The Kinks came on I had to take a breath. "I'm tired." I sighed.

"No!" Tyler yelled. "No way, Jishwa. We gotta stay up until after midnight!" He thrust a can of Jolt into my hands. "Drink it." I nodded as he grabbed his own can. "We'll chug it at the same time, 'kay?"

We both popped the tab and counted down from three before chugging pure energy. We gasped for air as we threw the empty cans in the trashcan, our eyes wide. 'Come On Eileen' started playing and I grabbed Tyler's hands, pulling him to the center of my room. "We need to dance."

"Why?"

"'Cause we just gotta."

Tyler bit his lip, failing to stifle his laughter as he nodded his head. 

So.. we danced. We danced until we had to change the CD to 'You'll Thank Me Later'. Tubthumping was the first song. Tyler and I lost it, dancing wildly to the music and singing like it was the only thing we knew how to do. 

When 'I'm Too Sexy' by Right Said Fred came on, Tyler had the brilliant idea to dance around like we were fashion models. I've never laughed so hard in my life as I watched him strike poses. 'Good Vibrations' by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch played after, Tyler decided to use his bottle of Yoo-hoo as a microphone only to realize the lid wasn't on all the way in the worst way possible. He stood still, his mouth agape, as the chocolate drink ran down his shirt and arms.

I couldn't help bursting out into a fit of laughter. "It looks like you landed in poop!"

He chuckled, throwing the bottle in the trashcan. "Oh, shup! It does not!" He took off his shirt, frowning, as he used it to wipe the drink off of his arms. " _Man_... this was my favorite shirt."

" _Ya know_ , there's this  _magical device_  you can use called a washing machine." I smirked.

Tyler glared at me. "If my favorite song wasn't playing right now, you'd be dead meat, Dun."

I walked by him, patting his bare shoulder. "Calm down, Poopy." I heard him scoff as I shuffled to the boombox, turning the volume up. 'No Diggity' was playing and you  _have_  to turn it up when it plays. It's just common sense.

When I turned around, Tyler was already dancing while sipping on a Capri Sun. I chortled, shaking my head as I copied his goofy dance moves. Soon the Jolt kicked in like a brick to the face and we lost track of time as we danced. We collapsed on my bed just as 'Bohemian Rhapsody' ended and 'Today' by The Smashing Pumpkins began.

 

Ty sighed, placing his hands on his chest as he closed his eyes and his mouth curved upward. "I'm really glad I got to spend the weekend with you, Jish."

I looked over at him from the corner of my eye. "Really?"

He rolled over onto his side, resting his head on his arm, looking at me in disbelief. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

I rolled over to face him and chewed on my bottom lip, thinking of the right thing to say. "I dunno."

"Josh," he sighed, "You're my best friend. I always wanna hang out with you. You're funny, awesome, kind, sick as frick, and you can do an amazing back flip."

I chuckled, pulling at a loose thread on my blanket. "I'm not  _that_  cool."

He sat up quickly. "Course you are!" He tugged on my arm. "C'mon, Jishwa. We're gonna watch The Birdcage."

I sighed as I stood up from my bed. "I thought you wanted to watch Space Jam first?"

Tyler shrugged. "Eh, I've watched it a bunch of times. 'Sides, I've never seen this one before, you really like it, and," he looked at my alarm clock, "it's ten o'clock. We gotta stay up 'til midnight, 'member?"

I smiled, nodding my head before walking to the television to put the movie in. Tyler and I got comfy on my bed, our heads at the foot of it, our arms crossed on top of pillows where our heads rested. I was enamored with the look on Tyler's face. The expression on his face seemed to transfix me. He was so engrossed in the movie; laughing, snickering, furrowing his brows, grinning, even blushing at times. He was fascinating.

His soft voice pulled me out of my daydream. "So.. Armand, who is gay, is pretending to be straight because of his son's fiance's parents?" He looked so confused.

I bit my bottom lip before nodding, sadly. "Yep."

"That's ridiculous!" Tyler gasped.

"Oh, it gets better." I grinned.

"I don't see how.. but okay." He muttered as he laid his head back down.

 

As we watched the movie, Tyler moved closer to me in little movements. I don't know if he meant to but I didn't mind. I felt safe when Tyler was near me. I'm so glad that he's my best friend. I remember the first time I saw him; dribbling a basketball in the hallway at school. Smart mouthing our Principal, or as we like to call him 'the walrus'. I snickered at the memory, causing Tyler to snap his head towards me, confusion and amusement written across his face.

"What's so funny?" He asked.

I smirked, shaking my head. "Nothin'."

He hummed. "I have a question and.. I'm worried you'll get mad at me for asking."

"You can ask me anything, Ty." I turned my head to face him fully.

"Okay." He sat up on his elbows and hesitated for a moment. "Albert is gay.. but-- He doesn't act the same way as Armand. He's more girly. I don't understand. Why does he want to act like a woman?"

I chuckled. "Ty, not every gay person acts the same way. Plus, there's all kinds of genders and sexualities."

"Really?" He squinted his eyes before looking back to the television. Albert was in a suit, trying his hardest to act more masculine. Armand scolded him for his socks. "I agree with Albert. One does want a hint of color." He giggled.

I laughed, hiding my face in my arms.

"I don't think he should have to hide who he is.." Tyler whispered just loud enough for me to hear it.

I lifted my head. "Yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah. If he wants to wear the clothes he likes and truly feels more like a woman, he should be able to do that without being afraid."

My heart swelled. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat before my voice cracked, "I-I'm really happy that you're my best friend, Ty."

He smiled softly, turning on his side and wrapping an arm around me. "Me too, Jishwa."

The comfort that blanketed us was yanked away as my mother banged on the now open door. Tyler and I were so absorbed in the feeling of happiness and safety, we hadn't noticed her standing there for God knows how long. The expression on her face shifted from confusion to horror and finally anger.

"What in the hell are you two doin'?!" She slurred.

Great. She's drunk and on her pain killers. I felt Tyler start to shake beside me.

"We're just watchin' a movie, Momma." I spoke to her calmly.

She stumbled farther into my room. "With your shirts off?!" She looked at the television screen, leaning forward and squinting. " _And_  you're watching a movie about gay people and drag queens?!"

I sat up, scowling. "What's the big deal? Uncle Paul is gay.. I thought you were fine with that stuff, Momma."

She stumbled closer to the television, tripping over my Nintendo before turning everything off. "It's time for you to go to bed." Her voice didn't sound like her own. "I  _was_  gonna come in here and give you a kiss on the cheek for the New Year, but I can see you've already got that covered!"

Tears welled in my eyes. Tyler gripped my hand.

"Laura!" Granny shouted from the doorway. "Leave those boys alone! Get out of here,  _right now_ , and go to bed. I am sick and tired of your attitude. You've acted like this all night!" Granny stomped across the floor, grabbing my mother's arm and guiding her out of my room.

I heard my mother mumble something about how she doesn't deserve any of this.

As soon as Granny shut my bedroom door, I burst into tears, hiding my face behind my hands. Tyler pulled me back down to lay on the bed and held me. He ran his fingers through my hair as I sobbed against his bare, sticky chest.

"It's gonna be okay, Josh." He whispered, before kissing the top of my head. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I had a rough time with getting sober. I had seizures, my insomnia worsened, I experienced hallucinations, migraines, I was vomiting constantly, I couldn't eat.. it was hell. But I am 100% sober now and I feel like myself again.
> 
> I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written. 5,876 words, I believe.  
> Sorry, I just got enamored into writing, again.  
> Also, I am completely astonished that this story has 1,582 hits. I'm just.. baffled. I love all of you and I hope you're okay.
> 
> Remember that you are a wonderful human being and you matter. <3


	56. Ataractic

**Ashley's POV**

 

_ January 7th, 1998 _

I got my stitches taken out on Monday but the doctor said I should take another day off from school to 'get back in the swing of things'. Meaning, becoming familiar with using both eyes again. I'm glad I had an extra day off because Monday was horrible. No matter how hard I tried to keep my right eye open, it would start watering profusely and shut itself.

When I woke up on Tuesday, my mother decided it would be best to lay down on my bed with the curtains drawn open, that the indirect light wouldn't be so harsh. She wasn't wrong but she wasn't right, either. She knows I'm stubborn. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to see now.

I got out of bed, padding my way over to the armchair by my bookshelf. I grabbed the chair by the arms, feeling each embroidered leaf stitched along the silk of the fabric against my palms, and used all my strength to yank it forward. I dropped my arms next to my side, sighing as I looked back to the window, squinting against the sun rays. I decided pushing the chair from behind would be much easier.

The sound of the wooden peg-like chair legs scraping against the old wooden floorboards echoed throughout my room, making me grit my teeth. I placed the chair directly in front of the window before shuffling back to my bookshelf and grabbing a book. I plopped down in the chair, tucking my crossed legs underneath me, keeping my gaze down on the book. It was one of the books Grampa had given to me for Christmas, The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien. I turned to the first chapter, letting my eyes drift to just the edge of the window frame. The light made my eye water instantly, threatening to close. I let out a determined sigh and began reading.

I had become so engrossed in the book, I hadn't checked the time. However, my stomach seemed to be keeping track of it since it bellowed a loud growl, diverting my attention. The alarm clock beside my bed read 2:19 PM. I closed the book, specks of dust floating in the last ray of sunshine left of the day that streamed through my window. My window.

 

 

I was looking through my window! My eye strained a little as I tried to focus on the neighbor's dog that was digging holes in the backyard. I stood up, tossing the book on my bed and ran out of my room. The harsh stomps of my feet on the staircase were softened by the socks that covered my soles. I jumped off the last step, rushing into the dining room and skidding to a stop in front of the large bay window. I pressed my nose and fingers to the glass, watching the bare branches of trees being pulled by the wind, the two old ladies that went for a walk everyday in the afternoon, the last of the dead leaves swirling in the cold January breeze.

I ran to the front door, abandoning my shoes, yanking it open and darting down the front porch. I ignored Granny yelling after me and Grampa's giggles as they stood in the open doorway. I ignored the fact that my mother hadn't notice me leave. I laid on the front lawn, the grass still slightly damp from defrosting by the early morning sun. I stared up at the sky watching the clouds shift their shapes gently as the air around me whispered the notion of an early spring. It was a nice day outside, I'm glad I was able to see it.

 

 

So here I was, sitting on the bus, by the window with my big brother beside me. Wednesday morning was just as I had imagined. A blanket of frost on the tawny tinged grass, glittering in the first blush of the morning. I tried so hard to see the sun peaking from behind the trees that littered the lawns of houses we passed. Josh kept poking my side but I ignored him, causing my brother to pull me towards him by my shoulder.

"What're you wigglin' in your seat for?" He asked, eyebrows furrowed.

"I want to see the sunrise." I scoffed, turning away from him and pressing my face to the chilly window. I fogged up the glass, wiping it clean with my gloves. I craned my neck, just able to see the budding sun washing the sky with oranges, pinks, and purples. The smile that adorned my face only widened as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Josh grabbed my hand. "Are you sure you'll be alright today? You can go to the office at any time or-- Ask for me and I'll come help you. Or just find me somewh--"

"Josh!" I ripped my hand out of his grasp and placed my gloved hands on each side of his face, talking slowly, "I will be fine."

He rolled his eyes, giving me a smirk. "Yeah, yeah. Just remember to go to the office if you can't deal with it, okay?"

I nodded as I pushed past him on the bus. "Okay, okay! I don't wanna be late!"

I dashed down the stairs of the bus, shuffling through the sea of people before I sprinted to my classroom. I was the first one there, besides Mrs. Green, who was writing on the whiteboard. At the sound of my boots dragging against the rough carpet, she turned around with a shocked expression on her face, but happy nonetheless.

"Ashley!" She smiled, popping the cap back on the marker in her hand. "It's so good to see you! Did you have a nice winter break?" Her blonde hair had grown, dusting her shoulders.

A wave of nerves rushed through me as I shuffled to my desk, keeping my head low. I nodded. "It was good."

She placed her hands in front of her, clasped together as her head tilted to the side. "Did something happen?"

I looked at the clock on the wall, hanging my backpack on my seat. 7:58 AM. Two minutes until everyone else will be crowding in the room. I shifted my gaze to hers as she walked forward. "I-- Uh. I had an accident. I'm okay, though." I pulled one of my braids to the front, wishing I had left my hair down.

She crouched down and held my hand, the act causing me to think of a million ways this could turn out. "Well," She gave me a soft smile. "You look just as beautiful as ever. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise."

The corners of my lips threatened to turn into a smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Green."

Just then, the sound of eighteen pairs of shoes stomping into the room echoed and bounced off the walls. I swallowed the lump in my throat and sat down in my seat as Mrs. Green walked to the front of the class. Zack slid into the seat next to me, out of breath but grinning as always. He shrugged off his coat and pulled something out of his backpack before hanging it off the back of his seat.

He turned to me, smiling. "Hi, Ashley."

I glanced at him, keeping my head down. "Hey, Zack."

"I got stickers!"He laid them out across my desk, leaning over towards me. "I thought we could decorate the top of our desks with 'em!"

I smiled. "Sure, that sounds cool."

He ranted about the different types of stickers he had and who should get what, where they should go, when we should get them, and which ones were his favorite. All I could do was worry about people looking at me and what they would say about my eye. There's a small scar below my eye and across my nose, my eyelid droops the tiniest bit.. but knowing the small capacity of some kid's minds, they'll most likely have something to say. And it probably won't be kind.

"Ash?" Zack was looking at me.

I shook my head, the jumble of thoughts rattling around my mind. "Huh?"

"I asked which one's are your favorite." His eyebrows knitted together with concern. "Are you okay?"

I hesitated, studying the abundance of stickers before me. "Uh-- I like the birds."

He glanced at the stickers before his gaze landed back on me, leaning forward, his stare searching my face for something. "You got your stitches out..."

It wasn't a question or a statement. More like an answer to a question he hadn't asked yet. I nodded, watching my fingers pick at a loose thread on my sweater. He collected the packages of stickers and stuffed them back in his backpack. I rested my head in my hands, leaning my elbows on the desk and staring at the patterns in the wood.

"Hey, Ash." Zack's voice sounded close. "Do you want to sit with--"

"Ashley!" His question was lost at the shrill sound of Destiny's voice. "Did you have a nice Christmas? I got lots of stuff! What'd you get?"

I got overwhelmed.

"Hey!" Zack raised his voice. I kept my head down. "I was talking!"

"And?" Destiny's tone was arrogant and smug.

"And you interrupted me." Zack shot back. "That was rude. I was talking to Ashley before you pranced over here like a deer that had too much sugar."

I couldn't help but snort as Destiny scoffed.

"You know what?!" She yelled. "You're--"

"Okay, class!" Mrs. Green cut her off. "Time to settle down! Get in your seats!"

I looked up as Destiny hastily turned around to march towards her seat. I turned to look at Zack, who had a smirk on his face and winked at me.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to sit with me at lunch." He whispered.

I smiled, nodding. "Yeah. If we get to go outside, would you wanna play at recess?"

"Of course!" He grinned.

I turned my attention to Mrs. Green, a blush on my face, swinging my feet back and forth as I anticipated the lunch bell.

 

 

Wednesday was 'hamburger day', also known as 'dry-meat-square-on-an-equally-dry-bun day'. The first downfall of the day. I grabbed one of the last strawberry milks, rushing through the lunch-line and walking into the room of rambunctious first and second graders. I heaved an anxious sigh as I moved through the crowd of the lunchroom, searching for Zack and his friends. Just as I spotted his green sweater, a hand grabbed my arm, turning me around rather roughly.

"Ashley!" Oh no. It's Destiny and her lackeys, Bridget and Lacey. "Where are you going? Aren't you sitting with us?"

"Uh, I was going to sit with Zack." I chewed on my bottom lip.

Lacey scrunched up her nose, her straight, long blonde hair falling in her face. "Ew. Why?"

"He asked m-me to." I really wish I had worn my hair down instead of letting Granny braid it into pigtails.

Destiny raised her eyebrows. "Do you like him or something?"

I shrugged. "He's my friend."

Lacey rolled her eyes before plastering a fake smile on her face. "Well, whatever. You're sitting with us."

I fell silent as Destiny grabbed my hand, pulling me along to their table. I looked back, watching Zack grow smaller and smaller before he disappeared in the sea of people. I swallowed the sour taste that rose in my throat back down as I was seated next to Bridget, Lacey and Destiny sitting across from us.

I opened my carton of milk before unwrapping my straw and taking a drink. Everyone was talking animatedly about something stupid and frivolous as I sat there, hoping no one would notice me. Maybe if I sat still enough, I would blend into the blur of their peripheral vision and they would forget I was even there. If only I could be so lucky.

"So what did you get for Christmas?!" Destiny's grin was sickening. Her mousy brown hair framing her face, the rest tucked into a bun. Her eyes were dark and squinted, as if they weren't really there, she can't really see for there's a screen in front of her eyes.

I sat my milk down on my tray. "I got a Nintendo 64 and a PlayStation that I have to share with my brother." The three of them groaned. "A television, VCR, paints, a couple Barbies--"

"You still play with Barbies?!" Lacey exclaimed in disgust, her eyes wide and bulging.

My face felt hot. "Well, y-yeah. Don't you?"

"God, no!" She laughed. "That's baby stuff."

"Totally!" Destiny snickered, moving to sit on her knees and leaning over the table. "So what else did ya get?"

I lowered my head pulling at one of my braids. "Uh-- I-I got some games, movies, and a lot of cool books."

"Books?" Bridget's eyebrows furrowed, her full face distorting into confusion. "Why would you want books for Christmas?" She chuckled.

"I really like reading." I shrugged.

"So.. you're probably, like, really smart, huh?" Lacey asked, straw still in her mouth.

"I guess?" I wanted to cry.

Destiny giggled, still leaning over the table on her elbows. She looked at Lacey with a lopsided smile on her face before turning her gaze to me, her eyes widening and eyebrows raising. "Oh my god! What happened to your eye?!"

I wanted to scream. I wanted to run out of the room. I wanted to kick, yell, and cry. But I just sat there, my mind racing, the temperature of the room feeling like it raised one hundred degrees. I scratched my forehead, looking down. "Um. I h-had an-- There was an accident."

"Oh my god!" Lacey finally removed the straw from her mouth, shoving her tray away and leaning over the table like Destiny. "I see it, now! Your right eye is like, smaller or something. Are you gonna have that scar forever?"

I felt like I was suffocating. Their faces were so close, inspecting every inch of my face, their expressions shifting at every detail they could judge. My hands started shaking, the noise of the lunchroom was deafening, they're talking to me but I can't hear their voices. A warm bubble is stuck in my throat. My tongue feels like it's floating in vinegar. I can't do this. I can't.

"I-I gotta go." I rushed out as I stood from my seat, leaving my tray behind. I pushed past the few people lingering around the tables. Shoving metal chairs out of my way, the screech of their feet resounding throughout the room, silencing any conversations and redirecting their attention on me. I ran, my wobbly legs carrying me towards the blue double doors. My clammy hands pressing against the shiny metal plates, revealing my escape.

The sound of my boots smacking against the waxed linoleum floor of the hallway echoed in my ears. A few more steps and I'll be alone. My fingers gripped the cold handle of the girl's bathroom door. I yanked it open, my feet scuffling against the dirty tile floor as the door's hinges whined, slowly closing. I clung to the edges of the porcelain sink, my breathing ragged and shallow. I retched, slumping over, my pigtails falling into the basin. Sour strawberry milk spewing from my mouth.

I met my own gaze in the mirror, it's edges rusted and chipped away. My face was cherry red, both eyes swollen and wet. I turned on the faucet, gathering cold water in my hands before scrubbing my face. I scrubbed and scrubbed, hoping I could change the image I saw in the mirror. Still, the face that looked back at me was hopeless.

I pulled out my braids and rinsed the ends of my hair in the sink. Of course I had to puke on my hair. I ran my fingers through the waves, letting my hair fall in front of my face, covering my eye. I walked out of the bathroom, refusing to look at myself in the mirror. I walked to the classroom, leaning against the wall beside the door as I waited for lunch to end. I though of Josh, how he kept asking if I could do this, the wary look on his face and the fear in his eyes. I had to do this. I had to be okay. I can get through this day.

 

 

We were allowed to go outside for recess but only for half the time. The other half we would be spending in our classrooms. I didn't quite understand why but it was pretty chilly outside and the teachers banned the basketball court because they thought it might be too slippery. So as everyone fought over the jungle gym, slides, and tire swings, I decided to sit on one of the crappy swings, away from everyone. I sat by myself, thinking about if I did my homework in class, I wouldn't have to worry about it once I got home. I could just go to bed. My mind filled with thoughts until each one began over lapping each other. It's always too loud in my head.

Until, a familiar voice broke me out of my trance, causing me to open my eyes and look up to see Zack. "There you are!" He smiled, sitting down on the swing beside me. "I thought you were gonna sit with me at lunch?"

I snorted. "Yeah, that didn't go as planned. The self centered group from hell dragged me to it's depths." I looked over at him when I heard the creaking of the rusted metal chains stop. He had his head tilted and an eyebrow raised. I giggled. "Destiny and her friends made me sit with them."

He nodded in understanding before his eyebrows furrowed. "Ya know, they don't have to make you do anythin'... you know that, right?"

I sighed, looking up at the grey sky. "It's not that simple, Zack."

"Yeah.. it is. Just tell them you don't want to be friends with them."

I scoffed, turning my gaze from the sky to Zack. "And then what? One of them hits me or they bully me for the rest of my life?"

"I won't let them." He said smugly. "They'll have to get through me first, before they ever hurt you."

My eyes started to tear up and I knew it wasn't because I looked at the sky for too long. Zack's such a good friend. "I'm sorry that I called you 'Yak-Zack' for so long. You're a good friend." I sniffed.

He shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You're a good friend, too." He smiled before it fell and confusion washed over his features. "Why did ya take your braids out? They looked good."

"Oh." I looked down at my feet, dragging through the wood chips. "It's just... easier this way. Ya know?"

He paused for a moment before grabbing my hand and intertwining his fingers with mine. "I get it." I looked up, giving him a small smile that he returned. We fell into a comfortable silence as we slowly swung back and forth.

Unfortunately, our moment of peace was interrupted by the sound of hurried footsteps and incessant giggling. "Great." I muttered. "It's the wicked witch and her flying monkeys."

Lacy, Destiny, and Bridget came to a stop in front of me and Zack, malicious grins stretched across each of their faces. "Hey, you two!" Lacy snickered. "What's goin' on?"

I looked down, letting my hair fall in front of my face. "Nothing."

Destiny stepped forward, leaning down a bit. "Sorry, what? I can't hear you."

"She said to go away." Zack raised his voice. "She doesn't want you guys here."

One of them scoffed. "Then, she should say it to our face. Instead of running away like a cry baby."

Zack stood up. "If she had to run away from you, I think that's a big enough sign that she doesn't want to be around you."

I looked up, peeking from behind my hair to see Lacy roll her eyes. "Oh, chill out. She ran away because we were talking about her stupid eye."

"Yeah." Destiny laughed. "It's not our fault she feels bad about looking like a freak."

I hung my head, letting the tears that had welled up in my eyes finally fall.

"My dad made me promise to never hit a girl." Zack stepped in front of me. "But if you three don't leave her alone and walk away, I will break that promise."

They laughed, mocking him. Anger was stirring through me, causing me to tighten my grip on the chains of the swing. I bit the inside of my cheeks, willing the courage to look up at them. Lacey locked eyes with me. "You need your little boyfriend to talk for you, Ashley? Aww, how pathetic."

I stood up, moving Zack out of the way. "Go away. Leave me and Zack alone, forever." I clenched my fists.

Lacey and Destiny shared a look before cackling. "And what will you do if we don't, freak?"

"More than your puny mind can imagine." They shared looks with each other, a confused look on their faces. "Oh, my mistake. I forgot you have the vocabulary of a four year old. Let me put it in simple terms for you," I walked forward beginning to speak slowly. "You have no idea what I could do to you, because none of you are smart enough or creative enough to think of the ways I could hurt you."

Destiny crossed her arms over her chest and scowled. "Is that a threat?"

I gasped. "Oh my goodness! You're smarter than I thought you were."

Lacey narrowed her eyes at me. "Then why don't we just tell Mrs. Green?"

"Good." I smiled. "You can tell her why I had to threaten you in the first place! Or did you forget that you started all of this?"

It took them a moment to comprehend what I was saying before Destiny scoffed, shaking her head and walking away. "C'mon, guys. This freak isn't worth our time."

As I watched them leave, Zack turned to me and grabbed my hand, grinning. "I'm proud of you."

I rolled my eyes but smiled anyway, nudging my shoulder with his. "Oh, shup."

 

 

I sat next to Zack on the bus ride home, ignoring the annoying teasing our brothers gave us. He was telling me about how he had an idea for a story and kept asking me what I thought about his ideas. I couldn't help but smile as he rambled on, I just listened. I liked listening to Zack and he listened to me. I think that's one of the biggest reasons why I like having him as a friend. We actually listen to each other. We don't lie to each other and neither of us have treated the other like they're stupid or childish.

He held my hand on the walk home from the bus stop, still talking about his story. I stopped walking, the action tugging on Zack's hand causing him to whip around. "Why'd you stop, Ash?"

I bit my bottom lip, tilting my head to the side. "Do you wanna borrow some of my books?"

"To-- To read?"

I giggled. "Of course to read, silly! What else would you do with 'em?"

He let out a nervous chuckle and squeezed my hand. "Duh. Sorry." He grinned. "Yeah, that'd be awesome, Ashley. Bring 'em to school tomorrow?"

I nodded, my grin threatening to split my face in half. "'Kay."

"Cool." He nodded before stepping closer to me. "Ya know you're not a freak, right? You're a gahzillion times prettier than those girls." I looked away, shyly, a blush creeping up my face. He tugged on my hand, "But we gotta get home or my mom will flip, so c'mon."

I giggled, letting him pull me along the slushy sidewalk. I looked ahead of us to see Tyler and Josh holding hands, as well. I smirked and rolled my eyes.

 

Wednesday didn't turn out the way I had imagined, but I'm glad it didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally past my writer's block! Sorry this chapter is shorter than I intended it to be, but *shrugs*
> 
> I love all of you and I hope you're doing okay <3
> 
> Edit: I was going to finish the next chapter and post it but I just learned that another person has died in my family. That's four people in one month. If I tried to write.. I would speed up everything and reveal the tragedy that's looming above them, but I don't want to do that to you guys. I don't know what to do now. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I want to scream. I can feel myself on the edge of relapsing. I have two more funerals to attend this month, two in the next week. Back to back. 
> 
> I'm going to distract myself with reading for.. a while before I ever post again. I'm starting with AddictWithAUnicorn's The Silver Screen Dream. Does anyone else have any recommendations?


	57. Kairosclerosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _n._  the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.
> 
>  

 

 

**Tyler's POV**

_ January 9th, 1998 _

I sat at the lunch table with Josh, Mike and Jordan, picking at my slice of pizza. Why square? Yesterday, the hamburger patty was square...

As if Mike could hear my thoughts, he picked up his under cooked slice of pizza, flapping it around in the air. "Did they even  _try_  to make pizza? Do they know how?"

Jordan bit into the sandwich his mom made him for lunch, "I heard," pieces of bread flew from his mouth. "The pizza comes in  _huge_  boxes and they jus' stick it in the oven, then cut it into slices."

Mike flapped his slice in front of Jordan's face. "But look!" He then picked up my slice.

"Hey!" I scoffed.

"My piece is almost raw," He poked it. " _And_  it's cold." He sat down his slice then sniffed and poked my slice before waving it around. "Tyler's piece is half burnt and warm!"

Josh snickered, popping a grape in his mouth. "Tragic."

Mike picked up both pieces of pizza, a slice in each hand. "It is tragic! We even have to pay for this crap!"

Josh sighed, shaking his head and pushing his tray so I could share his food. "Here we go." He whispered. I stifled a giggle, picking up Josh's fruit cup as we watched the scene unfold before us.

Jordan slammed his fists on the table. "Ya know what, Mike? You should be happy you get food at all! There are  _starving kids_... everywhere!"

"Yeah! And  _I'm_  one of them!" Mike yelled. "'Sides, you can't say anything about this, your mommy makes your food." He smirked as Jordan scowled, his eyes widening with rage.

"Oh yeah?" Jordan stood up, his hands on the table leaning forward. "At least  _I_   know how to open a carton of milk."

Mike chuckled, shaking his head before standing up, pizza slices still in each hand. Josh scooted closer to me, shielding his tray of food. "Well, at least I know how to actually eat my pizza.. unlike you." Mike glared at Jordan, who had a dumbstruck look on his face.

"What are you--" Before Jordan could finish his sentence, Mike smacked a slice of pizza on each side of Jordan's face.

Josh and I erupted into giggles as Jordan stood there, mouth agape and eyes wide. Mike sat back down with a satisfied look on his face before turning to us. "You see,  _that_  is how you know it's not really pizza. It's stuck to his face. Must be made of--"

Jordan dove over the table, knocking Mike to the floor and rubbing pizza all over his face. In the rush of Josh and I hurrying to get up, abandoning our lunch, and our laughter, it was hard to understand Mike and Jordan's shouts of frustration.

"Do you think we should get help?" Josh whispered in my ear.

I shook my head, cackling. " _No way_ , dude. This is better than the time Mike put chocolate pudding on Jordan's chair."

 

 

Eventually, Mr. Reynolds did break up the fight after he had stood by and watched how far it would actually go. I love that man. I don't know where he took Mike and Jordan or if they were sent home but when Mr. Reynolds took us into the gym for recess, he had the biggest smile on his face and zero food on his clothes.

It was a free day so I decided to teach Josh how to play basketball. He was pretty good at dribbling but actually getting the ball through the hoop was a struggle. Either way we had fun and he laughed every time he missed a shot. When he finally made a shot, the both of us cheered and jumped around the court. I've never seen him smile and laugh so much. 

We were currently sitting on the bleachers, taking a break and talking about what we're gonna do when I come over. I asked my mom this morning if I could go home with Josh after school and stay the night. She said yes but Zack had to stay home. I don't understand why that would make a difference but I decided to not question it.

When the conversation died down and I began to yawn, Josh suddenly grabbed both sides of my face, turning me to face him. I raised an eyebrow while he grinned. "Josh.. what're you doin'?"

He giggled, biting his tongue. "Make a shocked face." I furrowed my brows in confusion but dropped my jaw and widened my eyes anyway.

"Who are you?"

I burst into laughter, leaning forward and smacking my knee. "Oh my gosh! Jordan!"

"I wish we could have filmed that." Josh chuckled, wiping his eyes.

When I looked back up, Josh was wide eyed and staring straight ahead. I followed his gaze to the two girls coming towards us from the other side of the gym. I narrowed my eyes before rolling them and looking the other way. Our class is having a Valentine's Day party this Friday since Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday. Every girl has been extra annoying since the announcement. 'Specially Allison and Brooke, who were now standing directly in front of us, giggling.

Allison had her hands behind her back, blushing at Josh while he sat there, his mouth agape. Great. He's frozen. Brooke giggled and waved at me. "Hi, Tyler."

"Hi." I refused to look at her. I was mainly focusing on Josh to make sure he was still breathing. Josh and Allison have been talking to each other a lot, recently. Well, it's mostly Allison blushing and Josh freezing up, not knowing what to say. But he talks to me about her which is even more annoying.

Brooke nudged Allison's shoulder, nodding her head to Josh. Allison shook her head and cleared her throat, fidgeting with something behind her back. "Josh?" Her voice was so quiet. If Josh wasn't in the current state he's in I doubt he would've heard her.

I shook Josh's shoulder. "Josh. Come back to Earth, Jishwa."

He blinked a few times before looking at me, the same deer in the headlights look on his face. "Who? What? Who is-- Me?" He sputtered.

I smacked the back of his head then motioned to Allison. "Yes, you! Dork."

He scrunched up his face and rubbed the back of his head. "Ouch. What'd ya do that for?"

I sighed, rolling my eyes and tossing my head back. "Dear Lord! Allison, just.. do whatever you came over here to do.  _Please_."

"Right." She cleared her throat then revealed what happened to be an envelope behind her back. "Um. Josh, you know how t-the party is this Friday?"

Josh nodded dumbly.

"Well.. I w-was wondering if we could sit next to each other?" Brooke huffed and nudged Allison, again. "Oh! Yeah, I made you this card. I would have given it to you at the party but I have another one for that day, too. And I made cookies! Brooke and I were going to be best friend Valentines with each other but we thought that maybe if you guys--"

"Oh my god!" Brooke scoffed. "Allison! You're being lame." I think that was the most I've ever heard Allison talk. If only Brooke could be quiet.

Allison turned bright red as she stood in front of Josh, who was staring at the card in his hands, dumbfounded. Brooke flipped her brown hair off her shoulder and sat beside me.

"So, do you wanna sit with each other?" She blinked way too many times for a normal person.

"Uh..." I scooted closer to Josh, wary of her creepy smile and buggy eyes. "I dunno. I think Josh and I were gonna be uh, what did you call it?"

"Best friend Valentines?" Her smile fell. I felt bad but she made something sour rise in my throat.

"Yeah. That's it. Then we were gonna hang out after school so..." I nodded to myself, diverting my gaze to Josh, who still hadn't moved.

Brooke stood up and grabbed Allison's hand. "Well, then I guess we'll all sit together." She smirked.

My face paled and that sour taste came back up as they walked away.

Oh this is bad.. really bad.

 

 

The rest of the day Josh didn't say a word. He barely even focused on his schoolwork. I was really getting worried until we stepped off the school bus and began walking to his house. I realized that he spent the whole day thinking about what happened in the gym and now that it was just us, minus Zack and Ashley trailing behind us, those thoughts in his head were going to exploded out of his mouth like word vomit. I held onto the straps of my backpack, preparing myself once I heard Josh sigh.

"So.. I don't even-- I mean, Allison is a nice girl but I don't-- I-- I guess I could but I don't know how to--" He shook his head, sighing. "She was obviously embarrassed. I was-- I don't know what I was or what I am now, even. I didn't even read her card yet, Ty! I just shoved it in my backpack. And I probably made her feel bad for not even talking!" He threw his hands up before dragging them down his face. "What am I s'posed to do, Ty? Do I say--"

I stopped walking, turned to face him, putting my hands on his shoulders and locking eyes with him. "Jish. Jishwa, calm down. It's okay." He nodded, biting his bottom lip.

"What are you losers doing?" Zack scoffed as he and Ashley walked past us.

"Go away, Zack!" I yelled back at him as they continued walking without us. I turned back to Josh who looked like he was lost in his head again. I sighed. "Okay, look Jishwa. We're gonna go to your house. I'm sure your grandma has something delicious we can snack on, right?" He nodded. "Good. Then we'll go up to your room and sort all of this out, 'kay? There's nothin' to be afraid of."

"Okay." He breathed out, nodding before taking my hand and leading me to his house. I smiled to myself, holding onto his hand a little tighter. 

 

When we made it to Josh's house, Ashley was sitting on the front porch step, arms crossed against her chest and a scowl on her face. Josh let go of my hand as we approached her. I felt.. sad? I don't know but I kind of wished Ashley hadn't been waiting for us.

"You two owe me." She pointed at us. "If I had showed up without you guys, Granny would've torn your arm off and beat you to death with the bloody stump." I couldn't help but snicker, but that only seemed to make her even more angry. "You better stop or I’ll knock your teeth so far down your throat, you’ll spit ’em out in single file. C'mon, you dingbats."

She stood up and as soon as she opened the front door, Granny was standing there with her hands on her hips. "What took y'all so long?! You're slower than molasses running uphill in the winter, I swear." She shook her head, muttering to herself as she walked into the kitchen.

Ashley turned around as Josh shut the door. "Told ya." Josh rolled his eyes, kicking off his shoes as I did the same. We followed Ashley into the kitchen, where Granny was pulling a tray of cookies out of the oven, even though there were already at least two trays worth piled on a plate.

"What happened?" Josh's voice was wary.

Granny sighed, looking up at us, hesitating before she spoke quietly. "Your mother is havin' one of her fits. She's worried about Jordan because he's not talkin' anymore. Plus, those pills she's been takin' have her so zonked out..." She wiped her forehead, leaving a streak of flour behind. "Look, just take some cookies and go to your rooms. It's best you stay out of her sight, okay?"

The three of us nodded as she began dividing up the cookies on separate plates for us. "Think ya can carry up a glass of milk without spillin' it?" She eyed us for a second before shrugging and going to the fridge, pulling out the gallon of milk. She grabbed three plastic cups; one covered in stars, another with Timon and Pumbaa from the Lion King on it, and the last one was purple with a smiling cat. The three of us thanked her before we made our way upstairs. 

 

We stopped in the hallway when we heard sobbing. Ashley put her finger to her lips, walking slowly to her door before slipping into her room silently. Josh tried as hard as he could to turn his door knob and open the door without making any noise. As soon as we made it inside we both let out a sigh of relief. I stood in place, resting my head against the door while Josh slung off his backpack then sat the plate of cookies and his cup of milk on his bedside table. I studied him for a minute as I watched him stand there with a lost expression before he plopped down on his bed, laying on his back.

I padded over to him, setting my cup on the table and tossing my backpack on the floor. I joined him on his bed, my legs crossed underneath me and fiddling with my fingers. I waited for him to speak first. I don't know how much time had passed before Josh let out a sigh and sat up, looking at me with a slight frown. "I'm sorry."

I scooted closer to him, my eyebrows knitted together in worry. "For what, Josh? You didn't do anything wrong."

He hung his head, pulling at the sleeves of his sweater. "Because... my family is nuts and the whole thing with Allison and how I won't shut up about it and I'm a mess and you probably don't want to be my friend anymore and I annoy you, I know I do and you--"

I grabbed his hands. "Josh.. you don't annoy me. I will always want to be your friend, we've talked about this. We're best friends. And who cares if your family is a little crazy? My family is crazy. I think everyone's family is crazy. No one is perfect. It doesn't exist." He gave me a half smile, blinking away his tears. "And if you want me to help you with Allison, I will. No matter how annoying she is to me."

He laughed, squeezing my hands tighter. "She is kinda annoying, huh?"

"Kinda?" I laughed before shaking my head, smiling. "I know you don't think she's annoying, Jish. I think Brooke annoys me more."

He giggled, letting go of my hands and wiping his eyes. "Yeah, Brooke is... I don't think there's a way to explain it."

"Annoying, aggravating, irritating, a headache, a blister you get when you get a sunburn, pest, pain in the butt, crazy, a germ, the flu, a june bug, a--"

Josh cut me off by stuffing a cookie in my open mouth. "Eat a cookie! I get it." He giggled, biting into his own cookie. I almost choked on my cookie I was so surprised but I nodded and munched on it anyway. We ate cookies, dunking them in the milk, being content just to be with each other. At one point, my mind drifted back to Allison and how Josh is so nervous around her. I stared at my cup of milk, watching cookie crumbs drift around until they sunk to the bottom of the cup.

"Jish?" He looked up, humming his response with a cookie in his mouth. "Do you... like, like Allison?"

He coughed, sputtering bits of cookie all over the bed. He took a big drink of milk and cleared his throat. "I.. um, I don't-- I mean, I can't really--" He let out a defeated sigh. "Honestly? I just feel bad for her. I feel like I have to be nice to her because she gets so embarrassed and she's a really nice girl but--"

"But?" I raised an eyebrow, something that felt like hope swirling in my chest.

"I don't know if I can like, like anyone..." He trailed off, locking his gaze on me.

"Josh, we're nine years old. You don't have to like anyone like that. Just because girls make googly eyes at boys doesn't mean you have to be the same way." I sighed, giving him a half smile. "Do you wanna read her card?"

He chewed on his bottom lip. "Can you do it? Like, read it out loud?"

I nodded as he reached for his backpack by the side of his bed and pulling out the envelope. He breathed shakily, handing it to me. "Breathe, Jish. It's only a card."

Josh's name was written on the pink envelope in red bubble letters, a unicorn sticker held it closed on the back. I took off the sticker and stuck it to my forehead, just to make Josh laugh and calm down a bit. It worked.

I pulled out the card, studying the drawing of a rainbow heart on the front before showing Josh. "That's kinda cool. Girly, but cool." He snickered. I rolled my eyes, smiling as I opened the card. I cleared my throat and sat up straight before reading it out loud.

 

_Dear Josh,_

_I think you are really cool. It makes me smile when you are at school._  
_I like you and by like I don't know if that means love, but if you like me too, then me too._  
_But we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend._  
_My mom won't let me but we can 'like love' each other and be friends and play together._  
_I hope you a have a good Valentine's day._

_Your smile is bright,_

_Allison_

 

I was trying my hardest not to laugh but as soon as I heard Josh snicker, I looked up at him and we lost it. He was laughing so hard that his face turned red and tears formed in his eyes. "That-- That p-poor- girl! Oh my god." He sputtered through his laughter. "How-- I can't tell her-- What am I s'posed to d-do now?" He sat up shaking my shoulders but the grin on his face only grew wider.

I chuckled, placing the card on the bed and wiping the tears that had formed from my eyes. "I don't know, dude." I shook my head, still stifling my laughter. "Well, do you 'like love' her?"

"I 'like love' you." Josh wasn't laughing anymore. My head shot up. The room suddenly became quiet. His face was still red and he looked nervous. "'Cause you're m-my best friend." He sighed and dragged his hands down his face. "I mean, we could like... be each other's best friend Valentine. Ya know, cause we--"

A smile slowly spread across my face. "I 'like love' you too, Jish." He stared at me, his eyebrows raised. "And I think it's a good idea. We should be each other's best friend Valentine."

"Yeah?" He fought back a smile.

"Yeah." I grinned. "Now, we just have to break it to Allison and Brooke."

He hummed, biting on his thumbnail before he jumped slightly, grabbed a cookie and snapped his finger. "We could give them a cookie and a card that says sorry."

I stared at the cookie then back to Josh before bursting into a fit of giggles. He laughed then took a bite out of the cookie, smiling. I hid my face behind my hands. The giggles wouldn't stop. When we finally calmed down, I told him we'd think of something. The rest of the night Josh seemed to be feeling a lot better.

We played a bit of Mario Kart after we helped each other with math homework. After dinner, we took our showers and brushed our teeth then hopped into bed. Josh and I whispered to each other about anything and everything. Jordan and Mike's food fight, googly eyed girls, what kind of cookies we should make, if we should sneak downstairs to get more cookies, aliens, who would win in a fight; a giraffe or an ostrich. Josh fell asleep mumbling something about how giraffes should have armor to protect their necks.

I smiled and giggled to myself as Josh snuggled closer to me. I watched him as he slept; his mouth open slightly, snoring softly. I took in every detail of his face as if I would forget what he looked like someday. I couldn't help but marvel at the curly haired boy that nuzzled his face between my neck and shoulder. I don't care what anyone says, Josh is the greatest person in the world. I thought of his laugh, how he's so caring yet he goes through so much. 

I tried to go to sleep but my mind wouldn't stop yelling. That sour taste in my mouth came back as my dad's voice kept repeating in my head. I shouldn't like a boy. He said it's wrong. I'm not even allowed to talk about Josh when I'm home. I like Josh but I don't think it's like, like. He's my best friend.. of course we like each other. But the whole 'like love' thing made my head hurt. Is it wrong to love your best friend? I love Zack... He's my brother but he's _also_ my best friend.

 

The last thought that embedded itself in my brain before I finally fell asleep was, "I hate Valentine's Day."


	58. The Things With Feathers

 

**Josh's POV**

_ February 13th, 1998 _

I raced down the stairs, rushing into the kitchen for breakfast. Everyone was already seated at the kitchen table. Grampa was reading his paper, sipping on his coffee. Ashley was finishing her eggs, pancakes and bacon untouched. Momma was feeding Abigail, shushing her. Granny was trying to calm Jordan down, who was throwing a fit and banging his hands on the table of his highchair. I took a deep breath as I sat down and began scarfing down the breakfast that Granny had made.

"What's the rush, Bub?" Grampa chuckled.

Before I could respond with a mouth full of food, Ashley spoke up. "Today is the Valentine's Day party." Her voice was monotone, no doubt her eyes were rolling in the back of her head.

"Ah," Grampa folded his paper and sat it beside his plate before picking up his coffee. "Excited to see a girl?"

I shook my head.

He stood up, going to the coffee pot. "A boy?"

I swallowed my food. "Tyler and I are being each other's best friend Valentine. To avoid the googly eyed girls."

Grampa smirked as Ashley scoffed, nudging my shoulder. "Hope that works out for ya, Josh."

"Ma, I don't think I'll be able to take Jordan with me to Abigail's check up. He's out of control." Momma stood up, cradling Abigail.

"He's not out of control, Laura. He's just having a bad day." Granny picked him up, attempting to comfort him. He smacked his fists against her chest, wailing as he threw his head back. "Okay, okay." Granny shushed as she lowered him to the floor. He sat down, crying before he slammed his head back on the floor, kicking his legs and flailing his arms.

"See?!" Momma yelled. "I can't take him into a doctor's office like that!"

Granny knelt down beside Jordan as he curled in on himself, still screaming. "I got it, Laura! Just take Abigail to her appointment. I'll calm him and take him grocery shopping with me." Granny stroked his hair and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "It's alright, baby. You're safe."

Ashley and I sat there stunned while Momma scoffed and left the room. Jordan has thrown fits before but  _this.._ this was new. Grampa grabbed two tupperware containers filled with cookies and left the room, motioning for us to follow him. We stood from our chairs, trying our hardest not to disturb Jordan or Granny.

He stopped by the front door and handed each of us a container. "Just go on to school and enjoy your day. I'll be here when you get out of school. Everything will be okay."

Ashley and I nodded, toeing on our boots, shrugging our coats and backpacks on. Just then, Momma passed by us, coat and shoes on with Abigail bundled up in her carrier. "You two," she pointed to us. "I don't want any drama to come home to, got it?"

We nodded as she disappeared through the front door.

Grampa rolled his eyes. "Ignore her. You're both wonderful kids." Granny joined us, Jordan on her hip and staring at her face. "Exactly. I've got Jordan, he's fine." She then looked at Jordan, holding his hand. "We'll go to the grocery store and you can pick out anything you want. You can sit in the cart and line up the groceries!"

We all smiled as he nodded, his expression still blank. "Go on, kiddos." Grampa ushered us out of the door.

Ashley and I walked to the bus stop, dumbfounded. "Do you think Jordan is okay?" Ashley turned towards me, walking backwards. "I mean... up there?" She pointed to her head.

"I dunno, Ash." I shook my head. "Don't worry about it, okay?"

She nodded and turned back around, shuffling her boots in the slushy snow. I glanced at Tyler's house as we passed. I hope he comes to school today. He said he would but.. you never know.

 

 

 

As I walked into my classroom the roar of excited kids filled my ears. Instantly, I wanted to turn around and run the other way, but seeing Tyler's dimpled grin made me place the tub of cookies along with the others and rush towards him. He engulfed me in a hug before I could even take my coat and backpack off.

"I didn't think you'd come!" He murmured in my ear.

I stepped back, my eyebrows raised. "I thought you wouldn't come either!"

We both giggled as I hung my coat on the back of my chair and placed my backpack by my seat. Tyler stepped closer to me to whisper in my ear, "Brooke and Allison have been staring at me the entire time, since I got here. We need to act fast."

I nodded, not quite sure what he meant. He began moving his desk and mine to where they faced each other, while I stood there unsure of what to do. He rushed over to Mike and helped him move his desk next to ours, facing us on the side. The both of them helped Jordan move his desk to the other side of our desks, facing Mike. The three of them had proud smirks graced across their faces as they plopped down in their seats. I stood there in awe.

"Jishwa?" Tyler sang out. "You gonna sit?"

I shook my head to bring myself back to reality and nodded, sitting in my seat. "So,  _this_  was your plan?" I asked Tyler.

"Yep." He crossed his arms over his chest, a smug look on his face. "How will they be able to sit by us if it's nearly impossible?"

The four of us gave each other high fives just as Allison and Brooke approached us. Brooke was twirling a strand of her hair, pouting and making puppy dog eyes at Tyler. "I-I thought we were going to sit together, Ty?" Instantly, I was infuriated. No one calls him 'Ty' but me, not even Mike or Jordan.

Ty furrowed his eyebrows. "Nope. We never agreed that. You  _insisted_  we sat together. We never said yes."

A chorus of 'oohs' rang from Mike and Jordan. My gaze shifted to Allison as Ty and Brooke argued. Her face was bright red and she was hiding behind Brooke. I worked up the courage to tap her arm. "Allison." I whispered. "C'mere."

She slowly shifted away from Brooke and leaned down so I could whisper in her ear. "D-Did you have something f-for me? Be--c-cause I read your card an-and it was really nice. I made you a card!" I leaned down and pulled out an envelope, with her name on the front in my sloppy handwriting. When I sat back up, I didn't think her face could get any more red, I discreetly exchanged cards with her. She smiled, tucking a stray hair from her ponytail before hiding behind Brooke again.

"So you  _don't_  want to be my Valentine?" Brooke had her hands on her hips, her face flushed for an entirely different reason. "You didn't make me a card? Or-- Bring me flowers? Candy?!"

Tyler shook his head. "I told you. I'm Josh's best friend Valentine."

She huffed, grabbing Allison's hand and walked off.

A few moments of silence passed by before Mike spoke up. "Awkward..."

The four of us burst into a fit of giggles, shaking our heads. Tyler, Mike, and Jordan started a conversation that I just couldn't seem to concentrate on. I stuffed the envelope Allison gave me in my backpack while they were distracted. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings with my letter. I read it over and over again before sealing it in the envelope. Heck, I even asked Ashley for advice.

 

 

_Dear Allison,_

_I think you are a really cool person and you are very kind._  
_I like you as a friend and I hope we can stay that way._

_You have a nice smile, when you show it, and shiny hair._

_Also, I think you shouldn't let Brooke boss you around._  
_You could be friends with me. Even my friends would accept you._

 _You're too nice of a person to be pushed around like that._  
_Anytime you need to talk, you can talk to me.  
I hope you have a good Valentine's Day._

 

_Your friend,_

_Josh_

 

 

"Josh. Jish. Jishwaaa... Josh!" I snapped my head up, looking for the person saying my name. Of course it was Tyler, grinning. "What's got you so far in space, dude?"

"Sorry," I scratched the back of my neck, my face felt hot, like pins and needles were poking me a thousand times. "Some... stuff happened at home this morning."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Tyler's grin dropped.

I shook my head. "Nah, I'm more interested in all those cookies and cupcakes up there."

Everyone chuckled. "Jordan and I will go get us a feast! Be right back." Mike declared as he and Jordan slipped out of their seats and darted to the front of the classroom.

I took this opportunity to reach into my backpack and pull out Tyler's card. When I sat back up Ty was blushing and had an envelope in his hands with my name on it. We both cackled as we exchanged envelopes. Tyler bit his lip before leaning over and talking in a hushed tone. "We can't read 'em until after school, 'kay?"

"Why not?" I chuckled.

"Because! It's... a rule. Yes. A rule." He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, Ty."

 

 

 

After Jordan and Mike brought back  _way more_ than a feast, the four of us dug in and began discussing girls, surprisingly.

Jordan wiped icing off his mouth before speaking, "Okay, so what is the deal with those butterfly clips? I don't get it!"

Mike snickered. "You don't get much, do ya, Jordan?"

"Hey!" Jordan pointed a finger at Mike. " _I'm_  not the one that has a crush on Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years!"

Tyler choked on his cookie while I stifled my laughter.

"Oh yeah?" Mike sat back, a smirk on his face.

"Yeah!" Jordan threw a candy Valentine heart at him. Mike ducked to miss it.

"At least I don't use Lip Smacker!" Mike grinned.

The three of us burst into laughter while Jordan sat there, mouth agape with a cupcake in his hand. He sat his cupcake down and crossed his arms, wiping icing on his shirt. "Okay, okay laugh it up guys. I bet you two have crushes. Who is it?" He nodded to me and Tyler.

We instantly went silent. I gulped before shoving a cookie in my mouth. Mike raised an eyebrow at me, grinning. "C'mon, Josh. We shared ours and  _clearly_  you have one, judging by how fast you shoved that cookie in your mouth."

Everyone snickered as I swallowed my food. "Mary-Kate and Ashley." I mumbled.

Mike and Jordan leaned in, Mike said, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Mary-Kate and Ashley." I whispered.

"I can't hear you from over here, Jish!" Tyler giggled.

I let out a deep sigh and looked to the ceiling. "Mary-Kate and Ashley! I like Mary-Kate and Ashley. Are you happy now?"

It was quiet before the three of them started laughing. Mike bit his lip and turned to me. "Why?"

I shrugged. "My sister has some of their movies and.. I dunno. They seem nice."

They started laughing again. I cut them off by shouting at Tyler. "So who is your crush, Ty? Hm?"

He went pale, twiddling his thumbs. I felt bad immediately but then a smile crept on his face as he looked up. "Topanga from Boy Meets World."

Mike and Jordan laughed as I nodded. "Not a bad choice."

Ty looked up at me, shocked yet a smile still graced his face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah!" I leaned forward. "I love that show, too. 'Specially Feeny and Eric!"

Tyler giggled, " _Dude_ , Eric is my hero." He then leaned back, shouting as loud as he could, "Feeny! Feenay! Fee-hee-heenay!"

 We burst into laughter, the grin on my face reaching the corners of my eyes.

"Wait!" Jordan shouted. "Do you remember when Mike said he could eat all 6 feet of Bubble Tape and ended up going to the hospital 'cause it plugged up his butt?!"

"Dude!" Mike shouted. "That's private!"

"Yeah, and we're eating here!" Tyler scoffed, pointing to the mountain of sweets on our desks.

"It's still funny." Jordan huffed.

"So why don't you like Brooke, Tyler?" Mike questioned.

"She reminds me of Angelica from The Rugrats." Ty shivered, wincing.

Mike laughed. "Yeah..." He drummed his fingers on the table. "Oh! I almost forgot! My PlayStation memory card decided to just wipe itself the other day!"

Jordan snickered, Tyler groaned in sympathy, while I sat there confused. I couldn't keep my mind off the cards Tyler and I gave to each other.

"I spent  _hours_  getting to the last world in Sonic and then I would fall down a hole and that was it. Poof!" Mike leaned his elbows on the table, cradling his head in his hands.

Tyler put a hand on Mike's shoulder. "At least your brother didn't ruin your shiny Charizard card."

Mike and Jordan gasped. "He did what?!"

As they went on about the importance of currency of Pokemon cards, I slipped back into my space. I'm worried about Jordan. I'm worried about Momma driving in this weather. I'm worried about Ashley. I'm worried about everything. Why can't I just enjoy things? Why do I let my mind take over, whirring around and shouting things at me?

Just then, an announcement came over the loud speaker. "Joshua Dun, please bring your things and come to the office. Joshua Dun, please bring your things and come to the office. Thank you."

I froze. The feeling of my body going cold washing over me. Tyler shook me. "Jish! You gotta go!"

I nodded, swallowing down the sour taste in my mouth and grabbing my things. I shoved my coat on and slung my backpack over my shoulder. I looked at Tyler, "I'll talk to you later. Keep your walkie talkie on."

He nodded, worry written across his features.

 

 

 

I practically ran to the office, my boots squeaking against the floor. When I opened the office door, my mother was standing there, holding Abigail's carrier, with her makeup streaked down her cheeks, Ashley by her side. "Oh, my baby! Come on, we gotta go!" She grabbed my hand with her free one and pretty much dragged me out of the school, Ashley holding onto my other hand. After she secured Abigail in the backseat, buckled Ashley in the backseat beside Abigail and made sure I was buckled in the front seat, she got in the driver's seat. Her hands were shaking, the car keys rattling, echoing in my head.

"Momma?" She glanced at me before starting the engine. "What happened?"

She fought back a sob and shook her head, pulling out of the school parking lot.

"Momma?!" Ashley shouted. "What is going on?"

"Just--" She sobbed. "Just be quiet! We have to g-go home! It's--" She cut herself off with a gut wrenching sob.

 

 

 

That sour taste rose back up my throat as my mother sped down the road, Abigail crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short. Prepare yourselves for the next chapter.
> 
> I love all of you and thank you so much for the support you've given me. I don't deserve any of you.  
> You're all sweethearts and I wish the best for each and every one of you.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I've been wanting to put in point of views of Laura and other characters. I was wondering if all of you would get confused by it or it's just not your thing or if you'd like it? Let me know. <3


	59. The String Stretches

****

**Josh's POV**

 

_February 13th, 1998_

"Mom!" Ashley yelled over Abigail's cries. "What's happening?! You have to tell us!"

"I- I can't--" She squeezed her eyes tight, her tears bleeding with the mascara on her eyelashes. The car swerved near the ditch. She gasped when she opened her eyes, a howl of cries and half formed words symphonizing an excruciatingly orchestrated wail. I'll never forget that moment.  _That sound._

"Mom!" I screamed, trying to grab onto the wheel.

"I've got it! I got it!" She cried out, taking back control of the car. I watched her take a deep breath, grip the steering wheel tightly, as a determined look masked her face.

Abigail was still crying, I think I was the only one that noticed. I turned in my seat so I could reach her and grabbed one of her tiny hands. "It's okay, little mouse." I rubbed her soft hand with my thumb. "It's gonna be okay, Abby."

"Mom!" Ashley wouldn't stop. "What's going on? You just pulled me out of school, crying, then you got Josh and-- and you're crying! Something happened! I know it! I know th--"

"Ashley!" Momma yelled. "Something has happened and it's best you stay calm. There's nothing we can do about it. So, sit in the back and be quiet so I can drive!"

It went silent aside from Abby's whimpers and cries. I held onto her hand and looked up at Ashley. She was staring out of the window, sniffling. Momma had made her cry. I don't blame Momma though... How can anyone think, let alone drive a car, if someone is screaming at them? Just as I was turning my gaze away from her face, Ashley's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped, letting out an ear piercing shriek. She had her hands and face pressed against the window as she yelled, "Something is on fire! Someone's house! Look at the smoke!"

I let go of Abigail's hand to turn back around in my seat and look out my own window. A huge cloud of black smoke was rising into the air. Momma pulled over to the side of the road as an ambulance flew past, it's ear-piercing siren blaring and flashing lights glaring through the window. My breath got caught in my chest, the thrill of danger prickling through my skin and the stress of something bad happening like a weight in my stomach, fear gripping my throat.

Momma turned back onto the road, speeding further away from the street to our house. My entire body grew hot when I looked at her face; eyebrows knitted together in worry, tear tracks down her face, and her bottom lip quivering between her teeth. Putting everything together like one giant jigsaw puzzle, my heart rose in my throat, splashing a bitter taste in my mouth as it landed on my tongue. I tried to swallow it back down as we circled around the block, pulling onto the other end of our road. I squeezed my eyes shut, a sharp breath shuddering through my body.

Ashley's scream made me jump, biting the inside of my cheek as I held my eyes shut tight. "Josh! Oh my god, Josh!" I shook my head back and forth to the sound of her shrill voice. "Josh you have to look! That can't be it! Momma?! Please!" She choked into a sob. The sound of the firetruck's siren replacing her heart-wrenching wails. The sound was deafening. I opened my eyes and looked out of my window.

When I did, I wish I never had. I wish it was all a nightmare and I would wake up at any second. But the sobs from my mother, the echo of Ashley's screams, the cries from Abigail, and the lump forming in my throat causing tears to pool in my eyes, told me this was no dream.

That was my house. This is real. We live there. Granny, Grampa, Momma, Ashley, Jordan, Abigail, our cats, Ashley's hamster.. That's our house. That's our house! "That's our house! That's our house! That's our house! That's our house! That's our house! That's our house! That's our house! That's our house!" I didn't realize I was saying it out loud until my mom grabbed my shoulders to stop me from rocking back and forth. I hadn't noticed the car stopped. The engine was off.

"Josh." Momma placed a hand on both of my cheeks. " _Joshua_ , honey,  _look at me_."

I slowly unclenched my fists and let my shaking legs rest from where they were tucked up to my chin. I looked up at her through my blurred vision. She was talking but I couldn't hear her. She grabbed my trembling hands but I don't know why. She shook me by my shoulders and was yelling but I couldn't  _hear_ her. I felt like I didn't know how to speak.

Why did this have to happen to us?  _Why us?_  Haven't we been through enough? Where will we live? What's gonna happen to us? Was anyone inside the house?

That thought seemed to bring me back to life. I unbuckled my seat belt and rushed out of the car. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran to the firetrucks on the sidewalk. The firemen were scattered everywhere; yelling things at each other, moving fast, buzzing around the trucks, some zipping past me and running towards the house.

I watched the flames swallow up the house as a harsh crack sounded through the air, like a tree falling down. Except this was my entire world crashing down around me. Another firetruck pulled up, cutting it's siren as more firemen spilled out of it. They rushed to the back of the truck, it took two of them alone to heave the hose out of the truck and hoist it on their shoulders as they lugged it down the street. A third one to help tug the rest of the hose out of the truck.

I ignored the noise of the outside world and focused on the fire; the steam and smoke mixing together as it rose into a thick plume so high in the air that you'd snap your neck trying to see where it ended. I could hear the splitting of the wood as the roar of the fire charred it to ash.

I watched in awe and terror as the flames shot out of my bedroom window. The blaze engulfed our house, the heat alone beginning to melt the side of our next door neighbor's home. I grabbed onto the arm of the fireman that was walking past me. "Is there someone in there?!" I tugged on his sleeve, tears finally spilling from my eyes.

He turned around, opened his mouth to say something when a sudden blast resounded throughout the bitter wind. There was a distant rumbling until a thundering crack pierced the air, a heavy thump before an eruption of flames burst through every window. The flames swelled, swallowing up the building in its majestic destruction. It's gone.

Our house is gone.

"You need to get out of here, kid!" The fireman yelled over the noise.

"Is there anyone in the house?!" I screamed, desperation coating my voice.

He shook his head, a slight frown on his face. "You gotta go, kid!"

My mother grabbed my hand, pulling me away from the firetrucks and towards a group of people. I couldn't take my eyes off the house. The flames illuminated every opening of the house, it was almost inviting. I wanted to walk into the glow of the front door, letting the blaze sear my skin until I was nothing but ash.

"Joshua!" I snapped my head up to see my grandmother, holding Jordan who was screaming.

"Yes, Granny?" My voice was quiet, calm even.

"Get over here, now!" She pointed to where the rest of my family stood on the other side of the road, on the sidewalk. I strolled casually over to them, my hands in my pockets. She grabbed my arm, forcing me to look up at her. "What is the matter with you?!"

I shrugged and turned to look at the house, then locked my eyes with hers. "It's gone."

She stared at my face for a second before bursting into sobs. "Yeah, Bubby." She pulled me close to her. It's gone."

"Where's Grampa?" I asked her, my voice muffled against her coat.

"He was taken to the hospital. He'll be okay, Bubby." She ran her fingers through my hair.

"What happened to Grampa?!" Ashley yelled. "What about the cats?! Are they okay? What about Roquefort?!"

Everyone stayed silent. Ashley fell to her knees, wailing with snot running down her face. I was at her side instantly, I kneeled down and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm here, Ashley. It's okay. You're not alone. You'll be okay." She turned, hiding her face in my jacket. "You don't know that, Bubby." She's right. I have no idea if it will be okay. Who knows what has or could happen?

I shifted to sit on the sidewalk, Ashley climbing onto my lap and wrapping her arms around herself as she snuggled further into my arms. I rocked her back and forth as she cried, images of our childhood, in that home, melting into nothing in my mind.

A fireman walked over to us holding two cats. He kneeled in front of us. "Are these little guys yours?" Duchess and Berlioz.

Ashley's head shot up, instantly nodding with tears and snot still streaming down her face. "T-Thank you." She managed to whimper out. Berlioz jumped out of the man's hold and into Ashley's lap. Despite the look of agony on her face, she gave a small smile and pet the fur between his ears.

The fireman smiled sadly and placed a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to thank me. There's another one in an ambulance. He got a bit too much of smoke inhalation, but we're givin' him oxygen so he should be fine."

He. Toulouse? O'Malley?

"What happened to my father? Will he be okay?!" My mother asked. "He's gonna be okay, right?"

The fireman stood up, sighing as he wiped sweat and ash off his face. "He was taken to the emergency room, ma'am. I'm not sure but... I think he'll... manage. From what I've heard, he has some second-degree burns and a couple third-degree burns."

"Apparently, the cat that's in the ambulance is the one that woke him up." Everyone gasped. Granny put her hand over her chest. "You're kiddin'!"

The fireman chuckled, shaking his head. "No, ma'am. I am not. Your husband said, "I woke up to that damn cat hittin' me in the face and then started coughing". Granny let out a heartbroken chuckle and wiped her eyes. "We don't know the cause of the fire, yet. But Mr. McCollum is a hero." The fireman turned his attention to Ashley, who was cuddling both cats and sobbing. "Before he ran out of that burnin' house, he made sure he brought these three kitty cats with him."

I couldn't believe it. A cat is what saved my grandpa's life. I looked back at the house and watched the top floor of the house give-way. The walls collapsed, a thick cloud of black smoke billowed out of the house, rising into the grey sky.

 

 

 

Eventually, another ambulance showed up and the fire had dismantled the house to where it was a disintegrated pile of remains. Remains of our life. Our memories. The murky grey sky grew a darker shade as the sun started to set.

Granny chose to sit in the ambulance where O'Malley was, taking Jordan with her. Jordan stopped crying upon seeing O'Malley. Momma, Ashley, and Abigail sat in a second ambulance. I chose to stand near one of the firetrucks and watch.

I stood at the end of our driveway, staring at what once was our home. Toulouse, Marie, Roquefort, every family photo, video, the stupid rug in front of the doorway and the stairs. That one floorboard, that  _always_  squeaked in the hallway upstairs. The old Christmas lights that Granny refused to take down, just for Ashley. Grampa's chair where I'd help him with crossword puzzles. The feeling of the ugly shag carpet against my belly when we'd watch cartoons.

I felt a sob rattle in my chest and rise out of my throat. It hit me. It finally hit me. I dug my fingernails into the soft flesh of my palms and bit my lower lip. I squeezed my eyes shut, a pathetic attempt to stop the flow of tears. I need to talk to Tyler.

I ran to the car, the bitter wind and the sick feeling of sadness causing me to choke. My lungs and eyes burned. I couldn't breathe until I was in the passenger seat with my backpack in my hands. I pulled the walkie talkie out and pressed down on the button.

"Tyler?" I whimpered out. "Are you there?"

I released the button, impatiently waiting for him to reply. My mind became a cluttered room and I was sinking to the bottom, objects pinning me to the floor as it grew louder. It was like I was in the center of a hundred televisions and they were all on a different channel, volume turned all the way up. I started to shake, the sour taste rising in my mouth.

"Josh, are you okay?" Tyler's small voice rang out.

I lost my breath, pressing the button down immediately. "Tyler! My house burned down. It's gone!"

He laughed. "That's a good one, Jish. Seriously, why did you leave?"

I held the button down and yelled, "I am being serious! It's gone! It's gone, Tyler. Everything is gone! It's gone!" I kept repeating those two words over and over, dropping the walkie talkie in my lap. I broke down into sobs, my tears blurring my vision as I listened to Tyler's soft voice come over the walkie talkie.

"Josh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were joking... I didn't think- I'm so sorry. It's gonna be okay, alright? Is anyone hurt?" I couldn't bring myself to reply. "Josh? Josh, please answer me. It's okay. You're here. I'm here. It's okay."

I pressed the button down. "My grandpa is in the hospital." I sighed. "One of the stupid cats woke him up. Can you believe that?" I let out a laugh that turned into a sob, releasing the button.

"I'm glad he's okay. Is everyone okay?" Tyler sounded nervous.

I paused in thought, my finger on the button. No, no one is okay. Not really, anyway. This is going to change everything.

I talked to Tyler until the firetrucks started getting ready to leave. I held the button down as I talked to Momma and Ashley when they got back in the car. Abigail asleep in her car seat, I whispered, "What are we gonna do now, Momma?"

She turned around in her seat, pressing her lips into a thin line. "Granny and I discussed it.. and..."

"And?" I furrowed my brows.

She sighed, placing her head in her hands. "We're going to move into the old house... the house we lived in before we moved in with Granny and Grampa."

"But then he can get us, Momma." Ashley whimpered out.

"No." Momma looked us both in the eye before looking out of the car window. "He's still not allowed to go near you. Any of us. He's not going to get you."

"Are Granny and Grampa going to live with us?" I asked, worriedly.

"Yes. We'll have to fix up the place but.. we'll manage." Momma gave me a sad smile. "Give Tyler the address. You guys can write letters to each other and it's only three towns over."

"Yeah." I sighed. "Almost four hours away."

 

 

I gave the address to Tyler and wrote his down in my notebook. Before we said goodbye, Tyler asked if I read his card yet. I told him I hadn't. He said to wait and read it on the drive home.

I waited.

I waited until the sky was black and rain began to race each other in tiny droplets on the windows. I waited until the streetlights cast an orange glow inside the car. Until I was the only one awake and the only noise was the soft static of the radio, as it cut in and out. I opened the envelope and pulled out the card.

"Do you want me to turn on the inside light, honey?" Momma whispered.

"No." I said softly, shaking my head.

The front of the card had a stick figure drawing of a boy with the sun for a head. Next to the boy, was another boy with stars in his eyes and the moon for a head. They were sitting on a branch of a big tree, at the very top.

 

 

_Dear Josh,_

_You are the greatest best friend I could ever hope for._

_I was scared about telling you I 'like love' you, but I have decided that I love you, Jish._

_I love my brother and he's my friend. How can that be any different?_

_I love each of your two million freckles. I love your obsession with space._

_I love dancing and singing with you. The food your Granny makes._

_I love when you're happy and you laugh so hard that your eyes do that squinty squish thing._

_Your smile reminds me of sunshine. It's impossible not to be happy when you're happy._

_When I look at your face, I'm instantly happy and can't help but smile._

_Don't be afraid, don't fear to be happy. You deserve it more than anyone I know._

_And as long as you're here with me, you have nothin' to be afraid of._

_We're gonna make this dumb holiday the BEST day ever. I can't wait to go home with you after school. I'm totally going to beat you on Rainbow Road, again!_

_Your best friend forever and always,_

__Tyler_ _

 

 

 

I cried myself to sleep, the side of my head pressed against the cold glass and the card held loosely in my hands.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still alive.
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I had a hard time writing this chapter for some reason. Now that I've finished it, I feel like I'll be able to get back into the swing of things.
> 
> I'd like to thank all of you that stuck around, even with my inconsistent updates. I wouldn't have made it this far in the story without you. <3


	60. Until It Snaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back?

****

**Tyler's POV**

_ February 13th, 1998 _

I sat on my bed in a cold sweat, the walkie talkie still clutched tightly in my hands. I felt like I was spinning, like the ground was caving in and swallowing me up. I couldn't stop it.

"Tyler?" My mom knocked on my bedroom door, opening it slightly so the light from the hallway shone through the crack, illuminating my face. "Honey, are you okay? I heard--"

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, and all that came out were the sour contents of my stomach, all over my bed.

"Oh, baby." Mom rushed to my side as I broke down. The dam collapsed and everything was spilling out. I couldn't breathe. "Sweetie, what's wrong?" She sat on the edge of my bed, cradling my face as she held me tight in her arms. I couldn't respond. She hushed me, rocking me back and forth as I cried against her chest. "C'mon, baby. Let's get you cleaned up, okay? You can tell me all about it." I nodded pathetically as she picked me up and carried me to the bathroom.

She sat me on the bathroom counter, lifting my shirt over my head. I couldn't contain the sobs that wracked my body, snot running down my face and tears blurring my vision. My mom washed the vomit off of me and helped me change into a clean pair of pajamas. I never stopped crying. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. The overwhelming feeling of sadness washing over my entire body, like I was drowning in the ocean. The waves constantly beating down on me, pushing me further and further into the sea.

A quiet knock sounded on the bathroom door, Zack's head poking in the room just a few seconds after. "Ty-Ty? Are you okay?" Before I could even try to respond, he hurried towards me and wrapped his arms around me. He didn't say it would be okay. He didn't try to hush me. He just hugged me as I cried.

"Zack, why don't you go back to bed? It's late and I need to talk to your brother." Mom sadly smiled at Zack.

He pulled away and frowned, his eyebrows knitted together. "No. He's sad. He needs me." His arms were back around me in an instant.

"Okay, my babies." Mom kissed the top of our heads. "Let's go downstairs so we don't wake up your father and Maddy. Zack, take Tyler down to the living room and I'll be right there. I'm going to grab his bed sheets and blanket to put them in the wash."

Zack nodded and kissed my forehead before grabbing my hand, leading me out of the bathroom and down the stairs. "I love you, Ty-Ty." I could only weakly nod.  
  


 

I sat in my mom's lap as she rubbed my back, Zack sandwiched between us and the arm of the couch. My sobs had turned into soft whimpers and quiet sniffles. "Mommy?" That sour taste rose in the back of my throat. 

"What is it, baby?" She ran her fingers through my hair as her other hand soothed small circles on my back.

"J-Josh-- His- He..." I choked out a sob. "His house burned down an-and now he has to move and he'll be an hour away an-and I won't ever get to see h-him again or sleepover at his house or m-make him laugh or play st-stupid video games and watch funny movies or- or-- h-hug h-him--" I spoke so quickly that I had to gasp for breath.

Mom held me tighter and rocked me slowly as she kissed the side of my head, shushing me. "Okay, slow down. You have to breathe, baby."

"You'll see him again, Tyler." Zack seemed to understand my jumbled words. "I bet Mommy will take you to see him. Or--"

"You betcha." Mom cut him off. "Of course you'll see him again, Tyler. An hour isn't that far of a drive, honey. You may not see him  _everyday or every weekend_ , but you'll still see him."

"It-- It's not th-the same." I hiccuped.

"I know, baby." She hushed. "Unfortunately, it won't ever be the same.. but that means you two will grow into something different. Maybe something even better..." She trailed off before sitting me up straight to look into my eyes. "Do you know his new address?"

"Yeah, h-he gave it to me be-before we stopped talking on the walkie talk--" I gasped. "I-I mean, I--"

She let out a halfhearted chuckle as she stroked my cheek. "Honey, I know you talk to each other with the walkie talkies. It's okay."

"You promise?" I looked up at her sheepishly.

"I promise." She kissed the tip of my nose.

"D-Does Dad know?" I whimpered, fear lacing my voice.

"Nope, he doesn't need to know." She smiled.

I couldn't bring myself to smile back at her. Instead, I nuzzled my face in the crook of her neck as Zack held one of my hands.

"So, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, sweetie." She whispered. "As soon as Josh gets settled in his new house--

"Old house." I interrupted, tears pricking at my eyes again.

" _Old house_." She continued. "We'll go see him and if his mom says it's okay, you can sleepover. You can write to him everyday if you want and I'll mail them for you. If you want, I'll get you your own post office box, just for your letters."

I lifted my head up, eyes wide. "You really mean that?"

"I really do." She nodded.

I ripped my hand from Zack's and wrapped my arms around my mom's neck, holding onto her just as tightly as she held me. Zack huffed and clambered beside us as he tried to join in on the hug, wrapping one arm around Mom's neck and the other around mine. A chuckle bubbled out of me, sending Mom and Zack into a short burst of quiet giggles.

"I love you two," she planted a kiss on both of our cheeks, "so, so much."

I lifted my head and kissed her cheek. "I love you too, Mommy."

Zack kissed her other cheek, grinning. "I love you the most, Mommy."

She giggled, smiling. "How 'bout this for an idea? You two can snuggle up on the couch, I'll get extra blankets and pillows, and you can watch any movie or cartoon you want. And I'll make you two something to eat. Sound good?" Zack and I nodded eagerly, grinning from ear to ear. Mom snickered, "Okay, hop up."

We wriggled out of her lap, Zack immediately claiming the 'good cushion' while I scurried to the movie case. "What d'ya wanna watch, Zacky?" I scanned the movies, picking out which ones I thought he would choose. He brought his finger to his lips, "Hmm... you pick!"

I smirked, knowing exactly which movies to grab. I placed the VHS tapes on the coffee table, spreading them out so he could pick the first one. "A Goofy Movie, Space Jam, or Ghostbusters?"

"Ghostbusters!" He cheered, a little too loudly, raising his arms in the air with a grin so wide his cheeks touched his eyebrows.

"Okay, okay," I giggled. "You have to be more quiet, Zacky."

He placed his small chubby hands over his mouth, muffling his apologies. I simply shook my head and walked back to the TV to start the movie. When the green screen popped up, I scampered back to the couch, plopping down beside Zack. Just then, Mom entered the living room holding a mountain of blankets and pillows. "Here ya go, boys." She grinned mischievously, and dumped them on top of us, causing Zack and I to burst into giggles.

"Mom!" I laughed out, "How're we s'posed to get outta here?" My voice muffled by the pile of blankets on top of us.

"Hmm, I'm not quite sure. You might be stuck in there forever, maybe turn into a blanket monster? Maybe I should call Ghostbusters? I guess that means you won't be able to eat popcorn, huh?" She giggled quietly to herself.

Zack and I hurriedly shoved the blankets off, protesting against our inability to eat popcorn. Mom grinned, promising she'd be right back with our snack. When she disappeared into the kitchen I turned to Zack, smiling, "I love you Zacky." I laid my head on his shoulder.

Zack sighed contentedly, "I love you too, Ty-Ty." He laced his small fingers with mine as I closed my eyes.

 

I woke up laying on Zack's chest with him snoring softly beneath me. The house was pitch black aside from the red glow coming from the kitchen doorway. I sat up slowly, shaking Zack's shoulder in an attempt to wake him. He didn't stir, he would seem dead if he wasn't snoring. I stood slowly, my eyes flitting from the stairs to the doorway of the kitchen. I looked back at Zack, his chest no longer rising and falling. I placed my hand over his mouth, quick puffs of warm breath rolled off the palm of my hand until his skin was blue and cold.

I lifted my foot to step forward, the world around me seemed to speed up. I planted my feet on the floor, a loud thud resounding from underneath me. I heard crying. The harrowing cries of my mother, her heartbreaking sobs pulsating with the red light from the kitchen. I moved toward her shuddering frame, bit by bit, the floorboards fell into nothing as I walked. She was standing at the sink, her hands gripping the counter with her head hung low.

"Mommy?" I called out, my fingers gripping and tugging at my grey sweatshirt.

Her head whipped toward the sound of my voice, her eyes were a murky white, flies buzzed in and out of her mouth. "Oh, Tyler," she croaked. "You shouldn't be here."

"What are you talking about, Mommy?" I stepped forward, the tile under my feet cracking.

"No!" She shrieked. "Don't come any closer! You'll kill us both!"

I rushed to her side causing the floor by the doorway to crumble into nothingness. A black void in its place. I looked up at her face, studying her expression. I couldn't decipher it. I held onto her arm, whispering that it will be okay as she shook her head.

"Mommy? Why are you crying?" I reached up to touch her cheek, her tears were like glue as I pulled my hand back with her skin attached to mine. She screamed as it stretched, unveiling grey muscle and soft bones. I grasped her hand causing her fingers to disintegrate into ash.

"Mommy, what's happening?!" I cried out.

"Tyler," her voice was barely over a whisper as the walls around us fell into pieces, "I told you... you'll kill us both."

I looked down at my hands to see blood dripping from them, my mother's flesh stuck to my fingers. My head shot up when I heard her gasp for air. Her jaw had detached, teeth tumbling out and dissolving into powder on the floor. Her spine cracked, bending in half as her arms branched out, knocking me onto the floor.

I looked down at the floor, watching it transform into a forest floor, blood soaking the dirt as tree roots turned into veins. I watched my mother collapse, her body folded in on itself. "Run," was the last word she spoke before her head fell from her neck. I crawled over to her, shaking her, trying to wake her up. With every shake of her body the more it crumbled.

"Tyler!" My father's voice boomed from behind me.

I clambered to my feet, running into the dark woods, arms disguised as fallen branches cutting my feet with the shards of glass they carried. I ran faster with every call of my name, scenes of what looked like home movies played in the darkness beside me. My mother's haunting face staring back at me, Zack's crooked smile turning venomous. 

The scene changed. Josh and I were sitting next  to each other in the oak tree, our feet dangling from high above. He held a yellow leaf in his hands, a single droplet of water resting in the middle. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, "You're drowning it."

He glanced up at me, his eyebrows furrowed. "You can't drown something that's already dead."

"But it's not." I flipped the leaf over to reveal it's bright green underside, yellow veins running through it. "See? It only needs more sunshine."

Josh smiled, rays of light shining from his eyes. The leaf turned into a vivid shade of green until it burned up in his hands. His mouth hung open as he began to weep. "What happened?"

"Sometimes.. there can be too much light." I frowned.

As he kissed my cheek, I placed the noose around my neck. He grabbed my hand, "I don't want you to go."

I smiled at him sadly, "It's time, Josh. I have to. Don't you understand?"

He shook his head as I let go of his hand. His shrill screams echoed in my head as I fell. I never stopped falling. I reached out for a tree limb, my fingers slipping every time, cutting my hands open. I closed my eyes and the rope finally hitched. The noose loosened and I fell to the ground, my knees torn, the flesh flayed from bone. I stood on shaky legs, my father's roaring voice sending me into a state of panic. I started running again.

I ran past the point of my legs giving out, past the nauseous ache in my stomach, until I tripped and fell on a tree stump. The stump shifted before my eyes, revealing my little sister laying on the cold ground. "Maddy?!" I held her scratched face in my hands, causing her bruised neck to snap as her body fell back to the ground. I cradled her head, whispered apologies spilling from my lips.

I placed her head back on her neck, twisting until it clicked into place. I held her tiny hand in mine, blood and dirt caked under her fingernails. I observed her small frame, her legs were gnarled like vines, the flesh and muscle completely removed. The shiny black mary janes Mommy bought her for Christmas shined in the moonlight. 

As the ground shook with every step my father made, Maddy's hand shattered like a porcelain doll until it crumbled into dust. My father's hand took hold of my shoulder, dislocating it and stretching my skin. I didn't dare turn my head to look. I can't look. He'll kill me if I do.

"Tyler," his voice was like gravel, "look at what you've done. Look at me!"

His hand felt like flames licking at my face as he gripped my jaw, forcing my head to turn towards him. I cast my eyes down to his feet, doing everything in my power to avoid his eyes. He had cloven hooves, dark fur sprouting from his ankles and above.

"No." I said through gritted teeth.

He huffed out a deep breath, his nails like claws as he forced my eyes upon his face. "You will learn your place," he snarled, "or suffer. Look at what you've done to your family. You've cast shame upon all of us. You've damned yourself and everyone around you."

"No!" I protested, shaking my head back and forth as his nails carved into my face.

"Forgiveness is earned not given!" My father gripped my throat, pulling me to meet his eyes as I thrashed in his clutches. "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that he shall also reap."

The forest floor rumbled and quaked, a pit opening up beneath me. My father's mouth opened, his grave voice heavy in the air as he suspended me from my death, "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel: so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to the wicked, 'You wicked person, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade them from their ways, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood. But if you do warn the wicked person to turn from their ways and they do not do so, they will die for their sin, though you yourself will be saved."

His malicious smile was the last thing I saw before I felt myself fall into the depths for what seemed to be years. His concerned eyes were what I was met with when I woke in a pool of sweat.


	61. Retrograde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter of Laura's point of view.
> 
> My Christmas weekend is completely lacking of events so expect frequent updates!

****

**Laura's POV**

_February 14th, 1998_

  
As I turned onto our old street my heart dropped, my stomach filled with acid as my mouth turned sour. Everything looks the same. George and Anne still live in the blue ramshackled house beside us. I pulled into the driveway to see my mother standing outside her beige rinky-dink Buick Century, arm crossed over her stomach, her right hand holding a long cigarette. I shut the car off and unbuckled my seat belt, attempting to quietly get out of the car.

"Ma, what's going on?" I asked, anxious as I took the cigarette from her, taking a slow drag.

She sighed, "We're gonna have to stay at a motel until we clean this place up. It's terrifying, Laura."

I was dumbfounded. "I thought you guys cleaned everything up months ago?"

"We did." My mother looked at me dead in the eye. "He killed something in that house."

"What are you talking about?!" I shouted. Images of his face staring back at me swirled in my head, his screams ringing in my ears. "How did he get in the house?"

"He broke the kitchen window. There's glass and-- Laura, the kids can't see that house. It will ruin them." My mother held my hand as she walked me to the front porch, following a blood trail from the driveway to the front door. My tongue felt locked in place as my mouth filled with saliva. I was going to puke. My mother nodded towards the door, "Go ahead. See for yourself."

I opened the screen door, reaching for the doorknob I noticed the lock had been broken. He broke the lock so he can come back. What if he's in there right now? I began to panic, my lungs feeling as if he was crushing them in the palm of his hand. I looked around frantically. "Ma, what if he's here? Watching us?" I rushed out.

She placed a hand on my shoulder, a comforting touch. "Laura, he's not here. I promise." She pushed the door open to reveal a blood soaked carpet, a puce sigil in the middle of our living room. Axe marks littered the walls, crimson hand prints wiped across the taupe wallpaper silently asking to follow down the corridor. I stepped into the living room, my body shaking more and more the farther I walked.

I placed my hand over one of the marks the axe that I know all too well had dug into the wall. "This is a threat. He's warning us, Ma." I turned back to see that sardonic face of hers cast a doubtful glare. "You can say I'm crazy all you want, Ma. I know him, I know how he thinks and his terrible actions. I had to stay one step ahead."

I followed the sinister blood trail down the hallway, leading me into Ashley's bedroom. The pink painted walls were splashed with blood, his hand prints coating the doorknob. The body of a doe laid in the middle of the floor, it's head removed. A gut wrenching feeling overtook me as I turned around and opened the door to my bedroom. The head of the doe greeting me in front of the door. I slammed the door shut and moved down the hall into the kitchen.

Shattered glass scattered on the linoleum floor, bloody hand prints gripping the windowsill. I walked to the front door to find my mother sitting on the concrete porch step. "We need to call the police. Since you're the one who found it, you need to be the one to call. I'll take the kids to a motel." I walked past her to her car. "Call me from the gas station down the road when it's over and I'll give you the room number."

I carried Abigail in her car seat to my car, strapping her in the back beside Ashley. I went back to my mother's car to wake Jordan. He was sleeping peacefully in the back seat, a small dribble of drool on his chin. I couldn't help but smile, knowing I have all of my babies and they're all safe. That's all I want in life.

"Jordan," I unbuckled his seat belt and lightly shook his shoulder. "C'mon Bubba, it's time to wake up." He shifted in his sleep, fighting the morning light against his eyes. "Wake up, sleepyhead." I kissed his forehead making him giggle.

He balled up his tiny fists and rubbed his eyes. "Where are we, Momma?"

My heart stopped as I was a loss for words. My mother appeared beside me, "You guys are going on an adventure!" She smiled, ruffling Jordan's hair before winking at me.

"Really?!" He gasped, his eyes shining with childlike amazement.

"Yes!" I laughed. "But we have to get into Momma's car. It's our... spaceship!"

His face turned serious. "Okay, but I'm the commander this time, you're the pilot and Josh can be the copilot."

I chuckled, lifting him out of the car and placing him on my hip as I shut the car door. I turned to my mother, "Remember, call after it's over." She nodded her head and kissed mine and Jordan's cheeks.

"See you soon, Granny!" Jordan called out, successfully waking Josh and Ashley.

I buckled Jordan in the back seat beside Abigail before getting in the front seat. As I started up the car Josh yawned out, "Where are we goin', Momma?"

"On an adventure," I winked, "Jordan declared you as the copilot so you get to help me pick a place to stay-- I mean, land the ship."  
  


Josh scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Okay, Momma."

"Hey," I cut my eyes at him, "none of that pre-teen angst crap, you're too young to start that and I'm not old enough for you to talk to me like that."

He giggled. "Sorry, Momma. I'm just cranky. Can we get some breakfast?"

"Of course!" I grinned, happy to be with my babies. "What do you kids want to munch on?"

"Pancakes!" Jordan shouted.

"Yeah!" Ashley agreed.

"Let's munch on some grindage." Josh drawled out.

I sighed before I giggled, "Josh, you've got to stop quoting Pauly Shore. I think you might be losing brain cells." I teased.

He stuck his tongue out at me as he whispered 'grindage' one more time.

 

 

As we pulled into the parking lot of a small diner, Ashley voiced what I feared most. "Momma, why were we at the old house? And why aren't we staying there?"

"What do you mean, Ashley?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Granny said we can't stay there... Why?" Ashley tilted her head.

"What have I told you about playin' possum, Ashley?" I sighed. "The house needs to be cleaned before we can stay there. It's too dangerous."

I noticed Josh look into the rear view mirror at Ashley, raising his eyebrows in question. Why do kids think we can't notice that? "Hey, no silent mirror conversations." I demanded. "If you got something to say, say it now."

"Daddy broke in, didn't he?" Ashley spit.

I heaved out a deep breath, looking down at my lap as I shut the engine off. "Yes."

Ashley turned her head and pressed her nose against the window. "There's a motel across the street. I guess we can live there until you clean up Daddy's mess."

My heart sunk as tears pricked my eyes. Jordan's hand shot up as he yelled, "What's a motel?"

I sniffled, "It's a landing dock for our spaceship, Bubba." Jordan clapped his hands and smiled at me through the rear view mirror. His smile is enough. It's enough to keep going. I have to be strong for them, I can't let them see me break down. I wiped my eyes, smearing the last bits of makeup I had on, "C'mon guys, let's go eat pancakes until they have to roll us out of there."


	62. Slaughter

****

**Ashley's POV**

_February 14th, 1998_   
  


I sat on the motel floor, my back against the side of the bed as Josh braided my hair. He said I should cut it. I only cast my eyes to my feet, the rough carpet stamping an angry red mark on my legs. The sound of Momma's cell phone ringing startled us, Josh pulled on my hair causing me to yell so loudly that I woke up Abigail.

"Damn it, Ashley." Momma swore, answering her phone and walking towards the door. "Josh, calm Abigail down while I talk to Granny. I'll just be outside the door, I'll leave it cracked."

I waited by the bed until Momma walked out of the room. I took the opportunity to move while Abigail was still crying. I pressed my back against the wall, my ear only a few inches from the door.

Her voice was shaky, "What do you mean? Ma, I have all the kids!" She scoffed, "I can't just load them all up in the car and take them to a house surrounded by police cars!"

I gasped and ran back to the bed before she could see me. Momma poked her head in the door, eyeing us to see if we were near. Josh let go of Abigail's tiny hand and sat down beside me. "What's going on?" He whispered.

"Granny told Momma she needs to come back to the house. There's police cars." I felt Josh shiver. He told me that he hates police cars. Last year a cop locked Josh in the backseat of one, thinking that was safer for everyone. Except he didn't know Josh. He didn't know that Josh needed to be near Momma when Daddy would act crazy, no matter what. Josh screamed until his throat bled.

Before Josh could say anything Momma walked back into the motel room. "Alright, kiddos," she pulled on her coat, grabbing her purse, "we've gotta make a stop at the house. Pack up your things."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, "Why can't we just leave our stuff here? We're coming back, right?"

Momma laid a blanket over Abigail in her car seat so the bitter wind wouldn't nip at her face. "Kids, you never leave your stuff at a motel. Ever. Just trust me."

Trust. I hate that word.  
  
  
  


We turned down our street, parking on the side of the road behind a police car. Momma unbuckled her seat belt and turned around to face us. "I have to go talk to one of the nice policemen and I want all of you to stay in the car." I snorted. Nice policemen. Last time they had to show up one of the policemen asked Momma if she had a gun. When she showed them the handgun she kept hidden, the man told her to empty it into my father's gut next time. They'd rather my father die than come take him away again.

"Josh, you're in charge. No one is to step foot outside this car, understand?" Momma narrowed her eyes at me. "I'll be back." She got out of the car, shutting the door behind her softly as to not wake up Abigail.

"This is bullshit." I muttered under my breath.

"Ashley, you're not supposed to say that word!" Josh harshly whispered.

I rolled my eyes. "I suppose you're going to try to stop me from going inside then?" I cut my eyes at my brother, watching his facial expressions change as he thought his answer over. He needs his hair cut again, his curls fell just above his eyes.

He shrugged. "Just don't get caught."

My eyes grew wider, my mouth hanging open. "Really? You'll let me go?"

Josh chuckled, "I want to know what's goin' on in there as much as you do, sis-- Ashley."

That sour taste rose in my throat. I unbuckled my seat belt and looked over to Jordan who was sleeping peacefully, his face pressed up against Abigail's car seat. "I won't be long." I whispered to Josh. "If Jordan wakes up and starts asking where I am, tell him I went to the bathroom." Josh nodded his head before grabbing my hand.

"Go through the hole in the fence by the rosebush. I'm pretty sure the lock on your bedroom window is still broken." He gave me a small smile before I opened the door, shutting it as quickly and quietly as possible behind me. I crept along the side of the car on my hands and knees, looking around to see if anyone was around. Momma, Granny and two policemen were standing in the driveway talking. The only way to get to the rosebush is to go through the ditch.

I crouched down as I stepped in the thick mud, my sneakers soaking up the muddy water like a sponge. I held onto the grass at the top of the ditch as hard as I could, shoving off of a rock at the bottom. Even if I don't get caught, it's going to be hard explaining all the stains on my clothes. I crawled across the damp grass, keeping my body as low to the ground as possible. When I got to the hole in the fence, I stopped moving and listened to hear if they were still talking. I was met with silence.

I whipped my head around to see that no one was around me or the driveway. They must have went inside. "Well, shit," I muttered under my breath. I took this chance to crawl through the hole in the fence and run to the side of the house. I sunk to the ground beneath my window. Another policeman was standing outside smoking a cigarette, but he doesn't seem like the observant type.  _That_  makes me feel safe. I scoffed before clasping my hands over my mouth as Momma, Granny and the two policemen stepped out onto the front porch.

I kept my eyes on the car and Josh with his wide eyed stare. Momma and one of the policemen were talking about blood. The color of the stains when she first arrived, the size of her shoe, and the smell of the body. Body? My mouth filled with saliva as I swallowed down the sour taste in my throat. My legs started to shake from being cold and wet. Momma will be so mad at me if I get sick. Just before I started worrying about sitting there any longer, they walked back inside the house.  
  


****trigger warning****

 

Taking a deep breath and deciding this is the only chance I have, I stood slowly until I was on my tippy toes, pushing the window open and climbing inside. I landed on my hands with my feet in the air which would have been funny if I hadn't landed in blood. I got up on my feet, my mouth filling with that sour taste as I looked around my bedroom. There was blood everywhere. On the carpet, the walls, the door. It looked like someone had struggled to get away. My breath quickened as my eyes landed on the victim. A deer.

The body of a deer without a head laid on my bedroom floor. Time seemed to stop for me then.  
  


_Tiny feet splashing in warm gooey puddles. "Daddy?" The deer stretched out and limp in front of him. A knife sawing through the animal's chest._

_"Hi, Sissy!" His crimson tinged grin. "Come help me!"_

_Those empty brown eyes stared back at me, the deer's tongue hung limp from it's jaw._ _"Okay, sit down." He grabbed Luna from me, staining her red and tossing her aside. "I want you to hold on to this real tight, alright? I mean, real tight. Okay, Sis?"_ _I was so excited as I held onto the belt Daddy placed in my hands. He used both hands to crack my chest open. "Keep holdin' on, Sis." He used both hands to grab at my insides._

_I felt a sharp burning pain before my guts spilled out onto the floor, connected as if they were hung on a string. "Alright," Daddy grunted. "Now we're gonna take off the feet."_

_I raised an eyebrow, my nose scrunched up. "My feet?"_

_"Yep!" He moved down towards my feet, a knife in his hand. I watched as he cut around my ankle then twisted the foot off, a sharp snap filled the air like when you snap carrots in half. He did the same with the other before kneeling next to me and taking my hands._

I stumbled toward my bedroom door.

_"Okay, Sissy. Now we're gonna take off the head. I need you to be real still so I can cut around it." I did as I was told and he grabbed a different knife then began cutting my throat. "_ _You might get a bit of blood on ya." He laughed. I smiled as blood poured from my mouth. "Alrighty, now I gotta lift your head up, okay?"_

_I nodded as Daddy grabbed me by the hair of my head, lifting my head to cut around the side of my throat, working his way to the back._ _Blood spilled from my neck, pooling on the kitchen tile. Daddy tossed the knife to the side and moved so he was kneeling in front of my head._

I collapsed in the hallway.

_He grabbed my hair and yanked my head to the side, without warning. Blood was speckled on his face. I could hear the bones crack as he twisted my head from side to side before my head was turned all the way around. I closed my eyes and winced as I heard my father grunt and another crack rumbled through my body._

I pushed my mother's bedroom door all the way open.

_Daddy was holding my head up, a proud grin on his face. "Lookie there, Sissy! We did it!" I gave him a tight-lipped smile. "I'm gonna mount this one._ _Definitely_. _"_

_I heard the front door slam. Daddy didn't seem to notice and continued talking. "We've got enough meat here for at least two weeks! As long as--"_

My mother's scream cut him off.  
  
  
  


I woke up in a bed. It was dark aside from the light shining through a crack in the door. I tried to sit up but an arm draped around my frame, pulling me back down. "It's jus' me, Ash." Josh whispered, his breath hot on the side of my face.

"Where are we?" I turned over, curling into my brother as I laid my head on his chest.

"We're at the motel." He ran his fingers through my hair, lightly scratching my scalp. He's trying to make me fall back asleep. "Momma's really mad at you, you know? You scared Granny real bad."

"So it wasn't a dream?" I whispered.

"Nope. Well, Momma said you might of had one of those dreams where you're awake.. whatever that means. " Josh scoffed.

I sniffled, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I know exactly what that means."I didn't m-mean to get caught, Bubby. I tried to be careful but I just--"

Josh hushed me, kissing my forehead. "It's okay. Are you wanna tell me what you saw?"

I shook my head furiously starting to choke up. He hushed me as he rocked me back and forth. No one should have seen that. I should have listened to Momma. "I think he's coming to get me, Bubby."

Josh went still, holding my head to his chest. "I won't let him."


	63. Rack and Ruin

**Josh's POV**

_ February 28th, 1998 _

 

"You didn't count to twenty! It doesn't count!" I yelled as I ran away from Bobby, our new neighbor. Bobby lives with his mother, his dad is M.I.A, his brother pushes him to help with dealin', and his sister is never home; she's a town away, selling herself. I watched him hang out near the creek in front of my house for three days, yelling at his Game Boy, before I worked up the courage to go talk to him. I taught him how to hunt for crawdads and he taught me how to throw a mean right hook. He's really nice and funny, but a total cheater when it comes to hide n' seek.

"Yeah, it does!" He shouted as he tackled me to the ground, the fresh green grass staining our palms and knees.

I giggled as I rolled over, pushing him on the ground. "Bobby, you ain't gotta tackle me!"

He showed a toothy grin before hiding his face in his hands. "Sorry, Josh. Hide n' seek is new to me."

I sat up, brushing the remains of dead leaves from winter off of my shirt. "It's cool," I laughed. "Just don't ever tackle my sister or I'll have to kick your ass."

He cackled as I helped him up off the ground. "Whatever you say, lil' dude." He smirked before ruffling my curly hair.

"Bobby, I'm two years older than you." I chuckled in disbelief.

He pointed to his head, "Not mentally, man. Physically, yes but with the knowledge I have and the life I've lived.. I'm like six years older than you."

I shook my head, laughing as I motioned for him to follow me to the front steps of our porch. Every window and door was open in our house, trying to air out the smell of the dead animal. The police finally let us move back in after a little over a week. I guess that's how long it took to find my dad. Momma won't tell us anything. All I know about what happened is from what Ashley told me and the stains that are left behind.

"So you never asked.." I spoke over Momma and Granny's argument over what gets blood stains out the best.

Bobby cocked an eyebrow, "Ask about what?"

"Are you kidding me?" I snorted. "The blood? The stench of death?"

"Lil' dude... In the real world, asking questions can get you killed. 'Sides, it ain't nothing I haven't seen before." He focused on wiping the dirt off his pants instead of looking me in the eye.

"What d'you mean?" I asked.

He chuckled, "What did I  _just_  tell you, Josh?" He shook his head before looking towards the front door. "Broken door, blood stains, smell of death... someone died in that house, right?"

"An animal." I nodded.

"...What?" He asked, confused.

"Bobby.. what did you  _just_  say to me?" I mocked.

"Ha ha, very funny." He grinned. "Seriously, what type of animal?"

"A deer." I deadpanned. "My dad broke in and killed a deer inside our house. Blood is everywhere. We have to repaint every room. My mom and grandma are convinced they can get the blood stains out of the carpet but I'm siding with my grandpa. That carpet needs to be replaced."

It was silent for a good two minutes before Bobby shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Are you being serious?"

"Yeah. Why would I lie about that?" I tilted my head in honest confusion. "Why do you think we've been staying at the church, dude?"

"Wow... what a dickhead." Bobby stared ahead. He sat there, focusing on nothing, just staring off into space before he sighed, "Okay, I guess I'm only like.. two years older than you."

We both burst into a fit of giggles just as Grampa walked out of the garage. He looks so much better. He had third degree burns on both arms and a second degree burn on his face. He said he never got a scar from the war so now he can fib and say the one on his face is from a flamethrower. He and Jordan had a big fight over what left the scar, a scary monkey fart or flamethrower.

"Psst!" Grampa grinned. "I  _may_  have put some freeze-pops in the freezer that  _just so happens_  to be in this  _open_  garage."

Bobby and I looked at each other in excitement before jumping up and running to the garage, swerving around my grandpa. I skidded to a stop in front of the freezer, placing my hands on the lid. "One condition.." I stated as Bobby sighed, "You have to keep what I told you a secret and you have to help me with Allison's goon of a brother on Monday."

Bobby held out his hand, "Deal." We shook hands before grabbing our popsicles and running to the creek across the street, shouting a thank you and throwing a wave to my grandpa. We rolled up our jeans, kicked off our sneakers and sat on the edge of the creek, wiggling our toes in the water.

"Can I ask you a question, lil' dude?" Bobby asked before drinking the juice of his freeze-pop.

I snickered, "Mm, I don't know. I might have to kill you."

"Dude," Bobby laughed, lightly shoving my shoulder. "I just wanna know.. Is your dad abusive? Like are your parents still together and he's just batshit or what?"

I let out a loud laugh and shook my head, finishing off my freeze-pop. "My dad has beaten and tried to kill my mom, me and my little sister. He's on drugs is what Momma says. He's not allowed to see us. And... honestly, I'm glad."

It was silent for a moment as Bobby nodded in what I hoped was understanding. "Damn, man.. that's tough. I get it though. My dad hasn't been around since I was a baby. I guess that's better than having one around that's trying to kill you."

I cackled, "Yeah, I guess. I'd rather he just leave us alone. Ashley's scared that he's going to come steal her."

"Fuck that." Bobby furrowed his eyebrows, anger washing over his face. "If anyone touches that girl, they're dead. And I mean that. She doesn't deserve to be scared."

"I feel that way too." I sighed, kicking the water with my feet.

A few moments of silence passed before Bobby broke it with a sentence I was not expecting. "Hey, thanks for, ya know, being so nice and accepting me. You gotta great family, Josh. I've never had anyone accept me and welcome me into their home like your family did."

"You're welcome," I chuckled. "You don't have to thank us. You're a good dude, Bobby. No matter what your mom says."

"Thanks, man." He smiled. "You know, I never knew what it felt like to be a kid. You helped me with that. I feel like I still have some childlike innocence somewhere in this mixed up brain of mine."

I grinned and patted him on the back. "No problem, bud. Thanks for teaching me how to stand up for myself. I didn't know I had it in me and you helped me find it. Fuck Ricky and his stupid sister."

"Yeah, man!" Bobby smiled. "Those dickheads ain't got nothin' on you."

Before I could reply, Granny called out our names and ordered we come back home. We stood up, slipping back into our shoes and rolling our pant legs back down. As we hustled across the street and shuffled up the gravel driveway, Bobby pulled me aside and whispered, "Can I go eat dinner with you guys at the church? I mean, do you think the church will let me?"

"Of course, you dork!" I laughed. "The pastor is an old friend of my Granny's. If he says you can't, she'll tell him to 'shup, and let the boy eat'."

Bobby giggled, "Yeah, your Granny is feisty. I love her, man. I wish she was my grandma."

I wrapped an arm around Bobby's shoulder as we approached the front porch. "I'm sure she'd adopt you as hers."

"Pshh, yeah and then she'd have me gardening with her and shit." Bobby shook his head, smiling. "I'll just take what I can get. Her hugs and pies." I rolled my eyes as Bobby winked one of his.

 

\------

 

We've been sleeping at the church down the street since the last night at the motel. We couldn't afford to stay in the motel, plus someone got shot in the parking lot early that morning. Pastor Richard grew up with my Granny and is a friend of the family. We were lucky enough for him to offer us a place to stay until the house is ready. They're only cots but it's better than the floor. They gave my Granny full access to the kitchen and every Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday they serve dinner to anyone that needs it. Since today is Saturday, Bobby came with us to dinner.

At his house, dinner is something you scavenge and fight for. I wish he could just move in with us so he'd be safe. At dinner, Bobby whispered to me that he wanted to stay the night with me. He was scared to go back home after being with me all day. All it took was a glare from my Granny and pleading puppy dog eyes from me for Pastor Richard to cave. 

Bobby demanded he and I wash the dishes, which my Granny and Grampa thought was "mighty gentlemanly of him". I snickered, earning a nudge from Bobby. We ended up swapping horror stories about our parents and taking longer than necessary because of our water fight.

When we finally put the clean dishes away, Bobby thought it was a bright idea to sneak outside, walk to the park and hang out on the jungle gym. What he really wanted was a cigarette. I hate that he smokes. He's the same age as my sister but I promised I wouldn't tell. I still give him hell about it though.

Bobby perched up on the slide and lit his cigarette while I dumped the rainwater off the swings. I plopped down on a swing and began to kick off when he held his lit cigarette out towards me. "You want a drag?"

I shook my head, "No, Bobby. You shouldn't even be smokin' those things. They're addictive and they can kill you!"

He laughed, "Kid, being my age and being addicted to only smokes is an accomplishment. 'Sides, somethin' else will kill me before these things will."

I could only shake my head, pumping my legs back and forth. "Wait," I stopped. "What do you mean something else will kill you?"

Bobby sighed before jumping off the slide, landing right beside me. "Think about it, Josh. In the world I live in, I'm more likely to--"

Screeching tires rang out into the still night, blinding lights coming towards us. Bobby pulled me up, "Run, Josh! Get out of here! Now!"

I began to protest just as two large men and a lanky guy jumped out of the car, running towards us. I listened to him then and ran. I kept running even after I heard a man yell out Bobby's name, even after I heard screaming, after I heard car doors slam and the tires screech across the wet pavement.

 

  ------  

 

I didn't see Bobby until four days later at school with a black eye. When I asked what happened, he only replied with, "It's best that you mind your business with this one, lil' dude."

He avoided me the rest of the day.


	64. Onism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _n_. the frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange place names like other people's passwords, each representing one more thing you'll never get to see before you die-and all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, you are here.  
> 

*****Trigger Warning: mentions of self harm, murder, sexual abuse, and gore*****

 

**Ashley's POV**

_March 6th, 1998_

 

I sat at the kitchen table swirling my spoon in my bowl of cereal, half asleep at five in the morning. Grampa walked in holding a book and an empty coffee mug. "What're you doin' up, sweetie pie?" I shrugged my shoulders. He refilled his mug and sat down across from me at the table. "Can't sleep?" His voice was quiet and calm, nothing like Momma's.

I nodded. "What book are you readin'?" I asked timidly.

He placed his coffee mug down on the table and handed me the book. Firestarter by Stephen King. That woke me up. My head snapped up to see that all-knowing grin of his, "I remember reading this. I thought it burned up in the fire?"

He chuckled, "It did but I had to repurchase some of our favorites." He leaned in closer and whispered, "We'd go crazy around these people if we couldn't escape, ya know?" I giggled and nodded before getting up to rinse out my cereal bowl. A beat of silence passed before Grampa spoke again, "You alright, kid?"

I nodded, leaving the bowl in the sink because I know Momma hates it. "I like Charlie but the story is a lie."

"Well, it  _is_  fiction, sweetie pie." Grampa chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, taking my seat again. "Duh. That's not what I'm talking about. No father would go through all that just to save his daughter. It's unrealistic and it makes the story dull."

Grampa took off his glasses and hummed as he wiped them with the cloth he kept in his front shirt pocket. "Mhm, so you'd rather the father not care at all?"

"I'd rather she run away after killing her parents." I declared, stone-faced.

Grampa stilled. "Why's that?"

"Because..." I rested my elbows on the table, cradling my head in my hands. "If she really had that much power, why would she want to stick around with her parents? Would they make her stop using her abilities? What fun would that be?" I slid the book across the table towards Grampa before standing up and walking out of the kitchen.

 

I decided to take a shower before Josh got up. I didn't feel like fighting with him today. I entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I stood at the sink staring at my reflection, furrowing my eyebrows before rubbing my hands down my face. Why do I have to be stuck in this body? 

I undressed and stepped into the shower, turning the faucets just enough to where the temperature was close to scalding. After washing my hair, I scrubbed my body with a washcloth until my skin was bright red. I sat down in the tub under the stream of water after turning the cold tap slightly. It needed to be hotter.

I scrubbed and scrubbed under the searing water until I felt nothing. Then someone started banging on the door.  _Great._ I sighed before turning off the water and yelling, "Hold your horses! I'll be out in a minute!"

"You don't speak to me that way, missy!" Granny's muffled voice shouted from the other side of the door. Crap. I thought it was Josh.

I hopped out of the tub as quickly as possible, wrapping a towel around me only to remove it to see the raw patches of skin on my belly and legs. Tiny droplets of blood beaded at the surface, bruises already blooming. I whimpered as I wrapped the towel back around my body. I wish I had brought my clothes in the bathroom with me. I'm so stupid!

I turned towards the door and took a deep breath, exhaling through my nose. I have to be fast and quiet so I don't wake up Josh or Jordan. I hate having to share a room with those two mouth breathers. Luckily, when I opened the door to run to our room, no one was in sight. They must be eating breakfast. I sighed out of relief and hurried to put my clothes on, hissing as the fabric touched my skin. I can already tell this is going to be a long day.

 

\----

 

I sat on the rough concrete steps of the front porch waiting for Rebecca. She lives just down the street from us. I met her at the library; I was tucked away in a corner near a window, reading The Case of Mary Bell: A Portrait of a Child Who Murdered by Gitta Sereny. Rebecca and two boys were goofing around outside. One of the boys slammed against the window, startling me, as he pressed his face against the glass laughing. I rolled my eyes and moved from my spot, wandering around the building to find a quiet space. Not even ten minutes passed by before Rebecca was standing in front of me, staring me down. I tried so hard to focus on the book and ignore her presence, until sat in front of me on the floor.

"Hey." Her voice was rough, like she swallowed gravel.

I glanced up at her then turned my attention back to the book. She tapped her fingers against her dirty sneakers, slightly rocking back and forth. I sighed, placing the book on my lap face down. "Do you need something?" I asked.

She scoffed but a smile remained on her face. "I just wanted to say sorry for earlier. He's a dickhead."

I shrugged. "The world is full of them. I'm used to it."

She nodded. "So... What'cha readin'?" She pointed to the book on my lap. I lifted it up to show her the cover. "Murder! Cool." She grinned.

I raised an eyebrow, "It's more of an analysis of Mary Bell's psyche, but yeah 'cool'."

She leaned in, far too close for my liking. "So what'd she do? Oh! Lemme guess, she stabbed her parents to death?"

I felt uncomfortable at first with how enthusiastic she was but leaned in closer anyway. "She liked hurting little things that can't fight back."

Her eyes grew wider than the grin on her face. "Tell me more!" She smacked the palm of her hands against her thighs.

I couldn't help but feel like something is off with this girl. I like murder mysteries just as much as my grandmother does, which is why I stole it from her 'hiding spot', but this girl seemed a bit nutty. I sighed, "Mary had an unstable life; her mother was a whore, she and Mary's step-father were abusive. The first murder was the day before her eleventh birthday, May 25, 1968. She strangled a four-year-old boy named Martin Brown and left him in an abandoned house. There are still skeptics who think she was too weak to do it but the second murder proves she wasn't weak at all. Two days later, Mary and her friend Norma, broke into and destroyed a nursery. They left notes claiming responsibility for the murder but was dismissed as a prank.

"On July 31, 1968, she killed again. This time she didn't do it alone. Norma helped her strangle a three-year-old boy named Brian Howe. They left his body in a field but Mary came back, she carved the first letter of her name into his stomach with a pair of scissors. Then she-"

"Wow." The girl interrupted.

I narrowed my eyes, "I wasn't finished." She mouthed an apology and placed her hands in her lap. "She cut some of his hair off, scratched his legs up, and mutilated his penis. Only Mary was imprisoned, Norma was found not guilty. She even escaped once but they caught her three days later."

We sat in silence before the girl raised her hand with a smirk, "Can I speak now?"

I laughed, "Sure."

"So this is the weirdest way I've ever met someone, but my name's Rebecca." I was relieved that she didn't hold out her hand for me to shake.

"My name's Ashley." I smiled. 

"So.. is Mary still in prison?" Rebecca asked, eyebrows knitted together.

"Nope. She was released in 1980 and was given anonymity. She even had a daughter." I shrugged.

Rebecca shivered as if she took a bite out of some bad tasting food. "Imagine being the kid of someone like that... Ew."

I lowered my head and whispered, "Yeah..."

 

\----

 

Rebecca was rambling on about some guy she kissed last weekend as we walked the few blocks to school. My legs burned with every step I took, the fabric of my jeans rubbing against the blisters. My mind began to wander to the darkest places where I keep everything I hate. Suddenly, a memory of Rebecca holding me in my sleep when I slept over at her house one night popped in my head. Her fingers were cold on my skin, it was shocking to the warmth of my body. She was only holding me, right?

"Ashley! Hello, come back to earth." She waved her hand in front of my face. I blinked rapidly, shaking my thoughts back to the depths of my mind. "You almost walked out in front of that car. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I snapped, walking ahead of her now.

She caught up to me and grabbed my hand, stopping me from walking to the school entrance. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you so mad?" I turned my head to look at her in the eye, stone-faced, and ripped my hand from her grasp.

"Stop touching me, Becca." I shouted. Her jaw dropped and I walked away.

 

 


	65. Putrescence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, I do have a playlist on Spotify for this story.  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/creepykit/playlist/792BdS8SvNKHkTiRUOtX8A

**Ashley's POV**

 

_March 6th, 1998_

 

On the walk home I thought about what the principal, Mr. Baker, rambled on about when he kept me for half an hour after school. My grades are slipping. I sat in the ripped leather chair in front of his desk while he leaned against the front of it, his large gut bulging over his pants, "Ashley, when you first arrived here at Kennedy Public your grades were impeccable. Your reading level is astonishing for someone your age but I've noticed you're failing several courses. I've gotten several complaints from your teacher... and fellow students. Do you think you could try talking with your parents about what's bothering you or do we need to have a meeting?"

It was a threat, plain and simple. Get your grades up, shut your mouth, and keep your hands to yourself. Punch one stupid boy in the nose for grabbing my chest and  _I'm_  the one who gets in trouble. Ridiculous. Neither Becca or Josh stuck around to walk home with me today. Momma didn't even pick us up. I guess I scared Becca off... but I don't know if that was the right thing to do.

I had just passed the public library, four blocks from my house, when it started raining. Of all the days I decide to leave my jacket at home... I decided to just pick up my pace and deal with it when I heard a familiar voice calling out my name. I whipped my head around to see Bobby running towards me. He wore a toothy grin as he held up his baggy pants with one hand, the other pushing the hood of his jacket off his head. He grabbed my hand, leading me to stand under the awning that loomed over the diner. "Here," he unzipped his jacket, shrugging it off his shoulders before handing it to me, "don't want you gettin' sick. Take it."

I exchanged a look with Bobby as well as my backpack to slip on his jacket, tugging the hood tight over my head. "What about you? What if you get sick?"

He snickered, moving behind me to slide my backpack over my shoulders again. "I'll be fine, Ashley." He patted my shoulder thinking I couldn't see that eye roll of his. "So, why're you walkin' home by yourself?"

"Principal Baker wanted to threaten me with a 'family/teacher meeting'. It would be pointless. My mom would take up for me and my dad isn't around so..." I trailed off. Bobby and I stood there, shuffling our feet in an awkward silence until I couldn't stand it anymore. "Do you wanna walk me home? You can come over if you wanna? I bet Josh is there."

Bobby grinned and nodded his head cheerfully, "Yeah, cool." We walked almost a whole block in complete silence, aside from the rain pelting down on asphalt, before he blurted, "Why'd Josh ditch you? That's not like him."

I rummaged through the garbage in my brain when I remembered, "Oh crap.. I forgot it's Friday." I ran my hands down my face, hoping Rebecca has suddenly come down with food poisoning and Tyler wouldn't be allowed to come over. I don't feel like dealing with people. I want to hide in bed, that just so happens to be in a room that I share with my two brothers. I already have zero privacy, I'm really not in the mood lose anymore of it. Bobby didn't bother pressing the question any further. I really like that about him; he lets you think before you speak, there's no sudden demand for an answer.

We had passed Bobby's street and weren't very far away from my driveway when I pulled him to the side, behind a bush where no one could see us. "Okay... So, my mom's car isn't in the driveway. I didn't see Josh or his friend Tyler outside, but it's also raining. Rebecca is on my front porch though." I gulped visibly. "What should I do?"

Bobby scrunched his eyebrows making his eyes squint as he studied my face. "Why are you friends with her if you don't like her?" He whispered. "Just tell her you don't want to hang out anymore."

"It's not that simple, Bobby." I sighed. "She's... She h-has--"

"Look," he interrupted, "I'll help you. We'll deal with her and go from there, 'kay?" I nodded while Bobby reached for my hand before moving a few feet away from me. He strolled up to the front gate, turning around to wait for me, he let a small smile slip. I don't understand why Bobby is being so nice to me. He usually pesters me when he hangs out with my brother.

I opened the gate, avoiding Becca's judging smirk as she called out, "It's about time, slowpoke." Bobby pushed past me to stand in front of her, arms crossed over his chest. He stood like a shield between us without hesitation. His discomposure confused and worried me. Becca craned her neck to see around Bobby, "Is this your new guard dog?" She cackled, her yellowed crooked teeth on display.

"Why're you plopped on her porch like a shit that a blind dog took?" Bobby snapped. "Don't you think it's creepy? Wait, no, before you open that mouth just know that I don't care what you think because you're creepy as fuck and I wouldn't trust you any further than I could spit."

"Bobby, stop it." My voice quiet, afraid of the confrontation.

Rebecca laughed, "Why do you hate me so much? I haven't done anything to you."

Bobby scoffed, "See? You can tell when she's lyin' - her lips move." He moved closer to her, leaning over so his face was only a mere few inches from hers. "You didn't do anything to me but you've done some fucked up shit to people I love and care about. You will get yours, Becca. Don't worry about that."

My eyes widened as he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him up the cement steps and into the house. I squeezed his hand to stop him before he entered the living room, whispering, "What did she do Bobby? What happened?" I searched his eyes for a sign of any emotion but he avoided my gaze. 

He let go of my hand and looked me dead in the eyes, "I promised them I wouldn't tell a soul but all you need to know is to stay away from her, Ash. Please, I'm begging you." I furrowed my brows as he walked away, down the hall, probably to find Josh. I couldn't place the feeling swirling in my gut, rising in my throat, tears pricking at my eyes. I slung my backpack off and threw it down. I decided to leave Bobby's jacket on but I took off the hood.

I drifted through the house feeling as if I were floating. The only thoughts in my mind was why I had to rub my skin raw this morning, why I enjoy yet hate the pain, and why I always get myself in these predicaments with people. Maybe I'd be better off with zero friends? It's possible.  
  


\---

"How'd it go?" Granny asked from her chair, legs crossed with a crossword on her lap, cigarette between her fingers, not looking up once.

"Fine, I guess. Nobody was there but me.. he didn't even show up." Momma sighed, plopping down on the couch.

Grampa closed his book, setting it aside to grab his glass of 'liquid honey', "Well, I can't say I'm surprised, Laura."

"Especially, since he owes child support." Granny chimed in, flicking her cigarette in the ashtray and putting her crossword away. "So, what happened with getting custody?"

Momma sighed, with a small smile on her face. "I was granted sole custody since he didn't show up. I need to make up a visitation schedule and file it with the courts. I'm going to set it up to where the visits will be at a neutral place with the grandparents present."

"Laura," Granny began, pushing her glasses down on the brim of her nose. "He relinquished all of his rights by not showing up. So, whatever visitation you set up he has to go with anyway. I wouldn't have given him any visitation at all, if I were you I would have--"

"Barb!" Grampa interrupted.

"Well, look at the destruction he's left behind already! Who's to say there won't be more to come?" Granny shouted.

"Mom, I've got this!", Momma yelled, looking utterly exhausted. "It was my decision and I can't do that to the kids. They need to see their father. I'm going to set it up so if they don't want to see him, they don't have to. I'm not forcing them to spend time with him."

It went quiet. Grampa nodded as he sat his glass down on the coffee table, Granny picked her crossword puzzle back up, and Momma grabbed her purse standing back up. She walked out of the living room and began her trek down the hall to her room. I stood by the doorway, arms crossed over my chest. "So, what was all that about?" I asked, with a scowl on my face.

Momma snickered, ruffling my hair as she walked past me to take some pajamas out of her wardrobe. "We knew you were listenin'." She shrugged off her blazer and kicked off her heels, sighing as she sat on the edge of her bed. "Look, I've had a long day so I don't need an interrogation from you. Anything you wanna know, I'll tell ya."

I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking it over, before letting my arms fall to my side and padding over to her bed, crawling up and sitting beside her. "I didn't hear  _all_  of it but I know it has something to do with Daddy."

I noticed she smelled like sweet cinnamon and her fingers were cold as she grabbed my hand, speaking in a quiet voice, "Would you like for your dad to visit you sometime?"

"No." I didn't hesitate.

"Well, when you get ready I'll set everything up, okay?" She smiled and kissed the top of my head.

"That's  _it?_  That's all that happened?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Yep." She stood, shimmying out of her pantyhose. She's lying.

"What about the custody thingy?" I inquired with a tilt of my head, squinting my eyes.

Momma sighed, "Ashley... I swear-- Custody simply means that you live with me at all times, you  _do not_  live with him and  _will not_  live with him."

"...Oh." Every bad feeling I've had for weeks suddenly vanished. I felt... safer. I like that word; custody. I'll have to look more into it. After all, she  _did_  give me the simple definition. "Okay. Should I tell Josh and Jordan?"

Momma froze. "No.. I-I'll do it." She ran her hands down her face, sighing. "I should have sat all of you down and talked to each of you but--"

"But I messed that up." I finished her sentence for her.

"No!" She rushed over to me. "Honey, no. You didn't mess anything up, not at all." Momma ran her fingers through my hair, smiling down at me. "I'm kind of glad you knew first, I was worried of how you'd react."

"I'm glad, too. I didn't know where you were when I got home and when Granny said you were in court, I got worried." I mumbled out, fidgeting with my fingers.

She sat next to me wrapping an arm around me to pull me in close, "I would never just leave you like that and I'm sorry I worried you." She rested her cheek against the top of my head, "And Granny is gonna get a whoopin' from me for lettin' you worry like that." We giggled as she kissed my cheek.

"Tyler's here!" Josh's voice rang from down the hall.

Momma and I collectively sighed as we got off her bed. She patted my back and snickered, "Go greet Tyler and his mom while I get changed, I'll be out in a minute."

I skipped down the hall to be met with Bobby sitting on the couch by himself, Granny hugging Tyler's mom, Josh and Tyler talking a mile a minute with each other, and Grampa sitting in his chair with Jordan in his lap content as could be. I ambled over to Bobby, sat beside him and whispered, "I'm not sure how long they'll be talking like this. We might want to watch in case they explode from excitement."

Bobby laughed but I could tell it was halfhearted. I nudged him, "Hey, d'you wanna go play Uno instead of watching these butt-heads?" He nodded, toothy grin on full display. I took his hand, pulling him up off the couch and lead him into our room. We sat on my bed across from each other. I let him shuffle the deck since I'm complete crap at it. I hesitated before asking, "Did Josh tell you he'd introduce you to Tyler when he comes over today?" Bobby shook his head. My eyebrows furrowed, "Did he even tell you he was coming over today?" He shook his head again, dealing out our cards. My mouth twisted up before I yelled, "Josh!"

Bobby's eyes went wide, shaking his head back and forth. "Ash, don't! It's not his fault! You said something about Tyler earlier but I decided not to ask him. We just talked about school and.." He trailed off, looking away.

"And?" I pushed.

Bobby sighed, "I told him to watch out for--"

"What do you want Ashley?!" Josh was standing in the doorway, Tyler peaking from behind him holding a duffel bag. Bobby and I sat still as Josh took in the scene unfolding around him. "Oh." He lamely muttered. "I'm sorry, Bobby." Bobby shook his head and waved him off as I glared at Josh. "No really," Josh started, moving out of the way so Tyler could enter the room, which he did very shyly. "I should have told you that Tyler was coming over and spending the night. I wasn't thinking."

"Dude, it's no big deal." Bobby laughed. "I gotta get going anyway." He placed the cards back into the box and stood from my bed. "Gotta go get supper for tonight." Before he rushed out of the room, Bobby leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Be careful." Then he was gone. Josh didn't go after him, call out his name, nothin'. He slumped down on his bed and placed his head in his hands.

"You're an idiot, Josh." I ran out of our room and into the living room to find that Bobby was gone and the front door was shut. My shoulders drooped as a breath I didn't know I had been holding rushed out of me.

Grampa looked up from the TV, Jordan now on the floor coloring furiously, and turned the volume down. "What happened? Bobby sure left in a hurry..." Grampa patted the spot beside him on the couch. I sat down and hung my head between my knees. He rubbed my back and waited. He always waits for me to talk.

I raised back up, "Can I use the phone?"  
  


\---

That's how I ended up at Rebecca's house, sitting on her bed across from her, listening to all the rap and hip hop CD's she stole from her brother. I asked her if I could stay with her for the weekend since my bedroom was going to be infested with yet another boy. She laughed and said, "Well, duh." The walk to her house was less than two blocks and it wasn't even six o'clock yet, so Momma let me go.  
  


As usual, Rebecca was sitting on her front porch waiting. She always waited. Before we even went through the front door we could hear her uncle and grandma arguing with each other. We decided it would be best to get in through her bedroom window. Thanks to us, the crates we had stacked up beneath her window helped us crawl through without falling on our faces. She turned a lamp on and a few roaches scattered up the wall to a darker place. I pushed down the urge to run out of the room and sat down on her bed instead.

She was pulling off her boots when she asked, "So, your brother's kind of a dick, huh?"

"No, he's just stupid when it comes to communication." I shook my head. She giggled. "Did your grandma win anything yet?" I nodded to the stacks of lottery tickets that have now flooded into Becca's room as well.

She scoffed, "Course not. She never wins anything more than a couple more bucks to buy more tickets. At least she's going to bingo tonight, she always wins at least fifteen dollars. Maybe she'll bring back some food." Rebecca's family never cooked in their home, unless her mother was home who preferred to be drunk and high as much as possible. Then, the kitchen was always a mess and Rebecca usually stayed over at my house.

"Has your brother shown up?" I asked, timidly. He had been gone for a few days but Becca always said that it was normal for him to be gone for periods of time. She shook her head but held up three CD's she pulled from her backpack. "Hey, what's up with you and Bobby?" I dared to place a finger on that subject. "I don't get--"

"Can we talk about that later?" Becca snapped. "It's just- I-I don't want to talk right now. They're yelling in there and I can't think. Let's just listen to music, yeah?" She hopped onto her bed after pressing play on her boombox. We just sat there. Listening to the entire album as we made fun of her uncle's accent and made jokes about running away to live at the park. We could share the tunnel that connects to the slide.  
  


Later that night, after gobbling down a celebratory pizza from her grandma's bingo winnings, we laid in her bed with the full moon illuminating her bedroom. "Hey, Smashley?" She whispered. "About Bobby... I- I was friends with his cousin for like a week.. and we had a fight."

"That's it?" I found myself asking that same question twice that night.

"Yeah. I mean, we had kissed but--"

"What?" I cut her off, harshly whispering. "What is with you kissing everyone? I don't get it. Boys are dumb."

She giggled lightly before it fell into an uncomfortable silence. Rebecca broke that silence with a sentence I wish I could have shoved back into her mouth. "It's normal. Everyone kisses me."

I turned my head to look at her, the moonlight shining in her brown eyes, revealing the tears that lay beneath them. "What do you mean by everyone?" Her hand searched for mine before I squeezed it, hoping it would give her the courage to speak up. She just shook her head and scooted closer to me. I didn't care when she hugged me in the middle of the night and in the morning I told her she can stay at my house anytime she wants to, not just when she needs to.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I'm getting back into the swing of things now.


	66. A Saccharine Smile

****

**Josh's POV**

_ March 7th, 1998 _

 

I sat on my bed with my head in my hands, Ashley's words repeating over and over in my head, "You're an idiot, Josh." I messed up. In more ways than one. Tyler was so innocent before he met me. I'll ruin him. My life is such a mess. I don't see how we could stay best friends forever... Bobby and I have more in common, he understands what I've been through and I completely ditched him. I just ignored him like he wasn't even there. Of course I love Tyler, he's my best friend, I just... I'm lost. I don't know what to do.

"Josh? Josh... Jiiishwaaa?"

"Josh!" Suddenly I was being shaken by Tyler's hands on my shoulders. "Are you okay? You kind of spaced out for a bit."

I cleared my throat and rubbed my eyes, hoping to wipe away any tears that threatened to spill, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just..."

Tyler sat on the floor in front of me, legs crossed and hands in his lap, waiting for me to come back down to earth. "So... Who was that?"

"That's Bobby. He's a friend." I muttered lowly.

He started biting his thumbnail. "Why'd he run out like that?" He tilted his head and for some reason my breath caught in my chest. Maybe it's because I haven't seen him in so long? He's the definition of innocence. Cherub-like features. What girls would call 'cute' or 'adorable'. He waved his hand in front of my face to grab my attention, "Why does he have to get dinner? Shouldn't his parents be making it?"

Oh, dear God. "Bobby doesn't.. have parents like ours. Also, I might have forgot to tell him that you were coming over." I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see if he would judge me.

"Oh."

Oh? That's it? "Yeah... I should have told him. I made him feel left out."

Tyler rested his chin on his right hand after nodding in agreement. "Why don't we just call him and ask if he wants to hang out?"

I scratched the back of my head, "He doesn't have a phone." Tyler looked dumbfounded. "I mean he's not allowed to use the phone. No one is supposed to call him." I've said too much.

Tyler raised one eyebrow and resumed chewing on his thumbnail. "That's weird. So, his parents are like.. super strict or something?"

I nodded my head fervously, "Yep! That's it. Stricter than your parents."

His eyes went wide, "Wow. Poor kid." He unzipped his duffel bag and began rummaging through it. "How old is he anyway?"

"He's eight, in the same grade as Ashley." I slid off my bed and sat beside Tyler. He pulled out his Nintendo 64, controllers, and some games. "Ty... I don't have a TV anymore. It burned in the fire."

"I know, I thought Grampa would let us use the TV in the living room."

I laughed, "It's not up to him; Granny controls the TV now. Every damn night she watches Law & Order."

Tyler gasped.

"What?"

"I just...," Tyler whispered. "You said  _damn_. I've never heard you curse before."

"I'm sorry." I laughed softly.

He shrugged his shoulders and tossed me a fruit roll up. "D'ya wanna go outside before it gets dark?"

A smile crept onto my face. "Yeah, I'll show you my hiding spot. Y'know, like the tree we climbed?" I stood up reaching for Tyler's hand to help him up. He had a smirk on his face, his brown eyes seemed to be smiling.

"No offense, Josh, but nothing can top our tree." He walked past me and out of my room, leaving me awestruck like a stupid googly eyed girl. He said it was 'our tree'. He could have said  _the_  tree, oak tree, or the tree at the park but instead he declared it  _ours_. Suddenly, he was standing in front of me waving his hands in front of my face, wearing a smile that almost stretched to the corners of his eyes. "Jish? Come back to earth."

I closed my eyes and shook my head out of my daze. "Let's go ask Granny if we can use the TV later." I tried to change the subject in my head. I followed Tyler down the hall, stopping beside Granny who sat in her chair, filing her nails. I kneaded my toes in the new plushy carpet, waiting for her to notice me.

She peered over the top of her glasses, "May I help you?"

"Uh," I bit my lip, hoping she would say yes. "Can w-we use the TV later? To play video games?"

She stopped filing her nails. "Did you get all your homework done?" I nodded. "All your chores for this weekend?" I nodded. "Then, I don't see why not. It'll be after dinner... After my show is over. There's a new episode and I'm not missin' it. You can stay up late." She smiled and sat her nail file down, standing up to go to the kitchen.

"Thank you, Granny. We're gonna go outside!" I called out to her as we raced to the front door. Tyler followed me down the front porch steps and into the yard, my bare feet squishing into the soft and soggy earth. I opened the gate to the back yard, closing it once we passed through. I motioned for Tyler to follow me, heading to the fence.

"How come you didn't wear shoes?" Tyler asked, gesturing to my dirty feet.

"We're not going far. 'Sides, snakes aren't out yet." I shrugged.

"Snakes?" Tyler's eyebrows raised. "Is it safe where we're going?"

"'Course!" I smiled at him. "I won't let anything happen to you, Ty."

I grabbed the top bar, hooking my toes through the holes of the chain link fence and pulling myself up and over. Tyler's eyes widened, grasping the top bar. "You can do it. Just stick the front of your shoes through those holes and push yourself up... Or pull if it's easier." I grabbed his arm as Tyler pulled himself up, throwing his leg over the other side of the fence, helping him hop down. I'm a little taller than him now.

"See?" I laughed lightly. "Easy peasy."

He chuckled, "Yeah. Easy peasy. So.. are we allowed to go past your yard?"

Our jeans brushed against the tall grass we marched through. "It's not a big deal. They'd rather I go here than run around with- with some other kids."

"Like Bobby?" Tyler asked.

I stopped in my tracks, my breath catching in my throat. "Y-yeah. Well, I mean, no.. not Bobby." I continued walking, Tyler following. "Bobby's cool. My grandparents love him and so does my mom, but--", I sighed. "There are some things about Bobby's life that I'm not allowed to be involved in."

"Oh." Tyler nodded. "I get it."

We walked farther into the field in silence, coming up on a metal door on top of a mound of dirt. I yanked on the handle, the rusted metal shrieking as it opened. "This is it." I smiled, waiting for Tyler's reaction. The corners of his mouth hesitated to pull upwards.

"W-what is it?" A wary smile formed on his face.

"It's a tornado shelter." I sighed. "Whoever owns it just... left it. I don't think the owner of this ranch even uses it."

"We're on a ranch?" Tyler furrowed his eyebrows, looking around.

I chuckled, "Yeah." I pointed to the herd of cows grazing far away from us. "See? There's horses too. Sometimes they come up to our fence and we get to feed them grass."

"That's cool." Tyler smiled.

"Let's go in." I stood on the first step, holding my hand out to Tyler. He hesitated, his hands lightly shaking. "Are you scared?"

"...A little." Tyler confessed, face turning red. "It's really dark in there."

"I won't let anything happen to you, Ty. Just... Think of it as your basement. There's a lantern in there, too." I smiled, holding out my hand for him to take. He nervously looked at my hand but he didn't move. "Hold on, I'll go get it."

Tyler nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. I walked down the stairs into the shelter, my bare feet shuffling along the cold cement floor. I felt around the shelves for the lantern, my fingers brushing against cans of beans and soup, finally grabbing the lantern and turning it on. Electricity is so helpful.

"Josh?" Tyler called out. "Are you okay?"

I walked back to the stairwell, lantern illuminating the grin on my face. "C'mon, Ty! It's safe. I promise."

Tyler took a deep breath and descended down the stairs, stopping at the bottom. He looked around from what he could see thanks to the lantern and the daylight streaming from the open door. I handed him the lantern, nudging him farther into the shelter. "Go ahead and look around, Ty."

"A-are you sure?" His eyes cast downward.

I nodded. "I'll be right beside you."

He took his first step into the darkness, the light from the lantern revealing a shelf full of canned goods and preserves. An old couch was nestled in the corner, blankets folded and piled on a cushion. A radio sat on the floor beside a metal chair, board games stacked on the seat.

Tyler snickered. "Josh... No offense but this is totally not cooler than our tree."

I snorted, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "It seems lame  _now_  but think of the possibilities! We could fix it up and make it a secret hideout."

He turned towards me, a smirk on his face. "Between you and me, it will take a long time to make this a proper secret hideout."

"Yeah but we have all the time in the world, dude." I smiled despite Tyler's doubts.

He sighed, a smile creeping on his face. "Okay." He held out his pinky which I immediately latched with mine. "We totally need a secret handshake, dude. Pinky swears are important but a secret handshake is like... nessecary."

I nodded in agreement, grinning.

 

After dinner Tyler and I washed the dishes, I washed and he dried. We got in trouble for blowing soap bubbles in the air but our punishment was dismissed as Granny zoned out watching her TV show. We made our pallets on the living room floor, smoothing out our sleeping bags, throwing our pillows and blankets on top.

We played Mario Kart until midnight, the candy Tyler brought devoured and our energy depleting followed by yawns and sleepy eyes. We snuggled into our makeshift beds, rolling on our sides to face each other. Tyler had a sleepy grin on his face, his head laying on his hands.

I smiled, yawning for the hundereth time. "I had a lot of fun today, Ty."

"Me too, Jishwa." Tyler said through a yawn.

I laughed bringing a giggle out of Tyler. He shifted to lay on his back, Berlioz immediately jumping onto his stomach to curl up and sleep. Tyler pet him gently, Berlioz nuzzling his head into the touch. "Everyone misses you, Josh."

"I miss them, too." Honestly, the only person I missed was Tyler. Even though he's laying right bedside me, I still miss him because he'll be gone tomorrow. Who knows when he can come back over? "I-I missed y-you the most." I whispered but he had already fallen asleep. I turned onto my back, staring at the popcorn ceiling, an ache forming in my chest. Sleep couldn't come fast enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update! Life has been pretty hectic but I'm doing okay. I hope all of you are doing well. <3


	67. Sinister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning for vomiting***

****

 

******** **Tyler's POV**

 

 

_March 8th, 1998_

 

I woke up with the smell of strawberry shampoo and Josh's warm breath fanning across my face. We seemed to drift towards each other in the middle of the night and now he was cuddled up to me with his arm draped across my waist. Which wouldn't have been a problem if I didn't have the uncomfortable urge to pee. I attempted to wriggle out of his grasp, failing miserably as his grip tightened around my middle. I stifled a giggle and whispered, shaking him lightly, "Josh. I have to pee. Let me go."

He shifted awake, slowly, the early morning light shining through the window and cascading across his sleepy face. He smiled as his eyes opened, the kind of smile that could be a smirk if you didn't catch it in time. "What time is it?" He yawned.

"Time for me to pee." I snickered, shoving his arm off of me only for Josh to throw it back around my body.

"Nope," I could hear the smile in his voice. "Sleepy time."

"Josh, I  _will_  pee on you!" I harshly whispered, laughter lacing my voice. He sighed, begrudgingly moved his arm, allowing me to stand up.

"Hurry. I miss you." He whispered into the quiet of the house.

I giggled, "You're silly, Jish." I shook my head, a smile on my face as I crept down the hall to the bathroom. As I stood there, in front of the toilet, I took in my surroundings; the plum color of the walls, old pink hand towels with lace trim (the kind you would get in trouble for using), how many toothbrushes they had, and finally the pills. While washing my hands I couldn't help but notice every single one of them had Josh's mom's name on them. I dried my hands on the ancient pink hand towel and grabbed a couple of the bottles, the names too long and complicated to sound out. Seven bottles total, almost all of them for pain, as needed.

A soft knock on the door startled me, causing the two bottles in my hand to tumble into the sink basin. I hurriedly put them back and opened the bathroom door. Josh was standing there, hair a curly mess with tired eyes. "My turn." He snickered, ushering me out of the room.

Waiting in the hallway for Josh seemed like the most logical thing to do at the time. I fumbled with my fingers, scanning the walls of the hallway, noting there weren't any photos. The weight of sadness washed over me when I remembered just how much Josh and his family had lost in the fire. In a blink of an eye. When Josh came out of the bathroom he didn't seem startled by the fact I was waiting for him, it was as if he was expecting it. He yawned and I grabbed his hand, leading him back to our makeshift bed in the living room, sitting beside each other.

"So," he started, "What now?"

I shrugged, "M'not really tired. Are you?"

He shook his head but I knew he was lying. He was yawning too much and he looked like he could fall back asleep at any moment. That wouldn't be happening though because as my eyes trailed over to the window, I caught sight of a figure standing on the front porch, their hands cupped around their face as they peered into the room. All the air escaped my lungs and my body felt as if it caught fire. I couldn't move.

"Tyler?" Josh's voice sounded so far away. Like he was whispering from the bottom of a well.

I was frozen in fear. I tried to speak but the words wouldn't leave my mouth. I sat there, motionless, gaping like a fish while Josh began panicking. Just as I was about to raise my hand to point, a soft tap on the window caused Josh's head to turn slowly in the direction it came from. He didn't seem frightened at all. I don't know if I was expecting him to jump or scream but I wasn't expecting him to just calmly hold my hand.

"J-Josh?" My voice cracked. "You-- You see it too, right?"

He nodded. "That's my dad."

If what I was feeling ten seconds ago was fear then sheer and utter terror must have been flowing through my body by now. I remember the stories about his dad. The late night talks over walkie-talkies when Josh would have a nightmare about his dad. I remember Josh showing me the scars from his dad. Never did I _ever_  think that I would  _ever_  meet his dad, let alone see him.

"I gotta go get my mom, Ty." Josh whispered, letting go of my hand only for me to lace our fingers back together in an instant. I flinched when his dad tapped on the glass two more times. "D'you wanna go with me?"

I nodded, my mouth seeming to be sealed shut. We stood slowly, backing into the hallway and never taking our eyes off the window. We broke into a sprint when Josh's dad began pounding his fist on the window, shouting.

Josh's mother was sleeping soundly. She looked so calm and at peace, two feelings I was far from at the moment. Josh shook her arm urgently, whispering as to not wake Abigail, who was sleeping in the crib next to his mother's small bed. She woke suddenly, sitting upright with wide eyes as if she was frightened. "What? What's wrong, Josh?" She asked urgently.

He hesitated, chewing on his bottom lip and avoiding her eyes as he whispered, "Dad is outside."

Her face shifted from concern to fury in less than a second. It was obvious she was trying to remain calm but every part of her radiated anger. She stood from the bed, grabbing a baseball bat from the corner of the room, and motioning for us to stay put. Of course, we didn't listen and the moment she disappeared from the hallway, we were following her silently.

Josh and I crouched down, peeking around the corner into the living room to see his dad burst through the door, pushing past Laura, almost knocking her down. He frantically paced around the room before he demanded to use the phone. Laura pointed to the end table where the phone sat, standing by the door, bat clutched in her hand. The sound of a dial tone was deafening compared to the eerie quiet of the house. Josh's dad began muttering to himself as he dialed a number.

"How did you get here?  _Why_  are you here?" Laura asked, her voice a harsh whisper. "Who's car is that in the driveway?"

He shushed her before yelling into the phone to whoever 'Seth' was. "Did he make it back?! ... Yes, I have it! ... Tell him not to leave!" He slammed the phone back onto the reciever.

Laura stepped forward, shifting the bat into her other hand as she spoke lowly. "Lower your voice."

"Shut your fucking mouth!" He yelled, successfully waking Abigail. Between her cries and their shouting, Josh and I didn't hear Granny and Grampa walk past us and into the living room.

"Laura? What in the hell is he doing in my house at five in the morning?" Granny demanded, a hand on her hip and the other pointing at Josh's dad.

"None of your goddamn business!" He bellowed before picking the phone back up and dialing another number. I've never been more scared in my life. I had no idea what to do. Was he going to hurt us?

Grampa sighed, running a hand down his face. "I'll go make coffee."

Ashley's voice startled all of us. "What's going on?" She stepped farther into the living room, stopping suddenly once she saw their dad. "D-Daddy?" The fear in her voice was unmistakable.

His whole mood changed immediately. "Hey, Sissy!" The sullen expression he had morphed into a huge grin as he stood from the couch, arms outstretched to accept a hug he never recieved. Ashley backed away, cowering behind Josh as he stepped in front of her, protecting her. I held Josh's hand and stood by him. I could be brave, even if I was shaking.

Josh gripped my hand tightly as he spoke, "Leave her alone."

"Joshua," Their dad sighed. "Come here, boy." He motioned for Josh to hug him but Josh wasn't moving. Not a muscle. "Joshua, do what I say. Get over here and give your father a hug."

"You sit your ass down and leave those kids alone!" Granny yelled. "Ashley, go check on Abigail." Ashley nodded and disappeared from the room. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Abigail?" Their dad questioned, his eyebrows raised as he removed his baseball cap and smoothed out his hair before placing it back on his head. "How old is she now?"

"Why do you care?" Josh snapped. "You weren't even there the day she was born!" I was holding Josh's hand for a completely different reason now. I was holding him back. I don't know from what exactly but I knew if I let go of his hand, bad things would happen.

Before their dad could say anything, Grampa walked in with two cups of coffee, handing one to Granny before sitting down in his chair and crossing his legs. "So," He took a sip of his coffee. "What'd you do this time?"

Laura's eyes lit up. "Is that car stolen?"

"No!" He bellowed. "And I didn't do anything!"

"Bill, I can't help you unless you tell me the truth! Is that car stolen or not?!" Laura shouted.

Bill put his head in his hands, rubbing at his temples as he breathed in deeply. "It's not stolen! Seth.. lost it to a guy on the North side of Tulsa so Ed made me go get it! End of story!" He ripped off his jacket and tossed it onto the ottoman. That's when I noticed the blood and that Abigail's cries had stopped.

"Wait... Ed?" Laura looked confused, piecing together a puzzle in her mind. "Bill, please tell me you don't owe him money. Please!"

"I didn't have a choice, Laura!" Bill yelled. "You know what he's like! If I hadn't got his car back, I wouldn't even be here!"

"So, why  _are_  you here?" Grampa interjected.

"Because-"

"Is that blood on your shirt?" Granny asked Bill. She walked closer to him like he was a wounded animal, not wanting to spook him. She turned on a lamp, placing her coffee cup on the end table, the light revealing the cuts and bruises forming on Bill's face and the blood seeping through his shirt. Josh's breathing picked up and I traced my thumb over his knuckle, a pathetic attempt at calming him.

"Bill, what happened?" Laura asked, gently this time.

"I followed him." He stood, raising his shirt to show a deep gash on his right side. "He stopped outside of a liquor store and I waited... I waited with Larry, in his car, for the guy to come out. Before I could get out, two of his buddies were getting in Larry's car, pulling us out. We took on three of 'em. The guy took off before I got in the car and drove off. Larry left in his car. I- I thought we had made it out alright. I thought I lost 'em.."

The sound of police sirens rang out into the morning air. They were getting closer and Bill was panicking. "You gotta let me hide it in your garage! Laura they--"

"No! Get out of this house, right now!" Laura demanded, picking up his jacket and throwing it at him. "Now!"

"They're gonna take me to jail, Laura! You don't understand--" Bill pleaded, shrugging his jacket back on.

Grampa stood from his chair, gripping Bill by the back of the neck and walking him to the door. "Go on, son. You don't want to make this worse than it already is." Blue and red flashing lights could be seen from down the road. The sirens were so loud. I don't know how Josh ever got used to this.

Before Grampa could even shut the door and Bill could walk down the steps, four police cars came to an abrupt stop in the driveway, surrounding the car Bill showed up in. Josh let go of my hand and ran to the window, pressing his face against the glass as he watched his dad resist the officers. I peered out of the window, taking in the sight of Bill face down on the ground, an officer on his back, placing him in handcuffs.

An officer walked up the front steps, the screen door shrieked as Laura opened it for him to come inside. "Ms. McCollum-Dun?"

"Yes?" Laura spoke.

"I'm Officer Strode. I'm not sure if you remember me." He shook her hand, pulling out a pad of paper and pen.

Laura repeated his name, as if she were chewing on an old piece of gum trying to get a hint of it's flavor. Realization washed over her face, "You're the one who helped Joshua." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. Helped Josh? With what?

"Yes, ma'am." He smiled. "I just need a statement from you and any witnesses. Has he been here long?"

Laura placed the baseball bat in the corner, sitting down on the couch. "Uh, maybe about ten or fifteen minutes?" She looked to Granny for confirmation, who nodded. "Boys, get away from the window and sit down." She motioned for us to sit beside her. She wrapped her arm around Josh, who grabbed my hand again.

"Did he tell you anything that happened?" Officer Strode asked.

Laura shook her head, "No, he rushed in and made a few phone calls. Yelling at whoever was on the phone and then we told him to get out. And you showed up."

"Did he say who he was talking to? Did he mention a name?" Officer Strode raised his eyebrows, pen scratching at the paper.

"No." Laura looked him dead in the eye and lied. Why was she lying? Shouldn't she tell the officer about the car? And the fight?

"Well," The officer spoke. "We got a call about a fight at a liquor store and when we got there, Bill's buddy, Larry, was there. He said Bill had been rambling about coming here to take the kids, so we figured we'd check for him here first."

This didn't make any sense. He was going to take the kids? What if I hadn't seen him outside the window? What if he never made a sound? What would have happened? Would he have taken me too?

 

 

Around ten in the morning, Momma Dun called my mom. She said it'd be best if I went home and that my parents needed to know what happened. Did that mean she was going to tell them the full story or what she told the police? Josh and I were laying on the grass outside, the birch tree in the yard shading our eyes from the sun as we watched the clouds roll by. I glanced over at Josh, who had his eyes closed, his arms folded beneath his head. I was in awe at how he was able to be still, to be so calm after what happened. I felt like I could run twenty miles and still have energy pulsing through my body. When it came down to fight or flight, I was definitely flight.

"Josh?" My voice broke the quiet bubble that had formed around us. The only sounds in the air being the wind through the trees and the metal clanking of the windchimes. Josh opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows, taking one of my hands in his. "Why did your dad say all of that stuff if he was coming to get you guys?"

He shrugged, capturing his bottom lip between his teeth. "M'not sure." He spoke softly. "My mom always says you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth so.. all of it could have been a lie."

I scrunched up my nose, squinting at the ray of sunlight that managed to slip past the tree branches. "Why does he lie so much?"

Josh turned his head, facing the sky and looking into the clouds as if it held the answer to everything. "He-- My dad does drugs, Ty. Drugs make you do stupid things."

I didn't mean for a gasp to shoot out of me like it did but I suppose I couldn't help it. Josh didn't seem to care, either. My mind instantly went back to early this morning, when I was looking at all of the pills Josh's mom takes. I bit the inside of my cheek, mulling over the thought that, everyone does drugs some are just illegal.

I remembered what Josh's mom said about Officer Strode helping Josh and I couldn't help but ask him about it. He stayed silent for a few minutes and I contemplated on telling him to forget about it, that he doesn't have to tell me anything when he sat up, crossed his legs and began picking at the blades of grass.

"One time, my dad hid in the bushes across the street with a crossbow. He was waiting for us to step outside so he could kill us. I ran to him. I thought I could stop him, make him leave us alone. I was stupid." He looked up at me, tears budding at the corners of his eyes.

"What happened?" I asked him.

He breathed a shaky sigh before sniffling. "He shot me in the leg. I couldn't move. The pain was so bad, Ty. The worst pain I've ever felt. My mom was scared to come out of the house b-because.. she is the one he wanted. Who he was hunting, basically. Thank God my mom called the police when she did because he walked into the the front yard, stood where I was laying," Josh stood up, walking several paces forward until he was standing by the porch steps. "Right here... And he laughed. He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder like I was an animal and walked away."

I was frozen in horror. The fact that he did this to  _his own son_  made my stomach turn. I didn't dare speak in fear I would say something wrong and I let him continue.

"The cops came before he got too far. They pulled out their guns and demanded that he drop his weapon and let me go. He dropped me and the crossbow on the pavement. I blacked out so I don't remember how that officer helped me but my mom said instead of waiting for the ambulance to arrive,  _he_  took me to the hospital."

I didn't know what to say. What  _could_  you say? I just stood up and hugged him.

"I'm glad you noticed him, Ty. I don't want to go with him." His voice cracked on the last word, taking a shuddering breath. "He would have found a way to take us and you kept him from doing that."

 

 

The weight of what that meant didn't hit me until later, when I was in the car with my mom. She and Momma Dun had talked when she arrived at the house. They were all smiles and nods of understanding but something felt off. Different. Like they were having a secret conversation right in front of us. Josh and I were watching them from the soft ground where we stood. He hugged me before they stopped talking and we didn't let go until my mom had to physically remove me from him. We knew.

"Honey," My mother spoke gently, as if she didn't want to disturb the uncomfortable silence that filled the car. "Josh's mother and I decided it would be best if you and Josh hang out together in a public place, like a park or we can even go to the zoo, or Josh can spend the night at our house, but I don't want you going over there anymore. Okay?"

My heart plummeted down into my stomach. "W-what will Dad say?"

She sighed deeply, wiping the corner of her eye. "Don't worry about your father. I'll talk to him."

Suddenly, it felt like cold water was running through my veins. My skin felt hot and my entire body broke into a sweat. The roof of my mouth and the back of my throat felt dry but my tongue was swimming in saliva. I was dizzy and my stomach ached. I went to speak, to tell my mother that I didn't feel good but all that came out were the contents of my stomach.


	68. Kuebiko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> n. a state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence, which force you to revise your image of what can happen in this world—mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out all unwelcome and invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that's buried under the surface, and propping yourself up like an old scarecrow, who's bursting at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.

****Trigger warnings: sexual abuse, mentions of vomiting (kind of), slight-possible-sorta-self-harm.****

 

 

 

**Ashley's POV**

 

 

_March 29, 1998_

 

I suppose there was a time when I was completely innocent. The sky held the wonders of the world, grass stains on sundresses were the closest thing to a scar I had, the comfort of my mother's kiss to my skinned knees. It probably wasn't long ago, maybe a year or two, but it feels like I've been on this earth for hundreds of years and I'm reliving the same day over and over. Different things happen, people talk about different things, but I still go to sleep at night with the feeling of a brick in my chest and wake up with thorns in my throat.

As I lay on the bench swing Grampa built, the edges of my sundress billowing at my legs, I look up at the sky and try to remember what it felt like when the weight of the world hadn't placed itself on my shoulders. Why me? Why am I the one that worries about our safety and always thinks two steps ahead because I have to, or else. I don't think I can recall the last time I truly enjoyed just being a kid without that constant nagging at the back of my skull. The reminders that I could be in danger and that I need to watch my back. It's exhausting.

After the incident with my father, it's almost impossible to go to sleep. I lie awake until my eyes burn, until the shadows dancing on the wall draw nearer and cloud my vision. I usually wake Josh up every night. He cries in his sleep. He won't tell me why nor will he speak on the subject of Tyler, at all. With the way Tyler's mother yanked him away from Josh, I can assume he won't be back. It's a shame, really. Tyler and Josh seem to be the missing puzzle pieces to each other. Even though they contrast greatly, they're the perfect duo.

"What're you doin'?" Josh's brittle voice rang out amongst the chirping birds and the wind whistling through the trees. He doesn't talk much to anyone, besides Bobby and myself. I'm glad he and Bobby are okay. They need each other, whether they know it or not. Josh is just as lost as Bobby, the only difference is Josh has others looking for him, watching for when he'll show himself. Josh could be that person for Bobby. They could be there for each other.

I sat up, scooting over on the bench and patting the spot beside me, inviting him to sit. He scoffed, rolled his eyes and wiped at his nose but sat down anyway. "I'm trying to understand how something so insignificant as ourselves can play such a significant role in each other's lives."

Josh sighed, closed his eyes and scratched at his brow. "Ash, do you always have to think so much?"

A laugh bubbled out of me, a look of shock cast over his face as the laughter doubled me over to where I was laying my head in his lap. He smelled like dirt and the sun and the strawberry shampoo we shared and everything that was my brother. My laughter subsided as I looked up at him. He had the hint of a smile on his face, begging to be set free. "Why are you laughing, you goof?" He asked, playing with a strand of my hair.

"Because I ask myself that same question everyday." I smiled, hoping it would radiate enough happiness to him. So that maybe his mind would go quiet for a minute or two and allow him to feel something other than anger. He just shook his head, the hint of a smile now threatening to rip across his face.

"D'you wanna go huntin' for crawdads?" I caught the faint glimmer of hope in his eyes as he spoke. I'm not sure if he was hoping for me to say yes or if he was hoping this would make him happy, or at least content. I shrugged, and with a nod of our heads, I sat up off him and smoothed out my dress. He got up first, holding out his hand for me to take. I smirked at the gesture before rolling my eyes and planting my hand in his. As I rose to my feet, I decided I would rather have the knowledge to know the difference between my brother's smile and the mask he wears so often than to be innocent enough to think he's just happy.

"Sure, but I can't get my dress dirty."

 

 

 

It was Sunday so naturally that meant we would be eating at church (and cooking the Sunday dinner). Momma was feeding a bottle to Abigail when I walked up to her, hands clasped together behind my back. "Momma?"

"What, honey?" She asked, never looking up and away from the cherubic creature cradled in her arms.

"Can I go outside with Josh and Bobby?" I nervously asked, rocking back and forth on my heels.

She sighed, a grin forming on her face when Abigail cooed. "I suppose. Just be back in before dinner."

I leapt forward and kissed her on the cheek before pecking Abbie's cheek gently. "Thank you, Momma. I love you with all my heart."

She placed a kiss on the top of my head. "I love you with all my heart, baby girl."

I skipped away from her towards the double doors at the back of the dining hall of the church. I pushed the door open and walked into the early evening air, a grin on my face. I looked around for Josh and Bobby to find them across the street at the park, Bobby swinging from the monkey bars while Josh stood beneath him.

I slinked across the street, ducking behind the wooden fence of the park as I crept closer to the entrance. I dashed behind a nearby tree when Josh whipped his head around, searching for whatever produced the noise I had made. A few moments after he turned his attention back to Bobby, talking loudly about probably nothing, I tiptoed from the tree and snuck behind him, shaking his shoulders.

"What the hell?!" He shouted, turning around and pushing me so that I fell to the ground. The palms of my hands were slightly raw and covered in dirt from my pathetic attempt to stop myself from hitting the ground too hard. "Ashley! Shit. I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry." Josh grabbed my hand, pulling me up from the dirt.

"'S'okay, Bubba. It's not your fault." He used his shirt to wipe my hands clean. "I shouldn't have scared you like that." The bottom of my dress was now a muddy brown compared to the soft yellow it used to be.

"I'm so sorry, Ash." He tried to brush the dirt from my dress but gave up as soon as he began. It was no use. I'm gonna get in trouble. "Tell Momma it's my fault. I'm the reason your dress is ruined."

I snorted. "It's not ruined, ya dork." I walked past him and climbed onto the top of the monkey bars, swinging my feet back and forth where I sat.

"Does Momma know you're out here?" He asked, looking up at me from below.

"Yep." I smiled. "She said I could."

He let out a breath of relief, nodding his head before shrugging his shoulders and climbing up to join us. Bobby smiled his signature smile, toothy and wide. I returned it before sticking my tongue out at him. He just laughed, shaking his head. "So, what were you guys talkin' about?" I asked, being the nosy person that I am.

There was a long pause with the two of them sharing a look I couldn't decipher before Bobby said, "It's top secret. No girls allowed."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. You guys are lame, anyway."

They laughed at me, snickering. Josh reached over and tousled my hair. I had to refrain from pushing him off the monkey bars. Instead I asked something I probably never should have asked. "Have you heard from Tyler?"

The laughter died off and Bobby looked away. Josh stared at me like I had just slapped him across the face. I felt bad but I tried as hard as I could not to let the blank look on my face slip. Josh cast his gaze to the ground beneath us and sighed. "N-no. Not since he called the day after."

"He'll talk to you eventually, Josh. Didn't you say his dad is really strict?" Josh nodded, staring down at his feet. "Then, maybe his dad hasn't let him use the phone? Or maybe he was grounded or--"

"Just shut up, Ashley!" Josh yelled at me. "You don't know anything! Life isn't like your stupid books!" He jumped down from the monkey bars and stormed off in the direction of the church. Bobby muttered an apology before hopping down and running after Josh.

I climbed down, my foot slipping on the last bar. I tumbled to the ground, making my dress even more dirty and embedding dirt in my sandal. Just as I was about to stand up and brush my dress off, Momma could be heard calling out my name. I rushed to my feet and ran towards the church. "I'm comin', Momma!"

"Ashley, why is your dress covered in dirt?!" Momma shouted. "Never mind that, get inside, evening mass is about to start, everyone is already in the chapel." She ushered me inside, dusting off my dress as we walked to the doors of the chapel. I was met with over fifty pairs of eyes when we walked through those doors. To say I was nervous would be an understatement.

I walked to the end of a pew at the back, sitting down next to Rebecca by the window. She smiled at me before leaning into me and whispering, "What took you so long?" I shrugged, diverting my eyes to the front of the room. It was hot and stuffy in the chapel, except when it was empty. As the pastor droned on and on about something I could not for the life of me become interested in, I stared at the back of the pew in front of me, my eyes burning an imaginary hole in the wood.

Rebecca nudged me, holding a book of hymns in front of us to share. I reluctantly read along, not bothering with actually opening my mouth and singing. I was so tired. I never got any sleep anymore and to think of having to go back to school tomorrow made me want to run away. Rebecca placed the book on her lap and her hand on my knee. I stared at her out of the corner of my eye. Her eyes remained on the pastor, whether she was actually listening to him or not, I'll never know.

Her hand slid past my knee, under my dress, resting on my thigh. Her fingers were rough and dry, their imprint burning into my skin. I had to swallow a gasp when her fingers brushed the edge of my underwear, skimming underneath, I could feel a hangnail scraping along my flesh. I closed my eyes, preparing for what was to come next only for it to never arrive. Her hand left my underwear as fast as it had been put there and was now tucked in between her own thighs.

I shot out of my seat and ran through the doors of the chapel, into the bathroom and locked the door. I leaned over the toilet waiting for the contents of my stomach to empty into the bowl but nothing came up. My breathing was rapid and the edges of my vision began to blur. I could still feel her fingers on me, gripping at my skin, touching me as if I was something for her to play with, as if I wasn't a person, just a toy.

I jumped at the sound of someone pounding on the bathroom door. My mother's voice muffled from the other side. "Ashley? Let me in."

My hands shook as I reached for the door, the lock clicking as I twisted the knob. The look on my mother's face was nothing but pure frustration. She pushed her way in and shut the door with a force that caused my heart to drop into my stomach. "Please don't be mad, Momma." I sobbed.

She knelt down to my level and wrapped her arms around me, one of her hands stroking my hair. "Of course I'm not mad, sweetheart." She pulled back to wipe the tears from my cheeks. "What's going on, baby?"

My mind blanked, leaving nothing but the image of fingers on my thigh. "I-I" A sob ripped through my chest, a scream stuck in my throat. "I need to go- go h-home. Momma, I wanna go home."

My mother's eyes welled up with unshed tears, her fingers running through my tangled hair. "Can you stay with me for just a while longer? Then we can go home." I shook my head, tears and snot ran from my face. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I was anywhere but here. Wishing I was home yet home was a feeling that felt forgotten. "Honey?" She tried.

I shoved her out of the way and pulled the bathroom door open, running out and down the hall towards the entrance of the church. I could hear my mother's shouts behind me as I ran. The sky had darkened and the air became thin and cold, burning my lungs as my feet led me home. It was only down the road but it felt like I ran for years, rocks embedded in my sandals, in my feet, my legs shaky as I reached the front gate.

I tripped up the concrete stairs, scraping my knee along the way as I crawled back to my feet. I grabbed the key hidden under the welcome mat and shoved it in the lock on the front door. As I turned the key and opened the door, the warm, stuffy air hit my skin, turning it to gooseflesh. The cold left my body as I walked through the living room, slipping out of my sandals and running into the kitchen.

I rummaged through the drawers frantically, searching for Granny's big red scissors. I cut my fingers on knives as I snatched the scissors from the drawer. I began cutting the bottom of my dress, the dull scissors ripping the fabric off of my body. Cutting the straps, freeing my chest from the soft yellow dress, I felt a breath leave my body along with the feeling of fingers gripping my sides.

I scraped the soft skin of my lower stomach with the blades as I cut the white cotton underwear off. Images of hands on my thighs and scratchy fingernails inside of me plagued my mind. Once I was completely bare I dropped the scissors and ran to the bathroom, kneeling in the tub as I turned on the faucet. As the scorching water rose to my waist, I scrubbed the dirt from my legs and feet, leaving scratches from the pressure of my fingernails.

I sat in the tub until the boiling water went cold. Until my mother found me with reddened skin and tear-tracked cheeks.


	69. Pâro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, “colder, colder, colder…”
> 
>  
> 
> ***Trigger Warning: mentions of child abuse***

 

****

**Tyler's POV**

 

__

_ April 12, 1998 _

I sat in the pew beside my brother, Zack, the collar of my white button down shirt tight on my neck, the grey dress pants my mother made me wear were itchy on my thighs. I didn't want to be here, drifting in and out of the present where the pastor was basically yelling at the congregation.

"What makes Jesus different from every other religious leader in history? What makes him different from every other human being in history? He lived a sinless and righteous life. So, death had no claim on him. It could not hold him. Jesus was, as the apostle tells us, "vindicated by the Spirit." Jesus Christ was raised from the dead. He is alive! He is risen! He is risen indeed!"

I refrained from rolling my eyes in fear that my father might see me. He's been very angry with me since the day I puked in the van on the way home from Josh's house. He's been angry with Mom, too. I guess from letting me stay over there. It's not Josh's fault. He didn't know his dad was going to show up. Neither did anyone else... But I know better than to argue with my father. I remember the feeling.

Images of my father sitting in his recliner, with a drink clutched in his hand flashed through my brain. The pastor's voice droning on in the background, "But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. 1 Corinthians 15:20-22." I closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing. When I looked back up Zack was grabbing my arm and pulling me off the pew. I dragged my feet across the carpet as we walked out of the chapel and down a corridor, following at least twelve other kids and Pastor Mike.

We filed into a room with old tile and cement walls painted white. I pulled out a plastic chair, the metal feet scraping across the cold floor. Zack sat beside me, as usual, laying his head on the white table. Pastor Mike stood at the front of the room, his hands clasped behind his back. "Good morning, boys and girls!" Soft mutters and high pitched giggles echoed his greeting. "Let me tell you a story! This is a story about what happened after Jesus died on the cross. Jesus died on a Friday. It was a very sad day." I snorted. Pastor Mike cut his eyes my way, emphasizing his words, "It was sad because Jesus' friends didn't know what was going to happen. They didn't understand why Jesus had to die." I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Pastor Mike continued, directing his attention to the rest of the kids. "Late on that Friday afternoon, Jesus' body was taken down from the cross. It was wrapped in long strips of cloth and it was buried in a rich man's tomb. A large stone was rolled over the entrance to the tomb, and soldiers were standing outside to make sure that nothing happened to Jesus' body. Jesus was dead.

Now, the Bible tells us.." Pastor Mike held up his Bible, "that early on Sunday morning when it was still dark, Jesus' friend, Mary Magdalene, went to the tomb and saw that the large stone that was rolled over the mouth of the empty tomb was gone! So, she ran away." I raised my hand. Pastor Mike pointed a finger towards me, "Yes, Tyler?"

"If they were able to move the big stone in front of the tomb, why is it such a big deal that it was moved again?" I fiddled with my thumbs, my face hot as everyone craned their neck to look at me.

Pastor Mike sighed, "Well, Tyler... Why do you think Mary ran away?" I shrugged. "Was she afraid? What could have happened? Jesus' body was not there. The stone had been moved." He looked away from me, turning his attention to the rest of the class. "Mary ran to two more of Jesus' friends, Simon and Peter and another friend that Jesus loved so very much. So, Peter and the other friend that Jesus loved ran very fast to the tomb. The second friend ran so fast that he beat Peter there. Why do you think the friends ran?"

Zack's hand shot up. "Be-because Mary told them that Jesus was gone! They didn't believe her."

Pastor Mike's grin threatened to rip right past his eyes. "Very good, Zack! The friend and Peter looked inside the tomb. They--"

"Why didn't Simon go with them?" I asked, boredom lacing my voice.

"Just a second, Tyler, hold that thought." He grumbled. "They saw the cloth that had been put on Jesus' face. It was neatly folded in a corner of the room. The second friend saw and he believed. What did he believe? Jesus was dead, but God raised him to life. Do you believe that Jesus is alive?" A moment passed with nods and soft affirmatives. "Mary didn't believe. She was sad. She thought Jesus was missing. The friends went back to their homes, but Mary stayed at the tomb and she cried. Why do you think that Mary cried?"

Other children shouted out answers while I muttered, "Because she's stupid." Zack kicked me in the shin.

Pastor Mike was all smiles. His little show was going great. "A man came to Mary. He said, 'Why are you crying? Who are you looking for?' Mary said, 'If you took him away, please tell me where he is. I'll go and get him.' He said her name, 'Mary'. It was Jesus! He had been dead but now he was alive! Now Mary believed! She wanted to touch him and hug him! Jesus said, 'Not yet. I'm going to the Father. And he is your Father too!' Then, Mary ran away." The grin on his face fell, his face stoic. "Why do you think Mary ran this time?"

Children shouted answers over each other, all seeming to be wrong considering the smile had returned to Pastor Mike's face. "Mary had good news! She was going to tell her friends, 'I have seen Jesus! He was dead! But now he is alive! He is risen! And he is giving us life, so that we can live with the Father again!"

"But how did she know that?" I asked, genuinely confused.

Pastor Mike turned his head slowly to me, his smile softening. "Because she had faith in Jesus, Tyler."

 

*

 

We stood outside, Maddy holding onto my hand with her Easter basket clutched tightly in her other hand. Zack was ready to run. I looked down at my feet, strands of grass leaving behind dew on my dress shoes. It was the annual Easter Egg Hunt the church prepared for all the kids. A woman in a big, soft purple hat walked out onto the field in front of us. "On your marks... Get set... Go!" Children scrambled across the lawn, running in all directions. Maddy pulled on my hand, running towards a tree. I prepared to pick her up so she wouldn't run straight into the tree but she stopped a few feet in front of it.

She let go of my hand and waltzed around the tree, hand rubbing against the bark. I followed her around to see her bent over, her fluffy pink dress threatening to fall over her head. I held her steady and pulled her back by her shoulders. She looked up, beaming with a bright yellow egg in her hands. "Good job, Mads!" I grinned, stooping down to hug her.

"T'anks, Ty." She placed the egg on the fake, neon green grass in her basket before skipping off farther into the park. I looked back down to spot a soft blue egg on the ground, the one Maddy left for me. I smirked, picking it up and setting it in my own basket. I followed her around, helping her gather eggs, picking up the ones she would leave for me. I glanced in her basket to see she had given me every blue egg she found. I immediately thought of Josh. I thought of laying in dewy grass, staring up at the blue sky. I thought of the faint pale purple hue under Josh's eyes.

We hunted for eggs until Maddy and I were the last few kids left hanging around. Everyone else was inside the church, exchanging eggs for prizes. I never understood what any of this has to do with Jesus but it was something to look forward to every year, at least. I wondered what Josh was doing today. Did he go to church with his family? Did Granny make tons of food? Probably. Was he helping Ashley hunt for Easter eggs?

I led Maddy inside, her mary-janes clapping against the tile floor of the hallway. She exchanged fifteen eggs for yellow peeps and a lamb plushie. I handed over my four blue eggs for a bottle of bubbles.

 

*

 

I sat on the grass, Maddy running through the bubbles I had blown that were drifting through the air like clear planets. Dad had yelled at me on the drive home. He said he talked to Pastor Mike and was concerned about my faith. I knew what this meant. Mom sent us outside after we changed our clothes, from dress shirts and frills to shorts and old t-shirts. Even now as the grass pokes at the back of my knees and Mom is making dinner, I know my dad is inside yelling about me. 'Why is he rebelling? This is your fault! You're too lenient on him.'

Images flash through my mind of broken glass on the kitchen floor, drops of a drink that made my father cold and mean. I thought about how Grampa drank the same color and yet he was never mean. Maybe it has something to do with who the person is? My rib cage still aches from his harsh grip. Fingerprint bruises left behind to remind me why I shouldn't ask so many questions. The ache of the small knot on the back of my head, from contacting with the wall of the closet, reminds me not to talk back.

 

*

 

Dinner was unbearable. Zack and Maddy were in blissful ignorance until Dad slammed the bowl of peas and carrots on the table, staring at me. Zack gave me a wary look. I shook my head, picking the up the peas that flew from the bowl upon it's harsh greeting to the table. I will always hate the sound of knives and forks scraping across plates.

My father cleared his throat, elbows resting on the table as his hands folded in front of his face. If I didn't know any better it would look like he's praying. If only I was that lucky. "Tyler... I thought we talked about speaking out in your Bible study? Did we? I'm pretty sure-- Yeah! We did, because I told you that if you have a question about God, to come to _me_."

I bit my bottom lip, glancing up at him. "But it wasn't about God, it was about Jesus." He slammed his fist against the table, making everyone flinch. Maddy started crying, rubbing her eyes with tiny fists. Mom grabbed her hand and led her away from the table, into the hallway and I assume up the stairs. Dad gave Zack a look that sent him scrambling after Mom and Maddy. I braced myself for him to start yelling. I wasn't prepared for the hand print forming across my cheek.

"Go to bed." He ordered before stepping away from the table, disappearing into the living room.

 

*

 

As I lie awake in bed, Zack snoring softly across the room, images of the dark closet and the light shown under the door flashed in my mind. The sound of my own sobs and the cries of my sister echoing as loud as ever. I shook my head as if that would clear it of the cobwebs of memories.

The door opened slowly, so slowly I would have missed it if it weren't for the light from the hallway shining into the room. Her hand on the door, my mom's face peeked in for a second before she put a finger to her lips, shushing me and then beckoning me to follow her. I slid out of my bed, padded my way across the room without a glance to my brother. I placed my hand in my mother's, following her down the hall, down the stairs, and into the living room. No sign of my father.

"Mom?" I whispered. "What is it?"

She sat down on the couch, motioning for me to sit beside her. "You have to keep your voice quiet." She picked the phone up from the coffee table, where it was off the hook. "And you can't tell anyone. Okay?" I nodded and she handed me the phone.

"Hello?" I tried my best to keep my voice barely above a whisper.

_"Tyler?"_

"Josh?" I practically croaked out, tears already welling up in my eyes. I felt as if I was choking.

_"Yeah, it's me, Ty."_

"H-how is this possible?"

_"Your mom called my mom and then my mom got me out of bed and said I could talk to you. Not for very long though, she said. So we'll have to be quick."_

I nodded, forgetting that he couldn't see me. "Josh-"

_"I'm here, Ty."_

"I miss you so much. You have no idea."

_"I miss you too! I'm sorry you had to leave like that, I know that sucked."_

A laugh bubbled it's way out of my throat. My mom put her finger to her lips, grinning.

"No, it's okay. I'm sorry that I haven't talked to you sooner. My parents--" My mom shook her head. "My dad is mad."

Josh sighed. I wish I was there to see him deflate.  _"Yeah, I understand. I mean, I know it's not your fault. Know that, Tyler. It's not your fault."_

I couldn't stop the sob that escaped my lips, the tears that fell down my flushed cheeks. "It's not your fault, either."

_"Don't cry, Ty. It's okay... Hey, I'm gonna ask my mom to ask your mom if you can come to my birthday party in June. Okay?"_

"Okay. I wish it wasn't so far away. I mean, I wish I could have seen you today. Did you do anything for Easter?"

_"Yeah! I went on an Easter egg hunt with Ashley and Jordan! Then we had an egg smash at home. What'd you do?"_

"I helped Maddy hunt for eggs. What's an egg smash?"

_"Oh my God. Okay. So, we always take the eggs home and count how many we got, yeah? And whoever gets the least has to eat an egg and then we just smash the rest in the driveway."_

My mom, who must have been listening to Josh's excited voice, stifled a chuckle. A giggle tumbled out of my mouth.

"Josh, that sounds  _so dumb_  and  _really_  fun."

Josh laughed. He laughed. Oh god, I miss that. I hope I can see that soon.

_"Yeah, it's_ super _dumb but it's the best time. We'll have to do an apple smash on my birthday. Those are even better."_

"You throw apples on the ground?"

Josh giggled. I pictured his tongue sticking slightly out of a smile.

_"'Course not! We toss them like baseballs at tennis rackets."_

"Now that sounds really fun."

_"I really miss you, Tyler. You gotta send me a letter. I don't care if it's just a stick drawing. You gotta do it. I'll send you one too."_

"Okay. I will. I promise."

My mom shot up off the couch, her head turned to the hallway. She turned to me and tapped her wrist, signalling it was time to hang up.

"I-I have t-to go, Josh."

_"Oh."_

"I love you, Josh."

_"I love you too, Ty."_

"You're still my best friend. Forever."

_"You're my best friend too. Forever."_

"Okay." I smiled through my tears.

_"Love you, Ty. Goodnight. I'll talk to you later."_

"I'll talk to you later, Josh. Goodnight. Sleep tight. I love you. I love--"

My mom had pressed the button on the receiver, setting the phone back on the hook. "I'm so sorry, baby." She wrapped her arms around me and ran her fingers through my hair. "I'm so sorry."

Then, I heard it. Along with my heart falling to the floor, my father's footsteps creaked across the wooden floor of the hallway. "What's he doing up?" His gruff voice came out. He must have just woken up. "What's all this whispering I'm hearing?"

"He had a nightmare, Chris. It's nothing. Go back to bed." My mother's reply was short, not wanting a conversation.

"No, that's what you should be telling  _him_. You don't tell me what to do." He scoffed. I shrunk in my seat, leaning in closer to my mom, resting my head on her pregnant belly. She was my shield, my protection.

"You sound more like a child than he does, Chris. You're upsetting him and you're being too loud. You're going to wake up--"

"I don't give a damn who I wake up! I was woken up by you two!" My father raised his voice, stumbling to his recliner. "Maybe if you didn't coddle him all the time, he wouldn't be running to you every time he has a bad dream."

"You're drunk, Chris. I didn't think we would wake you." My mom took my hand and tugged me up from the couch. I went willingly, pliant and eager to get far away from my father.

He rolled his eyes. The last thing I saw as we left the room and headed for the stairs. I tried to focus on the sound of Josh's voice.  _'Love you, Ty. Goodnight. I'll talk to you later.'_  I replayed his words over and over in my head, closing my eyes as I was led up the stairs, into my room, and tucked into bed. I didn't hear my mother say goodnight. I didn't hear her say that she loves me. I felt her wipe away the tears from under my eyes and off my cheeks. I felt the kiss she placed on my forehead. All I could hear was the soft breath coming through the phone and Josh's words.  _'Love you, Ty. Goodnight. I'll talk to you later.'_


End file.
